I
Iamasickman....
Iamaspitefulman.
Iamanunattractiveman.
Ibelievemy
lever
liverisdiseased.However,Iknownothingatallaboutmydisease,anddonotknowforcertainwhatailsme.
Idon’t
konsulterar
consultadoctorforit,andneverhave,thoughIhavearespectformedicineanddoctors.Besides,Iamextremely
vidskeplig
superstitious,sufficientlysotorespectmedicine,anyway(Iamwell-educatedenoughnottobevidskeplig
superstitious,butIamsuperstitious).No,Irefuseto
konsultera
consultadoctorfromspite.Thatyouprobablywillnotunderstand.
Well,Iunderstandit,though.
Ofcourse,Ican’texplainwhoitis
precis
preciselythatIammortifyinginthiscasebymyspite:IamperfectlywellawarethatIcannot“payout”thedoctorsbynot
konsultera
consultingthem;IknowbetterthananyonethatbyallthisIamonly
skadar
injuringmyselfandnooneelse.Butstill,ifIdon’t
konsulterar
consultadoctoritisfromspite.My
lever
liverisbad,well—letitgetworse!Ihavebeengoingonlikethatforalongtime—twentyyears.
NowIamforty.
Iusedtobeinthegovernmentservice,butamnolonger.
Iwasaspitefulofficial.
Iwasrudeandtookpleasureinbeingso.
Ididnottakebribes,yousee,soIwasboundtofindarecompenseinthat,atleast.
(Apoorjest,butIwillnotscratchitout.
Iwroteitthinkingitwouldsoundverywitty;
butnowthatIhaveseenmyselfthatIonlywantedtoshowoffinadespicableway,Iwillnotscratchitoutonpurpose!)
WhenpetitionersusedtocomeforinformationtothetableatwhichIsat,Iusedtogrindmyteethatthem,andfelt
intensiv
intenseenjoymentwhenIsucceededinmakinganybodyunhappy.Ialmostdid
lyckades
succeed.Forthemostparttheywereall
blyga
timidpeople—ofcourse,theywerepetitioners.ButoftheuppishonestherewasoneofficerinparticularIcouldnot
uthärda
endure.Hesimplywouldnotbe
ödmjuk
humble,andclankedhisswordinadisgustingway.Icarriedonafeudwithhimforeighteenmonthsoverthatsword.
AtlastIgotthebetterofhim.
Heleftoffclankingit.
Thathappenedinmyyouth,though.
Butdoyouknow,gentlemen,whatwasthechiefpointaboutmyspite?
Why,thewholepoint,therealstingofitlayinthefactthat
ständigt
continually,eveninthemomentoftheacutestspleen,Iwasinwardlymedveten
consciouswithshamethatIwasnotonlynotaspitefulbutnotevenanembitteredman,thatIwassimplyscaringsparrowsatrandomandamusingmyselfbyit.Imight
skum
foamatthemouth,butbringmeadolltoplaywith,givemeacupofteawithsugarinit,andmaybeIshouldbeappeased.Imightevenbe
uppriktigt
genuinelytouched,thoughprobablyIshouldgrindmyteethatmyselfafterwardsandlieawakeatnightwithshameformonthsafter.Thatwasmyway.
IwaslyingwhenIsaidjustnowthatIwasaspitefulofficial.
Iwaslyingfromspite.
Iwassimplyamusingmyselfwiththepetitionersandwiththeofficer,andinrealityInevercouldbecomespiteful.
Iwas
medveten
consciouseverymomentinmyselfofmany,verymanyelementsabsolutelyoppositetothat.Ifeltthempositively
svärma
swarminginme,theseoppositeelements.Iknewthattheyhadbeenswarminginmeallmylifeandcravingsome
utlopp
outletfromme,butIwouldnotletthem,wouldnotletthem,avsiktligt
purposelywouldnotletthemcomeout.TheytormentedmetillIwasashamed:
theydrovemetoconvulsionsand—sickenedme,atlast,howtheysickenedme!
Now,arenotyoufancying,gentlemen,thatIamexpressing
ånger
remorseforsomethingnow,thatIamaskingyourförlåtelse
forgivenessforsomething?Iamsureyouarefancyingthat...
However,I
försäkrar
assureyouIdonotcareifyouare....ItwasnotonlythatIcouldnotbecomespiteful,Ididnotknowhowtobecomeanything;
neitherspitefulnorkind,neitherarascalnoranhonestman,neitheraheronoran
insekt
insect.Now,Iamlivingoutmylifeinmycorner,tauntingmyselfwiththespitefulanduselessconsolationthatan
intelligent
intelligentmancannotbecomeanythingseriously,anditisonlythefoolwhobecomesanything.Yes,amaninthenineteenthcenturymustand
moraliskt
morallyoughttobepre-eminentlyacharacterlesscreature;amanofcharacter,an
aktiv
activemanispre-eminentlyalimitedcreature.Thatismy
övertygelse
convictionoffortyyears.Iamfortyyearsoldnow,andyouknowfortyyearsisawholelifetime;
youknowitis
extrem
extremeoldage.Tolivelongerthanfortyyearsisbadmanners,is
vulgärt
vulgar,immoral.Whodoeslivebeyondforty?
Answerthat,sincerelyandhonestlyIwilltellyouwhodo:
foolsand
värdelösa
worthlessfellows.Itellalloldmenthattotheirface,allthesevenerableoldmen,allthesesilver-hairedand
vördnadsvärda
reverendseniors!Itellthewholeworldthattoitsface!
Ihavearighttosayso,forIshallgoonlivingtosixtymyself.
Toseventy!
Toeighty!
Stay,letmetakebreath...
Youimaginenodoubt,gentlemen,thatIwantto
roa
amuseyou.Youaremistakeninthat,too.
Iambynomeanssuchamirthfulpersonasyouimagine,orasyoumayimagine;
however,irritatedbyallthisbabble(andIfeelthatyouareirritated)youthinkfittoaskmewhoIam—thenmyansweris,Iamacollegiateassessor.
IwasintheservicethatImighthavesomethingtoeat(and
enbart
solelyforthatreason),andwhenlastyearaavlägsen
distantrelationleftmesixthousandroublesinhiswillIimmediatelyretiredfromtheserviceandsettleddowninmycorner.Iusedtoliveinthiscornerbefore,butnowIhavesettleddowninit.
Myroomisawretched,horridoneinthe
utkanten
outskirtsofthetown.My
tjänare
servantisanoldcountry-woman,ill-naturedfromdumhet
stupidity,and,moreover,thereisalwaysanastysmellabouther.IamtoldthatthePetersburgclimateisbadforme,andthatwithmysmallmeansitisveryexpensivetoliveinPetersburg.
Iknowallthatbetterthanallthesesageandexperiencedcounsellorsandmonitors....
ButIamremaininginPetersburg;
IamnotgoingawayfromPetersburg!
Iamnotgoingawaybecause...
ech!
Why,itisabsolutelynomatterwhetherIamgoingawayornotgoingaway.
Butwhatcanadecentmanspeakofwithmostpleasure?
Answer:
Ofhimself.
II
Iwantnowtotellyou,gentlemen,whetheryoucaretohearitornot,whyIcouldnotevenbecomean
insekt
insect.Itellyousolemnly,thatIhavemanytimestriedtobecomean
insekt
insect.ButIwasnotequaleventothat.
Iswear,gentlemen,thattobetoo
medveten
consciousisanillness—arealthorough-goingsjukdom
illness.Forman’severydayneeds,itwouldhavebeenquiteenoughtohavetheordinaryhumanconsciousness,thatis,halforaquarteroftheamountwhichfallstothelotofacultivatedmanofourunhappynineteenthcentury,especiallyonewhohasthefatalill-lucktoinhabitPetersburg,themost
teoretiska
theoreticalandintentionaltownonthewholeterrestrialjordklotet
globe.(Thereareintentionalandunintentionaltowns.)
Itwouldhavebeenquiteenough,for
exempel
instance,tohavetheconsciousnessbywhichallso-calleddirectpersonsandmenofactionlive.IbetyouthinkIamwritingallthisfromaffectation,tobewittyatthe
bekostnad
expenseofmenofaction;andwhatismore,thatfromill-bredaffectation,Iamclankingaswordlikemyofficer.
But,gentlemen,whoevercanpridehimselfonhisdiseasesandevenswaggeroverthem?
Though,afterall,everyonedoesdothat;
peopledopridethemselvesontheirdiseases,andIdo,maybe,morethananyone.
Wewillnot
bestrida
disputeit;mycontentionwas
absurt
absurd.ButyetIamfirmlypersuadedthatagreatdealof
medvetande
consciousness,everysortofconsciousness,infact,isadisease.Isticktothat.
Letusleavethat,too,foraminute.
Tellmethis:
whydoesithappenthatatthevery,yes,attheverymomentswhenIammostcapableoffeelingeveryrefinementofallthatis“sublimeandbeautiful,”astheyusedtosayatonetime,itwould,asthoughofdesign,happentomenotonlytofeelbuttodosuchuglythings,suchthat...
Well,inshort,actionsthatall,perhaps,commit;
butwhich,asthough
avsiktligt
purposely,occurredtomeattheverytimewhenIwasmostmedveten
consciousthattheyoughtnottobecommitted.Themore
medveten
consciousIwasofgoodnessandofallthatwas“sublimeandbeautiful,”themoredeeplyIsankintomymireandthemorereadyIwastosjunka
sinkinitaltogether.Butthechiefpointwasthatallthiswas,asitwere,notaccidentalinme,butasthoughitwereboundtobeso.
Itwasasthoughitweremymostnormalcondition,andnotintheleastdiseaseordepravity,sothatatlastalldesireinmetostruggleagainstthisdepravitypassed.
Itendedbymyalmostbelieving(perhapsactuallybelieving)thatthiswasperhapsmynormalcondition.
Butatfirst,inthebeginning,whatagoniesI
uthärdade
enduredinthatstruggle!Ididnotbelieveitwasthesamewithotherpeople,andallmylifeIhidthisfactaboutmyselfasasecret.
Iwasashamed(evennow,perhaps,Iamashamed):
Igottothepointoffeelingasortofsecret
onormal
abnormal,despicableenjoymentinreturninghometomycorneronsomedisgustingPetersburgnight,acutelymedveten
consciousthatthatdayIhadcommittedaloathsomeactionagain,thatwhatwasdonecouldneverbeångra
undone,andsecretly,inwardlygnawing,gnawingatmyselfforit,tearingandförbrukade
consumingmyselftillatlastthebitternessturnedintoasortofshamefulaccursedsötma
sweetness,andatlast—intopositiverealnjutning
enjoyment!Yes,intoenjoyment,into
njutning
enjoyment!Iinsistuponthat.
IhavespokenofthisbecauseIkeepwantingtoknowforafactwhetherotherpeoplefeelsuch
njutning
enjoyment?Iwillexplain;
theenjoymentwasjustfromthetoointenseconsciousnessofone’sowndegradation;
itwasfromfeelingoneselfthatonehadreachedthelastbarrier,thatitwashorrible,butthatitcouldnotbeotherwise;
thattherewasnoescapeforyou;
thatyounevercouldbecomeadifferentman;
thateveniftimeandfaithwerestillleftyoutochangeintosomethingdifferentyouwouldmostlikelynotwishtochange;
orifyoudidwishto,eventhenyouwoulddonothing;
becauseperhapsinrealitytherewasnothingforyoutochangeinto.
Andtheworstofitwas,andthe
roten
rootofitall,thatitwasallinaccordwiththenormalgrundläggande
fundamentallawsofover-acuteconsciousness,andwiththeinertiathatwasthedirectresultofthoselaws,andthatföljaktligen
consequentlyonewasnotonlyunabletochangebutcoulddoabsolutelynothing.Thusitwouldfollow,astheresultof
akut
acuteconsciousness,thatoneisnottoblameinbeingascoundrel;asthoughthatwereany
tröst
consolationtothescoundreloncehehascometoinse
realisethatheactuallyisascoundrel.Butenough....
Ech,Ihavetalkedalotofnonsense,butwhathaveIexplained?
Howis
glädje
enjoymentinthistobeexplained?ButIwillexplainit.
Iwillgettothebottomofit!
ThatiswhyIhavetakenupmypen....
I,for
exempel
instance,haveagreatdealofamourpropre.Iamas
misstänksam
suspiciousandpronetotakeoffenceasahumpbackoradvärg
dwarf.ButuponmywordIsometimeshavehadmomentswhenifIhadhappenedtobeslappedinthefaceIshould,perhaps,havebeen
positivt
positivelygladofit.Isay,in
allvar
earnest,thatIshouldprobablyhavebeenabletoupptäcka
discovereveninthatapeculiarsortofenjoyment—thenjutning
enjoyment,ofcourse,ofdespair;butin
förtvivlan
despairtherearethemostintenseenjoyments,especiallywhenoneisveryacutelymedveten
consciousofthehopelessnessofone’sposition.Andwhenoneisslappedintheface—whythentheconsciousnessofbeingrubbedintoapulpwould
positivt
positivelyoverwhelmone.Theworstofitis,lookatitwhichwayonewill,itstillturnsoutthatIwasalwaysthemosttoblameineverything.
Andwhatismosthumiliatingofall,toblamefornofaultofmyownbut,sotosay,throughthelawsofnature.
Inthefirstplace,toblamebecauseIamclevererthananyofthepeoplesurroundingme.
(Ihavealwaysconsideredmyselfclevererthananyofthepeople
omger
surroundingme,andsometimes,wouldyoubelieveit,havebeenpositivelyashamedofit.Atanyrate,Ihaveallmylife,asitwere,turnedmyeyesawayandnevercouldlookpeoplestraightintheface.)
Toblame,finally,becauseevenifIhadhadmagnanimity,Ishouldonlyhavehadmoresufferingfromthesenseofitsuselessness.
Ishouldcertainlyhaveneverbeenabletodoanythingfrombeingmagnanimous—neithertoforgive,formyassailantwouldperhapshaveslappedmefromthelawsofnature,andonecannotforgivethelawsofnature;
nortoforget,forevenifitwereowingtothelawsofnature,itisinsultingallthesame.
Finally,evenifIhadwantedtobeanythingbutmagnanimous,haddesiredonthe
tvärtom
contrarytorevengemyselfonmyassailant,IcouldnothaverevengedmyselfonanyoneforanythingbecauseIshouldcertainlyneverhavemadeupmymindtodoanything,evenifIhadbeenableto.WhyshouldInothavemadeupmymind?
III
Withpeoplewhoknowhowtorevengethemselvesandtostandupforthemselvesingeneral,howisitdone?
Why,whentheyarepossessed,letussuppose,bythefeelingofrevenge,thenforthetimethereisnothingelsebutthatfeelingleftintheirwholebeing.
Suchagentlemansimplydashesstraightforhisobjectlikeaninfuriatedbullwithitshornsdown,andnothingbutawallwillstophim.
(Bytheway:
facingthewall,suchgentlemen—thatis,the“direct”personsandmenofaction—are
verkligen
genuinelynonplussed.Forthemawallisnotanevasion,asforuspeoplewhothinkand
följaktligen
consequentlydonothing;itisnotanexcuseforturningaside,anexcuseforwhichwearealwaysveryglad,thoughwe
knappast
scarcelybelieveinitourselves,asarule.No,theyarenonplussedinall
uppriktighet
sincerity.Thewallhasforthemsomethingtranquillising,
moraliskt
morallysoothing,final—maybeevensomethingmysterious...butofthewalllater.)
Well,suchadirectpersonI
betraktar
regardastherealnormalman,ashistendermothernaturewishedtoseehimwhenshegraciouslybroughthimintobeingontheearth.I
avundas
envysuchamantillIamgreenintheface.Heisstupid.
Iamnotdisputingthat,butperhapsthenormalmanshouldbestupid,howdoyouknow?
Perhapsitisverybeautiful,infact.
AndIamthemorepersuadedofthat
misstanke
suspicion,ifonecancallitso,bythefactthatifyoutake,forexempel
instance,theantithesisofthenormalman,thatis,themanofacutemedvetande
consciousness,whohascome,ofcourse,notoutoftheknä
lapofnaturebutoutofaretort(thisisalmostmysticism,gentlemen,butIsuspectthis,too),thisretort-mademanissometimessononplussedinthepresenceofhisantithesisthatwithallhisexaggeratedmedvetande
consciousnesshegenuinelythinksofhimselfasamouseandnotaman.Itmaybeanacutely
medveten
consciousmouse,yetitisamouse,whiletheotherisaman,andtherefore,etcaetera,etcaetera.Andtheworstofitis,hehimself,hisveryownself,looksonhimselfasamouse;
nooneaskshimtodoso;
andthatisanimportantpoint.
Nowletuslookatthismouseinaction.
Letussuppose,for
exempel
instance,thatitfeelsinsulted,too(anditalmostalwaysdoesfeelinsulted),andwantstorevengeitself,too.Theremayevenbeagreateraccumulationofspiteinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.
Thebaseandnastydesiretoventthatspiteonitsassailantranklesperhapsevenmorenastilyinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.
Forthroughhisinnate
dumhet
stupiditythelatterlooksuponhisrevengeasjusticepureandsimple;whileinconsequenceofhisacute
medvetande
consciousnessthemousedoesnotbelieveinthejusticeofit.Tocomeatlasttothedeeditself,totheveryactofrevenge.
Apartfromtheone
grundläggande
fundamentalnastinessthelucklessmouselyckas
succeedsincreatingarounditsomanyothernastinessesintheformofdoubtsandquestions,addstotheonequestionsomanyunsettledquestionsthatthereoundvikligen
inevitablyworksuparounditasortofdödlig
fatalbrew,astinkingmess,madeupofitsdoubts,emotions,andoftheförakt
contemptspatuponitbythedirectmenofactionwhostandhögtidligt
solemnlyaboutitasjudgesandarbitrators,laughingatittilltheirhealthysidesvärker
ache.Ofcoursetheonlythingleftforitistodismissallthatwithawaveofits
tass
paw,and,withasmileofassumedförakt
contemptinwhichitdoesnotevenitselfbelieve,krypa
creepignominiouslyintoitsmouse-hole.Thereinitsnasty,stinking,undergroundhomeour
förolämpade
insulted,crushedandridiculedmousepromptlybecomesabsorbedincold,malignantand,aboveall,everlastingspite.Forfortyyearstogetheritwillrememberits
skada
injurydowntothesmallest,mostignominiousdetails,andeverytimewilladd,ofitself,detailsstillmoreignominious,spitefullyretar
teasingandtormentingitselfwithitsownimagination.Itwillitselfbeashamedofitsimaginings,butyetitwill
minnas
recallitall,itwillgooverandovereverydetalj
detail,itwillinventunheardofthingsagainstitself,pretendingthatthosethingsmighthappen,andwillforgivenothing.Maybeitwillbegintorevengeitself,too,but,asitwere,piecemeal,intrivialways,frombehindthestove,incognito,withoutbelievingeitherinitsownrighttovengeance,orinthesuccessofitsrevenge,knowingthatfromallitseffortsatrevengeitwillsufferahundredtimesmorethanheonwhomitrevengesitself,whilehe,Idaresay,willnotevenscratchhimself.
Onitsdeathbeditwill
minnas
recallitalloveragain,withinterestaccumulatedoveralltheyearsand...Butitisjustinthatcold,
avskyvärda
abominablehalfdespair,halfbelief,inthatmedvetna
consciousburyingoneselfaliveforsorg
griefintheunderworldforfortyyears,inthatacutelyrecognisedandyetdelvis
partlydoubtfulhopelessnessofone’sposition,inthathellofunsatisfieddesiresturnedinward,inthatfeverofoscillations,ofresolutionsdeterminedforeverandångrar
repentedofagainaminutelater—thatthesavourofthatstrangenjutning
enjoymentofwhichIhavespokenlies.Itissosubtle,sodifficultofanalysis,thatpersonswhoarealittle
begränsade
limited,orevensimplypersonsofstrongnerves,willnotunderstandasingleatom
atomofit.“Possibly,”youwilladdonyourownaccountwithagrin,“peoplewillnotunderstanditeitherwhohaveneverreceiveda
slap
slapintheface,”andinthatwayyouwillartigt
politelyhinttomethatI,too,perhaps,havehadtheexperienceofaslap
slapinthefaceinmylife,andsoIspeakasonewhoknows.Ibetthatyouarethinkingthat.
Butsetyourmindsatrest,gentlemen,Ihavenotreceivedaslapintheface,thoughitisabsolutelyamatterofindifferencetomewhatyoumaythinkaboutit.
Possibly,Ievenregret,myself,thatIhavegivensofewslapsinthefaceduringmylife.
Butenough...
notanotherwordonthatsubjectofsuchextremeinteresttoyou.
Iwillcontinue
lugnt
calmlyconcerningpersonswithstrongnerveswhodonotunderstandacertainrefinementofnjutning
enjoyment.Thoughincertaincircumstancesthesegentlemenbellowtheirloudestlikebulls,thoughthis,letussuppose,doesthemthegreatestcredit,yet,asIhavesaidalready,
konfronterade
confrontedwiththeimpossibletheysubsideatonce.Theimpossiblemeansthestonewall!
Whatstonewall?
Why,ofcourse,thelawsofnature,thedeductionsofnaturalscience,mathematics.