I
Iamasickman....
Iamaspitefulman.
Iamanunattractiveman.
Ibelievemy
fígado
liverisdiseased.However,Iknownothingatallaboutmydisease,anddonotknowforcertainwhatailsme.
Idon’tconsultadoctorforit,andneverhave,thoughIhavearespectformedicineanddoctors.
Besides,Iamextremely
supersticioso
superstitious,sufficientlysotorespectmedicine,anyway(Iamwell-educatedenoughnottobesupersticioso
superstitious,butIamsuperstitious).No,Irefuseto
consultar
consultadoctorfromspite.Thatyouprobablywillnotunderstand.
Well,Iunderstandit,though.
Ofcourse,Ican’texplainwhoitis
precisamente
preciselythatIammortifyinginthiscasebymyspite:IamperfectlywellawarethatIcannot“payout”thedoctorsbynotconsultingthem;
IknowbetterthananyonethatbyallthisIamonly
ferir
injuringmyselfandnooneelse.Butstill,ifIdon’t
consulto
consultadoctoritisfromspite.My
fígado
liverisbad,well—letitgetworse!Ihavebeengoingonlikethatforalongtime—twentyyears.
NowIamforty.
Iusedtobeinthegovernmentservice,butamnolonger.
Iwasaspitefulofficial.
Iwasrudeandtookpleasureinbeingso.
Ididnottakebribes,yousee,soIwasboundtofindarecompenseinthat,atleast.
(Apoorjest,butIwillnotscratchitout.
Iwroteitthinkingitwouldsoundvery
espirituoso
witty;butnowthatIhaveseenmyselfthatIonlywantedtoshowoffina
desprezível
despicableway,Iwillnotscratchitoutonpurpose!)WhenpetitionersusedtocomeforinformationtothetableatwhichIsat,Iusedtogrindmyteethatthem,andfelt
intenso
intenseenjoymentwhenIsucceededinmakinganybodyunhappy.Ialmostdidsucceed.
Forthemostparttheywerealltimidpeople—ofcourse,theywerepetitioners.
ButoftheuppishonestherewasoneofficerinparticularIcouldnot
suportar
endure.Hesimplywouldnotbe
humilde
humble,andclankedhisswordinadisgustingway.Icarriedonafeudwithhimforeighteenmonthsoverthatsword.
AtlastIgotthebetterofhim.
Heleftoffclankingit.
Thathappenedinmyyouth,though.
Butdoyouknow,gentlemen,whatwasthechiefpointaboutmyspite?
Why,thewholepoint,therealstingofitlayinthefactthat
continuamente
continually,eveninthemomentoftheacutestspleen,Iwasinwardlyconsciente
consciouswithshamethatIwasnotonlynotaspitefulbutnotevenanembitteredman,thatIwassimplyscaringsparrowsatacaso
randomandamusingmyselfbyit.Imight
espuma
foamatthemouth,butbringmeadolltoplaywith,givemeacupofteawithsugarinit,andmaybeIshouldbeappeased.Imightevenbe
genuinamente
genuinelytouched,thoughprobablyIshouldgrindmyteethatmyselfafterwardsandlieawakeatnightwithshameformonthsafter.Thatwasmyway.
IwaslyingwhenIsaidjustnowthatIwasaspitefulofficial.
Iwaslyingfrom
despeito
spite.Iwassimplyamusingmyselfwiththepetitionersandwiththeofficer,andinrealityInevercouldbecomespiteful.
Iwas
consciente
consciouseverymomentinmyselfofmany,verymanyelementsabsolutelyoppositetothat.Ifeltthem
positivamente
positivelyswarminginme,theseoppositeelements.Iknewthattheyhadbeenswarminginmeallmylifeand
ansiavam
cravingsomeoutletfromme,butIwouldnotletthem,wouldnotletthem,propositadamente
purposelywouldnotletthemcomeout.TheytormentedmetillIwasashamed:
theydrovemetoconvulsionsand—sickenedme,atlast,howtheysickenedme!
Now,arenotyoufancying,gentlemen,thatIamexpressing
remorso
remorseforsomethingnow,thatIamaskingyourperdão
forgivenessforsomething?Iamsureyouarefancyingthat...
However,I
garanto
assureyouIdonotcareifyouare....ItwasnotonlythatIcouldnotbecomespiteful,Ididnotknowhowtobecomeanything;
neitherspitefulnorkind,neitherarascalnoranhonestman,neitheraheronoran
inseto
insect.Now,Iamlivingoutmylifeinmycorner,tauntingmyselfwiththespitefulanduseless
consolo
consolationthatanintelligentmancannotbecomeanythingseriously,anditisonlythefoolwhobecomesanything.Yes,amaninthenineteenthcenturymustand
moralmente
morallyoughttobepre-eminentlyacharacterlesscreature;amanofcharacter,an
ativo
activemanispre-eminentlyalimitedcreature.Thatismy
convicção
convictionoffortyyears.Iamfortyyearsoldnow,andyouknowfortyyearsisawholelifetime;
youknowitis
extrema
extremeoldage.Tolivelongerthanfortyyearsisbadmanners,is
vulgar
vulgar,immoral.Whodoeslivebeyondforty?
Answerthat,sincerelyandhonestlyIwilltellyouwhodo:
foolsandworthlessfellows.
Itellalloldmenthattotheirface,allthesevenerableoldmen,allthesesilver-hairedandreverendseniors!
Itellthewholeworldthattoitsface!
Ihavearighttosayso,forIshallgoonlivingtosixtymyself.
Toseventy!
Toeighty!
Stay,letmetakebreath...
Youimaginenodoubt,gentlemen,thatIwantto
divertir
amuseyou.Youaremistakeninthat,too.
Iambynomeanssuchamirthfulpersonasyouimagine,orasyoumayimagine;
however,
irritado
irritatedbyallthisbabble(andIfeelthatyouareirritado
irritated)youthinkfittoaskmewhoIam—thenmyansweris,Iamacollegiateassessor.IwasintheservicethatImighthavesomethingtoeat(andsolelyforthatreason),andwhenlastyeara
distante
distantrelationleftmesixthousandroublesinhiswillIimmediatelyaposentou
retiredfromtheserviceandsettleddowninmycorner.Iusedtoliveinthiscornerbefore,butnowIhavesettleddowninit.
Myroomisa
miserável
wretched,horridoneintheoutskirtsofthetown.Myservantisanoldcountry-woman,ill-naturedfrom
estupidez
stupidity,and,moreover,thereisalwaysanastysmellabouther.IamtoldthatthePetersburg
clima
climateisbadforme,andthatwithmysmallmeansitisveryexpensivetoliveinPetersburg.Iknowallthatbetterthanallthesesageandexperiencedcounsellorsandmonitors....
ButIamremaininginPetersburg;
IamnotgoingawayfromPetersburg!
Iamnotgoingawaybecause...
ech!
Why,itisabsolutelynomatterwhetherIamgoingawayornotgoingaway.
Butwhatcanadecentmanspeakofwithmostpleasure?
Answer:
Ofhimself.
II
Iwantnowtotellyou,gentlemen,whetheryoucaretohearitornot,whyIcouldnotevenbecomean
inseto
insect.Itellyousolemnly,thatIhavemanytimestriedtobecomean
inseto
insect.ButIwasnot
igual
equaleventothat.Iswear,gentlemen,thattobetoo
consciente
consciousisanillness—arealthorough-goingdoença
illness.Forman’severydayneeds,itwouldhavebeenquiteenoughtohavetheordinaryhuman
consciência
consciousness,thatis,halforaquarteroftheamountwhichfallstothelotofacultivado
cultivatedmanofourunhappynineteenthcentury,especiallyonewhohasthefatal
fatalill-lucktoinhabitPetersburg,themostteórica
theoreticalandintentionaltownonthewholeterrestrialglobo
globe.(Thereareintentionalandunintentionaltowns.)
Itwouldhavebeenquiteenough,for
exemplo
instance,tohavetheconsciousnessbywhichallso-calleddirectpersonsandmenofactionlive.IbetyouthinkIamwritingallthisfromaffectation,tobe
espirituoso
wittyattheexpenseofmenofaction;andwhatismore,thatfromill-bredaffectation,Iamclankingaswordlikemyofficer.
But,gentlemen,whoevercanpridehimselfonhisdiseasesandevenswaggeroverthem?
Though,afterall,everyonedoesdothat;
peopledopridethemselvesontheirdiseases,andIdo,maybe,morethananyone.
Wewillnotdisputeit;
mycontentionwasabsurd.
ButyetIam
firmemente
firmlypersuadedthatagreatdealofconsciência
consciousness,everysortofconsciousness,infact,isadisease.Isticktothat.
Letusleavethat,too,foraminute.
Tellmethis:
whydoesithappenthatatthevery,yes,attheverymomentswhenIammostcapableoffeelingeveryrefinementofallthatis“sublimeandbeautiful,”astheyusedtosayatonetime,itwould,asthoughofdesign,happentomenotonlytofeelbuttodosuchuglythings,suchthat...
Well,inshort,actionsthatall,perhaps,commit;
butwhich,asthoughpurposely,
ocorreu
occurredtomeattheverytimewhenIwasmostconsciente
consciousthattheyoughtnottobecommitted.Themore
consciente
consciousIwasofgoodnessandofallthatwas“sublimeandbeautiful,”themoredeeplyIsankintomymireandthemorereadyIwastoafundar
sinkinitaltogether.Butthechiefpointwasthatallthiswas,asitwere,not
acidental
accidentalinme,butasthoughitwereboundtobeso.Itwasasthoughitweremymostnormalcondition,andnotintheleastdiseaseordepravity,sothatatlastalldesireinmetostruggleagainstthisdepravitypassed.
Itendedbymyalmostbelieving(perhapsactuallybelieving)thatthiswasperhapsmynormalcondition.
Butatfirst,inthebeginning,whatagoniesI
suportei
enduredinthatstruggle!Ididnotbelieveitwasthesamewithotherpeople,andallmylifeIhidthisfactaboutmyselfasasecret.
Iwasashamed(evennow,perhaps,Iamashamed):
Igottothepointoffeelingasortofsecret
anormal
abnormal,despicableenjoymentinreturninghometomycorneronsomedisgustingPetersburgnight,acutelyconsciente
consciousthatthatdayIhadcommittedaloathsomeactionagain,thatwhatwasdonecouldneverbedesfeito
undone,andsecretly,inwardlygnawing,gnawingatmyselfforit,tearingandconsumindo
consumingmyselftillatlasttheamargura
bitternessturnedintoasortofshamefulaccursedsweetness,andatlast—intopositiverealprazer
enjoyment!Yes,intoenjoyment,into
prazer
enjoyment!Iinsistuponthat.
IhavespokenofthisbecauseIkeepwantingtoknowforafactwhetherotherpeoplefeelsuch
prazer
enjoyment?Iwillexplain;
the
prazer
enjoymentwasjustfromthetoointenseconsciência
consciousnessofone’sowndegradation;itwasfromfeelingoneselfthatonehadreachedthelast
barreira
barrier,thatitwashorrible,butthatitcouldnotbeotherwise;thattherewasnoescapeforyou;
thatyounevercouldbecomeadifferentman;
thateveniftimeandfaithwerestillleftyoutochangeintosomethingdifferentyouwouldmostlikelynotwishtochange;
orifyoudidwishto,eventhenyouwoulddonothing;
becauseperhapsinrealitytherewasnothingforyoutochangeinto.
Andtheworstofitwas,andthe
raiz
rootofitall,thatitwasallinacordo
accordwiththenormalfundamentallawsofover-acuteconsciência
consciousness,andwiththeinertiathatwasthedirectresultofthoselaws,andthatconsequentlyonewasnotonlyincapaz
unabletochangebutcoulddoabsolutelynothing.Thusitwouldfollow,astheresultof
aguda
acuteconsciousness,thatoneisnottoblameinbeingacanalha
scoundrel;asthoughthatwereany
consolo
consolationtothescoundreloncehehascometopercebeu
realisethatheactuallyisacanalha
scoundrel.Butenough....
Ech,Ihavetalkedalotofnonsense,butwhathaveIexplained?
Howis
prazer
enjoymentinthistobeexplained?ButIwillexplainit.
Iwillgettothebottomofit!
ThatiswhyIhavetakenupmypen....
I,for
exemplo
instance,haveagreatdealofamourpropre.Iamas
desconfiado
suspiciousandpronetotakeoffenceasahumpbackoraanão
dwarf.ButuponmywordIsometimeshavehadmomentswhenifIhadhappenedtobeslappedinthefaceIshould,perhaps,havebeen
positivamente
positivelygladofit.Isay,in
sério
earnest,thatIshouldprobablyhavebeenabletodescobrir
discovereveninthatapeculiar
peculiarsortofenjoyment—theenjoyment,ofcourse,ofdesespero
despair;butindespairtherearethemostintenseenjoyments,especiallywhenoneisveryacutelyconsciousofthehopelessnessofone’sposition.
Andwhenoneis
esbofeteado
slappedintheface—whythentheconsciência
consciousnessofbeingrubbedintoapolpa
pulpwouldpositivelyoverwhelmone.Theworstofitis,lookatitwhichwayonewill,itstillturnsoutthatIwasalwaysthemosttoblameineverything.
Andwhatismosthumiliatingofall,toblamefornofaultofmyownbut,sotosay,throughthelawsofnature.
Inthefirstplace,toblamebecauseIamclevererthananyofthepeople
rodeiam
surroundingme.(Ihavealwaysconsideredmyselfclevererthananyofthepeople
rodeiam
surroundingme,andsometimes,wouldyoubelieveit,havebeenpositivelyashamedofit.Atanyrate,Ihaveallmylife,asitwere,turnedmyeyesawayandnevercouldlookpeoplestraightintheface.)
Toblame,finally,becauseevenifIhadhadmagnanimity,Ishouldonlyhavehadmoresufferingfromthesenseofitsuselessness.
Ishouldcertainlyhaveneverbeenabletodoanythingfrombeingmagnanimous—neithertoforgive,formyassailantwouldperhapshaveslappedmefromthelawsofnature,andonecannotforgivethelawsofnature;
nortoforget,forevenifitwereowingtothelawsofnature,itis
insulto
insultingallthesame.Finally,evenifIhadwantedtobeanythingbutmagnanimous,haddesiredonthe
contrário
contrarytorevengemyselfonmyassailant,IcouldnothaverevengedmyselfonanyoneforanythingbecauseIshouldcertainlyneverhavemadeupmymindtodoanything,evenifIhadbeenableto.WhyshouldInothavemadeupmymind?
III
Withpeoplewhoknowhowtorevengethemselvesandtostandupforthemselvesingeneral,howisitdone?
Why,whentheyarepossessed,letussuppose,bythefeelingofrevenge,thenforthetimethereisnothingelsebutthatfeelingleftintheirwholebeing.
Suchagentlemansimplydashesstraightforhisobjectlikeaninfuriatedbullwithitshornsdown,andnothingbutawallwillstophim.
(Bytheway:
facingthewall,suchgentlemen—thatis,the“direct”personsandmenofaction—are
genuinamente
genuinelynonplussed.Forthemawallisnotanevasion,asforuspeoplewhothinkandconsequentlydonothing;
itisnotanexcuseforturningaside,anexcuseforwhichwearealwaysveryglad,thoughwe
dificilmente
scarcelybelieveinitourselves,asarule.No,theyarenonplussedinall
sinceridade
sincerity.Thewallhasforthemsomethingtranquillising,
moralmente
morallysoothing,final—maybeevensomethingmisterioso
mysterious...butofthewalllater.)
Well,suchadirectpersonI
considero
regardastherealnormalman,ashisterna
tendermothernaturewishedtoseehimwhenshegraciouslybroughthimintobeingontheearth.I
invejo
envysuchamantillIamgreenintheface.Heisstupid.
Iamnotdisputingthat,butperhapsthenormalmanshouldbestupid,howdoyouknow?
Perhapsitisverybeautiful,infact.
AndIamthemore
convencido
persuadedofthatsuspicion,ifonecancallitso,bythefactthatifyoutake,forexemplo
instance,theantithesisofthenormalman,thatis,themanofaguda
acuteconsciousness,whohascome,ofcourse,notoutofthecolo
lapofnaturebutoutofaretort(thisisalmostmysticism,gentlemen,butIsuspectthis,too),thisretort-mademanissometimessononplussedinthepresenceofhisantithesisthatwithallhisexaggeratedconsciência
consciousnesshegenuinelythinksofhimselfasamouseandnotaman.Itmaybeanacutely
consciente
consciousmouse,yetitisamouse,whiletheotherisaman,andtherefore,etcaetera,etcaetera.Andtheworstofitis,hehimself,hisveryownself,looksonhimselfasamouse;
nooneaskshimtodoso;
andthatisanimportantpoint.
Nowletuslookatthismouseinaction.
Letussuppose,for
exemplo
instance,thatitfeelsinsulted,too(anditalmostalwaysdoesfeelinsultado
insulted),andwantstorevengeitself,too.Theremayevenbeagreateraccumulationofspiteinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.
Thebaseandnastydesiretoventthatspiteonitsassailantranklesperhapsevenmorenastilyinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.
Forthroughhisinnate
estupidez
stupiditythelatterlooksuponhisrevengeasjusticepureandsimple;whileinconsequenceofhis
aguda
acuteconsciousnessthemousedoesnotbelieveinthejusticeofit.Tocomeatlasttothedeeditself,totheveryactofrevenge.
Apartfromtheone
fundamental
fundamentalnastinessthelucklessmousesucceedsincreatingarounditsomanyothernastinessesintheformofdoubtsandquestions,addstotheonequestionsomanyunsettledquestionsthatthereinevitavelmente
inevitablyworksuparounditasortoffatal
fatalbrew,astinkingmess,madeupofitsdoubts,emotions,andofthedesprezo
contemptspatuponitbythedirectmenofactionwhostandsolenemente
solemnlyaboutitasjudgesandarbitrators,laughingatittilltheirhealthysidesdoem
ache.Ofcoursetheonlythingleftforitisto
descartar
dismissallthatwithawaveofitspata
paw,and,withasmileofassumeddesprezo
contemptinwhichitdoesnotevenitselfbelieve,rastejando
creepignominiouslyintoitsmouse-hole.Thereinitsnasty,stinking,
subterrâneo
undergroundhomeourinsulted,crushedandridicularizado
ridiculedmousepromptlybecomesabsorbedincold,maligno
malignantand,aboveall,everlastingspite.Forfortyyearstogetheritwillrememberits
lesão
injurydowntothesmallest,mostignominiousdetails,andeverytimewilladd,ofitself,detailsstillmoreignominious,spitefullyprovocando
teasingandtormentingitselfwithitsownimagination.Itwillitselfbeashamedofitsimaginings,butyetitwill
lembrar
recallitall,itwillgooverandovereverydetalhe
detail,itwillinventunheardofthingsagainstitself,pretendingthatthosethingsmighthappen,andwillforgivenothing.Maybeitwillbegintorevengeitself,too,but,asitwere,piecemeal,intrivialways,frombehindthe
fogão
stove,incognito,withoutbelievingeitherinitsownrighttovengeance,orinthesuccessofitsrevenge,knowingthatfromallitseffortsatrevengeitwillsufferahundredtimesmorethanheonwhomitrevengesitself,whilehe,Idaresay,willnotevenscratchhimself.Onitsdeathbeditwill
lembrar
recallitalloveragain,withinterestaccumulatedoveralltheyearsand...Butitisjustinthatcold,
abominável
abominablehalfdespair,halfbelief,inthatconsciente
consciousburyingoneselfalivefordor
griefintheunderworldforfortyyears,inthatacutelyreconhecido
recognisedandyetpartlydoubtfulhopelessnessofone’sposition,inthathellofunsatisfieddesiresturnedinward,inthatfeverofoscillations,ofresolutionsdeterminedforeverandrepentedofagainaminutelater—thatthesavourofthatstrangegozo
enjoymentofwhichIhavespokenlies.Itisso
sutil
subtle,sodifficultofanalysis,thatpersonswhoarealittlelimited,orevensimplypersonsofstrongnerves,willnotunderstandasingleátomo
atomofit.“Possibly,”youwilladdonyourownaccountwitha
sorriso
grin,“peoplewillnotunderstanditeitherwhohaveneverreceivedabofetada
slapintheface,”andinthatwayyouwilleducadamente
politelyhinttomethatI,too,perhaps,havehadtheexperienceofabofetada
slapinthefaceinmylife,andsoIspeakasonewhoknows.Ibetthatyouarethinkingthat.
Butsetyourmindsatrest,gentlemen,Ihavenotreceiveda
tapa
slapintheface,thoughitisabsolutelyamatterofindiferença
indifferencetomewhatyoumaythinkaboutit.Possibly,Ievenregret,myself,thatIhavegivensofewslapsinthefaceduringmylife.
Butenough...
notanotherwordonthatsubjectofsuch
extremo
extremeinteresttoyou.Iwillcontinue
calmamente
calmlyconcerningpersonswithstrongnerveswhodonotunderstandacertainrefinementofprazer
enjoyment.Thoughincertaincircumstancesthesegentlemenbellowtheirloudestlikebulls,thoughthis,letussuppose,doesthemthegreatestcredit,yet,asIhavesaidalready,confrontedwiththeimpossibletheysubsideatonce.
Theimpossiblemeansthestonewall!
Whatstonewall?
Why,ofcourse,thelawsofnature,thedeductionsofnaturalscience,mathematics.