CHAPTERI
Ifithadnotrainedon
en
acertainMaymorningValancyStirling’swholeliv
lifewouldhavebeenentirelyannorlunda
different.Shewouldhavegone,
med
withtherestofherclan,toAuntWellington’sengagementpicnicoch
andDr.Trentwouldhaveåkt
gonetoMontreal.Butitdidrain
och
andyoushallhearwhathände
happenedtoherbecauseofdet
it.Valancywakenedearly,in
den
thelifeless,hopelesshourjustprecedingdawn.She
hade
hadnotsleptverywell.Onedoesnot
sover
sleepwell,sometimes,whenoneistwenty-nineonthemorrow,och
andunmarried,inacommunityoch
andconnectionwheretheunmarriedaresimplythosesom
whohavefailedtogetaman.Deerwood
och
andtheStirlingshadlongsedan
sincerelegatedValancytohopelessgammal
oldmaidenhood.ButValancyherself
hade
hadneverquiterelinquishedacertainpitiful,shamed,littlehopp
hopethatRomancewouldcomeherväg
wayyet—never,untilthiswet,horriblemorning,när
whenshewakenedtothefaktum
factthatshewastwenty-nineoch
andunsoughtbyanyman.Ay,
där
therelaythesting.Valancydidnotmindso
mycket
muchbeinganoldmaid.After
allt
all,shethought,beingangammal
oldmaidcouldn’tpossiblybeasdreadfulasbeinggift
marriedtoanUncleWellingtoneller
oranUncleBenjamin,orevenen
anUncleHerbert.Whathurtherwasthatshehad
aldrig
neverhadachancetobenågot
anythingbutanoldmaid.Ingen
Nomanhadeverdesiredhenne
her.Thetearscameintohereyesasshe
låg
laytherealoneinthefaintlygreyingdarkness.Shedarednot
låta
letherselfcryashardassheville
wantedto,fortworeasons.Shewas
rädd
afraidthatcryingmightbringonanotherattackofatt
thatpainaroundtheheart.Shehadhad
en
aspellofitaftershehadgotintobed—ratherworsethannågon
anyshehadhadyet.Och
Andshewasafraidhermor
motherwouldnoticeherredeyesatbreakfastoch
andkeepatherwithminut
minute,persistent,mosquito-likequestionsregardingthecausethereof.“Suppose,”
tänkte
thoughtValancywithaghastlygrin,“Isvarade
answeredwiththeplaintruth,‘IamcryingbecauseIcannotgetmarried.’Hur
HowhorrifiedMotherwouldbe—thoughsheisashamedvarje
everydayofherlifeofhergamla
oldmaiddaughter.”Butofcourseappearances
bör
shouldbekeptup.“Itisnot,”Valancy
kunde
couldhearhermother’sprim,dictatorialvoiceasserting,“itisnotmaidenlytotänka
thinkaboutmen.”Thethoughtofhermother’sexpressionmadeValancylaugh—forshe
hade
hadasenseofhumouringen
nobodyinherclansuspected.For
som
thatmatter,therewereagoodmånga
manythingsaboutValancythatingen
nobodysuspected.Butherlaughterwas
mycket
verysuperficialandpresentlyshelåg
laythere,ahuddled,futileliten
littlefigure,listeningtotherainpouringner
downoutsideandwatching,withen
asickdistaste,thechill,mercilessljus
lightcreepingintoherugly,sordidrum
room.Sheknewtheuglinessofthat
rummet
roombyheart—knewitandhatade
hatedit.Theyellow-paintedfloor,
med
withonehideous,“hooked”rugbythesängen
bed,withagrotesque,“hooked”hund
dogonit,alwaysgrinningathernär
whensheawoke;thefaded,dark-redpaper;
theceilingdiscolouredby
gamla
oldleaksandcrossedbycracks;den
thenarrow,pinchedlittlewashstand;thebrown-paperlambrequin
med
withpurplerosesonit;thespotted
gamla
oldlooking-glasswiththecrackacrossit,proppedupontheinadequatedressing-table;thejarofancientpotpourri
gjorde
madebyhermotherinhermythicalhoneymoon;den
theshell-coveredbox,withoneburstcorner,som
whichCousinStickleshadmadeinherequallymythicalgirlhood;thebeadedpincushion
med
withhalfitsbeadfringegone;den
theonestiff,yellowchair;det
thefadedoldmotto,“Gonebutnotforgotten,”arbetade
workedincolouredyarnsaboutGreat-grand-motherStirling’sgrimgamla
oldface;theoldphotographsofancientrelatives
länge
longbanishedfromtheroomsbelow.Det
Therewereonlytwopicturessom
thatwerenotofrelatives.One,an
gammal
oldchromoofapuppysitter
sittingonarainydoorstep.Thatpicture
alltid
alwaysmadeValancyunhappy.Thatforlorn
lilla
littledogcrouchedonthedoorstepinthedrivingrain!Varför
Whydidn’tsomeoneopenthedörren
doorandlethimin?Den
Theotherpicturewasafaded,passe-partoutedengravingofQueenLouisekommer
comingdownastairway,whichAuntWellingtonhade
hadlavishlygivenheronhertenthbirthday.Fornineteenyearsshe
hade
hadlookedatitandhatat
hatedit,beautiful,smug,self-satisfiedQueenLouise.Men
Butsheneverdareddestroyiteller
orremoveit.MotherandCousinStickleswould
ha
havebeenaghast,or,asValancyirreverentlyexpresseditinherthoughts,wouldha
havehadafit.Every
rum
roominthehousewasugly,ofcourse.Men
Butdownstairsappearanceswerekeptupp
upsomewhat.Therewasno
pengar
moneyforroomsnobodyeversaw.Valancy
ibland
sometimesfeltthatshecouldha
havedonesomethingforherrum
roomherself,evenwithoutmoney,om
ifshewerepermitted.Buther
mor
motherhadnegativedeverytimidsuggestionoch
andValancydidnotpersist.Valancy
aldrig
neverpersisted.Shewasafraidto.
Her
mor
mothercouldnotbrookopposition.Mrs.Stirlingwouldsulkfordays
om
ifoffended,withtheairsofen
aninsultedduchess.TheonlythingValancy
gillade
likedaboutherroomwasthatshekunde
couldbealonethereatnatten
nighttocryifsheville
wantedto.But,afterall,whatdidit
roll
matterifaroom,whichyouusedfornågot
nothingexceptsleepinganddressingi
in,wereugly?Valancywas
aldrig
neverpermittedtostayaloneinherrum
roomforanyotherpurpose.Människor
Peoplewhowantedtobealone,soMrs.FrederickStirlingoch
andCousinSticklesbelieved,couldbara
onlywanttobealoneforsomesinisterpurpose.Men
ButherroomintheBlueCastlewasallt
everythingaroomshouldbe.Valancy,socowed
och
andsubduedandoverriddenandsnubbedinverkliga
reallife,waswonttolåta
letherselfgorathersplendidlyinherday-dreams.Ingen
NobodyintheStirlingclan,eller
oritsramifications,suspectedthis,minst
leastofallhermotheroch
andCousinStickles.Theynever
visste
knewthatValancyhadtwohomes—theuglyröda
redbrickboxofahem
home,onElmStreet,andtheBlueCastleinSpain.Valancy
hade
hadlivedspirituallyintheBlueCastleeversinceshekunde
couldremember.Shehadbeen
ett
averytinychildwhenshefann
foundherselfpossessedofit.Alltid
Always,whensheshuthereyes,shekunde
couldseeitplainly,withitsturretsoch
andbannersonthepine-cladmountainheight,wrappedinitsfaint,blueloveliness,mot
againstthesunsetskiesofett
afairandunknownland.Allt
Everythingwonderfulandbeautifulwasinthatcastle.Jewels
som
thatqueensmighthaveworn;robesofmoonlight
och
andfire;couchesofroses
och
andgold;longflightsofshallowmarblesteps,
med
withgreat,whiteurns,andmed
withslender,mist-cladmaidensgoingupp
upanddownthem;courts,marble-pillared,
där
whereshimmeringfountainsfellandnightingalessjöng
sangamongthemyrtles;hallsofmirrors
som
thatreflectedonlyhandsomeknightsoch
andlovelywomen—herselftheloveliestofalla
all,forwhoseglancemendog
died.Allthatsupportedher
genom
throughtheboredomofherdayswasthehoppet
hopeofgoingonadreamspreeatnatten
night.Most,ifnotall,oftheStirlingswould
ha
havediedofhorroriftheyhadvetat
knownhalfthethingsValancygjorde
didinherBlueCastle.Foronethingshe
hade
hadquiteafewloversinit.Oh,
bara
onlyoneatatime.En
Onewhowooedherwithalltheromanticardouroftheageofchivalryoch
andwonherafterlongdevotionoch
andmanydeedsofderring-do,och
andwasweddedtohermed
withpompandcircumstanceinthestora
great,banner-hungchapeloftheBlueCastle.Attwelve,
denna
thisloverwasafairladmed
withgoldencurlsandheavenlyblueeyes.Atfifteen,hewastall
och
anddarkandpale,butfortfarande
stillnecessarilyhandsome.Attwenty,hewasascetic,dreamy,spiritual.
Attwenty-five,he
hade
hadaclean-cutjaw,slightlygrim,och
andafacestrongandruggedratherän
thanhandsome.Valancynevergrewolder
än
thantwenty-fiveinherBlueCastle,men
butrecently—veryrecently—herherohadhadreddish,tawnyhår
hair,atwistedsmileandett
amysteriouspast.Idon’t
säger
sayValancydeliberatelymurderedtheseloversassheoutgrewdem
them.Onesimplyfadedawayasanother
kom
came.Thingsareveryconvenientin
detta
thisrespectinBlueCastles.Men
But,onthismorningofherdayoffate,Valancykunde
couldnotfindthekeyofherBlueCastle.Realitypressedonher
för
toohardly,barkingatherheelssom
likeamaddeninglittledog.Shewastwenty-nine,lonely,undesired,ill-favoured—the
enda
onlyhomelygirlinahandsomeclan,withingen
nopastandnofuture.As
långt
farasshecouldlooktillbaka
back,lifewasdrabandcolourless,withnoten
onesinglecrimsonorpurplespotanywhere.As
långt
farasshecouldlookforwarditseemedcertaintobeprecis
justthesameuntilshewasingenting
nothingbutasolitary,littlewitheredleafclingingtoawintrybough.Det
Themomentwhenawomanrealisesthatshehar
hasnothingtolivefor—neitherkärlek
love,duty,purposenorhope—holdsforherdet
thebitternessofdeath.“AndI
bara
justhavetogoonleva
livingbecauseIcan’tstop.I
kanske
mayhavetoliveeightyyears,”tänkte
thoughtValancy,inakindofpanic.“We’re
alla
allhorriblylong-lived.Itsickensmeto
tänka
thinkofit.”Shewasgladitwasraining—orrather,shewasdrearilysatisfied
att
thatitwasraining.Therewouldbe
inte
nopicnicthatday.Thisannualpicnic,wherebyAunt
och
andUncleWellington—onealwaysthoughtoftheminthatsuccession—inevitablycelebratedtheirengagementaten
apicnicthirtyyearsbefore,hade
hadbeen,oflateyears,en
averitablenightmaretoValancy.By
en
animpishcoincidenceitwasthesamma
samedayasherbirthdayoch
and,aftershehadpassedtwenty-five,ingen
nobodyletherforgetit.Mycket
Muchasshehatedgoingtothepicnic,itwouldaldrig
neverhaveoccurredtohertorebelmot
againstit.Thereseemedtobe
något
nothingoftherevolutionaryinhernature.Och
Andsheknewexactlywhateveryonewouldsäga
saytoheratthepicnic.Farbror
UncleWellington,whomshedislikedoch
anddespisedeventhoughhehade
hadfulfilledthehighestStirlingaspiration,“marryingmoney,”wouldsäga
saytoherinapig’swhisper,“Notthinkingofgettingmarriedän
yet,mydear?”andthen
gå
gooffintothebellowoflaughtermed
withwhichheinvariablyconcludedhisdullremarks.AuntWellington,ofwhomValancy
stod
stoodinabjectawe,wouldberätta
tellheraboutOlive’snewchiffondressoch
andCecil’slastdevotedletter.Valancywould
hade
havetolookaspleasedoch
andinterestedasifthedressoch
andletterhadbeenhersorelseAuntWellingtonwouldbeoffended.Och
AndValancyhadlongagodecidedatt
thatshewouldratheroffendGud
GodthanAuntWellington,becauseGud
GodmightforgiveherbutAuntWellingtonaldrig
neverwould.AuntAlberta,enormouslyfat,
med
withanamiablehabitofalltid
alwaysreferringtoherhusbandas“he,”asifhewereden
theonlymalecreatureinden
theworld,whocouldneverglömma
forgetthatshehadbeenastor
greatbeautyinheryouth,wouldcondolemed
withValancyonhersallowskin—.“Idon’t
vet
knowwhyallthegirlsofidag
todayaresosunburned.WhenIwasa
flicka
girlmyskinwasrosesoch
andcream.Iwascounted
den
theprettiestgirlinCanada,mydear.”Kanske
PerhapsUncleHerbertwouldn’tsayanything—orkanske
perhapshewouldremarkjocularly,“Howfatyou’regetting,Doss!”Och
Andtheneverybodywouldlaughoverden
theexcessivelyhumorousideaofstackars
poor,scrawnylittleDossgettingfat.Handsome,solemn
Farbror
UncleJames,whomValancydislikedmen
butrespectedbecausehewasreputedtobemycket
verycleverandwasthereforetheclanoracle—brainsbeingnoneför
tooplentifulintheStirlingconnection—wouldförmodligen
probablyremarkwiththeowl-likesarcasmthathade
hadwonhimhisreputation,“Isupposeyou’rebusymed
withyourhope-chestthesedays?”Och
AndUncleBenjaminwouldasknågra
someofhisabominableconundrums,mellan
betweenwheezychuckles,andanswerthemhimself.“Whatisthedifference
mellan
betweenDossandamouse?“Themouse
vill
wishestoharmthecheeseoch
andDosswishestocharmthehe’s.”Valancy
hade
hadheardhimaskthatriddlefiftytimesoch
andeverytimeshewantedtothrownågot
somethingathim.Butshe
aldrig
neverdid.Inthefirstplace,
det
theStirlingssimplydidnotthrowthings;in
det
thesecondplace,UncleBenjaminwasen
awealthyandchildlessoldwidoweroch
andValancyhadbeenbroughtupindet
thefearandadmonitionofhispengar
money.Ifsheoffendedhimhewould
skära
cutheroutofhiswill—supposingshewereindet
it.Valancydidnotwanttobecutoutof
Farbror
UncleBenjamin’swill.Shehadbeenpoorallher
liv
lifeandknewthegallingbitternessofit.Sosheenduredhisriddles
och
andevensmiledtorturedlittlesmilesöver
overthem.AuntIsabel,downright
och
anddisagreeableasaneastwind,wouldcriticiseherinsomeway—Valancykunde
couldnotpredictjusthow,forAuntIsabelaldrig
neverrepeatedacriticism—shefoundnågot
somethingnewwithwhichtojabyouvarje
everytime.AuntIsabelpridedherselfonsayingwhatshe
tyckte
thought,butdidn’tlikeitsobra
wellwhenotherpeoplesaidwhattheytyckte
thoughttoher.Valancynever
sa
saidwhatshethought.CousinGeorgiana—named
efter
afterhergreat-great-grand-mother,whohadbeennamedefter
afterGeorgetheFourth—wouldrecountdolorouslyden
thenamesofallrelativesoch
andfriendswhohaddiedsedan
sincethelastpicnicandwonder“whichofuskommer
willbethefirsttogå
gonext.”Oppressivelycompetent,AuntMildredwould
tala
talkendlesslyofherhusbandoch
andherodiousprodigiesofbabiestoValancy,eftersom
becauseValancywouldbetheenda
onlyoneshecouldfindtoputupmed
withit.Forthesame
anledning
reason,CousinGladys—reallyFirstCousinGladysonceremoved,accordingtodet
thestrictwayinwhichdet
theStirlingstabulatedrelationship—atall,thindam
ladywhoadmittedshehaden
asensitivedisposition,woulddescribeminutelydet
thetorturesofherneuritis.Och
AndOlive,thewondergirlofthehela
wholeStirlingclan,whohadallt
everythingValancyhadnot—beauty,popularity,love,—wouldvisa
showoffherbeautyandpresumeonherpopularityoch
andflauntherdiamondinsigniaofkärlek
loveinValancy’sdazzled,enviouseyes.Det
Therewouldbenoneofallhär
thistoday.Andtherewouldbe
inte
nopackingupofteaspoons.Thepackingupwas
alltid
alwaysleftforValancyandCousinStickles.Och
Andonce,sixyearsago,en
asilverteaspoonfromAuntWellington’sweddingsethade
hadbeenlost.Valancynever
hörde
heardthelastofthatsilverteaspoon.ItsghostappearedBanquo-likeat
varje
everysubsequentfamilyfeast.Oh,
ja
yes,Valancyknewexactlywhatthepicnicwouldbelikeoch
andsheblessedtherainthathade
hadsavedherfromit.Det
Therewouldbenopicnicthisår
year.IfAuntWellingtoncouldnotcelebrateon
den
thesacreddayitselfshewouldha
havenocelebrationatall.Tack
Thankwhatevergodstherewereforthat.Eftersom
Sincetherewouldbenopicnic,Valancymadeupp
uphermindthat,iftherainhöll
heldupintheafternoon,shewouldgå
gouptothelibraryoch
andgetanotherofJohnFoster’sbooks.Valancywas
aldrig
neverallowedtoreadnovels,men
butJohnFoster’sbookswerenotnovels.Theywere“naturebooks”—sothelibrarian
berättade
toldMrs.FrederickStirling—“allaboutthewoodsoch
andbirdsandbugsandthingslikethat,youknow.”SoValancywasallowedto
läsa
readthem—underprotest,foritwasonlytooevidentthatsheenjoyedthemtoomycket
much.Itwaspermissible,evenlaudable,to
läsa
readtoimproveyourmindoch
andyourreligion,butabok
bookthatwasenjoyablewasdangerous.Valancydidnot
visste
knowwhetherhermindwasbeingimprovedeller
ornot;butshefeltvaguely
att
thatifshehadcomeacrossJohnFoster’sbooksyearssedan
agolifemighthavebeenaannorlunda
differentthingforher.Theyseemedtohertoyieldglimpsesof
en
aworldintowhichshekanske
mightoncehaveentered,thoughthedörren
doorwasforeverbarredtohernu
now.Itwasonlywithinthe
senaste
lastyearthatJohnFoster’sbookshade
hadbeenintheDeerwoodlibrary,thoughthelibrarianberättade
toldValancythathehadbeenen
awell-knownwriterforseveralyears.“Wheredoeshelive?”
Valancy
hade
hadasked.“Nobodyknows.
Fromhisbookshe
måste
mustbeaCanadian,butingen
nomoreinformationcanbemåste
had.Hispublisherswon’tsay
ett
aword.QuitelikelyJohnFosteris
en
anomdeplume.Hisbooksaresopopularwecan’t
behålla
keeptheminatall,thoughIverkligen
reallycan’tseewhatpeoplehittar
findinthemtoraveover.”“I
tycker
thinkthey’rewonderful,”saidValancy,timidly.“Oh—well—”
Miss
MissClarksonsmiledinapatronisingfashionthatrelegatedValancy’sopinionstolimbo,“Ican’tsäga
sayIcaremuchforbugsmyself.Men
ButcertainlyFosterseemstoveta
knowallthereistoveta
knowaboutthem.”Valancydidn’t
visste
knowwhethershecaredmuchforbugsheller
either.ItwasnotJohnFoster’suncannyknowledgeofwildcreatures
och
andinsectlifethatenthralledhenne
her.Shecouldhardlysaywhatitwas—sometantalisinglureofamystery
aldrig
neverrevealed—somehintofastor
greatsecretjustalittlefurtheron—somefaint,elusiveechooflovely,forgottenthings—JohnFoster’smagicwasindefinable.Ja
Yes,shewouldgetany
newFosterbook.Itwas
en
amonthsinceshehadThistleHarvest,sosurelyMamma
Mothercouldnotobject.Valancy
hade
hadreaditfourtimes—shekände
knewwholepassagesoffbyheart.And—she
nästan
almostthoughtshewouldgooch
andseeDr.Trentaboutatt
thatqueerpainaroundthehjärtat
heart.Ithadcomeratheroftenlately,
och
andthepalpitationswerebecomingannoying,nottotala
speakofanoccasionaldizzyögonblick
momentandaqueershortnessofbreath.But
kunde
couldshegotoseehimwithoutberätta
tellinganyone?Itwas
en
amostdaringthought.NoneoftheStirlingseverconsulteda
läkare
doctorwithoutholdingafamilycounciloch
andgettingUncleJames’approval.Then,they
gick
wenttoDr.AmbroseMarshofPortLawrence,som
whohadmarriedSecondCousinAdelaideStirling.Men
ButValancydislikedDr.AmbroseMarsh.And,besides,she
kunde
couldnotgettoPortLawrence,fifteenmilesbort
away,withoutbeingtakenthere.Shedidnot
ville
wantanyonetoknowaboutherhjärta
heart.Therewouldbesuchafussmade
och
andeverymemberofthefamilykomma
wouldcomedownandtalkitoveroch
andadviseherandcautionheroch
andwarnherandtellherhorribletalesofgreat-auntsoch
andcousinsfortytimesremovedwhohade
hadbeen“justlikethat”och
and“droppeddeadwithoutamoment’swarning,mydear.”AuntIsabel
komma
wouldrememberthatshehadalltid
alwayssaidDosslookedlikeen
agirlwhowouldhavehearttrouble—“sopinchedoch
andpeakedalways”;andUncleWellingtonwould
ta
takeitasapersonalinsult,när
when“noStirlingeverhadheartdiseasebefore”;och
andGeorgianawouldforebodeinperfectlyaudibleasidesatt
that“poor,dearlittleDossisn’tlång
longforthisworld,I’mafraid”;och
andCousinGladyswouldsay,“Why,myhjärta
hearthasbeenlikethatforyears,”inatonethatimpliedingen
nooneelsehadanybusinessens
eventohaveaheart;och
andOlive—Olivewouldmerelylookvacker
beautifulandsuperioranddisgustinglyhealthy,asom
iftosay,“Whyallhär
thisfussoverafadedsuperfluitylikeDossnär
whenyouhaveme?”Valancy
kände
feltthatshecouldn’ttellnågon
anybodyunlessshehadto.She
kände
feltquitesuretherewasnågot
nothingatallseriouslywrongmed
withherheartandnobehov
needofallthepotherthatwouldensueom
ifshementionedit.Shewould
bara
justslipupquietlyandse
seeDr.Trentthatverydag
day.Asforhisbill,she
hade
hadthetwohundreddollarsthatherfar
fatherhadputinthebankforherthedag
dayshewasborn.Shewas
aldrig
neverallowedtouseevendet
theinterestofthis,butshewouldsecretlytog
takeoutenoughtopayDr.Trent.Dr.
Trentwas
en
agruff,outspoken,absent-mindedoldfellow,men
buthewasarecognisedauthorityonheartdisease,även
evenifhewereonlyen
ageneralpractitionerinout-of-the-worldDeerwood.Dr.Trentwas
över
overseventyandtherehadbeenrumoursthathemeanttoretiresnart
soon.NoneoftheStirlingclan
hade
hadevergonetohimsedan
sincehehadtoldCousinGladys,tio
tenyearsbefore,thatherneuritiswasallimaginaryoch
andthatsheenjoyedit.Youcouldn’tpatronise
en
adoctorwhoinsultedyourfirst-cousin-once-removedlikethat—nottomentionthathewasen
aPresbyterianwhenalltheStirlingsgick
wenttotheAnglicanchurch.CHAPTERII
När
WhenCousinSticklesknockedatherdörr
door,Valancyknewitwashalf-pastsevenoch
andshemustgetup.As
länge
longasshecouldremember,CousinStickleshade
hadknockedatherdoorathalf-pastseven.CousinStickles
och
andMrs.FrederickStirlinghadbeenupsedan
sinceseven,butValancywasallowedtoligga
lieabedhalfanhourlongerbecauseofafamilytraditionthatshewasdelicate.Valancygot
upp
up,thoughshehatedgettingupp
upmorethismorningthanevershehadbefore.