Notes from the Underground | Gradually Hardening Portuguese B2 Books

Notes from the Underground | Gradually Hardening Portuguese B2 Books

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I
Iamasickman....
Iamaspitefulman.
Iamanunattractiveman.
Ibelievemy
fígado
liver
isdiseased.
However,Iknownothingatallaboutmydisease,anddonotknowforcertainwhatailsme.
Idon’tconsultadoctorforit,andneverhave,thoughIhavearespectformedicineanddoctors.
Besides,Iamextremely
supersticioso
superstitious
,sufficientlysotorespectmedicine,anyway(Iamwell-educatedenoughnottobe
supersticioso
superstitious
,butIamsuperstitious).
No,Irefuseto
consultar
consult
adoctorfromspite.
Thatyouprobablywillnotunderstand.
Well,Iunderstandit,though.
Ofcourse,Ican’texplainwhoitis
precisamente
precisely
thatIammortifyinginthiscasebymyspite:
IamperfectlywellawarethatIcannot“payout”thedoctorsbynotconsultingthem;
IknowbetterthananyonethatbyallthisIamonly
ferir
injuring
myselfandnooneelse.
Butstill,ifIdon’t
consulto
consult
adoctoritisfromspite.
My
fígado
liver
isbad,well—letitgetworse!
Ihavebeengoingonlikethatforalongtime—twentyyears.
NowIamforty.
Iusedtobeinthegovernmentservice,butamnolonger.
Iwasaspitefulofficial.
Iwasrudeandtookpleasureinbeingso.
Ididnottakebribes,yousee,soIwasboundtofindarecompenseinthat,atleast.
(Apoorjest,butIwillnotscratchitout.
Iwroteitthinkingitwouldsoundvery
espirituoso
witty
;
butnowthatIhaveseenmyselfthatIonlywantedtoshowoffina
desprezível
despicable
way,Iwillnotscratchitoutonpurpose!)
WhenpetitionersusedtocomeforinformationtothetableatwhichIsat,Iusedtogrindmyteethatthem,andfelt
intenso
intense
enjoymentwhenIsucceededinmakinganybodyunhappy.
Ialmostdidsucceed.
Forthemostparttheywerealltimidpeople—ofcourse,theywerepetitioners.
ButoftheuppishonestherewasoneofficerinparticularIcouldnot
suportar
endure
.
Hesimplywouldnotbe
humilde
humble
,andclankedhisswordinadisgustingway.
Icarriedonafeudwithhimforeighteenmonthsoverthatsword.
AtlastIgotthebetterofhim.
Heleftoffclankingit.
Thathappenedinmyyouth,though.
Butdoyouknow,gentlemen,whatwasthechiefpointaboutmyspite?
Why,thewholepoint,therealstingofitlayinthefactthat
continuamente
continually
,eveninthemomentoftheacutestspleen,Iwasinwardly
consciente
conscious
withshamethatIwasnotonlynotaspitefulbutnotevenanembitteredman,thatIwassimplyscaringsparrowsat
acaso
random
andamusingmyselfbyit.
Imight
espuma
foam
atthemouth,butbringmeadolltoplaywith,givemeacupofteawithsugarinit,andmaybeIshouldbeappeased.
Imightevenbe
genuinamente
genuinely
touched,thoughprobablyIshouldgrindmyteethatmyselfafterwardsandlieawakeatnightwithshameformonthsafter.
Thatwasmyway.
IwaslyingwhenIsaidjustnowthatIwasaspitefulofficial.
Iwaslyingfrom
despeito
spite
.
Iwassimplyamusingmyselfwiththepetitionersandwiththeofficer,andinrealityInevercouldbecomespiteful.
Iwas
consciente
conscious
everymomentinmyselfofmany,verymanyelementsabsolutelyoppositetothat.
Ifeltthem
positivamente
positively
swarminginme,theseoppositeelements.
Iknewthattheyhadbeenswarminginmeallmylifeand
ansiavam
craving
someoutletfromme,butIwouldnotletthem,wouldnotletthem,
propositadamente
purposely
wouldnotletthemcomeout.
TheytormentedmetillIwasashamed:
theydrovemetoconvulsionsand—sickenedme,atlast,howtheysickenedme!
Now,arenotyoufancying,gentlemen,thatIamexpressing
remorso
remorse
forsomethingnow,thatIamaskingyour
perdão
forgiveness
forsomething?
Iamsureyouarefancyingthat...
However,I
garanto
assure
youIdonotcareifyouare....
ItwasnotonlythatIcouldnotbecomespiteful,Ididnotknowhowtobecomeanything;
neitherspitefulnorkind,neitherarascalnoranhonestman,neitheraheronoran
inseto
insect
.
Now,Iamlivingoutmylifeinmycorner,tauntingmyselfwiththespitefulanduseless
consolo
consolation
thatanintelligentmancannotbecomeanythingseriously,anditisonlythefoolwhobecomesanything.
Yes,amaninthenineteenthcenturymustand
moralmente
morally
oughttobepre-eminentlyacharacterlesscreature;
amanofcharacter,an
ativo
active
manispre-eminentlyalimitedcreature.
Thatismy
convicção
conviction
offortyyears.
Iamfortyyearsoldnow,andyouknowfortyyearsisawholelifetime;
youknowitis
extrema
extreme
oldage.
Tolivelongerthanfortyyearsisbadmanners,is
vulgar
vulgar
,immoral.
Whodoeslivebeyondforty?
Answerthat,sincerelyandhonestlyIwilltellyouwhodo:
foolsandworthlessfellows.
Itellalloldmenthattotheirface,allthesevenerableoldmen,allthesesilver-hairedandreverendseniors!
Itellthewholeworldthattoitsface!
Ihavearighttosayso,forIshallgoonlivingtosixtymyself.
Toseventy!
Toeighty!
Stay,letmetakebreath...
Youimaginenodoubt,gentlemen,thatIwantto
divertir
amuse
you.
Youaremistakeninthat,too.
Iambynomeanssuchamirthfulpersonasyouimagine,orasyoumayimagine;
however,
irritado
irritated
byallthisbabble(andIfeelthatyouare
irritado
irritated)
youthinkfittoaskmewhoIam—thenmyansweris,Iamacollegiateassessor.
IwasintheservicethatImighthavesomethingtoeat(andsolelyforthatreason),andwhenlastyeara
distante
distant
relationleftmesixthousandroublesinhiswillIimmediately
aposentou
retired
fromtheserviceandsettleddowninmycorner.
Iusedtoliveinthiscornerbefore,butnowIhavesettleddowninit.
Myroomisa
miserável
wretched
,horridoneintheoutskirtsofthetown.
Myservantisanoldcountry-woman,ill-naturedfrom
estupidez
stupidity
,and,moreover,thereisalwaysanastysmellabouther.
IamtoldthatthePetersburg
clima
climate
isbadforme,andthatwithmysmallmeansitisveryexpensivetoliveinPetersburg.
Iknowallthatbetterthanallthesesageandexperiencedcounsellorsandmonitors....
ButIamremaininginPetersburg;
IamnotgoingawayfromPetersburg!
Iamnotgoingawaybecause...
ech!
Why,itisabsolutelynomatterwhetherIamgoingawayornotgoingaway.
Butwhatcanadecentmanspeakofwithmostpleasure?
Answer:
Ofhimself.
II
Iwantnowtotellyou,gentlemen,whetheryoucaretohearitornot,whyIcouldnotevenbecomean
inseto
insect
.
Itellyousolemnly,thatIhavemanytimestriedtobecomean
inseto
insect
.
ButIwasnot
igual
equal
eventothat.
Iswear,gentlemen,thattobetoo
consciente
conscious
isanillness—arealthorough-going
doença
illness
.
Forman’severydayneeds,itwouldhavebeenquiteenoughtohavetheordinaryhuman
consciência
consciousness
,thatis,halforaquarteroftheamountwhichfallstothelotofa
cultivado
cultivated
manofourunhappynineteenthcentury,especiallyonewhohasthe
fatal
fatal
ill-lucktoinhabitPetersburg,themost
teórica
theoretical
andintentionaltownonthewholeterrestrial
globo
globe
.
(Thereareintentionalandunintentionaltowns.)
Itwouldhavebeenquiteenough,for
exemplo
instance
,tohavetheconsciousnessbywhichallso-calleddirectpersonsandmenofactionlive.
IbetyouthinkIamwritingallthisfromaffectation,tobe
espirituoso
witty
attheexpenseofmenofaction;
andwhatismore,thatfromill-bredaffectation,Iamclankingaswordlikemyofficer.
But,gentlemen,whoevercanpridehimselfonhisdiseasesandevenswaggeroverthem?
Though,afterall,everyonedoesdothat;
peopledopridethemselvesontheirdiseases,andIdo,maybe,morethananyone.
Wewillnotdisputeit;
mycontentionwasabsurd.
ButyetIam
firmemente
firmly
persuadedthatagreatdealof
consciência
consciousness
,everysortofconsciousness,infact,isadisease.
Isticktothat.
Letusleavethat,too,foraminute.
Tellmethis:
whydoesithappenthatatthevery,yes,attheverymomentswhenIammostcapableoffeelingeveryrefinementofallthatis“sublimeandbeautiful,”astheyusedtosayatonetime,itwould,asthoughofdesign,happentomenotonlytofeelbuttodosuchuglythings,suchthat...
Well,inshort,actionsthatall,perhaps,commit;
butwhich,asthoughpurposely,
ocorreu
occurred
tomeattheverytimewhenIwasmost
consciente
conscious
thattheyoughtnottobecommitted.
Themore
consciente
conscious
Iwasofgoodnessandofallthatwas“sublimeandbeautiful,”themoredeeplyIsankintomymireandthemorereadyIwasto
afundar
sink
initaltogether.
Butthechiefpointwasthatallthiswas,asitwere,not
acidental
accidental
inme,butasthoughitwereboundtobeso.
Itwasasthoughitweremymostnormalcondition,andnotintheleastdiseaseordepravity,sothatatlastalldesireinmetostruggleagainstthisdepravitypassed.
Itendedbymyalmostbelieving(perhapsactuallybelieving)thatthiswasperhapsmynormalcondition.
Butatfirst,inthebeginning,whatagoniesI
suportei
endured
inthatstruggle!
Ididnotbelieveitwasthesamewithotherpeople,andallmylifeIhidthisfactaboutmyselfasasecret.
Iwasashamed(evennow,perhaps,Iamashamed):
Igottothepointoffeelingasortofsecret
anormal
abnormal
,despicableenjoymentinreturninghometomycorneronsomedisgustingPetersburgnight,acutely
consciente
conscious
thatthatdayIhadcommittedaloathsomeactionagain,thatwhatwasdonecouldneverbe
desfeito
undone
,andsecretly,inwardlygnawing,gnawingatmyselfforit,tearingand
consumindo
consuming
myselftillatlastthe
amargura
bitterness
turnedintoasortofshamefulaccursedsweetness,andatlast—intopositivereal
prazer
enjoyment
!
Yes,intoenjoyment,into
prazer
enjoyment
!
Iinsistuponthat.
IhavespokenofthisbecauseIkeepwantingtoknowforafactwhetherotherpeoplefeelsuch
prazer
enjoyment
?
Iwillexplain;
the
prazer
enjoyment
wasjustfromthetoointense
consciência
consciousness
ofone’sowndegradation;
itwasfromfeelingoneselfthatonehadreachedthelast
barreira
barrier
,thatitwashorrible,butthatitcouldnotbeotherwise;
thattherewasnoescapeforyou;
thatyounevercouldbecomeadifferentman;
thateveniftimeandfaithwerestillleftyoutochangeintosomethingdifferentyouwouldmostlikelynotwishtochange;
orifyoudidwishto,eventhenyouwoulddonothing;
becauseperhapsinrealitytherewasnothingforyoutochangeinto.
Andtheworstofitwas,andthe
raiz
root
ofitall,thatitwasallin
acordo
accord
withthenormalfundamentallawsofover-acute
consciência
consciousness
,andwiththeinertiathatwasthedirectresultofthoselaws,andthatconsequentlyonewasnotonly
incapaz
unable
tochangebutcoulddoabsolutelynothing.
Thusitwouldfollow,astheresultof
aguda
acute
consciousness,thatoneisnottoblameinbeinga
canalha
scoundrel
;
asthoughthatwereany
consolo
consolation
tothescoundreloncehehascometo
percebeu
realise
thatheactuallyisa
canalha
scoundrel
.
Butenough....
Ech,Ihavetalkedalotofnonsense,butwhathaveIexplained?
Howis
prazer
enjoyment
inthistobeexplained?
ButIwillexplainit.
Iwillgettothebottomofit!
ThatiswhyIhavetakenupmypen....
I,for
exemplo
instance
,haveagreatdealofamourpropre.
Iamas
desconfiado
suspicious
andpronetotakeoffenceasahumpbackora
anão
dwarf
.
ButuponmywordIsometimeshavehadmomentswhenifIhadhappenedtobeslappedinthefaceIshould,perhaps,havebeen
positivamente
positively
gladofit.
Isay,in
sério
earnest
,thatIshouldprobablyhavebeenableto
descobrir
discover
eveninthata
peculiar
peculiar
sortofenjoyment—theenjoyment,ofcourse,of
desespero
despair
;
butindespairtherearethemostintenseenjoyments,especiallywhenoneisveryacutelyconsciousofthehopelessnessofone’sposition.
Andwhenoneis
esbofeteado
slapped
intheface—whythenthe
consciência
consciousness
ofbeingrubbedintoa
polpa
pulp
wouldpositivelyoverwhelmone.
Theworstofitis,lookatitwhichwayonewill,itstillturnsoutthatIwasalwaysthemosttoblameineverything.
Andwhatismosthumiliatingofall,toblamefornofaultofmyownbut,sotosay,throughthelawsofnature.
Inthefirstplace,toblamebecauseIamclevererthananyofthepeople
rodeiam
surrounding
me.
(Ihavealwaysconsideredmyselfclevererthananyofthepeople
rodeiam
surrounding
me,andsometimes,wouldyoubelieveit,havebeenpositivelyashamedofit.
Atanyrate,Ihaveallmylife,asitwere,turnedmyeyesawayandnevercouldlookpeoplestraightintheface.)
Toblame,finally,becauseevenifIhadhadmagnanimity,Ishouldonlyhavehadmoresufferingfromthesenseofitsuselessness.
Ishouldcertainlyhaveneverbeenabletodoanythingfrombeingmagnanimous—neithertoforgive,formyassailantwouldperhapshaveslappedmefromthelawsofnature,andonecannotforgivethelawsofnature;
nortoforget,forevenifitwereowingtothelawsofnature,itis
insulto
insulting
allthesame.
Finally,evenifIhadwantedtobeanythingbutmagnanimous,haddesiredonthe
contrário
contrary
torevengemyselfonmyassailant,IcouldnothaverevengedmyselfonanyoneforanythingbecauseIshouldcertainlyneverhavemadeupmymindtodoanything,evenifIhadbeenableto.
WhyshouldInothavemadeupmymind?
III
Withpeoplewhoknowhowtorevengethemselvesandtostandupforthemselvesingeneral,howisitdone?
Why,whentheyarepossessed,letussuppose,bythefeelingofrevenge,thenforthetimethereisnothingelsebutthatfeelingleftintheirwholebeing.
Suchagentlemansimplydashesstraightforhisobjectlikeaninfuriatedbullwithitshornsdown,andnothingbutawallwillstophim.
(Bytheway:
facingthewall,suchgentlemen—thatis,the“direct”personsandmenofaction—are
genuinamente
genuinely
nonplussed.
Forthemawallisnotanevasion,asforuspeoplewhothinkandconsequentlydonothing;
itisnotanexcuseforturningaside,anexcuseforwhichwearealwaysveryglad,thoughwe
dificilmente
scarcely
believeinitourselves,asarule.
No,theyarenonplussedinall
sinceridade
sincerity
.
Thewallhasforthemsomethingtranquillising,
moralmente
morally
soothing,final—maybeevensomething
misterioso
mysterious
...
butofthewalllater.)
Well,suchadirectpersonI
considero
regard
astherealnormalman,ashis
terna
tender
mothernaturewishedtoseehimwhenshegraciouslybroughthimintobeingontheearth.
I
invejo
envy
suchamantillIamgreenintheface.
Heisstupid.
Iamnotdisputingthat,butperhapsthenormalmanshouldbestupid,howdoyouknow?
Perhapsitisverybeautiful,infact.
AndIamthemore
convencido
persuaded
ofthatsuspicion,ifonecancallitso,bythefactthatifyoutake,for
exemplo
instance
,theantithesisofthenormalman,thatis,themanof
aguda
acute
consciousness,whohascome,ofcourse,notoutofthe
colo
lap
ofnaturebutoutofaretort(thisisalmostmysticism,gentlemen,butIsuspectthis,too),thisretort-mademanissometimessononplussedinthepresenceofhisantithesisthatwithallhisexaggerated
consciência
consciousness
hegenuinelythinksofhimselfasamouseandnotaman.
Itmaybeanacutely
consciente
conscious
mouse,yetitisamouse,whiletheotherisaman,andtherefore,etcaetera,etcaetera.
Andtheworstofitis,hehimself,hisveryownself,looksonhimselfasamouse;
nooneaskshimtodoso;
andthatisanimportantpoint.
Nowletuslookatthismouseinaction.
Letussuppose,for
exemplo
instance
,thatitfeelsinsulted,too(anditalmostalwaysdoesfeel
insultado
insulted)
,andwantstorevengeitself,too.
Theremayevenbeagreateraccumulationofspiteinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.
Thebaseandnastydesiretoventthatspiteonitsassailantranklesperhapsevenmorenastilyinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.
Forthroughhisinnate
estupidez
stupidity
thelatterlooksuponhisrevengeasjusticepureandsimple;
whileinconsequenceofhis
aguda
acute
consciousnessthemousedoesnotbelieveinthejusticeofit.
Tocomeatlasttothedeeditself,totheveryactofrevenge.
Apartfromtheone
fundamental
fundamental
nastinessthelucklessmousesucceedsincreatingarounditsomanyothernastinessesintheformofdoubtsandquestions,addstotheonequestionsomanyunsettledquestionsthatthere
inevitavelmente
inevitably
worksuparounditasortof
fatal
fatal
brew,astinkingmess,madeupofitsdoubts,emotions,andofthe
desprezo
contempt
spatuponitbythedirectmenofactionwhostand
solenemente
solemnly
aboutitasjudgesandarbitrators,laughingatittilltheirhealthysides
doem
ache
.
Ofcoursetheonlythingleftforitisto
descartar
dismiss
allthatwithawaveofits
pata
paw
,and,withasmileofassumed
desprezo
contempt
inwhichitdoesnotevenitselfbelieve,
rastejando
creep
ignominiouslyintoitsmouse-hole.
Thereinitsnasty,stinking,
subterrâneo
underground
homeourinsulted,crushedand
ridicularizado
ridiculed
mousepromptlybecomesabsorbedincold,
maligno
malignant
and,aboveall,everlastingspite.
Forfortyyearstogetheritwillrememberits
lesão
injury
downtothesmallest,mostignominiousdetails,andeverytimewilladd,ofitself,detailsstillmoreignominious,spitefully
provocando
teasing
andtormentingitselfwithitsownimagination.
Itwillitselfbeashamedofitsimaginings,butyetitwill
lembrar
recall
itall,itwillgooverandoverevery
detalhe
detail
,itwillinventunheardofthingsagainstitself,pretendingthatthosethingsmighthappen,andwillforgivenothing.
Maybeitwillbegintorevengeitself,too,but,asitwere,piecemeal,intrivialways,frombehindthe
fogão
stove
,incognito,withoutbelievingeitherinitsownrighttovengeance,orinthesuccessofitsrevenge,knowingthatfromallitseffortsatrevengeitwillsufferahundredtimesmorethanheonwhomitrevengesitself,whilehe,Idaresay,willnotevenscratchhimself.
Onitsdeathbeditwill
lembrar
recall
italloveragain,withinterestaccumulatedoveralltheyearsand...
Butitisjustinthatcold,
abominável
abominable
halfdespair,halfbelief,inthat
consciente
conscious
buryingoneselfalivefor
dor
grief
intheunderworldforfortyyears,inthatacutely
reconhecido
recognised
andyetpartlydoubtfulhopelessnessofone’sposition,inthathellofunsatisfieddesiresturnedinward,inthatfeverofoscillations,ofresolutionsdeterminedforeverandrepentedofagainaminutelater—thatthesavourofthatstrange
gozo
enjoyment
ofwhichIhavespokenlies.
Itisso
sutil
subtle
,sodifficultofanalysis,thatpersonswhoarealittlelimited,orevensimplypersonsofstrongnerves,willnotunderstandasingle
átomo
atom
ofit.
“Possibly,”youwilladdonyourownaccountwitha
sorriso
grin
,“peoplewillnotunderstanditeitherwhohaveneverreceiveda
bofetada
slap
intheface,”andinthatwayyouwill
educadamente
politely
hinttomethatI,too,perhaps,havehadtheexperienceofa
bofetada
slap
inthefaceinmylife,andsoIspeakasonewhoknows.
Ibetthatyouarethinkingthat.
Butsetyourmindsatrest,gentlemen,Ihavenotreceiveda
tapa
slap
intheface,thoughitisabsolutelyamatterof
indiferença
indifference
tomewhatyoumaythinkaboutit.
Possibly,Ievenregret,myself,thatIhavegivensofewslapsinthefaceduringmylife.
Butenough...
notanotherwordonthatsubjectofsuch
extremo
extreme
interesttoyou.
Iwillcontinue
calmamente
calmly
concerningpersonswithstrongnerveswhodonotunderstandacertainrefinementof
prazer
enjoyment
.
Thoughincertaincircumstancesthesegentlemenbellowtheirloudestlikebulls,thoughthis,letussuppose,doesthemthegreatestcredit,yet,asIhavesaidalready,confrontedwiththeimpossibletheysubsideatonce.
Theimpossiblemeansthestonewall!
Whatstonewall?
Why,ofcourse,thelawsofnature,thedeductionsofnaturalscience,mathematics.