I
Iamasickman....
Iamaspitefulman.
Iamanunattractiveman.
Ibelievemy
hígado
liverisdiseased.However,Iknownothingatallaboutmydisease,anddonotknowforcertainwhatailsme.
Idon’t
consulto
consultadoctorforit,andneverhave,thoughIhavearespectformedicineanddoctors.Besides,Iamextremely
supersticioso
superstitious,sufficientlysotorespectmedicine,anyway(Iamwell-educatedenoughnottobesupersticioso
superstitious,butIamsuperstitious).No,Irefuseto
consultar
consultadoctorfromspite.Thatyouprobablywillnotunderstand.
Well,Iunderstandit,though.
Ofcourse,Ican’texplainwhoitis
precisamente
preciselythatIammortifyinginthiscasebymyrencor
spite:IamperfectlywellawarethatIcannot“payout”thedoctorsbynotconsultingthem;
IknowbetterthananyonethatbyallthisIamonly
lastimando
injuringmyselfandnooneelse.Butstill,ifIdon’t
consulto
consultadoctoritisfromrencor
spite.Myliverisbad,well—letitgetworse!
Ihavebeengoingonlikethatforalongtime—twentyyears.
NowIamforty.
Iusedtobeinthegovernmentservice,butamnolonger.
Iwasaspitefulofficial.
Iwasrudeandtookpleasureinbeingso.
Ididnottakebribes,yousee,soIwasboundtofindarecompenseinthat,atleast.
(Apoorjest,butIwillnotscratchitout.
Iwroteitthinkingitwouldsoundverywitty;
butnowthatIhaveseenmyselfthatIonlywantedtoshowoffina
despreciable
despicableway,Iwillnotscratchitoutonpurpose!)WhenpetitionersusedtocomeforinformationtothetableatwhichIsat,Iusedtogrindmyteethatthem,andfelt
intenso
intenseenjoymentwhenIsucceededinmakinganybodyunhappy.Ialmostdidsucceed.
Forthemostparttheywerealltimidpeople—ofcourse,theywerepetitioners.
ButoftheuppishonestherewasoneofficerinparticularIcouldnot
soportar
endure.Hesimplywouldnotbe
humilde
humble,andclankedhisswordinadisgustingway.Icarriedonafeudwithhimforeighteenmonthsoverthatsword.
AtlastIgotthebetterofhim.
Heleftoffclankingit.
Thathappenedinmyyouth,though.
Butdoyouknow,gentlemen,whatwasthechiefpointaboutmy
rencor
spite?Why,thewholepoint,therealstingofitlayinthefactthat
continuamente
continually,eveninthemomentoftheacutestbazo
spleen,IwasinwardlyconsciouswithshamethatIwasnotonlynotaspitefulbutnotevenanembitteredman,thatIwassimplyscaringsparrowsatrandomandamusingmyselfbyit.Imight
espuma
foamatthemouth,butbringmeadolltoplaywith,givemeacupofteawithsugarinit,andmaybeIshouldbeappeased.Imightevenbe
genuinamente
genuinelytouched,thoughprobablyIshouldgrindmyteethatmyselfafterwardsandlieawakeatnightwithshameformonthsafter.Thatwasmyway.
IwaslyingwhenIsaidjustnowthatIwasaspitefulofficial.
Iwaslyingfrom
rencor
spite.Iwassimplyamusingmyselfwiththepetitionersandwiththeofficer,andinrealityInevercouldbecomespiteful.
Iwas
consciente
consciouseverymomentinmyselfofmany,verymanyelementsabsolutelyoppositetothat.Ifeltthem
positivamente
positivelyswarminginme,theseoppositeelements.Iknewthattheyhadbeenswarminginmeallmylifeand
anhelando
cravingsomeoutletfromme,butIwouldnotletthem,wouldnotletthem,a propósito
purposelywouldnotletthemcomeout.TheytormentedmetillIwasashamed:
theydrovemetoconvulsionsand—sickenedme,atlast,howtheysickenedme!
Now,arenotyoufancying,gentlemen,thatIamexpressing
remordimiento
remorseforsomethingnow,thatIamaskingyourperdón
forgivenessforsomething?Iamsureyouarefancyingthat...
However,I
aseguro
assureyouIdonotcareifyouare....ItwasnotonlythatIcouldnotbecomespiteful,Ididnotknowhowtobecomeanything;
neitherspitefulnorkind,neithera
sinvergüenza
rascalnoranhonestman,neitheraheronoraninsecto
insect.Now,Iamlivingoutmylifeinmycorner,tauntingmyselfwiththespitefulanduseless
consuelo
consolationthatanintelligentmancannotbecomeanythingseriously,anditisonlythefoolwhobecomesanything.Yes,amaninthenineteenthcenturymustand
moralmente
morallyoughttobepre-eminentlyacharacterlesscreature;amanofcharacter,an
activo
activemanispre-eminentlyalimitedcreature.Thatismy
convicción
convictionoffortyyears.Iamfortyyearsoldnow,andyouknowfortyyearsisawholelifetime;
youknowitisextremeoldage.
Tolivelongerthanfortyyearsisbadmanners,is
vulgar
vulgar,immoral.Whodoeslivebeyondforty?
Answerthat,sincerelyandhonestlyIwilltellyouwhodo:
foolsandworthlessfellows.
Itellalloldmenthattotheirface,allthesevenerableoldmen,allthesesilver-hairedandreverendseniors!
Itellthewholeworldthattoitsface!
Ihavearighttosayso,forIshallgoonlivingtosixtymyself.
Toseventy!
Toeighty!
Stay,letmetakebreath...
Youimaginenodoubt,gentlemen,thatIwanttoamuseyou.
Youaremistakeninthat,too.
Iambynomeanssuchamirthfulpersonasyouimagine,orasyoumayimagine;
however,
irritado
irritatedbyallthisbabble(andIfeelthatyouareirritado
irritated)youthinkfittoaskmewhoIam—thenmyansweris,Iamacollegiateassessor.IwasintheservicethatImighthavesomethingtoeat(andsolelyforthatreason),andwhenlastyearadistantrelationleftmesixthousandroublesinhiswillIimmediately
retiré
retiredfromtheserviceandsettleddowninmycorner.Iusedtoliveinthiscornerbefore,butnowIhavesettleddowninit.
Myroomisawretched,
horrible
horridoneintheoutskirtsofthetown.Myservantisanoldcountry-woman,ill-naturedfrom
estupidez
stupidity,and,moreover,thereisalwaysanastysmellabouther.IamtoldthatthePetersburg
clima
climateisbadforme,andthatwithmysmallmeansitisveryexpensivetoliveinPetersburg.Iknowallthatbetterthanallthesesageandexperiencedcounsellorsandmonitors....
ButIamremaininginPetersburg;
IamnotgoingawayfromPetersburg!
Iamnotgoingawaybecause...
ech!
Why,itisabsolutelynomatterwhetherIamgoingawayornotgoingaway.
Butwhatcanadecentmanspeakofwithmostpleasure?
Answer:
Ofhimself.
II
Iwantnowtotellyou,gentlemen,whetheryoucaretohearitornot,whyIcouldnotevenbecomean
insecto
insect.Itellyousolemnly,thatIhavemanytimestriedtobecomean
insecto
insect.ButIwasnotequaleventothat.
Iswear,gentlemen,thattobetoo
consciente
consciousisanillness—arealthorough-goingenfermedad
illness.Forman’severydayneeds,itwouldhavebeenquiteenoughtohavetheordinaryhuman
conciencia
consciousness,thatis,halforaquarteroftheamountwhichfallstothelotofacultivado
cultivatedmanofourunhappynineteenthcentury,especiallyonewhohasthefatal
fatalill-lucktoinhabitPetersburg,themosttheoreticalandintencional
intentionaltownonthewholeterrestrialglobo
globe.(Thereareintentionalandunintentionaltowns.)
Itwouldhavebeenquiteenough,for
ejemplo
instance,tohavetheconsciousnessbywhichallso-calleddirectpersonsandmenofactionlive.IbetyouthinkIamwritingallthisfromaffectation,tobewittyatthe
expensas
expenseofmenofaction;andwhatismore,thatfromill-bredaffectation,Iamclankingaswordlikemyofficer.
But,gentlemen,whoevercanpridehimselfonhisdiseasesandevenswaggeroverthem?
Though,afterall,everyonedoesdothat;
peopledopridethemselvesontheirdiseases,andIdo,maybe,morethananyone.
Wewillnot
disputaremos
disputeit;mycontentionwasabsurd.
ButyetIamfirmly
convencido
persuadedthatagreatdealofconciencia
consciousness,everysortofconsciousness,infact,isadisease.Isticktothat.
Letusleavethat,too,foraminute.
Tellmethis:
whydoesithappenthatatthevery,yes,attheverymomentswhenIammostcapableoffeelingeveryrefinementofallthatis“sublimeandbeautiful,”astheyusedtosayatonetime,itwould,asthoughofdesign,happentomenotonlytofeelbuttodosuchuglythings,suchthat...
Well,inshort,actionsthatall,perhaps,commit;
butwhich,asthough
a propósito
purposely,occurredtomeattheverytimewhenIwasmostconsciente
consciousthattheyoughtnottobecommitted.Themore
consciente
consciousIwasofgoodnessandofallthatwas“sublimeandbeautiful,”themoredeeplyIhundía
sankintomymireandthemorereadyIwastohundía
sinkinitaltogether.Butthechiefpointwasthatallthiswas,asitwere,not
accidental
accidentalinme,butasthoughitwereboundtobeso.Itwasasthoughitweremymostnormalcondition,andnotintheleastdiseaseordepravity,sothatatlastalldesireinmetostruggleagainstthisdepravitypassed.
Itendedbymyalmostbelieving(perhapsactuallybelieving)thatthiswasperhapsmynormalcondition.
Butatfirst,inthebeginning,whatagoniesI
soporté
enduredinthatstruggle!Ididnotbelieveitwasthesamewithotherpeople,andallmylifeIhidthisfactaboutmyselfasasecret.
Iwasashamed(evennow,perhaps,Iamashamed):
Igottothepointoffeelingasortofsecret
anormal
abnormal,despicableenjoymentinreturninghometomycorneronsomedisgustingPetersburgnight,acutelyconsciente
consciousthatthatdayIhadcommittedaloathsomeactionagain,thatwhatwasdonecouldneverbedeshecho
undone,andsecretly,inwardlygnawing,gnawingatmyselfforit,tearingandconsumir
consumingmyselftillatlasttheamargura
bitternessturnedintoasortofshamefulaccurseddulzura
sweetness,andatlast—intopositiverealdisfrute
enjoyment!Yes,intoenjoyment,into
disfrute
enjoyment!Iinsistuponthat.
IhavespokenofthisbecauseIkeepwantingtoknowforafactwhetherotherpeoplefeelsuch
disfrute
enjoyment?Iwillexplain;
the
disfrute
enjoymentwasjustfromthetoointenseconciencia
consciousnessofone’sowndegradation;itwasfromfeelingoneselfthatonehadreachedthelast
barrera
barrier,thatitwashorrible,butthatitcouldnotbeotherwise;thattherewasnoescapeforyou;
thatyounevercouldbecomeadifferentman;
thateveniftimeandfaithwerestillleftyoutochangeintosomethingdifferentyouwouldmostlikelynotwishtochange;
orifyoudidwishto,eventhenyouwoulddonothing;
becauseperhapsinrealitytherewasnothingforyoutochangeinto.
Andtheworstofitwas,andthe
raíz
rootofitall,thatitwasallinaccordwiththenormalfundamentallawsofover-acuteconciencia
consciousness,andwiththeinertiathatwasthedirectresultofthoselaws,andthatconsequentlyonewasnotonlyincapaz
unabletochangebutcoulddoabsolutelynothing.Thusitwouldfollow,astheresultof
aguda
acuteconsciousness,thatoneisnottoblameinbeingasinvergüenza
scoundrel;asthoughthatwereany
consuelo
consolationtothescoundreloncehehascometorealisethatheactuallyisasinvergüenza
scoundrel.Butenough....
Ech,Ihavetalkedalotofnonsense,butwhathaveIexplained?
Howis
goce
enjoymentinthistobeexplained?ButIwillexplainit.
Iwillgettothebottomofit!
ThatiswhyIhavetakenupmypen....
I,for
ejemplo
instance,haveagreatdealofamourpropre.Iamassuspiciousand
propenso
pronetotakeoffenceasahumpbackoraenano
dwarf.ButuponmywordIsometimeshavehadmomentswhenifIhadhappenedtobeslappedinthefaceIshould,perhaps,havebeen
positivamente
positivelygladofit.Isay,in
serio
earnest,thatIshouldprobablyhavebeenabletodescubrir
discovereveninthatapeculiar
peculiarsortofenjoyment—theenjoyment,ofcourse,ofdesesperación
despair;butindespairtherearethemostintenseenjoyments,especiallywhenoneisveryacutely
consciente
consciousofthehopelessnessofone’sposition.Andwhenoneisslappedintheface—whythenthe
conciencia
consciousnessofbeingrubbedintoapulpa
pulpwouldpositivelyoverwhelmone.Theworstofitis,lookatitwhichwayonewill,itstillturnsoutthatIwasalwaysthemosttoblameineverything.
Andwhatismosthumiliatingofall,toblamefornofaultofmyownbut,sotosay,throughthelawsofnature.
Inthefirstplace,toblamebecauseIamclevererthananyofthepeople
rodean
surroundingme.(Ihavealwaysconsideredmyselfclevererthananyofthepeople
rodean
surroundingme,andsometimes,wouldyoubelieveit,havebeenpositivamente
positivelyashamedofit.Atanyrate,Ihaveallmylife,asitwere,turnedmyeyesawayandnevercouldlookpeoplestraightintheface.)
Toblame,finally,becauseevenifIhadhadmagnanimity,Ishouldonlyhavehadmoresufferingfromthesenseofitsuselessness.
Ishouldcertainlyhaveneverbeenabletodoanythingfrombeingmagnanimous—neithertoforgive,formyassailantwouldperhapshave
abofeteado
slappedmefromthelawsofnature,andonecannotforgivethelawsofnature;nortoforget,forevenifitwereowingtothelawsofnature,itis
insulto
insultingallthesame.Finally,evenifIhadwantedtobeanythingbutmagnanimous,haddesiredonthecontrarytorevengemyselfonmyassailant,IcouldnothaverevengedmyselfonanyoneforanythingbecauseIshouldcertainlyneverhavemadeupmymindtodoanything,evenifIhadbeenableto.
WhyshouldInothavemadeupmymind?
III
Withpeoplewhoknowhowtorevengethemselvesandtostandupforthemselvesingeneral,howisitdone?
Why,whentheyarepossessed,letussuppose,bythefeelingofrevenge,thenforthetimethereisnothingelsebutthatfeelingleftintheirwholebeing.
Suchagentlemansimplydashesstraightforhisobjectlikeaninfuriatedbullwithitshornsdown,andnothingbutawallwillstophim.
(Bytheway:
facingthewall,suchgentlemen—thatis,the“direct”personsandmenofaction—are
genuinamente
genuinelynonplussed.Forthemawallisnotanevasion,asforuspeoplewhothinkandconsequentlydonothing;
itisnotanexcuseforturningaside,anexcuseforwhichwearealwaysveryglad,thoughwescarcelybelieveinitourselves,asarule.
No,theyarenonplussedinall
sinceridad
sincerity.Thewallhasforthemsomethingtranquillising,
moralmente
morallysoothing,final—maybeevensomethingmisterioso
mysterious...butofthewalllater.)
Well,suchadirectpersonIregardastherealnormalman,ashistendermothernaturewishedtoseehimwhenshegraciouslybroughthimintobeingontheearth.
I
envidio
envysuchamantillIamgreenintheface.Heisstupid.
Iamnot
disputando
disputingthat,butperhapsthenormalmanshouldbestupid,howdoyouknow?Perhapsitisverybeautiful,infact.
AndIamthemore
convencido
persuadedofthatsuspicion,ifonecancallitso,bythefactthatifyoutake,forejemplo
instance,theantithesisofthenormalman,thatis,themanofaguda
acuteconsciousness,whohascome,ofcourse,notoutoftheregazo
lapofnaturebutoutofaretort(thisisalmostmysticism,gentlemen,butIsuspectthis,too),thisretort-mademanissometimessononplussedinthepresenceofhisantithesisthatwithallhisexaggeratedconciencia
consciousnesshegenuinelythinksofhimselfasamouseandnotaman.Itmaybeanacutely
consciente
consciousmouse,yetitisamouse,whiletheotherisaman,andtherefore,etcaetera,etcaetera.Andtheworstofitis,hehimself,hisveryownself,looksonhimselfasamouse;
nooneaskshimtodoso;
andthatisanimportantpoint.
Nowletuslookatthismouseinaction.
Letussuppose,for
ejemplo
instance,thatitfeelsinsulted,too(anditalmostalwaysdoesfeelinsultado
insulted),andwantstorevengeitself,too.Theremayevenbeagreateraccumulationof
rencor
spiteinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.Thebaseandnastydesireto
ventilar
ventthatspiteonitsassailantranklesperhapsevenmorenastilyinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.Forthroughhisinnate
estupidez
stupiditythelatterlooksuponhisrevengeasjusticepureandsimple;whilein
consecuencia
consequenceofhisacuteconsciousnessthemousedoesnotbelieveinthejusticeofit.Tocomeatlasttothedeeditself,totheveryactofrevenge.
Apartfromtheone
fundamental
fundamentalnastinessthelucklessmousesucceedsincreatingarounditsomanyothernastinessesintheformofdoubtsandquestions,addstotheonequestionsomanyunsettledquestionsthatthereinevitablemente
inevitablyworksuparounditasortoffatal
fatalbrew,astinkingmess,madeupofitsdoubts,emotions,andofthedesprecio
contemptspatuponitbythedirectmenofactionwhostandsolemnemente
solemnlyaboutitasjudgesandarbitrators,laughingatittilltheirhealthysidesduelen
ache.Ofcoursetheonlythingleftforitisto
desestimar
dismissallthatwithawaveofitspaw,and,withasmileofassumeddesprecio
contemptinwhichitdoesnotevenitselfbelieve,arrastrarse
creepignominiouslyintoitsmouse-hole.Thereinitsnasty,stinking,
subterráneo
undergroundhomeourinsulted,crushedandridiculizado
ridiculedmousepromptlybecomesabsorbedincold,malignantand,aboveall,eterno
everlastingspite.Forfortyyearstogetheritwillrememberitsinjurydowntothesmallest,mostignominiousdetails,andeverytimewilladd,ofitself,detailsstillmoreignominious,spitefully
burlándose
teasingandtormentingitselfwithitsownimagination.Itwillitselfbeashamedofitsimaginings,butyetitwill
recordará
recallitall,itwillgooverandovereverydetalle
detail,itwillinventunheardofthingsagainstitself,pretendingthatthosethingsmighthappen,andwillforgivenothing.Maybeitwillbegintorevengeitself,too,but,asitwere,piecemeal,in
trivial
trivialways,frombehindtheestufa
stove,incognito,withoutbelievingeitherinitsownrighttovengeance,orinthesuccessofitsrevenge,knowingthatfromallitseffortsatrevengeitwillsufferahundredtimesmorethanheonwhomitrevengesitself,whilehe,Idaresay,willnotevenscratchhimself.Onitsdeathbeditwill
recordará
recallitalloveragain,withinterestaccumulatedoveralltheyearsand...Butitisjustinthatcold,
abominable
abominablehalfdespair,halfbelief,inthatconsciente
consciousburyingoneselfalivefordolor
griefintheunderworldforfortyyears,inthatacutelyrecognisedandyeten parte
partlydoubtfulhopelessnessofone’sposition,inthathellofunsatisfieddesiresturnedinward,inthatfeverofoscillations,ofresolutionsdeterminedforeverandrepentedofagainaminutelater—thatthesavourofthatstrangedisfrute
enjoymentofwhichIhavespokenlies.Itisso
sutil
subtle,sodifficultofanalysis,thatpersonswhoarealittlelimited,orevensimplypersonsofstrongnerves,willnotunderstandasingleátomo
atomofit.“Possibly,”youwilladdonyourownaccountwitha
sonrisa
grin,“peoplewillnotunderstanditeitherwhohaveneverreceivedabofetada
slapintheface,”andinthatwayyouwilleducadamente
politelyhinttomethatI,too,perhaps,havehadtheexperienceofabofetada
slapinthefaceinmylife,andsoIspeakasonewhoknows.Ibetthatyouarethinkingthat.
Butsetyourmindsatrest,gentlemen,Ihavenotreceiveda
bofetada
slapintheface,thoughitisabsolutelyamatterofindiferencia
indifferencetomewhatyoumaythinkaboutit.Possibly,Ievenregret,myself,thatIhavegivensofewslapsinthefaceduringmylife.
Butenough...
notanotherwordonthatsubjectofsuch
extremo
extremeinteresttoyou.Iwillcontinue
calma
calmlyconcerningpersonswithstrongnerveswhodonotunderstandacertainrefinementofdisfrute
enjoyment.Thoughincertaincircumstancesthesegentlemenbellowtheirloudestlikebulls,thoughthis,letussuppose,doesthemthegreatestcredit,yet,asIhavesaidalready,confrontedwiththeimpossibletheysubsideatonce.
Theimpossiblemeansthestonewall!
Whatstonewall?
Why,ofcourse,thelawsofnature,thedeductionsofnaturalscience,mathematics.