I
Iama
enfermo
sickman....Iamaspiteful
hombre
man.Iamanunattractive
hombre
man.Ibelievemyliverisdiseased.
However,I
sé
knownothingatallaboutmydisease,y
anddonotknowforcertainwhatailsme.Idon’tconsult
un
adoctorforit,andnunca
neverhave,thoughIhaveun
arespectformedicineanddoctors.Besides,Iamextremelysuperstitious,sufficientlysotorespectmedicine,
de todos modos
anyway(Iamwell-educatedenoughnottobesuperstitious,pero
butIamsuperstitious).No,Irefusetoconsult
un
adoctorfromspite.Thatyou
probablemente
probablywillnotunderstand.Well,I
entiendo
understandit,though.Ofcourse,Ican’texplain
quién
whoitispreciselythatIammortifyingineste
thiscasebymyspite:IamperfectlywellawarethatIcannot“payout”
los
thedoctorsbynotconsultingthem;I
sé
knowbetterthananyonethatbytodo
allthisIamonlyinjuringmyselfy
andnooneelse.Butstill,
si
ifIdon’tconsultamédico
doctoritisfromspite.Myliveris
mal
bad,well—letitgetworse!I
he
havebeengoingonlikeeso
thatforalongtime—twentyyears.Ahora
NowIamforty.Iusedtobein
el
thegovernmentservice,butamno
nolonger.Iwasaspitefulofficial.
Iwasrude
y
andtookpleasureinbeingso.Ididnottakebribes,yousee,soIwasboundto
encontrar
findarecompenseinthat,atmenos
least.(Apoorjest,butI
voy
willnotscratchitout.I
escribí
wroteitthinkingitwouldsonaría
soundverywitty;butnowthatI
he
haveseenmyselfthatIsólo
onlywantedtoshowoffinuna
adespicableway,Iwillnotscratchitoutonpurpose!)Cuando
WhenpetitionersusedtocomeforinformationtothetableatwhichIsentaba
sat,Iusedtogrindmyteethatthem,y
andfeltintenseenjoymentwhenIsucceededinhacer
makinganybodyunhappy.Ialmost
hice
didsucceed.Forthemost
parte
parttheywerealltimidpeople—ofsupuesto
course,theywerepetitioners.Butof
los
theuppishonestherewasun
oneofficerinparticularIpodía
couldnotendure.Hesimplywouldnotbehumble,
y
andclankedhisswordinuna
adisgustingway.Icarriedon
una
afeudwithhimforeighteenmonthsoveresa
thatsword.AtlastIgotthebetterof
lo
him.Heleftoffclankingit.
Eso
Thathappenedinmyyouth,though.Pero
Butdoyouknow,gentlemen,whatwasel
thechiefpointaboutmyspite?Why,the
todo
wholepoint,therealstingofitlayinthehecho
factthatcontinually,eveninthemomentoftheacutestspleen,Iwasinwardlyconsciouscon
withshamethatIwasnotsólo
onlynotaspitefulbutnotevenanembitteredhombre
man,thatIwassimplyscaringsparrowsatrandomy
andamusingmyselfbyit.I
puede
mightfoamatthemouth,pero
butbringmeadolltojugar
playwith,givemeacupofteacon
withsugarinit,andtal vez
maybeIshouldbeappeased.I
podría
mightevenbegenuinelytouched,aunque
thoughprobablyIshouldgrindmyteethatmyselfafterwardsy
andlieawakeatnightcon
withshameformonthsafter.Ese
Thatwasmyway.Iwas
mintiendo
lyingwhenIsaidjustnowthatIwasun
aspitefulofficial.Iwas
mintiendo
lyingfromspite.Iwassimplyamusingmyself
con
withthepetitionersandwiththeofficer,y
andinrealityIneverpodría
couldbecomespiteful.Iwasconscious
cada
everymomentinmyselfofmuchos
many,verymanyelementsabsolutelyoppositetoeso
that.Ifeltthempositivelyswarmingin
mí
me,theseoppositeelements.I
sabía
knewthattheyhadbeenswarminginmetoda
allmylifeandcravingsomeoutletfrommí
me,butIwouldnotdejaba
letthem,wouldnotletthem,purposelywouldnotdejaba
letthemcomeout.TheytormentedmetillIwasashamed:
theydrovemetoconvulsionsand—sickened
me
me,atlast,howtheysickenedme
me!Now,arenotyoufancying,gentlemen,thatIamexpressingremorsefor
algo
somethingnow,thatIampidiendo
askingyourforgivenessforsomething?Iam
seguro
sureyouarefancyingthat...However,IassureyouIdonot
importa
careifyouare....Itwasnot
sólo
onlythatIcouldnotbecomespiteful,Ididnotsabía
knowhowtobecomeanything;neitherspitefulnor
amable
kind,neitherarascalnoranhonesthombre
man,neitheraheronoraninsect.Ahora
Now,Iamlivingoutmylifeinmycorner,tauntingmyselfcon
withthespitefulanduselessconsolationthatun
anintelligentmancannotbecomeanythingseriously,y
anditisonlythefoolwhoconvierte
becomesanything.Yes,amanin
el
thenineteenthcenturymustandmorallyoughttobepre-eminentlyacharacterlesscreature;a
hombre
manofcharacter,anactivehombre
manispre-eminentlyalimitedcreature.Esa
Thatismyconvictionoffortyyears.Iamfortyyearsold
ahora
now,andyouknowfortyyearsisuna
awholelifetime;youknowitisextremeoldage.
To
vivir
livelongerthanfortyyearsisbadmanners,isvulgar,immoral.Quién
Whodoeslivebeyondforty?Responda
Answerthat,sincerelyandhonestlyIwilldiré
tellyouwhodo:fools
y
andworthlessfellows.Itell
todos
alloldmenthattotheircara
face,allthesevenerableoldmen,todos
allthesesilver-hairedandreverendseniors!I
digo
tellthewholeworldthattoitscara
face!Ihavearighttosayso,forIshallgoon
viviendo
livingtosixtymyself.Toseventy!
Toeighty!
Quédate
Stay,letmetakebreath...Youimagine
no
nodoubt,gentlemen,thatIquiero
wanttoamuseyou.Youaremistakenin
eso
that,too.Iamby
no
nomeanssuchamirthfulpersona
personasyouimagine,orasyoupuede
mayimagine;however,irritatedby
toda
allthisbabble(andIsiento
feelthatyouareirritated)youcrees
thinkfittoaskmequién
whoIam—thenmyansweres
is,Iamacollegiateassessor.Iwasin
el
theservicethatImighttener
havesomethingtoeat(andsolelyforesa
thatreason),andwhenlastaño
yearadistantrelationleftmeseis
sixthousandroublesinhiswillIimmediatelyretiredfromel
theserviceandsettleddowninmycorner.Iusedto
vivir
liveinthiscornerbefore,pero
butnowIhavesettleddowninit.My
habitación
roomisawretched,horridoneintheoutskirtsoftheciudad
town.Myservantisanoldcountry-woman,ill-naturedfromstupidity,
y
and,moreover,thereisalwaysanastysmellsobre
abouther.Iamtoldthat
el
thePetersburgclimateisbadforme,y
andthatwithmysmallmeansitismuy
veryexpensivetoliveinPetersburg.I
sé
knowallthatbetterthanallestos
thesesageandexperiencedcounsellorsy
andmonitors....ButIamremaininginPetersburg;
Iamnot
voy
goingawayfromPetersburg!Iamnot
voy
goingawaybecause...ech!
Por qué
Why,itisabsolutelynoimporta
matterwhetherIamgoingawayo
ornotgoingaway.Butwhat
puede
canadecentmanspeakofcon
withmostpleasure?Answer:
Ofhimself.
II
I
quiero
wantnowtotellyou,gentlemen,whetheryouimporte
caretohearitornot,por qué
whyIcouldnotevenbecomeun
aninsect.Itellyousolemnly,thatI
he
havemanytimestriedtobecomeun
aninsect.ButIwasnotequal
siquiera
eventothat.Iswear,gentlemen,thattobe
demasiado
tooconsciousisanillness—arealthorough-goingillness.Forman’severydayneeds,itwould
tener
havebeenquiteenoughtotener
havetheordinaryhumanconsciousness,thates
is,halforaquarteroftheamountwhichcae
fallstothelotofacultivatedhombre
manofourunhappynineteenthcentury,especiallyonewhohasthefatalill-lucktoinhabitPetersburg,themás
mosttheoreticalandintentionaltownonthetodo
wholeterrestrialglobe.(Thereareintentionalandunintentionaltowns.)
It
sido
wouldhavebeenquiteenough,forinstance,totener
havetheconsciousnessbywhichtodas
allso-calleddirectpersonsandmenofactionviven
live.IbetyouthinkIam
escribiendo
writingallthisfromaffectation,tobewittyatlos
theexpenseofmenofaction;y
andwhatismore,thatfromill-bredaffectation,Iamclankinguna
aswordlikemyofficer.Pero
But,gentlemen,whoevercanpridehimselfonhisdiseasesandincluso
evenswaggeroverthem?Though,after
todo
all,everyonedoesdothat;gente
peopledopridethemselvesontheirdiseases,y
andIdo,maybe,más
morethananyone.Wewillnotdisputeit;
mycontentionwasabsurd.
Pero
ButyetIamfirmlypersuadedthatuna
agreatdealofconsciousness,everytipo
sortofconsciousness,infact,isuna
adisease.Istickto
eso
that.Letusleavethat,
también
too,foraminute.Tellme
esto
this:whydoesithappenthatat
los
thevery,yes,attheverymomentswhenIammás
mostcapableoffeelingeveryrefinementoftodo
allthatis“sublimeandbeautiful,”astheyusedtodecir
sayatonetime,itwould,asthoughofdesign,happentomenotsólo
onlytofeelbuttohacer
dosuchuglythings,suchthat...Well,inshort,actionsthat
todos
all,perhaps,commit;butwhich,asthoughpurposely,occurredtomeat
el
theverytimewhenIwasmás
mostconsciousthattheyoughtnottobecommitted.La
ThemoreconsciousIwasofgoodnessy
andofallthatwas“sublimey
andbeautiful,”themoredeeplyIsankintomymirey
andthemorereadyIwastosinkinitaltogether.But
el
thechiefpointwasthattodo
allthiswas,asitwere,notaccidentalinmí
me,butasthoughitwereboundtobeso.Itwasasthoughitweremy
más
mostnormalcondition,andnotintheleastdiseaseo
ordepravity,sothatatfin
lastalldesireinmetostrugglecontra
againstthisdepravitypassed.Itendedbymy
casi
almostbelieving(perhapsactuallybelieving)thatesta
thiswasperhapsmynormalcondition.Pero
Butatfirst,inthebeginning,whatagoniesIenduredinesa
thatstruggle!Ididnot
creía
believeitwasthesamecon
withotherpeople,andallmyvida
lifeIhidthisfactsobre
aboutmyselfasasecret.Iwasashamed(even
ahora
now,perhaps,Iamashamed):Igotto
la
thepointoffeelingaespecie
sortofsecretabnormal,despicableenjoymentinregresar
returninghometomycorneronsomedisgustingPetersburgnoche
night,acutelyconsciousthatthatdía
dayIhadcommittedaloathsomeactionde nuevo
again,thatwhatwasdonepodría
couldneverbeundone,andsecretly,inwardlygnawing,gnawingatmyselfforit,tearingy
andconsumingmyselftillatfin
lastthebitternessturnedintoaespecie
sortofshamefulaccursedsweetness,y
andatlast—intopositiverealenjoyment!Sí
Yes,intoenjoyment,intoenjoyment!Iinsistupon
eso
that.Ihavespokenof
esto
thisbecauseIkeepwantingtosaber
knowforafactwhetherotherpersonas
peoplefeelsuchenjoyment?Iwillexplain;
theenjoymentwas
sólo
justfromthetoointenseconsciousnessofone’sowndegradation;itwasfrom
sentirse
feelingoneselfthatonehadreachedla
thelastbarrier,thatitwashorrible,pero
butthatitcouldnotbeotherwise;thattherewas
no
noescapeforyou;thatyou
nunca
nevercouldbecomeadifferenthombre
man;thateveniftime
y
andfaithwerestillleftyoutocambiar
changeintosomethingdifferentyouwouldmás
mostlikelynotwishtocambiar
change;orifyoudidwishto,
incluso
eventhenyouwoulddonada
nothing;becauseperhapsinrealitytherewas
nada
nothingforyoutochangeinto.Y
Andtheworstofitwas,y
andtherootofittodo
all,thatitwasallinaccordcon
withthenormalfundamentallawsofover-acuteconsciousness,y
andwiththeinertiathatwasthedirectresultofthoselaws,y
andthatconsequentlyonewasnotsólo
onlyunabletochangebutpodía
coulddoabsolutelynothing.Thusitwould
seguiría
follow,astheresultofacuteconsciousness,thatoneisnottoblameinbeingascoundrel;asthough
eso
thatwereanyconsolationtoel
thescoundreloncehehascometorealiseeso
thatheactuallyisascoundrel.Pero
Butenough....Ech,Ihave
hablado
talkedalotofnonsense,pero
butwhathaveIexplained?Cómo
Howisenjoymentinthistobeexplained?Pero
ButIwillexplainit.Iwill
llegaré
gettothebottomofit!Eso
ThatiswhyIhavetomado
takenupmypen....I,forinstance,
tengo
haveagreatdealofamourpropre.Iamassuspicious
y
andpronetotakeoffenceasahumpbacko
oradwarf.Butuponmy
palabra
wordIsometimeshavehadmomentswhensi
ifIhadhappenedtobeslappedinthecara
faceIshould,perhaps,havebeenpositivelygladofit.I
digo
say,inearnest,thatIshouldprobablemente
probablyhavebeenabletodiscoverincluso
eveninthatapeculiartipo
sortofenjoyment—theenjoyment,ofsupuesto
course,ofdespair;butindespair
hay
therearethemostintenseenjoyments,especiallycuando
whenoneisveryacutelyconsciousofthehopelessnessofone’sposition.Y
Andwhenoneisslappedinla
theface—whythentheconsciousnessofbeingrubbedintoapulpwouldpositivelyoverwhelmone.El
Theworstofitis,lookatitwhichmanera
wayonewill,itstillturnsoutthatIwassiempre
alwaysthemosttoblameintodo
everything.Andwhatismosthumiliatingof
todo
all,toblamefornofaultofmyownsino
but,sotosay,throughthelawsofnature.In
las
thefirstplace,toblameporque
becauseIamclevererthananyoflas
thepeoplesurroundingme.(I
he
havealwaysconsideredmyselfclevererthananyoflas
thepeoplesurroundingme,andsometimes,wouldyoucreerías
believeit,havebeenpositivelyashamedofit.At
cualquier
anyrate,Ihaveallmyvida
life,asitwere,turnedmyeyesawayy
andnevercouldlookpeoplestraightinthecara
face.)Toblame,finally,because
incluso
evenifIhadhadmagnanimity,Ishouldsólo
onlyhavehadmoresufferingfromla
thesenseofitsuselessness.Ishouldcertainly
habría
haveneverbeenabletohacer
doanythingfrombeingmagnanimous—neithertoforgive,formyassailantwouldtal vez
perhapshaveslappedmefromthelawsofnature,y
andonecannotforgivethelawsofnature;norto
olvidar
forget,forevenifitwereowingtothelawsofnature,itisinsultingtodos
allthesame.Finally,evenifIhadwantedtobeanythingbutmagnanimous,haddesiredon
el
thecontrarytorevengemyselfonmyassailant,Icouldnothaverevengedmyselfoncualquier
anyoneforanythingbecauseIshouldcertainlynunca
neverhavemadeupmymindtohacer
doanything,evenifIhadbeenableto.Por qué
WhyshouldInothavemadeupmymind?III
Con
Withpeoplewhoknowhowtorevengethemselvesy
andtostandupforthemselvesingeneral,cómo
howisitdone?Why,
cuando
whentheyarepossessed,letussuppose,byel
thefeelingofrevenge,thenforel
thetimethereisnothingelsebutese
thatfeelingleftintheirtodo
wholebeing.Suchagentlemansimplydashesstraightforhisobject
como
likeaninfuriatedbullwithitshornsdown,y
andnothingbutawallwilldetendrá
stophim.(Bytheway:
facingthewall,suchgentlemen—that
es
is,the“direct”personsandmenofaction—aregenuinelynonplussed.Forthemawallisnotanevasion,asforuspeoplewho
pensamos
thinkandconsequentlydonothing;itisnotan
excusa
excuseforturningaside,anexcusa
excuseforwhichwearesiempre
alwaysveryglad,thoughwescarcelycreemos
believeinitourselves,asarule.No
No,theyarenonplussedintoda
allsincerity.Thewallhasforthem
algo
somethingtranquillising,morallysoothing,final—maybeincluso
evensomethingmysterious...butof
la
thewalllater.)Well,such
una
adirectpersonIregardastheverdadero
realnormalman,ashistendermadre
mothernaturewishedtoseehimcuando
whenshegraciouslybroughthimintobeingonthetierra
earth.Ienvysucha
hombre
mantillIamgreeninla
theface.Heisstupid.
Iamnotdisputing
eso
that,butperhapsthenormalhombre
manshouldbestupid,howdoyousabes
know?Perhapsitisvery
hermoso
beautiful,infact.AndIamthe
más
morepersuadedofthatsuspicion,si
ifonecancallitso,bythehecho
factthatifyoutake,forinstance,theantithesisofthenormalhombre
man,thatis,themanofacuteconsciousness,whoha
hascome,ofcourse,notoutofthelapofnaturebutoutofaretort(thisiscasi
almostmysticism,gentlemen,butIsuspectthis,too),thisretort-madehombre
manissometimessononplussedinthepresenceofhisantithesisesa
thatwithallhisexaggeratedconsciousnesshegenuinelypiensa
thinksofhimselfasamousey
andnotaman.It
puede
maybeanacutelyconsciousmouse,yetitisamouse,whileel
theotherisaman,y
andtherefore,etcaetera,etcaetera.Y
Andtheworstofites
is,hehimself,hisverypropio
ownself,looksonhimselfasun
amouse;nooneaskshimto
haga
doso;andthatis
un
animportantpoint.Nowletuslookat
este
thismouseinaction.Letussuppose,forinstance,thatit
siente
feelsinsulted,too(anditcasi
almostalwaysdoesfeelinsulted),y
andwantstorevengeitself,también
too.Theremayevenbe
una
agreateraccumulationofspiteinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.Thebase
y
andnastydesiretoventese
thatspiteonitsassailantranklestal vez
perhapsevenmorenastilyinitde
thaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.For
a través de
throughhisinnatestupiditythelatterlooksuponhisrevengeasjusticepurey
andsimple;whileinconsequenceofhisacuteconsciousnessthemousedoesnot
cree
believeinthejusticeofit.To
llegar
comeatlasttothedeeditself,tothemismo
veryactofrevenge.Apartfromtheonefundamentalnastinessthelucklessmousesucceedsincreating
alrededor
arounditsomanyothernastinessesintheformofdoubtsy
andquestions,addstotheonepregunta
questionsomanyunsettledquestionsthatthereinevitablyworksupalrededor
arounditasortoffatalbrew,astinkingmess,madeupofitsdoubts,emotions,y
andofthecontemptspatuponitbythedirectmenofactionwhoparan
standsolemnlyaboutitasjudgesy
andarbitrators,laughingatittilltheirhealthysidesache.Of
supuesto
coursetheonlythingleftforitistodismisstodo
allthatwithawaveofitspaw,y
and,withasmileofassumedcontemptinwhichitdoesnotsiquiera
evenitselfbelieve,creepignominiouslyintoitsmouse-hole.Allí
Thereinitsnasty,stinking,undergroundhogar
homeourinsulted,crushedandridiculedmousepromptlybecomesabsorbedinfrío
cold,malignantand,aboveall,everlastingspite.Forfortyyears
juntos
togetheritwillrememberitsinjurydowntolos
thesmallest,mostignominiousdetails,y
andeverytimewilladd,ofitself,detailsstillmoreignominious,spitefullyteasingy
andtormentingitselfwithitsownimagination.Itwillitselfbeashamedofitsimaginings,
pero
butyetitwillrecallittodo
all,itwillgoovery
andovereverydetail,itwillinventunheardofthingscontra
againstitself,pretendingthatthosethingspodrían
mighthappen,andwillforgivenada
nothing.Maybeitwillbegintorevengeitself,
también
too,but,asitwere,piecemeal,intrivialways,frombehindthestove,incognito,sin
withoutbelievingeitherinitspropio
ownrighttovengeance,orinthesuccessofitsrevenge,sabiendo
knowingthatfromallitseffortsatrevengeitwillsufferahundredtimesmás
morethanheonwhomitrevengesitself,whileél
he,Idaresay,willnotsiquiera
evenscratchhimself.Onitsdeathbeditwillrecallitallover
de nuevo
again,withinterestaccumulatedoveralllos
theyearsand...Butitis
justo
justinthatcold,abominablemitad
halfdespair,halfbelief,inthatconsciousburyingoneselfvivo
aliveforgriefintheunderworldforfortyyears,inthatacutelyrecognisedy
andyetpartlydoubtfulhopelessnessofone’sposition,inthatinfierno
hellofunsatisfieddesiresturnedinward,inthatfeverofoscillations,ofresolutionsdeterminedforevery
andrepentedofagainaminuto
minutelater—thatthesavourofthatstrangeenjoymentofwhichIhe
havespokenlies.Itissosubtle,sodifficultofanalysis,that
personas
personswhoarealittlelimited,o
orevensimplypersonsofstrongnerves,willnotentenderán
understandasingleatomofit.“Possibly,”youwilladdonyour
tenido
ownaccountwithagrin,“peoplewillnotentenderá
understanditeitherwhohavenunca
neverreceivedaslapinla
theface,”andinthatmanera
wayyouwillpolitelyhinttomeesa
thatI,too,perhaps,havehadla
theexperienceofaslapinla
thefaceinmylife,y
andsoIspeakasonewhosabe
knows.Ibetthatyouare
pensando
thinkingthat.Butsetyourmindsatrest,gentlemen,I
he
havenotreceivedaslapinla
theface,thoughitisabsolutelyuna
amatterofindifferencetomewhatyoupuede
maythinkaboutit.Possibly,I
incluso
evenregret,myself,thatIhaber
havegivensofewslapsinla
thefaceduringmylife.Pero
Butenough...notanother
palabra
wordonthatsubjectoftan
suchextremeinteresttoyou.Iwillcontinuecalmlyconcerning
personas
personswithstrongnerveswhodonotentienden
understandacertainrefinementofenjoyment.Aunque
Thoughincertaincircumstancesthesegentlemenbellowtheirloudestlikebulls,aunque
thoughthis,letussuppose,hace
doesthemthegreatestcredit,yet,asIhe
havesaidalready,confrontedwiththeimpossibletheysubsideatinmediato
once.Theimpossiblemeansthestonewall!
Whatstonewall?
Why,of
supuesto
course,thelawsofnature,thedeductionsofnaturalscience,mathematics.