I
Iamasickman....
Iamaspitefulman.
Iamanunattractiveman.
Ibelievemyliverisdiseased.
However,Iknownothingatallaboutmydisease,anddonotknowforcertainwhatailsme.
Idon’tconsultadoctorforit,andneverhave,thoughIhavea
respeto
respectformedicineanddoctors.Besides,Iamextremelysuperstitious,sufficientlysoto
respetar
respectmedicine,anyway(Iamwell-educatedenoughnottobesuperstitious,butIamsuperstitious).No,Irefusetoconsultadoctorfromspite.
Thatyouprobablywillnotunderstand.
Well,Iunderstandit,though.
Ofcourse,Ican’t
explicar
explainwhoitispreciselythatIammortifyinginthiscasebymyspite:IamperfectlywellawarethatIcannot“payout”thedoctorsbynotconsultingthem;
IknowbetterthananyonethatbyallthisIamonlyinjuringmyselfandnooneelse.
Butstill,ifIdon’tconsultadoctoritisfromspite.
Myliverisbad,well—letitgetworse!
Ihavebeengoingonlikethatforalongtime—twentyyears.
NowIamforty.
Iusedtobeinthe
gobierno
governmentservice,butamnolonger.Iwasaspitefulofficial.
Iwasrudeandtookpleasureinbeingso.
Ididnottakebribes,yousee,soIwasboundtofindarecompenseinthat,atleast.
(Apoorjest,butIwillnotscratchitout.
Iwroteitthinkingitwouldsoundverywitty;
butnowthatIhaveseenmyselfthatIonlywantedtoshowoffinadespicableway,Iwillnotscratchitoutonpurpose!)
Whenpetitionersusedtocomefor
información
informationtothetableatwhichIsat,Iusedtogrindmyteethatthem,andfeltintenseenjoymentwhenIsucceededinmakinganybodyunhappy.Ialmostdidsucceed.
Forthemostparttheywerealltimidpeople—ofcourse,theywerepetitioners.
Butoftheuppishonestherewasone
oficial
officerinparticularIcouldnotendure.Hesimplywouldnotbehumble,andclankedhisswordinadisgustingway.
Icarriedonafeudwithhimforeighteenmonthsoverthatsword.
AtlastIgotthebetterofhim.
Heleftoffclankingit.
Thathappenedinmyyouth,though.
Butdoyouknow,gentlemen,whatwasthe
principal
chiefpointaboutmyspite?Why,thewholepoint,therealstingofitlayinthefactthatcontinually,eveninthemomentoftheacutestspleen,Iwasinwardlyconsciouswith
vergüenza
shamethatIwasnotonlynotaspitefulbutnotevenanembitteredman,thatIwassimplyscaringsparrowsatrandomandamusingmyselfbyit.Imightfoamatthe
boca
mouth,butbringmeadolltoplaywith,givemeataza
cupofteawithsugarinit,andmaybeIshouldbeappeased.Imightevenbegenuinelytouched,thoughprobablyIshouldgrindmyteethatmyselfafterwardsandlieawakeatnightwith
vergüenza
shameformonthsafter.Thatwasmyway.
IwaslyingwhenIsaidjustnowthatIwasaspitefulofficial.
Iwaslyingfromspite.
Iwassimplyamusingmyselfwiththepetitionersandwiththe
oficial
officer,andinrealityInevercouldbecomespiteful.Iwasconsciouseverymomentinmyselfofmany,verymanyelementsabsolutelyoppositetothat.
Ifeltthempositivelyswarminginme,theseoppositeelements.
Iknewthattheyhadbeenswarminginmeallmylifeandcravingsomeoutletfromme,butIwouldnotletthem,wouldnotletthem,purposelywouldnotletthemcomeout.
TheytormentedmetillIwasashamed:
theydrovemetoconvulsionsand—sickenedme,atlast,howtheysickenedme!
Now,arenotyoufancying,gentlemen,thatIamexpressingremorseforsomethingnow,thatIamaskingyourforgivenessforsomething?
Iamsureyouarefancyingthat...
However,IassureyouIdonotcareifyouare....
ItwasnotonlythatIcouldnotbecomespiteful,Ididnotknowhowtobecomeanything;
neitherspitefulnorkind,neitherarascalnoran
honesto
honestman,neitheraheronoraninsect.Now,Iamlivingoutmylifeinmycorner,tauntingmyselfwiththespitefulanduselessconsolationthatanintelligentmancannotbecomeanything
en serio
seriously,anditisonlythefoolwhobecomesanything.Yes,amaninthenineteenthcenturymustandmorallyoughttobepre-eminentlyacharacterlesscreature;
amanofcharacter,anactivemanispre-eminentlyalimitedcreature.
Thatismyconvictionoffortyyears.
Iamfortyyearsoldnow,andyouknowfortyyearsisawholelifetime;
youknowitisextremeoldage.
Tolivelongerthanfortyyearsisbadmanners,isvulgar,immoral.
Whodoeslivebeyondforty?
Answerthat,sincerelyandhonestlyIwilltellyouwhodo:
foolsandworthlessfellows.
Itellalloldmenthattotheirface,allthesevenerableoldmen,allthesesilver-hairedandreverendseniors!
Itellthewholeworldthattoitsface!
Ihavearighttosayso,forIshallgoonlivingtosixtymyself.
Toseventy!
Toeighty!
Stay,letmetakebreath...
Youimagineno
duda
doubt,gentlemen,thatIwanttoamuseyou.Youaremistakeninthat,too.
Iambynomeanssuchamirthfulpersonasyou
imaginar
imagine,orasyoumayimaginar
imagine;however,irritatedbyallthisbabble(andIfeelthatyouareirritated)youthinkfittoaskmewhoIam—thenmyansweris,Iamacollegiateassessor.
Iwasinthe
servicio
servicethatImighthavesomethingtoeat(andsolelyforthatreason),andwhenlastyearadistantrelationleftmesixmil
thousandroublesinhiswillIinmediatamente
immediatelyretiredfromtheserviceandsettleddowninmycorner.Iusedtoliveinthiscornerbefore,butnowIhavesettleddowninit.
Myroomisawretched,horridoneintheoutskirtsofthetown.
Myservantisanoldcountry-woman,ill-naturedfromstupidity,and,moreover,thereisalwaysanasty
olor
smellabouther.IamtoldthatthePetersburgclimateisbadforme,andthatwithmysmallmeansitisveryexpensivetoliveinPetersburg.
Iknowallthatbetterthanallthesesageandexperiencedcounsellorsandmonitors....
ButIamremaininginPetersburg;
IamnotgoingawayfromPetersburg!
Iamnotgoingawaybecause...
ech!
Why,itisabsolutelynomatter
si
whetherIamgoingawayornotgoingaway.Butwhatcanadecentmanspeakofwithmost
placer
pleasure?Answer:
Ofhimself.
II
Iwantnowtotellyou,gentlemen,whetheryoucaretohearitornot,whyIcouldnotevenbecomeaninsect.
Itellyousolemnly,thatIhavemanytimestriedtobecomeaninsect.
ButIwasnotequaleventothat.
I
juro
swear,gentlemen,thattobetooconsciousisanillness—arealthorough-goingillness.Forman’severydayneeds,itwouldhavebeenquiteenoughtohavetheordinaryhumanconsciousness,thatis,halforaquarteroftheamountwhichfallstothelotofacultivatedmanofourunhappynineteenthcentury,
especialmente
especiallyonewhohasthefatalill-lucktoinhabitPetersburg,themosttheoreticalandintentionaltownonthewholeterrestrialglobe.(Thereareintentionalandunintentionaltowns.)
Itwouldhavebeenquiteenough,forinstance,tohavetheconsciousnessbywhichallso-calleddirectpersonsandmenof
acción
actionlive.IbetyouthinkIamwritingallthisfromaffectation,tobewittyattheexpenseofmenof
acción
action;andwhatismore,thatfromill-bredaffectation,Iamclankingaswordlikemy
oficial
officer.But,gentlemen,whoevercanpridehimselfonhisdiseasesandevenswaggeroverthem?
Though,afterall,everyonedoesdothat;
peopledopridethemselvesontheirdiseases,andIdo,maybe,morethananyone.
Wewillnotdisputeit;
mycontentionwasabsurd.
ButyetIamfirmlypersuadedthatagreatdealofconsciousness,everysortofconsciousness,infact,isadisease.
Isticktothat.
Letusleavethat,too,foraminute.
Tellmethis:
whydoesithappenthatatthevery,yes,attheverymomentswhenIammostcapableoffeelingeveryrefinementofallthatis“sublimeandbeautiful,”astheyusedtosayatonetime,itwould,asthoughofdesign,happentomenotonlytofeelbuttodosuchuglythings,suchthat...
Well,inshort,actionsthatall,perhaps,commit;
butwhich,asthoughpurposely,occurredtomeattheverytimewhenIwasmostconsciousthattheyoughtnottobecommitted.
ThemoreconsciousIwasofgoodnessandofallthatwas“sublimeandbeautiful,”themoredeeplyIsankintomymireandthemorereadyIwastosinkinitaltogether.
Butthe
principal
chiefpointwasthatallthiswas,asitwere,notaccidentalinme,butasthoughitwereboundtobeso.Itwasasthoughitweremymost
normal
normalcondition,andnotintheleastdiseaseordepravity,sothatatlastalldesireinmetostruggleagainstthisdepravitypasó
passed.Itendedbymyalmostbelieving(perhapsactuallybelieving)thatthiswasperhapsmy
normal
normalcondition.Butatfirst,inthebeginning,whatagoniesIenduredinthatstruggle!
Ididnotbelieveitwasthesamewithotherpeople,andallmylifeI
oculté
hidthisfactaboutmyselfasasecreto
secret.Iwasashamed(evennow,perhaps,Iamashamed):
Igottothepointoffeelingasortof
secreto
secretabnormal,despicableenjoymentinreturninghometomycorneronsomedisgustingPetersburgnight,acutelyconsciousthatthatdayIhadcommittedaloathsomeacción
actionagain,thatwhatwasdonecouldneverbeundone,andsecretly,inwardlygnawing,gnawingatmyselfforit,tearingandconsumingmyselftillatlastthebitternessturnedintoasortofshamefulaccursedsweetness,andatlast—intopositiverealenjoyment!Yes,intoenjoyment,intoenjoyment!
Iinsistuponthat.
IhavespokenofthisbecauseIkeepwantingtoknowforafact
si
whetherotherpeoplefeelsuchenjoyment?Iwill
explicaré
explain;theenjoymentwasjustfromthetoointenseconsciousnessofone’sowndegradation;
itwasfromfeelingoneselfthatonehad
alcanzado
reachedthelastbarrier,thatitwashorrible,butthatitcouldnotbeotherwise;thattherewasno
escape
escapeforyou;thatyounevercouldbecomeadifferentman;
thateveniftimeand
fe
faithwerestillleftyoutochangeintosomethingdifferentyouwouldmostlikelynotwishtochange;orifyoudidwishto,eventhenyouwoulddonothing;
becauseperhapsinrealitytherewasnothingforyoutochangeinto.
Andthe
peor
worstofitwas,andtherootofitall,thatitwasallinaccordwiththenormalfundamentallawsofover-acuteconsciousness,andwiththeinertiathatwasthedirectresultofthoselaws,andthatconsequentlyonewasnotonlyunabletochangebutcoulddoabsolutelynothing.Thusitwouldfollow,astheresultofacuteconsciousness,thatoneisnottoblameinbeingascoundrel;
asthoughthatwereanyconsolationtothescoundreloncehehascometorealisethatheactuallyisascoundrel.
Butenough....
Ech,Ihavetalkedalotofnonsense,butwhathaveI
explicado
explained?Howisenjoymentinthistobe
explicar
explained?ButIwillexplainit.
Iwillgettothebottomofit!
ThatiswhyIhavetakenupmypen....
I,forinstance,haveagreatdealofamourpropre.
Iamassuspiciousandpronetotakeoffenceasahumpbackoradwarf.
ButuponmywordIsometimeshavehadmomentswhenifIhadhappenedtobeslappedinthefaceIshould,perhaps,havebeenpositivelygladofit.
Isay,inearnest,thatIshouldprobablyhavebeenabletodiscovereveninthatapeculiarsortofenjoyment—theenjoyment,ofcourse,ofdespair;
butindespairtherearethemostintenseenjoyments,
especialmente
especiallywhenoneisveryacutelyconsciousofthehopelessnessofone’sposición
position.Andwhenoneisslappedintheface—whythentheconsciousnessofbeingrubbedintoapulpwouldpositivelyoverwhelmone.
The
peor
worstofitis,lookatitwhichwayonewill,itstillturnsoutthatIwasalwaysthemosttoblameineverything.Andwhatismosthumiliatingofall,toblamefornofaultofmyownbut,sotosay,throughthelawsof
naturaleza
nature.Inthefirstplace,to
culpar
blamebecauseIamclevererthananyofthepeoplesurroundingme.(Ihavealwaysconsideredmyselfclevererthananyofthepeoplesurroundingme,andsometimes,wouldyoubelieveit,havebeenpositivelyashamedofit.
Atanyrate,Ihaveallmylife,asitwere,turnedmyeyesawayandnevercouldlookpeople
directamente
straightintheface.)To
culpa
blame,finally,becauseevenifIhadhadmagnanimity,Ishouldonlyhavehadmoresufferingfromthesensación
senseofitsuselessness.Ishould
ciertamente
certainlyhaveneverbeenabletodoanythingfrombeingmagnanimous—neithertoperdonar
forgive,formyassailantwouldperhapshaveslappedmefromthelawsofnaturaleza
nature,andonecannotforgivethelawsofnaturaleza
nature;nortoforget,forevenifitwere
debido
owingtothelawsofnaturaleza
nature,itisinsultingallthesame.Finally,evenifIhadwantedtobeanythingbutmagnanimous,haddesiredonthecontrarytorevengemyselfonmyassailant,IcouldnothaverevengedmyselfonanyoneforanythingbecauseIshould
ciertamente
certainlyneverhavemadeupmymindtodoanything,evenifIhadbeenableto.WhyshouldInothavemadeupmymind?
III
Withpeoplewhoknowhowtorevengethemselvesandtostandupforthemselvesin
general
general,howisitdone?Why,whentheyarepossessed,letus
supongamos
suppose,bythefeelingofrevenge,thenforthetimethereisnothingelsebutthatfeelingleftintheirwholebeing.Suchagentlemansimplydashes
directamente
straightforhisobjectlikeaninfuriatedbullwithitshornsdown,andnothingbutapared
wallwillstophim.(Bytheway:
facingthe
pared
wall,suchgentlemen—thatis,the“direct”personsandmenofaction—aregenuinelynonplussed.Forthema
muro
wallisnotanevasion,asforuspeoplewhothinkandconsequentlydonothing;itisnotanexcuseforturningaside,anexcuseforwhichwearealwaysveryglad,thoughwescarcelybelieveinitourselves,asa
regla
rule.No,theyarenonplussedinallsincerity.
The
muro
wallhasforthemsomethingtranquillising,morallysoothing,final—maybeevensomethingmysterious...butofthe
pared
walllater.)Well,suchadirectpersonIregardasthereal
normal
normalman,ashistendermothernaturaleza
naturewishedtoseehimwhenshegraciouslybroughthimintobeingontheearth.IenvysuchamantillIam
verde
greenintheface.Heisstupid.
Iamnotdisputingthat,butperhapsthe
normal
normalmanshouldbestupid,howdoyouknow?Perhapsitisverybeautiful,infact.
AndIamthemorepersuadedofthatsuspicion,ifonecancallitso,bythefactthatifyoutake,forinstance,theantithesisofthe
normal
normalman,thatis,themanofacuteconsciousness,whohascome,ofcourse,notoutofthelapofnaturaleza
naturebutoutofaretort(thisisalmostmysticism,gentlemen,butIsuspectthis,too),thisretort-mademanissometimessononplussedinthepresenceofhisantithesisthatwithallhisexaggeratedconsciousnesshegenuinelythinksofhimselfasamouseandnotaman.Itmaybeanacutelyconsciousmouse,yetitisamouse,whiletheotherisaman,andtherefore,etcaetera,etcaetera.
Andthe
peor
worstofitis,hehimself,hisveryownsí mismo
self,looksonhimselfasamouse;nooneaskshimtodoso;
andthatisanimportantpoint.
Nowletuslookatthismousein
acción
action.Letussuppose,forinstance,thatitfeelsinsulted,too(anditalmostalwaysdoesfeelinsulted),andwantstorevengeitself,too.
Theremayevenbeagreateraccumulationofspiteinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.
Thebaseandnastydesiretoventthatspiteonitsassailantranklesperhapsevenmorenastilyinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.
Forthroughhisinnatestupiditythelatterlooksuponhisrevengeasjusticepureand
simple
simple;whileinconsequenceofhisacuteconsciousnessthemousedoesnotbelieveinthejusticeofit.
Tocomeatlasttothedeeditself,totheveryactofrevenge.
Aparte
Apartfromtheonefundamentalnastinessthelucklessmousesucceedsincreatingarounditsomanyothernastinessesintheforma
formofdoubtsandquestions,addstotheonequestionsomanyunsettledquestionsthatthereinevitablyworksuparounditasortoffatalbrew,astinkingdesorden
mess,madeupofitsdoubts,emotions,andofthecontemptspatuponitbythedirectmenofacción
actionwhostandsolemnlyaboutitasjudgesandarbitrators,laughingatittilltheirhealthysidesache.Ofcoursetheonlythingleftforitistodismissallthatwithawaveofitspaw,and,witha
sonrisa
smileofassumedcontemptinwhichitdoesnotevenitselfbelieve,creepignominiouslyintoitsmouse-hole.Thereinitsnasty,stinking,undergroundhomeourinsulted,crushedandridiculedmousepromptlybecomesabsorbedincold,malignantand,
sobre
aboveall,everlastingspite.Forfortyyearstogetheritwillrememberitsinjurydowntothesmallest,mostignominiousdetails,andeverytimewilladd,ofitself,detailsstillmoreignominious,spitefullyteasingandtormentingitselfwithitsownimagination.
Itwillitselfbeashamedofitsimaginings,butyetitwillrecallitall,itwillgooverandovereverydetail,itwillinventunheardofthingsagainstitself,pretendingthatthosethingsmighthappen,andwill
perdonará
forgivenothing.Maybeitwill
comenzará
begintorevengeitself,too,but,asitwere,piecemeal,intrivialways,frombehindthestove,incognito,withoutbelievingeitherinitsownrighttovengeance,orinthesuccessofitsrevenge,knowingthatfromallitseffortsatrevengeitwillsufferacien
hundredtimesmorethanheonwhomitrevengesitself,whilehe,Idaresay,willnotevenscratchhimself.Onitsdeathbeditwillrecallitalloveragain,with
intereses
interestaccumulatedoveralltheyearsand...Butitisjustinthatcold,abominablehalfdespair,halfbelief,inthatconsciousburyingoneselfaliveforgriefintheunderworldforfortyyears,inthatacutelyrecognisedandyetpartlydoubtfulhopelessnessofone’s
posición
position,inthathellofunsatisfieddesiresturnedinward,inthatfeverofoscillations,ofresolutionsdeterminedforeverandrepentedofagainaminutelater—thatthesavourofthatextraño
strangeenjoymentofwhichIhavespokenlies.Itissosubtle,so
difícil
difficultofanalysis,thatpersonswhoarealittlelimited,orevensimplypersonsofstrongnerves,willnotunderstandasolo
singleatomofit.“Possibly,”youwilladdonyourownaccountwithagrin,“peoplewillnotunderstanditeitherwhohaveneverreceivedaslapintheface,”andinthatwayyouwillpolitelyhinttomethatI,too,perhaps,havehadthe
experiencia
experienceofaslapinthefaceinmylife,andsoIspeakasonewhoknows.I
apuesto
betthatyouarethinkingthat.Butsetyourmindsatrest,gentlemen,Ihavenotreceivedaslapintheface,thoughitisabsolutelyamatterofindifferencetomewhatyoumaythinkaboutit.
Possibly,Ievenregret,myself,thatIhavegivensofewslapsintheface
durante
duringmylife.Butenough...
notanotherwordonthatsubjectofsuchextreme
interés
interesttoyou.Iwill
continuaré
continuecalmlyconcerningpersonswithstrongnerveswhodonotunderstandacierto
certainrefinementofenjoyment.Thoughincertaincircumstancesthesegentlemenbellowtheirloudestlikebulls,thoughthis,letus
supongamos
suppose,doesthemthegreatestcredit,yet,asIhavesaidalready,confrontedwiththeimposible
impossibletheysubsideatonce.The
imposible
impossiblemeansthestonewall!Whatstone
pared
wall?Why,ofcourse,thelawsof
naturaleza
nature,thedeductionsofnaturalscience,mathematics.