CHAPTERI
Ifithadnotrainedon
bir
acertainMaymorningValancyStirling’stüm
wholelifewouldhavebeenentirelyfarklı
different.Shewouldhavegone,
ile
withtherestofherclan,toAuntWellington’sengagementpicnicve
andDr.TrentwouldhavegonetoMontreal.Ama
Butitdidrainandyoushallduyacaksın
hearwhathappenedtoherbecauseofit.Valancywakenedearly,inthelifeless,hopeless
saatte
hourjustprecedingdawn.Shehadnot
uyumamıştı
sleptverywell.Onedoesnotsleep
iyi
well,sometimes,whenoneistwenty-nineonthemorrow,ve
andunmarried,inacommunityve
andconnectionwheretheunmarriedaresimplythosewhohavefailedtogetaman.Deerwood
ve
andtheStirlingshadlongsincerelegatedValancytohopelessoldmaidenhood.Ama
ButValancyherselfhadneverquiterelinquishedbir
acertainpitiful,shamed,littlehopethatRomancewouldcomeherwayyet—never,kadar
untilthiswet,horriblemorning,whenshewakenedtothefactthatshewastwenty-nineve
andunsoughtbyanyman.Ay,therelaythesting.
Valancydidnotmindso
kadar
muchbeinganoldmaid.Afterall,shethought,being
bir
anoldmaidcouldn’tpossiblybeasdreadfulasbeingmarriedtobir
anUncleWellingtonoranAmca
UncleBenjamin,orevenanAmca
UncleHerbert.Whathurtherwasthatshehadneverhadachancetobe
şey
anythingbutanoldmaid.Nomanhadeverdesired
onu
her.Thetearscameintohereyesasshelaythere
yalnız
aloneinthefaintlygreyingdarkness.Shedarednotletherselfcryashardasshewantedto,fortworeasons.
Shewasafraidthatcryingmightbringon
başka
anotherattackofthatpainaroundtheheart.Shehadhad
bir
aspellofitaftershehadgotintobed—ratherworsethananyshehadhadyet.Ve
Andshewasafraidhermotherwouldnoticeherkırmızı
redeyesatbreakfastandkeepatherwithminute,persistent,mosquito-likequestionsregardingthenedeni
causethereof.“Suppose,”thoughtValancywith
bir
aghastlygrin,“Iansweredwiththeplaintruth,‘IamcryingbecauseIcannotolsa
getmarried.’HowhorrifiedMotherolsa
wouldbe—thoughsheisashamedher
everydayofherlifeofheryaşlı
oldmaiddaughter.”Butofcourseappearancesshouldbekeptup.
“Itisnot,”Valancycouldhearhermother’sprim,dictatorialvoiceasserting,“itisnotmaidenlytothinkaboutmen.”
Thethoughtofhermother’sexpressionmadeValancylaugh—forshe
vardı
hadasenseofhumournobodyinherclansuspected.For
bu
thatmatter,therewereagoodbirçok
manythingsaboutValancythatnobodysuspected.Ama
Butherlaughterwasverysuperficialve
andpresentlyshelaythere,bir
ahuddled,futilelittlefigure,dinliyordu
listeningtotherainpouringdowndışarıda
outsideandwatching,withahasta
sickdistaste,thechill,mercilessışığı
lightcreepingintoherugly,sordidroom.She
biliyordu
knewtheuglinessofthatroombyheart—knewitve
andhatedit.Theyellow-paintedfloor,withonehideous,“hooked”rugbythebed,withagrotesque,“hooked”
köpek
dogonit,alwaysgrinningatherwhensheawoke;thefaded,dark-redpaper;
theceilingdiscolouredby
eski
oldleaksandcrossedbycracks;thenarrow,pinched
küçük
littlewashstand;thebrown-paperlambrequinwithpurplerosesonit;
thespotted
eski
oldlooking-glasswiththecrackacrossit,proppedupontheinadequatedressing-table;thejarofancientpotpourrimadebyhermotherinhermythicalhoneymoon;
theshell-coveredbox,with
bir
oneburstcorner,whichCousinStickleshadmadeinherequallymythicalgirlhood;thebeadedpincushionwith
yarısı
halfitsbeadfringegone;the
bir
onestiff,yellowchair;thefadedoldmotto,“Gone
ama
butnotforgotten,”workedincolouredyarnshakkında
aboutGreat-grand-motherStirling’sgrimoldyüzü
face;theoldphotographsofancientrelativeslongbanishedfromtheroomsbelow.
Therewere
sadece
onlytwopicturesthatwerenotofrelatives.One,an
yaşlı
oldchromoofapuppysittingonarainydoorstep.O
ThatpicturealwaysmadeValancyunhappy.O
Thatforlornlittledogcrouchedonthedoorstepinthedrivingrain!Neden
Whydidn’tsomeoneopenthekapıyı
doorandlethimin?The
diğer
otherpicturewasafaded,passe-partoutedengravingofQueenLouisecomingdownbir
astairway,whichAuntWellingtonhadlavishlygivenheronhertenthbirthday.Fornineteenyearsshehad
baktı
lookedatitandhatedit,güzel
beautiful,smug,self-satisfiedQueenLouise.Ama
Butsheneverdareddestroyitya da
orremoveit.MotherandCousinStickleswouldhavebeenaghast,
ya da
or,asValancyirreverentlyexpresseditinherthoughts,wouldhavehadbir
afit.Everyroominthe
evin
housewasugly,ofcourse.Ama
Butdownstairsappearanceswerekeptkadar
upsomewhat.Therewasno
para
moneyforroomsnobodyeversaw.Valancy
bazen
sometimesfeltthatshecouldhavedonesomethingforherodası
roomherself,evenwithoutmoney,eğer
ifshewerepermitted.Buther
annesi
motherhadnegativedeverytimidsuggestionve
andValancydidnotpersist.Valancy
hiç
neverpersisted.Shewasafraidto.
Her
annesi
mothercouldnotbrookopposition.Mrs.Stirlingwouldsulkfordaysifoffended,withtheairsof
bir
aninsultedduchess.Theonly
şey
thingValancylikedaboutherroomwasthatshecouldbeyalnız
alonethereatnighttocryeğer
ifshewantedto.But,afterall,whatdiditmatterif
bir
aroom,whichyouusedforhiçbir şey
nothingexceptsleepinganddressingin,wereugly?Valancywas
asla
neverpermittedtostayaloneinherroomforanybaşka
otherpurpose.Peoplewhowantedtobe
yalnız
alone,soMrs.FrederickStirlingve
andCousinSticklesbelieved,couldsadece
onlywanttobealoneforsomesinisterpurpose.Ama
ButherroomintheBlueCastlewaseverythingbir
aroomshouldbe.Valancy,socowed
ve
andsubduedandoverriddenandsnubbedingerçek
reallife,waswonttobırakmaya
letherselfgorathersplendidlyinherday-dreams.NobodyintheStirlingclan,
ya da
oritsramifications,suspectedthis,leastofallherannesi
motherandCousinStickles.They
hiç
neverknewthatValancyhadiki
twohomes—theuglyredbrickboxofahome,onElmStreet,ve
andtheBlueCastleinSpain.Valancyhad
yaşıyordu
livedspirituallyintheBlueCastleeverberi
sinceshecouldremember.Shehadbeen
bir
averytinychildwhenshefoundherselfpossessedofit.Her zaman
Always,whensheshuthereyes,shecouldseeitplainly,ile
withitsturretsandbannersonthepine-cladmountainheight,wrappedinitsfaint,blueloveliness,karşı
againstthesunsetskiesofbir
afairandunknownland.Everythingwonderful
ve
andbeautifulwasinthatcastle.Jewelsthatqueensmighthaveworn;
robesofmoonlight
ve
andfire;couchesofroses
ve
andgold;longflightsofshallowmarblesteps,with
büyük
great,whiteurns,andwithslender,mist-cladmaidensgoingyukarı
upanddownthem;courts,marble-pillared,whereshimmeringfountainsfell
ve
andnightingalessangamongthemyrtles;hallsofmirrorsthatreflected
sadece
onlyhandsomeknightsandlovelywomen—herselftheloveliestofall,forwhoseglancemendied.Allthatsupportedherthroughtheboredomofherdayswasthehopeofgoingona
rüya
dreamspreeatnight.Most,ifnotall,oftheStirlingswouldhavediedofhorroriftheyhadknown
yarısını
halfthethingsValancydidinherBlueCastle.Foronethingshe
vardı
hadquiteafewloversinit.Oh,
sadece
onlyoneatatime.Onewhowooedherwith
tüm
alltheromanticardouroftheageofchivalryve
andwonherafterlongdevotionve
andmanydeedsofderring-do,ve
andwasweddedtoherwithpompve
andcircumstanceinthegreat,banner-hungchapeloftheBlueCastle.Attwelve,
bu
thisloverwasafairladwithgoldencurlsve
andheavenlyblueeyes.Atfifteen,hewastall
ve
anddarkandpale,butyine de
stillnecessarilyhandsome.Attwenty,hewasascetic,dreamy,spiritual.
Attwenty-five,he
vardı
hadaclean-cutjaw,slightlygrim,ve
andafacestrongandruggedratherthanhandsome.Valancynevergrewolderthantwenty-fiveinherBlueCastle,
ama
butrecently—veryrecently—herherohadvardı
hadreddish,tawnyhair,atwistedsmileve
andamysteriouspast.Idon’tsayValancydeliberatelymurdered
bu
theseloversassheoutgrewthem.Onesimplyfadedawayasanothercame.
Thingsare
çok
veryconvenientinthisrespectinBlueCastles.Ama
But,onthismorningofhergünü
dayoffate,Valancycouldnotbulamadı
findthekeyofherBlueCastle.Realitypressedonher
çok
toohardly,barkingatherheelsgibi
likeamaddeninglittledog.Shewastwenty-nine,lonely,undesired,ill-favoured—the
tek
onlyhomelygirlinahandsomeclan,withnopastve
andnofuture.Asfarasshecouldlookback,
hayat
lifewasdrabandcolourless,withnotonesinglecrimsonya da
orpurplespotanywhere.Asfarasshecouldlookforwarditseemedcertaintobejustthe
aynısı
sameuntilshewasnothingbutbir
asolitary,littlewitheredleafclingingtobir
awintrybough.Themomentwhen
bir
awomanrealisesthatshehasnothingtoyaşamak
livefor—neitherlove,duty,purposenorhope—holdsforherthebitternessofdeath.“AndIjusthavetogoon
yaşamaya
livingbecauseIcan’tstop.Imay
zorunda
havetoliveeightyyears,”thoughtValancy,inbir
akindofpanic.“We’reallhorriblylong-lived.
Itsickensmetothinkofit.”
Shewasgladitwasraining—orrather,shewasdrearilysatisfiedthatitwasraining.
There
olmayacaktı
wouldbenopicnicthatgün
day.Thisannualpicnic,wherebyAunt
ve
andUncleWellington—onealwaysthoughtoftheminthatsuccession—inevitablycelebratedtheirengagementatbir
apicnicthirtyyearsbefore,hadbeen,oflateyears,bir
averitablenightmaretoValancy.By
bir
animpishcoincidenceitwasthesamegün
dayasherbirthdayand,sonra
aftershehadpassedtwenty-five,kimse
nobodyletherforgetit.Kadar
Muchasshehatedgoingtothepicnic,itetse
wouldneverhaveoccurredtohertorebelkarşı
againstit.Thereseemedtobenothingoftherevolutionaryinhernature.
Ve
Andsheknewexactlywhateveryonewouldsaytoheratthepicnic.Amca
UncleWellington,whomshedislikedve
anddespisedeventhoughhehadfulfilledthehighestStirlingaspiration,“marryingmoney,”wouldsaytoherinapig’swhisper,“Notthinkingofgettingmarriedyet,mydear?”ve
andthengooffintothebellowoflaughterwithwhichheinvariablyconcludedhisdullremarks.AuntWellington,ofwhomValancystoodinabjectawe,wouldtellheraboutOlive’s
yeni
newchiffondressandCecil’sson
lastdevotedletter.Valancywould
zorunda
havetolookaspleasedve
andinterestedasifthedressve
andletterhadbeenhersorelseAuntWellingtonolacaktı
wouldbeoffended.AndValancyhad
uzun
longagodecidedthatshewouldratheroffendTanrı
GodthanAuntWellington,becauseTanrı
GodmightforgiveherbutAuntWellingtonasla
neverwould.AuntAlberta,enormouslyfat,withanamiablehabitof
her zaman
alwaysreferringtoherhusbandas“he,”asifhewerethetek
onlymalecreatureintheworld,whocouldasla
neverforgetthatshehadbeenabüyük
greatbeautyinheryouth,wouldcondolewithValancyonhersallowskin—.“Idon’t
bilmiyorum
knowwhyallthegirlsoftodayaresosunburned.WhenIwas
bir
agirlmyskinwasrosesve
andcream.Iwascountedtheprettiest
kızı
girlinCanada,mydear.”Belki
PerhapsUncleHerbertwouldn’tsayanything—orbelki
perhapshewouldremarkjocularly,“Howfatyou’regetting,Doss!”Ve
Andtheneverybodywouldlaughovertheexcessivelyhumorousideaofzavallı
poor,scrawnylittleDossgettingfat.Handsome,solemn
Amca
UncleJames,whomValancydislikedama
butrespectedbecausehewasreputedtobeverycleverve
andwasthereforetheclanoracle—brainsbeingnonetooplentifulintheStirlingconnection—wouldmuhtemelen
probablyremarkwiththeowl-likesarcasmthathadwonhimhisreputation,“Isupposeyou’rebusywithyourhope-chestthesedays?”Ve
AndUncleBenjaminwouldasksomeofhisabominableconundrums,arasında
betweenwheezychuckles,andanswerthemhimself.“WhatisthedifferencebetweenDossandamouse?
“Themouse
istiyor
wishestoharmthecheeseve
andDosswishestocharmthehe’s.”Valancyhad
duymuştu
heardhimaskthatriddlefiftytimesve
andeverytimeshewantedtothrowşey
somethingathim.Butshe
asla
neverdid.Inthefirstplace,theStirlingssimplydidnotthrowthings;
inthesecondplace,
Amca
UncleBenjaminwasawealthyve
andchildlessoldwidowerandValancyhadbeenbroughtupinthefearve
andadmonitionofhismoney.Eğer
Ifsheoffendedhimheederse
wouldcutheroutofhiswill—supposingshewereinit.Valancydidnot
istemedi
wanttobecutoutofAmca
UncleBenjamin’swill.Shehadbeen
fakir
poorallherlifeandbiliyordu
knewthegallingbitternessofit.Sosheenduredhisriddles
ve
andevensmiledtorturedlittlesmilesoverthem.AuntIsabel,downright
ve
anddisagreeableasaneastwind,wouldcriticiseherinsomeway—Valancycouldnotpredictjustnasıl
how,forAuntIsabelneverrepeatedacriticism—shefoundşey
somethingnewwithwhichtojabyouher
everytime.AuntIsabelpridedherselfonsayingwhatshethought,
ama
butdidn’tlikeitsowellwhenotherpeoplesaidwhattheythoughttoona
her.Valancyneversaidwhatshethought.
CousinGeorgiana—namedafterhergreat-great-grand-mother,whohadbeennamedafterGeorgetheFourth—wouldrecountdolorouslythenamesof
tüm
allrelativesandfriendswhohaddiedsincetheson
lastpicnicandwonder“whichofuswillbethefirsttogonext.”Oppressivelycompetent,AuntMildred
olacaktı
wouldtalkendlesslyofherhusbandve
andherodiousprodigiesofbabiestoValancy,çünkü
becauseValancywouldbetheonlyoneshecouldfindtoputupwithit.Forthe
aynı
samereason,CousinGladys—reallyFirstCousinGladyskez
onceremoved,accordingtothestrictwayinwhichtheStirlingstabulatedrelationship—atall,thinkadın
ladywhoadmittedshehadbir
asensitivedisposition,woulddescribeminutelythetorturesofherneuritis.Ve
AndOlive,thewondergirlofthetüm
wholeStirlingclan,whohadeverythingValancyhadnot—beauty,popularity,love,—wouldgösterecekti
showoffherbeautyandpresumeonherpopularityve
andflauntherdiamondinsigniaofaşk
loveinValancy’sdazzled,enviouseyes.Therewouldbenoneofallthis
bugün
today.Andtherewouldbenopackingupofteaspoons.
Thepackingupwas
her zaman
alwaysleftforValancyandCousinStickles.Ve
Andonce,sixyearsago,bir
asilverteaspoonfromAuntWellington’sweddingsethadbeenlost.Valancy
hiç
neverheardthelastofo
thatsilverteaspoon.ItsghostappearedBanquo-likeat
her
everysubsequentfamilyfeast.Oh,
evet
yes,Valancyknewexactlywhatthepicnicwouldbelikeve
andsheblessedtherainthathadsavedherfromit.There
olmayacak
wouldbenopicnicthisyıl
year.IfAuntWellingtoncouldnotcelebrateonthesacred
günün
dayitselfshewouldhavenocelebrationatall.Thankwhatevergodstherewereforthat.
Sincethere
ederse
wouldbenopicnic,Valancymadeuphermindthat,eğer
iftherainheldupintheafternoon,sheederse
wouldgouptothelibraryandgetbaşka
anotherofJohnFoster’sbooks.Valancywas
asla
neverallowedtoreadnovels,ama
butJohnFoster’sbookswerenotnovels.Theywere“naturebooks”—sothelibrarian
anlattı
toldMrs.FrederickStirling—“allaboutthewoodsve
andbirdsandbugsandthingslikebu
that,youknow.”SoValancywasallowedtoreadthem—underprotest,foritwasonlytooevidentthatsheenjoyedthemtoomuch.
Itwaspermissible,
hatta
evenlaudable,toreadtoimproveyourmindve
andyourreligion,butakitap
bookthatwasenjoyablewasdangerous.Valancydidnot
bilmiyordu
knowwhetherhermindwasbeingimprovedornot;ama
butshefeltvaguelythatifshehadcomeacrossJohnFoster’sbooksyearsönce
agolifemighthavebeenbir
adifferentthingforher.Theyseemedtohertoyieldglimpsesof
bir
aworldintowhichshemightoncehaveentered,thoughthekapı
doorwasforeverbarredtohernow.Itwas
sadece
onlywithinthelastyearthatJohnFoster’sbookshadbeenintheDeerwoodlibrary,thoughthelibrariantoldValancythathehadbeenbir
awell-knownwriterforseveralyears.“Wheredoeshelive?”
Valancyhad
sormuştu
asked.“Nobodyknows.
Fromhisbookshe
olmalı
mustbeaCanadian,butnomoreinformationcanbehad.Hispublisherswon’tsaya
kelime
word.QuitelikelyJohnFosteris
bir
anomdeplume.Hisbooksaresopopularwecan’tkeeptheminatall,thoughI
gerçekten
reallycan’tseewhatpeoplefindinthemtoraveover.”“Ithinkthey’rewonderful,”
dedi
saidValancy,timidly.“Oh—well—”
MissClarksonsmiledin
bir
apatronisingfashionthatrelegatedValancy’sopinionstolimbo,“Ican’tsayIcareçok
muchforbugsmyself.ButcertainlyFosterseemsto
biliyor
knowallthereistobiliyor
knowaboutthem.”Valancydidn’t
bilmiyordu
knowwhethershecaredmuchforbugseither.ItwasnotJohnFoster’suncannyknowledgeofwildcreatures
ve
andinsectlifethatenthralledonu
her.Shecouldhardlysaywhatitwas—sometantalisinglureof
bir
amysteryneverrevealed—somehintofbir
agreatsecretjustalittlefurtheron—somefaint,elusiveechooflovely,forgottenthings—JohnFoster’smagicwasindefinable.Evet
Yes,shewouldgetayeni
newFosterbook.Itwas
bir
amonthsinceshehadThistleHarvest,sosurelyAnnem
Mothercouldnotobject.Valancyhad
okumuştu
readitfourtimes—sheknewbütün
wholepassagesoffbyheart.And—she
neredeyse
almostthoughtshewouldgove
andseeDr.Trentaboutthatqueerpainaroundtheheart.Ithadcomeratheroftenlately,
ve
andthepalpitationswerebecomingannoying,nottospeakofanoccasionaldizzymomentve
andaqueershortnessofbreath.Ama
Butcouldshegotogörmeye
seehimwithouttellinganyone?Itwas
bir
amostdaringthought.NoneoftheStirlingseverconsulted
bir
adoctorwithoutholdingaaile
familycouncilandgettingUncleJames’approval.Then,they
gittiler
wenttoDr.AmbroseMarshofPortLawrence,whohadmarriedSecondCousinAdelaideStirling.Ama
ButValancydislikedDr.AmbroseMarsh.And,besides,shecouldnotgettoPortLawrence,fifteenmilesaway,withoutbeingtaken
oraya
there.Shedidnotwantanyonetoknowaboutherheart.
Therewouldbe
böyle
suchafussmadeandher
everymemberofthefamilywouldcomedownve
andtalkitoverandadviseherve
andcautionherandwarnherve
andtellherhorribletalesofgreat-auntsve
andcousinsfortytimesremovedwhohadbeen“justlikethat”ve
and“droppeddeadwithoutamoment’swarning,mydear.”AuntIsabelwouldrememberthatshehad
her zaman
alwayssaidDosslookedlikebir
agirlwhowouldhavekalp
hearttrouble—“sopinchedandpeakedalways”;ve
andUncleWellingtonwouldtakeitasbir
apersonalinsult,when“noStirlingeverhadkalp
heartdiseasebefore”;andGeorgianawouldforebodeinperfectlyaudibleasidesthat“poor,
sevgili
dearlittleDossisn’tlongforthisdünya
world,I’mafraid”;andCousinGladyswouldsay,“Why,myhearthasbeenlikethatforyears,”inatonethatimpliednooneelsehadanybusiness
bile
eventohaveaheart;ve
andOlive—Olivewouldmerelylookgüzel
beautifulandsuperioranddisgustinglyhealthy,asiftodiyormuş
say,“Whyallthisfussoverbir
afadedsuperfluitylikeDosswhenyouhaveme?”Valancyfeltthatshecouldn’ttellanybodyunlessshehadto.
Shefelt
oldukça
quitesuretherewasnothingattüm
allseriouslywrongwithherkalbinde
heartandnoneedoftüm
allthepotherthatwouldensueifshementionedit.Shewould
sadece
justslipupquietlyandseeDr.Trentthatverygün
day.Asforhisbill,she
vardı
hadthetwohundreddollarsthatherfathervardı
hadputinthebankforherthegün
dayshewasborn.Shewas
asla
neverallowedtouseeventheinterestofthis,ama
butshewouldsecretlytakeoutenoughtoödeme
payDr.Trent.Dr.
Trentwas
bir
agruff,outspoken,absent-mindedoldfellow,ama
buthewasarecognisedauthorityonkalp
heartdisease,evenifheweresadece
onlyageneralpractitionerinout-of-the-worldDeerwood.Dr.Trentwasoverseventy
ve
andtherehadbeenrumoursthathemeanttoretireyakında
soon.NoneoftheStirlingclanhadever
gitmemişti
gonetohimsincehehadtoldCousinGladys,on
tenyearsbefore,thatherneuritiswasallimaginaryve
andthatsheenjoyedit.Youcouldn’tpatronise
bir
adoctorwhoinsultedyourfirst-cousin-once-removedlikethat—nottomentionthathewasbir
aPresbyterianwhenalltheStirlingswenttotheAnglicanchurch.CHAPTERII
WhenCousinSticklesknockedatherdoor,Valancy
biliyordu
knewitwashalf-pastsevenve
andshemustgetup.Aslongasshecouldremember,CousinStickleshadknockedatherdoorathalf-pastseven.
CousinStickles
ve
andMrs.FrederickStirlinghadbeenupberi
sinceseven,butValancywasallowedtolieabedyarım
halfanhourlongerbecauseofaaile
familytraditionthatshewasdelicate.Valancygot
kadar
up,thoughshehatedgettingkadar
upmorethismorningthanevershehadönce
before.