Notes from the Underground | Progressively Translated Portuguese A2 Books

Notes from the Underground | Progressively Translated Portuguese A2 Books

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I
Iamasickman....
Iamaspitefulman.
Iamanunattractiveman.
Ibelievemyliverisdiseased.
No entanto
However
,Iknownothingatallaboutmydisease,anddonotknowforcertainwhatailsme.
Idon’tconsultadoctorforit,andneverhave,thoughIhavea
respeito
respect
formedicineanddoctors.
Além
Besides
,Iamextremelysuperstitious,sufficientlysoto
respeitar
respect
medicine,anyway(Iamwell-educatedenoughnottobesuperstitious,butIamsuperstitious).
No,Irefusetoconsultadoctorfromspite.
Thatyouprobablywillnotunderstand.
Well,Iunderstandit,though.
Ofcourse,Ican’t
explicar
explain
whoitispreciselythatIammortifyinginthiscasebymyspite:
IamperfectlywellawarethatIcannot“payout”thedoctorsbynotconsultingthem;
IknowbetterthananyonethatbyallthisIamonlyinjuringmyselfandnooneelse.
Butstill,ifIdon’tconsultadoctoritisfromspite.
Myliverisbad,well—letitgetworse!
Ihavebeengoingonlikethatforalongtime—twentyyears.
NowIamforty.
Iusedtobeinthe
governo
government
service,butamnolonger.
Iwasaspitefulofficial.
Iwasrudeandtook
prazer
pleasure
inbeingso.
Ididnottakebribes,yousee,soIwasboundtofindarecompenseinthat,atleast.
(Apoorjest,butIwillnotscratchitout.
Iwroteitthinkingitwouldsoundverywitty;
butnowthatIhaveseenmyselfthatIonlywantedtoshowoffinadespicableway,Iwillnotscratchitoutonpurpose!)
Whenpetitionersusedtocomefor
informações
information
tothetableatwhichIsat,Iusedtogrindmyteethatthem,andfeltintenseenjoymentwhenIsucceededinmakinganybodyunhappy.
Ialmostdidsucceed.
Forthemostparttheywerealltimidpeople—ofcourse,theywerepetitioners.
Butoftheuppishonestherewasone
oficial
officer
inparticularIcouldnotendure.
He
simplesmente
simply
wouldnotbehumble,andclankedhisswordinadisgustingway.
Icarriedonafeudwithhimforeighteenmonthsoverthatsword.
AtlastIgotthebetterofhim.
Heleftoffclankingit.
Thathappenedinmyyouth,though.
Butdoyouknow,gentlemen,whatwasthe
principal
chief
pointaboutmyspite?
Why,thewholepoint,therealstingofitlayinthefactthatcontinually,eveninthemomentoftheacutestspleen,Iwasinwardlyconsciouswith
vergonha
shame
thatIwasnotonlynotaspitefulbutnotevenanembitteredman,thatIwas
simplesmente
simply
scaringsparrowsatrandomandamusingmyselfbyit.
Imightfoamatthe
boca
mouth
,butbringmeadolltoplaywith,givemea
chávena
cup
ofteawithsugarinit,andmaybeIshouldbeappeased.
Imightevenbegenuinelytouched,thoughprobablyIshouldgrindmyteethatmyselfafterwardsandlieawakeatnightwith
vergonha
shame
formonthsafter.
Thatwasmyway.
IwaslyingwhenIsaidjustnowthatIwasaspitefulofficial.
Iwaslyingfromspite.
Iwas
simplesmente
simply
amusingmyselfwiththepetitionersandwiththe
oficial
officer
,andinrealityInevercouldbecomespiteful.
Iwasconsciouseverymomentinmyselfofmany,verymanyelements
absolutamente
absolutely
oppositetothat.
Ifeltthempositivelyswarminginme,theseoppositeelements.
Iknewthattheyhadbeenswarminginmeallmylifeandcravingsomeoutletfromme,butIwouldnotletthem,wouldnotletthem,purposelywouldnotletthemcomeout.
TheytormentedmetillIwasashamed:
theydrovemetoconvulsionsand—sickenedme,atlast,howtheysickenedme!
Now,arenotyoufancying,gentlemen,thatIamexpressingremorseforsomethingnow,thatIamaskingyourforgivenessforsomething?
Iamsureyouarefancyingthat...
No entanto
However
,IassureyouIdonotcareifyouare....
ItwasnotonlythatIcouldnotbecomespiteful,Ididnotknowhowtobecomeanything;
neitherspitefulnorkind,neitherarascalnoran
honesto
honest
man,neitheraheronoraninsect.
Now,Iamlivingoutmylifeinmycorner,tauntingmyselfwiththespitefulanduselessconsolationthatanintelligentmancannotbecomeanything
sério
seriously
,anditisonlythefoolwhobecomesanything.
Yes,amaninthenineteenthcenturymustandmorallyoughttobepre-eminentlyacharacterlesscreature;
amanofcharacter,anactivemanispre-eminentlyalimitedcreature.
Thatismyconvictionoffortyyears.
Iamfortyyearsoldnow,andyouknowfortyyearsisawholelifetime;
youknowitisextremeoldage.
Tolivelongerthanfortyyearsisbadmanners,isvulgar,immoral.
Whodoeslivebeyondforty?
Answerthat,sincerelyandhonestlyIwilltellyouwhodo:
foolsandworthlessfellows.
Itellalloldmenthattotheirface,allthesevenerableoldmen,allthesesilver-hairedandreverendseniors!
Itellthewholeworldthattoitsface!
Ihavearighttosayso,forIshallgoonlivingtosixtymyself.
Toseventy!
Toeighty!
Stay,letmetakebreath...
You
imaginem
imagine
nodoubt,gentlemen,thatIwanttoamuseyou.
Youaremistakeninthat,too.
Iambynomeanssuchamirthfulpersonasyou
imaginar
imagine
,orasyoumay
imaginar
imagine
;
however,irritatedbyallthisbabble(andIfeelthatyouareirritated)youthinkfittoaskmewhoIam—thenmyansweris,Iamacollegiateassessor.
Iwasinthe
serviço
service
thatImighthavesomethingtoeat(andsolelyforthatreason),andwhenlastyearadistantrelationleftmesix
mil
thousand
roublesinhiswillI
imediatamente
immediately
retiredfromtheserviceandsettleddowninmycorner.
Iusedtoliveinthiscornerbefore,butnowIhavesettleddowninit.
Myroomisawretched,horridoneintheoutskirtsofthetown.
Myservantisanoldcountry-woman,ill-naturedfromstupidity,and,moreover,thereisalwaysanasty
cheiro
smell
abouther.
IamtoldthatthePetersburgclimateisbadforme,andthatwithmysmallmeansitisveryexpensivetoliveinPetersburg.
Iknowallthatbetterthanallthesesageandexperiencedcounsellorsandmonitors....
ButIamremaininginPetersburg;
IamnotgoingawayfromPetersburg!
Iamnotgoingawaybecause...
ech!
Why,itis
absolutamente
absolutely
nomatterwhetherIamgoingawayornotgoingaway.
Butwhatcanadecentmanspeakofwithmost
prazer
pleasure
?
Answer:
Ofhimself.
II
Iwantnowtotellyou,gentlemen,whetheryoucaretohearitornot,whyIcouldnotevenbecomeaninsect.
Itellyousolemnly,thatIhavemanytimestriedtobecomeaninsect.
ButIwasnotequaleventothat.
I
juro
swear
,gentlemen,thattobetooconsciousisanillness—arealthorough-goingillness.
Forman’severydayneeds,itwouldhavebeenquiteenoughtohavetheordinaryhumanconsciousness,thatis,halforaquarteroftheamountwhichfallstothelotofacultivatedmanofourunhappynineteenthcentury,
especialmente
especially
onewhohasthefatalill-lucktoinhabitPetersburg,themosttheoreticalandintentionaltownonthewholeterrestrialglobe.
(Thereareintentionalandunintentionaltowns.)
Itwouldhavebeenquiteenough,forinstance,tohavetheconsciousnessbywhichallso-calleddirectpersonsandmenof
ação
action
live.
IbetyouthinkIamwritingallthisfromaffectation,tobewittyattheexpenseofmenof
acção
action
;
andwhatismore,thatfromill-bredaffectation,Iamclankingaswordlikemy
oficial
officer
.
But,gentlemen,whoevercanpridehimselfonhisdiseasesandevenswaggeroverthem?
Though,afterall,everyonedoesdothat;
peopledopridethemselvesontheirdiseases,andIdo,maybe,morethananyone.
Wewillnotdisputeit;
mycontentionwasabsurd.
ButyetIamfirmlypersuadedthatagreatdealofconsciousness,everysortofconsciousness,infact,isadisease.
Isticktothat.
Letusleavethat,too,foraminute.
Tellmethis:
whydoesithappenthatatthevery,yes,attheverymomentswhenIammostcapableoffeelingeveryrefinementofallthatis“sublimeandbeautiful,”astheyusedtosayatonetime,itwould,asthoughofdesign,happentomenotonlytofeelbuttodosuchuglythings,suchthat...
Well,inshort,actionsthatall,perhaps,commit;
butwhich,asthoughpurposely,occurredtomeattheverytimewhenIwasmostconsciousthattheyoughtnottobecommitted.
ThemoreconsciousIwasofgoodnessandofallthatwas“sublimeandbeautiful,”themoredeeplyIsankintomymireandthemorereadyIwastosinkinitaltogether.
Butthe
principal
chief
pointwasthatallthiswas,asitwere,notaccidentalinme,butasthoughitwereboundtobeso.
Itwasasthoughitweremymost
normal
normal
condition,andnotintheleastdiseaseordepravity,sothatatlastalldesireinmetostruggleagainstthisdepravity
passou
passed
.
Itendedbymyalmostbelieving(perhapsactuallybelieving)thatthiswasperhapsmy
normal
normal
condition.
Butatfirst,inthe
começo
beginning
,whatagoniesIenduredinthatstruggle!
Ididnotbelieveitwasthesamewithotherpeople,andallmylifeI
escondi
hid
thisfactaboutmyselfasa
segredo
secret
.
Iwasashamed(evennow,perhaps,Iamashamed):
Igottothepointoffeelingasortof
secreto
secret
abnormal,despicableenjoymentinreturninghometomycorneronsomedisgustingPetersburgnight,acutelyconsciousthatthatdayIhadcommittedaloathsome
ação
action
again,thatwhatwasdonecouldneverbeundone,andsecretly,inwardlygnawing,gnawingatmyselfforit,tearingandconsumingmyselftillatlastthebitternessturnedintoasortofshamefulaccursedsweetness,andatlast—intopositiverealenjoyment!
Yes,intoenjoyment,intoenjoyment!
Iinsistuponthat.
IhavespokenofthisbecauseIkeepwantingtoknowforafact
se
whether
otherpeoplefeelsuchenjoyment?
Iwill
explicarei
explain
;
theenjoymentwasjustfromthetoointenseconsciousnessofone’sowndegradation;
itwasfromfeelingoneselfthatonehadreachedthelastbarrier,thatitwashorrible,butthatitcouldnotbeotherwise;
thattherewasnoescapeforyou;
thatyounevercouldbecomeadifferentman;
thateveniftimeand
faith
werestillleftyoutochangeintosomethingdifferentyouwouldmostlikelynotwishtochange;
orifyoudidwishto,eventhenyouwoulddonothing;
becauseperhapsinrealitytherewasnothingforyoutochangeinto.
Andthe
pior
worst
ofitwas,andtherootofitall,thatitwasallinaccordwiththenormalfundamentallawsofover-acuteconsciousness,andwiththeinertiathatwasthedirectresultofthoselaws,andthatconsequentlyonewasnotonlyunabletochangebutcoulddo
absolutamente
absolutely
nothing.
Thusitwouldfollow,astheresultofacuteconsciousness,thatoneisnotto
culpar
blame
inbeingascoundrel;
asthoughthatwereanyconsolationtothescoundreloncehehascometorealisethatheactuallyisascoundrel.
Butenough....
Ech,Ihavetalkedalotofnonsense,butwhathaveI
expliquei
explained
?
Howisenjoymentinthistobe
explicar
explained
?
ButIwillexplainit.
Iwillgettothebottomofit!
ThatiswhyIhavetakenupmypen....
I,forinstance,haveagreatdealofamourpropre.
Iamassuspiciousandpronetotakeoffenceasahumpbackoradwarf.
ButuponmywordIsometimeshavehadmomentswhenifIhadhappenedtobeslappedinthefaceIshould,perhaps,havebeenpositively
feliz
glad
ofit.
Isay,inearnest,thatIshouldprobablyhavebeenabletodiscovereveninthatapeculiarsortofenjoyment—theenjoyment,ofcourse,ofdespair;
butindespairtherearethemostintenseenjoyments,
especialmente
especially
whenoneisveryacutelyconsciousofthehopelessnessofone’s
posição
position
.
Andwhenoneisslappedintheface—whythentheconsciousnessofbeingrubbedintoapulpwouldpositivelyoverwhelmone.
The
pior
worst
ofitis,lookatitwhichwayonewill,itstillturnsoutthatIwasalwaysthemostto
culpado
blame
ineverything.
Andwhatismosthumiliatingofall,toblamefornofaultofmyownbut,sotosay,throughthelawsof
natureza
nature
.
Inthefirstplace,to
culpar
blame
becauseIamclevererthananyofthepeoplesurroundingme.
(Ihavealwaysconsideredmyselfclevererthananyofthepeoplesurroundingme,andsometimes,wouldyoubelieveit,havebeenpositivelyashamedofit.
Atanyrate,Ihaveallmylife,asitwere,turnedmyeyesawayandnevercouldlookpeoplestraightintheface.)
To
culpa
blame
,finally,becauseevenifIhadhadmagnanimity,Ishouldonlyhavehadmoresufferingfromthe
sensação
sense
ofitsuselessness.
Ishould
certamente
certainly
haveneverbeenabletodoanythingfrombeingmagnanimous—neitherto
perdoar
forgive
,formyassailantwouldperhapshaveslappedmefromthelawsof
natureza
nature
,andonecannotforgivethelawsof
natureza
nature
;
nortoforget,forevenifitwere
devido
owing
tothelawsof
natureza
nature
,itisinsultingallthesame.
Finally,evenifIhadwantedtobeanythingbutmagnanimous,haddesiredonthecontrarytorevengemyselfonmyassailant,IcouldnothaverevengedmyselfonanyoneforanythingbecauseIshould
certamente
certainly
neverhavemadeupmymindtodoanything,evenifIhadbeenableto.
WhyshouldInothavemadeupmymind?
III
Withpeoplewhoknowhowtorevengethemselvesandtostandupforthemselvesin
geral
general
,howisitdone?
Why,whentheyarepossessed,letus
suponha
suppose
,bythefeelingofrevenge,thenforthetimethereisnothingelsebutthatfeelingleftintheirwholebeing.
Suchagentleman
simplesmente
simply
dashesstraightforhisobjectlikeaninfuriatedbullwithitshornsdown,andnothingbuta
parede
wall
willstophim.
(Bytheway:
facingthe
parede
wall
,suchgentlemen—thatis,the“direct”personsandmenofaction—aregenuinelynonplussed.
Forthema
muro
wall
isnotanevasion,asforuspeoplewhothinkandconsequentlydonothing;
itisnotanexcuseforturningaside,anexcuseforwhichwearealwaysveryglad,thoughwescarcelybelieveinitourselves,asa
regra
rule
.
No,theyarenonplussedinallsincerity.
The
muro
wall
hasforthemsomethingtranquillising,morallysoothing,final—maybeevensomethingmysterious...
butofthe
parede
wall
later.)
Well,suchadirectpersonIregardasthereal
normal
normal
man,ashistendermother
natureza
nature
wishedtoseehimwhenshegraciouslybroughthimintobeingontheearth.
IenvysuchamantillIam
verde
green
intheface.
Heisstupid.
Iamnotdisputingthat,butperhapsthe
normal
normal
manshouldbestupid,howdoyouknow?
Perhapsitisverybeautiful,infact.
AndIamthemorepersuadedofthatsuspicion,ifonecancallitso,bythefactthatifyoutake,forinstance,theantithesisofthe
normal
normal
man,thatis,themanofacuteconsciousness,whohascome,ofcourse,notoutofthelapof
natureza
nature
butoutofaretort(thisisalmostmysticism,gentlemen,butIsuspectthis,too),thisretort-mademanissometimessononplussedinthepresenceofhisantithesisthatwithallhisexaggeratedconsciousnesshegenuinelythinksofhimselfasamouseandnotaman.
Itmaybeanacutelyconsciousmouse,yetitisamouse,whiletheotherisaman,andtherefore,etcaetera,etcaetera.
Andthe
pior
worst
ofitis,hehimself,hisveryownself,looksonhimselfasamouse;
nooneaskshimtodoso;
andthatisanimportantpoint.
Nowletuslookatthismousein
ação
action
.
Letussuppose,forinstance,thatitfeelsinsulted,too(anditalmostalwaysdoesfeelinsulted),andwantstorevengeitself,too.
Theremayevenbeagreateraccumulationofspiteinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.
Thebaseandnastydesiretoventthatspiteonitsassailantranklesperhapsevenmorenastilyinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.
Forthroughhisinnatestupiditythelatterlooksuponhisrevengeasjusticepureand
simples
simple
;
whileinconsequenceofhisacuteconsciousnessthemousedoesnotbelieveinthejusticeofit.
Tocomeatlasttothedeeditself,totheveryactofrevenge.
Além
Apart
fromtheonefundamentalnastinessthelucklessmousesucceedsincreatingarounditsomanyothernastinessesinthe
forma
form
ofdoubtsandquestions,addstotheonequestionsomanyunsettledquestionsthatthereinevitablyworksuparounditasortoffatalbrew,astinking
bagunça
mess
,madeupofitsdoubts,emotions,andofthecontemptspatuponitbythedirectmenof
ação
action
whostandsolemnlyaboutitasjudgesandarbitrators,
rindo
laughing
atittilltheirhealthysidesache.
Ofcoursetheonlythingleftforitistodismissallthatwithawaveofitspaw,and,witha
sorriso
smile
ofassumedcontemptinwhichitdoesnotevenitselfbelieve,creepignominiouslyintoitsmouse-hole.
Thereinitsnasty,stinking,undergroundhomeourinsulted,crushedandridiculedmousepromptlybecomesabsorbedincold,malignantand,
acima
above
all,everlastingspite.
Forfortyyearstogetheritwillrememberitsinjurydowntothesmallest,mostignominiousdetails,andeverytimewilladd,ofitself,detailsstillmoreignominious,spitefullyteasingandtormentingitselfwithitsownimagination.
Itwillitselfbeashamedofitsimaginings,butyetitwillrecallitall,itwillgooverandovereverydetail,itwillinventunheardofthingsagainstitself,pretendingthatthosethingsmighthappen,andwill
perdoará
forgive
nothing.
Maybeitwill
comece
begin
torevengeitself,too,but,asitwere,piecemeal,intrivialways,frombehindthestove,incognito,withoutbelievingeitherinitsownrighttovengeance,orinthesuccessofitsrevenge,knowingthatfromallitseffortsatrevengeitwillsuffera
cem
hundred
timesmorethanheonwhomitrevengesitself,whilehe,Idaresay,willnotevenscratchhimself.
Onitsdeathbeditwillrecallitalloveragain,with
juros
interest
accumulatedoveralltheyearsand...
Butitisjustinthatcold,abominablehalfdespair,halfbelief,inthatconsciousburyingoneselfaliveforgriefintheunderworldforfortyyears,inthatacutelyrecognisedandyetpartlydoubtfulhopelessnessofone’s
posição
position
,inthathellofunsatisfieddesiresturnedinward,inthatfeverofoscillations,ofresolutionsdeterminedforeverandrepentedofagainaminutelater—thatthesavourofthat
estranho
strange
enjoymentofwhichIhavespokenlies.
Itissosubtle,so
difícil
difficult
ofanalysis,thatpersonswhoarealittlelimited,oreven
simplesmente
simply
personsofstrongnerves,willnotunderstanda
único
single
atomofit.
“Possibly,”youwilladdonyourownaccountwithagrin,“peoplewillnotunderstanditeitherwhohaveneverreceivedaslapintheface,”andinthatwayyouwillpolitelyhinttomethatI,too,perhaps,havehadthe
experiência
experience
ofaslapinthefaceinmylife,andsoIspeakasonewhoknows.
I
aposto
bet
thatyouarethinkingthat.
Butsetyourmindsatrest,gentlemen,Ihavenotreceivedaslapintheface,thoughitis
absolutamente
absolutely
amatterofindifferencetomewhatyoumaythinkaboutit.
Possibly,Ievenregret,myself,thatIhavegivensofewslapsintheface
durante
during
mylife.
Butenough...
notanotherwordonthatsubjectofsuchextreme
interesse
interest
toyou.
Iwill
continuarei
continue
calmlyconcerningpersonswithstrongnerveswhodonotunderstanda
certo
certain
refinementofenjoyment.
Thoughin
certas
certain
circumstancesthesegentlemenbellowtheirloudestlikebulls,thoughthis,letus
suponha
suppose
,doesthemthegreatestcredit,yet,asIhavesaidalready,confrontedwiththe
impossível
impossible
theysubsideatonce.
The
impossível
impossible
meansthestonewall!
Whatstone
parede
wall
?
Why,ofcourse,thelawsof
natureza
nature
,thedeductionsofnaturalscience,mathematics.