I
Iamasickman....
Iamaspitefulman.
Iamanunattractiveman.
Ibelievemyliverisdiseased.
Men
However,Iknownothingatallaboutmydisease,anddonotknowforcertainwhatailsme.Idon’tconsultadoctorforit,andneverhave,thoughIhavea
respekt
respectformedicineanddoctors.Besides,Iamextremelysuperstitious,sufficientlysoto
respektera
respectmedicine,anyway(Iamwell-educatedenoughnottobesuperstitious,butIamsuperstitious).No,Irefusetoconsultadoctorfromspite.
Thatyouprobablywillnotunderstand.
Well,Iunderstandit,though.
Ofcourse,Ican’t
förklara
explainwhoitispreciselythatIammortifyinginthiscasebymyspite:IamperfectlywellawarethatIcannot“payout”thedoctorsbynotconsultingthem;
IknowbetterthananyonethatbyallthisIamonlyinjuringmyselfandnooneelse.
Butstill,ifIdon’tconsultadoctoritisfromspite.
Myliverisbad,well—letitget
värre
worse!Ihavebeengoingonlikethatforalongtime—twentyyears.
NowIamforty.
Iusedtobeinthegovernmentservice,butamnolonger.
Iwasaspitefulofficial.
Iwasrudeandtookpleasureinbeingso.
Ididnottakebribes,yousee,soIwasboundtofindarecompenseinthat,atleast.
(Apoorjest,butIwillnotscratchitout.
Iwroteitthinkingitwouldsoundverywitty;
butnowthatIhaveseenmyselfthatIonlywantedtoshowoffinadespicableway,Iwillnotscratchitoutonpurpose!)
Whenpetitionersusedtocomefor
information
informationtothetableatwhichIsat,Iusedtogrindmyteethatthem,andfeltintenseenjoymentwhenIsucceededinmakinganybodyunhappy.Ialmostdidsucceed.
Forthemostparttheywerealltimidpeople—ofcourse,theywerepetitioners.
Butoftheuppishonestherewasone
officer
officerinparticularIcouldnotendure.Hesimplywouldnotbehumble,andclankedhisswordinadisgustingway.
Icarriedonafeudwithhimforeighteenmonthsoverthatsword.
AtlastIgotthebetterofhim.
Heleftoffclankingit.
Thathappenedinmyyouth,though.
Butdoyouknow,gentlemen,whatwasthechiefpointaboutmyspite?
Why,thewholepoint,therealstingofitlayinthefactthatcontinually,eveninthemomentoftheacutestspleen,Iwasinwardlyconsciouswith
skam
shamethatIwasnotonlynotaspitefulbutnotevenanembitteredman,thatIwassimplyscaringsparrowsatrandomandamusingmyselfbyit.Imightfoamatthe
munnen
mouth,butbringmeadolltoplaywith,givemeakopp
cupofteawithsugarinit,andmaybeIshouldbeappeased.Imightevenbegenuinelytouched,thoughprobablyIshouldgrindmyteethatmyselfafterwardsandlieawakeatnightwith
skam
shameformonthsafter.Thatwasmyway.
IwaslyingwhenIsaidjustnowthatIwasaspitefulofficial.
Iwaslyingfromspite.
Iwassimplyamusingmyselfwiththepetitionersandwiththeofficer,andinrealityInevercouldbecomespiteful.
Iwasconsciouseverymomentinmyselfofmany,verymanyelements
helt
absolutelyoppositetothat.Ifeltthempositivelyswarminginme,theseoppositeelements.
Iknewthattheyhadbeenswarminginmeallmylifeandcravingsomeoutletfromme,butIwouldnotletthem,wouldnotletthem,purposelywouldnotletthemcomeout.
TheytormentedmetillIwasashamed:
theydrovemetoconvulsionsand—sickenedme,atlast,howtheysickenedme!
Now,arenotyoufancying,gentlemen,thatIamexpressingremorseforsomethingnow,thatIamaskingyourforgivenessforsomething?
Iamsureyouarefancyingthat...
Men
However,IassureyouIdonotcareifyouare....ItwasnotonlythatIcouldnotbecomespiteful,Ididnotknowhowtobecomeanything;
varken
neitherspitefulnorkind,neitherarascaleller
noranhonestman,neitherahjälte
heronoraninsect.Now,Iamlivingoutmylifeinmycorner,tauntingmyselfwiththespitefulanduselessconsolationthatanintelligentmancannotbecomeanything
allvarligt
seriously,anditisonlythefoolwhobecomesanything.Yes,amaninthenineteenthcenturymustandmorallyoughttobepre-eminentlyacharacterlesscreature;
amanofcharacter,anactivemanispre-eminentlyalimitedcreature.
Thatismyconvictionoffortyyears.
Iamfortyyearsoldnow,andyouknowfortyyearsisawholelifetime;
youknowitisextremeoldage.
Tolivelongerthanfortyyearsisbadmanners,isvulgar,immoral.
Whodoeslivebeyondforty?
Answerthat,sincerelyandhonestlyIwilltellyouwhodo:
foolsandworthlessfellows.
Itellalloldmenthattotheirface,allthesevenerableoldmen,allthesesilver-hairedandreverendseniors!
Itellthewholeworldthattoitsface!
Ihavearighttosayso,forIshallgoonlivingtosixtymyself.
Toseventy!
Toeighty!
Stay,letmetakebreath...
Youimagineno
tvekan
doubt,gentlemen,thatIwanttoamuseyou.Youaremistakeninthat,too.
Iambynomeanssuchamirthfulpersonasyouimagine,orasyoumayimagine;
men
however,irritatedbyallthisbabble(andIfeelthatyouareirritated)youthinkfittoaskmewhoIam—thenmyansweris,Iamacollegiateassessor.IwasintheservicethatImighthavesomethingtoeat(andsolelyforthatreason),andwhenlastyearadistantrelationleftmesix
tusen
thousandroublesinhiswillIomedelbart
immediatelyretiredfromtheserviceandsettleddowninmycorner.Iusedtoliveinthiscornerbefore,butnowIhavesettleddowninit.
Myroomisawretched,horridoneintheoutskirtsofthetown.
Myservantisanoldcountry-woman,ill-naturedfromstupidity,and,moreover,thereisalwaysanasty
lukt
smellabouther.IamtoldthatthePetersburgclimateisbadforme,andthatwithmysmallmeansitisveryexpensivetoliveinPetersburg.
Iknowallthatbetterthanallthesesageandexperiencedcounsellorsandmonitors....
ButIamremaininginPetersburg;
IamnotgoingawayfromPetersburg!
Iamnotgoingawaybecause...
ech!
Why,itisabsolutelynomatter
om
whetherIamgoingawayornotgoingaway.Butwhatcanadecentmanspeakofwithmost
nöje
pleasure?Answer:
Ofhimself.
II
Iwantnowtotellyou,gentlemen,
om
whetheryoucaretohearitornot,whyIcouldnotevenbecomeaninsect.Itellyousolemnly,thatIhavemanytimestriedtobecomeaninsect.
ButIwasnotequaleventothat.
I
svär
swear,gentlemen,thattobetooconsciousisanillness—arealthorough-goingillness.Forman’severydayneeds,itwouldhavebeenquiteenoughtohavetheordinaryhumanconsciousness,thatis,halforaquarteroftheamountwhichfallstothelotofacultivatedmanofourunhappynineteenthcentury,
synnerhet
especiallyonewhohasthefatalill-lucktoinhabitPetersburg,themosttheoreticalandintentionaltownonthewholeterrestrialglobe.(Thereareintentionalandunintentionaltowns.)
Itwouldhavebeenquiteenough,forinstance,tohavetheconsciousnessbywhichallso-calleddirectpersonsandmenofactionlive.
IbetyouthinkIamwritingallthisfromaffectation,tobewittyattheexpenseofmenofaction;
andwhatismore,thatfromill-bredaffectation,Iamclankingaswordlikemy
officer
officer.But,gentlemen,whoevercanpridehimselfonhisdiseasesandevenswaggeroverthem?
Though,afterall,everyonedoesdothat;
peopledopridethemselvesontheirdiseases,andIdo,maybe,morethananyone.
Wewillnotdisputeit;
mycontentionwasabsurd.
ButyetIamfirmlypersuadedthatagreatdealofconsciousness,everysortofconsciousness,infact,isadisease.
Isticktothat.
Letusleavethat,too,foraminute.
Tellmethis:
whydoesithappenthatatthevery,yes,attheverymomentswhenIammostcapableoffeelingeveryrefinementofallthatis“sublimeandbeautiful,”astheyusedtosayatonetime,itwould,asthoughofdesign,happentomenotonlytofeelbuttodosuch
fula
uglythings,suchthat...Well,inshort,actionsthatall,perhaps,commit;
butwhich,asthoughpurposely,occurredtomeattheverytimewhenIwasmostconsciousthattheyoughtnottobecommitted.
ThemoreconsciousIwasofgoodnessandofallthatwas“sublimeandbeautiful,”themoredeeplyIsankintomymireandthemorereadyIwastosinkinitaltogether.
Butthechiefpointwasthatallthiswas,asitwere,notaccidentalinme,butasthoughitwereboundtobeso.
Itwasasthoughitweremymostnormalcondition,andnotintheleastdiseaseordepravity,sothatatlastalldesireinmetostruggleagainstthisdepravitypassed.
Itendedbymyalmostbelieving(perhapsactuallybelieving)thatthiswasperhapsmynormalcondition.
Butatfirst,inthe
början
beginning,whatagoniesIenduredinthatstruggle!Ididnotbelieveitwasthesamewithotherpeople,andallmylifeI
gömde
hidthisfactaboutmyselfasahemlighet
secret.Iwasashamed(evennow,perhaps,Iamashamed):
Igottothepointoffeelingasortofsecretabnormal,despicableenjoymentinreturninghometomycorneronsomedisgustingPetersburgnight,acutelyconsciousthatthatdayIhadcommittedaloathsome
handling
actionagain,thatwhatwasdonecouldneverbeundone,andsecretly,inwardlygnawing,gnawingatmyselfforit,tearingandconsumingmyselftillatlastthebitternessturnedintoasortofshamefulaccursedsweetness,andatlast—intopositiverealenjoyment!Yes,intoenjoyment,intoenjoyment!
Iinsistuponthat.
IhavespokenofthisbecauseIkeepwantingtoknowforafact
om
whetherotherpeoplefeelsuchenjoyment?Iwill
förklara
explain;theenjoymentwasjustfromthetoointenseconsciousnessofone’sowndegradation;
itwasfromfeelingoneselfthatonehad
nått
reachedthelastbarrier,thatitwashorrible,butthatitcouldnotbeotherwise;thattherewasno
flykt
escapeforyou;thatyounevercouldbecomeadifferentman;
thateveniftimeand
tro
faithwerestillleftyoutochangeintosomethingdifferentyouwouldmostlikelynotwishtochange;orifyoudidwishto,eventhenyouwoulddonothing;
becauseperhapsinrealitytherewasnothingforyoutochangeinto.
Andthe
värsta
worstofitwas,andtherootofitall,thatitwasallinaccordwiththenormalfundamentallawsofover-acuteconsciousness,andwiththeinertiathatwasthedirectresultofthoselaws,andthatconsequentlyonewasnotonlyunabletochangebutcoulddoabsolut
absolutelynothing.Thusitwouldfollow,astheresultofacuteconsciousness,thatoneisnottoblameinbeingascoundrel;
asthoughthatwereanyconsolationtothescoundreloncehehascometorealisethatheactuallyisascoundrel.
Butenough....
Ech,Ihavetalkedalotofnonsense,butwhathaveI
förklarat
explained?Howisenjoymentinthistobe
förklara
explained?ButIwillexplainit.
Iwillgettothebottomofit!
ThatiswhyIhavetakenupmypen....
I,forinstance,haveagreatdealofamourpropre.
Iamassuspiciousandpronetotakeoffenceasahumpbackoradwarf.
ButuponmywordIsometimeshavehadmomentswhenifIhadhappenedtobeslappedinthefaceIshould,perhaps,havebeenpositively
glad
gladofit.Isay,inearnest,thatIshouldprobablyhavebeenabletodiscovereveninthatapeculiarsortofenjoyment—theenjoyment,ofcourse,ofdespair;
butindespairtherearethemostintenseenjoyments,
särskilt
especiallywhenoneisveryacutelyconsciousofthehopelessnessofone’sposition
position.Andwhenoneisslappedintheface—whythentheconsciousnessofbeingrubbedintoapulpwouldpositivelyoverwhelmone.
The
värsta
worstofitis,lookatitwhichwayonewill,itstillturnsoutthatIwasalwaysthemosttoblameineverything.Andwhatismosthumiliatingofall,to
skylla
blamefornofaultofmyownbut,sotosay,throughthelawsofnature.Inthefirstplace,to
skylla
blamebecauseIamclevererthananyofthepeoplesurroundingme.(Ihavealwaysconsideredmyselfclevererthananyofthepeoplesurroundingme,andsometimes,wouldyoubelieveit,havebeenpositivelyashamedofit.
Atanyrate,Ihaveallmylife,asitwere,turnedmyeyesawayandnevercouldlookpeople
rakt
straightintheface.)To
skylla
blame,finally,becauseevenifIhadhadmagnanimity,Ishouldonlyhavehadmoresufferingfromthesenseofitsuselessness.Ishould
säkert
certainlyhaveneverbeenabletodoanythingfrombeingmagnanimous—neithertoförlåta
forgive,formyassailantwouldperhapshaveslappedmefromthelawsofnature,andonecannotförlåta
forgivethelawsofnature;inte heller
nortoforget,forevenifitwereowingtothelawsofnature,itisinsultingallthesame.Slutligen
Finally,evenifIhadwantedtobeanythingbutmagnanimous,haddesiredonthecontrarytorevengemyselfonmyassailant,IcouldnothaverevengedmyselfonanyoneforanythingbecauseIshouldverkligen
certainlyneverhavemadeupmymindtodoanything,evenifIhadbeenableto.WhyshouldInothavemadeupmymind?
III
Withpeoplewhoknowhowtorevengethemselvesandtostandupforthemselvesingeneral,howisitdone?
Why,whentheyarepossessed,letus
anta
suppose,bythefeelingofrevenge,thenforthetimethereisnothingelsebutthatfeelingleftintheirwholebeing.Suchagentlemansimplydashes
rakt
straightforhisobjectlikeaninfuriatedbullwithitshornsdown,andnothingbutavägg
wallwillstophim.(Bytheway:
facingthe
väggen
wall,suchgentlemen—thatis,the“direct”personsandmenofaction—aregenuinelynonplussed.Forthema
mur
wallisnotanevasion,asforuspeoplewhothinkandconsequentlydonothing;itisnotanexcuseforturningaside,anexcuseforwhichwearealwaysveryglad,thoughwescarcelybelieveinitourselves,asa
regel
rule.No,theyarenonplussedinallsincerity.
The
muren
wallhasforthemsomethingtranquillising,morallysoothing,final—maybeevensomethingmysterious...butofthe
muren
walllater.)Well,suchadirectpersonIregardastherealnormalman,ashistendermothernaturewishedtoseehimwhenshegraciouslybroughthimintobeingontheearth.
IenvysuchamantillIam
grön
greenintheface.Heisstupid.
Iamnotdisputingthat,butperhapsthenormalmanshouldbestupid,howdoyouknow?
Perhapsitisverybeautiful,infact.
AndIamthemorepersuadedofthatsuspicion,ifonecancallitso,bythefactthatifyoutake,forinstance,theantithesisofthenormalman,thatis,themanofacuteconsciousness,whohascome,ofcourse,notoutofthelapofnaturebutoutofaretort(thisisalmostmysticism,gentlemen,butIsuspectthis,too),thisretort-mademanissometimessononplussedinthepresenceofhisantithesisthatwithallhisexaggeratedconsciousnesshegenuinelythinksofhimselfasamouseandnotaman.
Itmaybeanacutelyconsciousmouse,yetitisamouse,whiletheotherisaman,andtherefore,etcaetera,etcaetera.
Andthe
värsta
worstofitis,hehimself,hisveryownsjälv
self,looksonhimselfasamouse;nooneaskshimtodoso;
andthatisanimportantpoint.
Nowletuslookatthismousein
aktion
action.Letussuppose,forinstance,thatitfeelsinsulted,too(anditalmostalwaysdoesfeelinsulted),andwantstorevengeitself,too.
Theremayevenbeagreateraccumulationofspiteinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.
Thebaseandnastydesiretoventthatspiteonitsassailantranklesperhapsevenmorenastilyinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.
Forthroughhisinnatestupiditythelatterlooksuponhisrevengeasjusticepureand
enkel
simple;whileinconsequenceofhisacuteconsciousnessthemousedoesnotbelieveinthejusticeofit.
Tocomeatlasttothedeeditself,totheveryactofrevenge.
Apartfromtheonefundamentalnastinessthelucklessmousesucceedsincreatingarounditsomanyothernastinessesintheformofdoubtsandquestions,addstotheonequestionsomanyunsettledquestionsthatthereinevitablyworksuparounditasortoffatalbrew,astinking
röra
mess,madeupofitsdoubts,emotions,andofthecontemptspatuponitbythedirectmenofactionwhostandsolemnlyaboutitasjudgesandarbitrators,skrattar
laughingatittilltheirhealthysidesache.Ofcoursetheonlythingleftforitistodismissallthatwithawaveofitspaw,and,witha
leende
smileofassumedcontemptinwhichitdoesnotevenitselfbelieve,creepignominiouslyintoitsmouse-hole.Thereinitsnasty,stinking,undergroundhomeourinsulted,crushedandridiculedmousepromptlybecomesabsorbedincold,malignantand,aboveall,everlastingspite.
Forfortyyearstogetheritwillrememberitsinjurydowntothesmallest,mostignominiousdetails,andeverytimewilladd,ofitself,detailsstillmoreignominious,spitefullyteasingandtormentingitselfwithitsownimagination.
Itwillitselfbeashamedofitsimaginings,butyetitwillrecallitall,itwillgooverandovereverydetail,itwillinventunheardofthingsagainstitself,pretendingthatthosethingsmighthappen,andwill
förlåta
forgivenothing.Maybeitwill
börja
begintorevengeitself,too,but,asitwere,piecemeal,intrivialways,frombehindthestove,incognito,withoutbelievingeitherinitsownrighttovengeance,orinthesuccessofitsrevenge,knowingthatfromallitseffortsatrevengeitwillsufferahundra
hundredtimesmorethanheonwhomitrevengesitself,whilehe,Idaresay,willnotevenscratchhimself.Onitsdeathbeditwillrecallitalloveragain,with
ränta
interestaccumulatedoveralltheyearsand...Butitisjustinthatcold,abominablehalfdespair,halfbelief,inthatconsciousburyingoneselfaliveforgriefintheunderworldforfortyyears,inthatacutelyrecognisedandyetpartlydoubtfulhopelessnessofone’s
ställning
position,inthathellofunsatisfieddesiresturnedinward,inthatfeverofoscillations,ofresolutionsdeterminedforeverandrepentedofagainaminutelater—thatthesavourofthatstrangeenjoymentofwhichIhavespokenlies.Itissosubtle,so
svårt
difficultofanalysis,thatpersonswhoarealittlelimited,orevensimplypersonsofstrongnerves,willnotunderstandaenda
singleatomofit.“Possibly,”youwilladdonyourownaccountwithagrin,“peoplewillnotunderstanditeitherwhohaveneverreceivedaslapintheface,”andinthatwayyouwillpolitelyhinttomethatI,too,perhaps,havehadtheexperienceofaslapinthefaceinmylife,andsoIspeakasonewhoknows.
Ibetthatyouarethinkingthat.
Butsetyourmindsatrest,gentlemen,Ihavenotreceivedaslapintheface,thoughitis
helt
absolutelyamatterofindifferencetomewhatyoumaythinkaboutit.Possibly,Ievenregret,myself,thatIhavegivensofewslapsintheface
under
duringmylife.Butenough...
notanotherwordonthatsubjectofsuchextremeinteresttoyou.
Iwill
fortsätta
continuecalmlyconcerningpersonswithstrongnerveswhodonotunderstandaviss
certainrefinementofenjoyment.Thoughin
vissa
certaincircumstancesthesegentlemenbellowtheirloudestlikebulls,thoughthis,letusanta
suppose,doesthemthegreatestcredit,yet,asIhavesaidalready,confrontedwiththeimpossibletheysubsideatonce.Theimpossiblemeansthestonewall!
Whatstonewall?
Why,ofcourse,thelawsofnature,thedeductionsofnaturalscience,mathematics.