Notes from the Underground | Gradually Hardening Norwegian B2

Notes from the Underground | Gradually Hardening Norwegian B2

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I
Iamasickman....
Iamaspitefulman.
Iamanunattractiveman.
Ibelievemy
leveren
liver
isdiseased.
However,Iknownothingatallaboutmydisease,anddonotknowforcertainwhatailsme.
Idon’t
konsulterer
consult
adoctorforit,andneverhave,thoughIhavearespectformedicineanddoctors.
Besides,Iamextremely
overtroisk
superstitious
,sufficientlysotorespectmedicine,anyway(Iamwell-educatedenoughnottobe
overtroisk
superstitious
,butIamsuperstitious).
No,Irefuseto
konsultere
consult
adoctorfromspite.
Thatyouprobablywillnotunderstand.
Well,Iunderstandit,though.
Ofcourse,Ican’texplainwhoitis
nøyaktig
precisely
thatIammortifyinginthiscasebymyspite:
IamperfectlywellawarethatIcannot“payout”thedoctorsbynot
konsultere
consulting
them;
IknowbetterthananyonethatbyallthisIamonly
skader
injuring
myselfandnooneelse.
Butstill,ifIdon’t
konsulterer
consult
adoctoritisfromspite.
My
leveren
liver
isbad,well—letitgetworse!
Ihavebeengoingonlikethatforalongtime—twentyyears.
NowIamforty.
Iusedtobeinthegovernmentservice,butamnolonger.
Iwasaspitefulofficial.
Iwasrudeandtookpleasureinbeingso.
Ididnottakebribes,yousee,soIwasboundtofindarecompenseinthat,atleast.
(Apoorjest,butIwillnotscratchitout.
Iwroteitthinkingitwouldsoundvery
vittig
witty
;
butnowthatIhaveseenmyselfthatIonlywantedtoshowoffinadespicableway,Iwillnotscratchitoutonpurpose!)
WhenpetitionersusedtocomeforinformationtothetableatwhichIsat,Iusedtogrindmyteethatthem,andfelt
intens
intense
enjoymentwhenIsucceededinmakinganybodyunhappy.
Ialmostdid
lyktes
succeed
.
Forthemostparttheywerealltimidpeople—ofcourse,theywerepetitioners.
ButoftheuppishonestherewasoneofficerinparticularIcouldnot
tåle
endure
.
Hesimplywouldnotbe
ydmyk
humble
,andclankedhisswordinadisgustingway.
Icarriedonafeudwithhimforeighteenmonthsoverthatsword.
AtlastIgotthebetterofhim.
Heleftoffclankingit.
Thathappenedinmyyouth,though.
Butdoyouknow,gentlemen,whatwasthechiefpointaboutmyspite?
Why,thewholepoint,therealstingofitlayinthefactthat
kontinuerlig
continually
,eveninthemomentoftheacutestspleen,Iwasinwardly
bevisst
conscious
withshamethatIwasnotonlynotaspitefulbutnotevenanembitteredman,thatIwassimplyscaringsparrowsat
tilfeldig
random
andamusingmyselfbyit.
Imight
skum
foam
atthemouth,butbringmeadolltoplaywith,givemeacupofteawithsugarinit,andmaybeIshouldbeappeased.
Imightevenbe
oppriktig
genuinely
touched,thoughprobablyIshouldgrindmyteethatmyselfafterwardsandlieawakeatnightwithshameformonthsafter.
Thatwasmyway.
IwaslyingwhenIsaidjustnowthatIwasaspitefulofficial.
Iwaslyingfromspite.
Iwassimplyamusingmyselfwiththepetitionersandwiththeofficer,andinrealityInevercouldbecomespiteful.
Iwas
bevisst
conscious
everymomentinmyselfofmany,verymanyelementsabsolutelyoppositetothat.
Ifeltthem
positivt
positively
swarminginme,theseoppositeelements.
Iknewthattheyhadbeenswarminginmeallmylifeandcravingsome
utløp
outlet
fromme,butIwouldnotletthem,wouldnotletthem,purposelywouldnotletthemcomeout.
TheytormentedmetillIwasashamed:
theydrovemetoconvulsionsand—sickenedme,atlast,howtheysickenedme!
Now,arenotyoufancying,gentlemen,thatIamexpressing
anger
remorse
forsomethingnow,thatIamaskingyour
tilgivelse
forgiveness
forsomething?
Iamsureyouarefancyingthat...
However,I
forsikrer
assure
youIdonotcareifyouare....
ItwasnotonlythatIcouldnotbecomespiteful,Ididnotknowhowtobecomeanything;
neitherspitefulnorkind,neitherarascalnoranhonestman,neitheraheronoran
insekt
insect
.
Now,Iamlivingoutmylifeinmycorner,tauntingmyselfwiththespitefulanduseless
trøst
consolation
thatanintelligentmancannotbecomeanythingseriously,anditisonlythefoolwhobecomesanything.
Yes,amaninthenineteenthcenturymustand
moralsk
morally
oughttobepre-eminentlyacharacterlesscreature;
amanofcharacter,an
aktiv
active
manispre-eminentlya
begrenset
limited
creature.
Thatismy
overbevisning
conviction
offortyyears.
Iamfortyyearsoldnow,andyouknowfortyyearsisawholelifetime;
youknowitis
ekstrem
extreme
oldage.
Tolivelongerthanfortyyearsisbadmanners,is
vulgært
vulgar
,immoral.
Whodoeslivebeyondforty?
Answerthat,sincerelyandhonestlyIwilltellyouwhodo:
foolsandworthlessfellows.
Itellalloldmenthattotheirface,allthesevenerableoldmen,allthesesilver-hairedandreverendseniors!
Itellthewholeworldthattoitsface!
Ihavearighttosayso,forIshallgoonlivingtosixtymyself.
Toseventy!
Toeighty!
Stay,letmetakebreath...
Youimaginenodoubt,gentlemen,thatIwantto
underholde
amuse
you.
Youaremistakeninthat,too.
Iambynomeanssuchamirthfulpersonasyouimagine,orasyoumayimagine;
however,
irritert
irritated
byallthisbabble(andIfeelthatyouare
irritert
irritated)
youthinkfittoaskmewhoIam—thenmyansweris,Iamacollegiateassessor.
IwasintheservicethatImighthavesomethingtoeat(and
utelukkende
solely
forthatreason),andwhenlastyeara
fjern
distant
relationleftmesixthousandroublesinhiswillIimmediately
pensjonert
retired
fromtheserviceandsettleddowninmycorner.
Iusedtoliveinthiscornerbefore,butnowIhavesettleddowninit.
Myroomisawretched,horridoneinthe
utkanten
outskirts
ofthetown.
My
tjener
servant
isanoldcountry-woman,ill-naturedfrom
dumhet
stupidity
,and,moreover,thereisalwaysanastysmellabouther.
IamtoldthatthePetersburgclimateisbadforme,andthatwithmysmallmeansitisveryexpensivetoliveinPetersburg.
Iknowallthatbetterthanallthesesageandexperiencedcounsellorsandmonitors....
ButIamremaininginPetersburg;
IamnotgoingawayfromPetersburg!
Iamnotgoingawaybecause...
ech!
Why,itisabsolutelynomatterwhetherIamgoingawayornotgoingaway.
Butwhatcanadecentmanspeakofwithmostpleasure?
Answer:
Ofhimself.
II
Iwantnowtotellyou,gentlemen,whetheryoucaretohearitornot,whyIcouldnotevenbecomean
insekt
insect
.
Itellyousolemnly,thatIhavemanytimestriedtobecomean
insekt
insect
.
ButIwasnot
lik
equal
eventothat.
Iswear,gentlemen,thattobetoo
bevisst
conscious
isanillness—arealthorough-going
sykdom
illness
.
Forman’severydayneeds,itwouldhavebeenquiteenoughtohavetheordinaryhumanconsciousness,thatis,halforaquarteroftheamountwhichfallstothelotofa
kultivert
cultivated
manofourunhappynineteenthcentury,especiallyonewhohasthefatalill-lucktoinhabitPetersburg,themosttheoreticalandintentionaltownonthewholeterrestrial
jordkloden
globe
.
(Thereareintentionalandunintentionaltowns.)
Itwouldhavebeenquiteenough,for
eksempel
instance
,tohavetheconsciousnessbywhichallso-calleddirectpersonsandmenofactionlive.
IbetyouthinkIamwritingallthisfromaffectation,tobe
vittig
witty
attheexpenseofmenofaction;
andwhatismore,thatfromill-bredaffectation,Iamclankingaswordlikemyofficer.
But,gentlemen,whoevercanpridehimselfonhisdiseasesandevenswaggeroverthem?
Though,afterall,everyonedoesdothat;
peopledopridethemselvesontheirdiseases,andIdo,maybe,morethananyone.
Wewillnot
bestride
dispute
it;
mycontentionwas
absurd
absurd
.
ButyetIam
fast
firmly
persuadedthatagreatdealof
bevissthet
consciousness
,everysortofconsciousness,infact,isadisease.
Isticktothat.
Letusleavethat,too,foraminute.
Tellmethis:
whydoesithappenthatatthevery,yes,attheverymomentswhenIammostcapableoffeelingeveryrefinementofallthatis“sublimeandbeautiful,”astheyusedtosayatonetime,itwould,asthoughofdesign,happentomenotonlytofeelbuttodosuchuglythings,suchthat...
Well,inshort,actionsthatall,perhaps,commit;
butwhich,asthoughpurposely,occurredtomeattheverytimewhenIwasmost
bevisst
conscious
thattheyoughtnottobecommitted.
Themore
bevisst
conscious
Iwasofgoodnessandofallthatwas“sublimeandbeautiful,”themoredeeplyIsankintomymireandthemorereadyIwasto
synke
sink
initaltogether.
Butthechiefpointwasthatallthiswas,asitwere,not
tilfeldig
accidental
inme,butasthoughitwereboundtobeso.
Itwasasthoughitweremymostnormalcondition,andnotintheleastdiseaseordepravity,sothatatlastalldesireinmetostruggleagainstthisdepravitypassed.
Itendedbymyalmostbelieving(perhapsactuallybelieving)thatthiswasperhapsmynormalcondition.
Butatfirst,inthebeginning,whatagoniesI
utholdt
endured
inthatstruggle!
Ididnotbelieveitwasthesamewithotherpeople,andallmylifeIhidthisfactaboutmyselfasasecret.
Iwasashamed(evennow,perhaps,Iamashamed):
Igottothepointoffeelingasortofsecret
unormal
abnormal
,despicableenjoymentinreturninghometomycorneronsomedisgustingPetersburgnight,acutely
bevisst
conscious
thatthatdayIhadcommittedaloathsomeactionagain,thatwhatwasdonecouldneverbeundone,andsecretly,inwardlygnawing,gnawingatmyselfforit,tearingand
konsumere
consuming
myselftillatlastthe
bitterhet
bitterness
turnedintoasortofshamefulaccursedsweetness,andatlast—intopositivereal
glede
enjoyment
!
Yes,intoenjoyment,into
nytelse
enjoyment
!
Iinsistuponthat.
IhavespokenofthisbecauseIkeepwantingtoknowforafactwhetherotherpeoplefeelsuch
glede
enjoyment
?
Iwillexplain;
theenjoymentwasjustfromthetoointenseconsciousnessofone’sowndegradation;
itwasfromfeelingoneselfthatonehadreachedthelastbarrier,thatitwashorrible,butthatitcouldnotbeotherwise;
thattherewasnoescapeforyou;
thatyounevercouldbecomeadifferentman;
thateveniftimeandfaithwerestillleftyoutochangeintosomethingdifferentyouwouldmostlikelynotwishtochange;
orifyoudidwishto,eventhenyouwoulddonothing;
becauseperhapsinrealitytherewasnothingforyoutochangeinto.
Andtheworstofitwas,andthe
roten
root
ofitall,thatitwasallin
samsvar
accord
withthenormalfundamentallawsofover-acute
bevissthet
consciousness
,andwiththeinertiathatwasthedirectresultofthoselaws,andthat
følgelig
consequently
onewasnotonly
stand
unable
tochangebutcoulddoabsolutelynothing.
Thusitwouldfollow,astheresultof
akutt
acute
consciousness,thatoneisnottoblameinbeingascoundrel;
asthoughthatwereany
trøst
consolation
tothescoundreloncehehascometo
innse
realise
thatheactuallyisascoundrel.
Butenough....
Ech,Ihavetalkedalotofnonsense,butwhathaveIexplained?
Howisenjoymentinthistobeexplained?
ButIwillexplainit.
Iwillgettothebottomofit!
ThatiswhyIhavetakenupmypen....
I,for
eksempel
instance
,haveagreatdealofamourpropre.
Iamas
mistenkelig
suspicious
andpronetotakeoffenceasahumpbackora
dverg
dwarf
.
ButuponmywordIsometimeshavehadmomentswhenifIhadhappenedtobeslappedinthefaceIshould,perhaps,havebeen
positivt
positively
gladofit.
Isay,in
alvor
earnest
,thatIshouldprobablyhavebeenableto
oppdage
discover
eveninthata
merkelig
peculiar
sortofenjoyment—theenjoyment,ofcourse,of
fortvilelse
despair
;
butindespairtherearethemostintenseenjoyments,especiallywhenoneisveryacutely
bevisst
conscious
ofthehopelessnessofone’sposition.
Andwhenoneisslappedintheface—whythentheconsciousnessofbeing
gnidd
rubbed
intoapulpwould
positivt
positively
overwhelmone.
Theworstofitis,lookatitwhichwayonewill,itstillturnsoutthatIwasalwaysthemosttoblameineverything.
Andwhatismosthumiliatingofall,toblamefornofaultofmyownbut,sotosay,throughthelawsofnature.
Inthefirstplace,toblamebecauseIamclevererthananyofthepeoplesurroundingme.
(Ihavealwaysconsideredmyselfclevererthananyofthepeoplesurroundingme,andsometimes,wouldyoubelieveit,havebeen
positivt
positively
ashamedofit.
Atanyrate,Ihaveallmylife,asitwere,turnedmyeyesawayandnevercouldlookpeoplestraightintheface.)
Toblame,finally,becauseevenifIhadhadmagnanimity,Ishouldonlyhavehadmoresufferingfromthesenseofitsuselessness.
Ishouldcertainlyhaveneverbeenabletodoanythingfrombeingmagnanimous—neithertoforgive,formyassailantwouldperhapshaveslappedmefromthelawsofnature,andonecannotforgivethelawsofnature;
nortoforget,forevenifitwereowingtothelawsofnature,itisinsultingallthesame.
Finally,evenifIhadwantedtobeanythingbutmagnanimous,haddesiredonthecontrarytorevengemyselfonmyassailant,IcouldnothaverevengedmyselfonanyoneforanythingbecauseIshouldcertainlyneverhavemadeupmymindtodoanything,evenifIhadbeenableto.
WhyshouldInothavemadeupmymind?
III
Withpeoplewhoknowhowtorevengethemselvesandtostandupforthemselvesingeneral,howisitdone?
Why,whentheyare
besatt
possessed
,letussuppose,bythefeelingofrevenge,thenforthetimethereisnothingelsebutthatfeelingleftintheirwholebeing.
Suchagentlemansimplydashesstraightforhisobjectlikeaninfuriatedbullwithitshornsdown,andnothingbutawallwillstophim.
(Bytheway:
facingthewall,suchgentlemen—thatis,the“direct”personsandmenofaction—aregenuinelynonplussed.
Forthemawallisnotanevasion,asforuspeoplewhothinkand
følgelig
consequently
donothing;
itisnotanexcuseforturningaside,anexcuseforwhichwearealwaysveryglad,thoughwe
knapt
scarcely
believeinitourselves,asarule.
No,theyarenonplussedinall
oppriktighet
sincerity
.
Thewallhasforthemsomethingtranquillising,
moralsk
morally
soothing,final—maybeevensomething
mystisk
mysterious
...
butofthewalllater.)
Well,suchadirectpersonI
betrakter
regard
astherealnormalman,ashis
øm
tender
mothernaturewishedtoseehimwhenshegraciouslybroughthimintobeingontheearth.
I
misunner
envy
suchamantillIamgreenintheface.
Heisstupid.
Iamnot
bestrider
disputing
that,butperhapsthenormalmanshouldbestupid,howdoyouknow?
Perhapsitisverybeautiful,infact.
AndIamthemorepersuadedofthatsuspicion,ifonecancallitso,bythefactthatifyoutake,for
eksempel
instance
,theantithesisofthenormalman,thatis,themanof
akutt
acute
consciousness,whohascome,ofcourse,notoutofthelapofnaturebutoutofaretort(thisisalmostmysticism,gentlemen,butIsuspectthis,too),thisretort-mademanissometimessononplussedinthepresenceofhisantithesisthatwithallhisexaggerated
bevissthet
consciousness
hegenuinelythinksofhimselfasamouseandnotaman.
Itmaybeanacutely
bevisst
conscious
mouse,yetitisamouse,whiletheotherisaman,andtherefore,etcaetera,etcaetera.
Andtheworstofitis,hehimself,hisveryownself,looksonhimselfasamouse;
nooneaskshimtodoso;
andthatisanimportantpoint.
Nowletuslookatthismouseinaction.
Letussuppose,for
eksempel
instance
,thatitfeelsinsulted,too(anditalmostalwaysdoesfeel
fornærmet
insulted)
,andwantstorevengeitself,too.
Theremayevenbeagreateraccumulationofspiteinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.
Thebaseandnastydesiretoventthatspiteonitsassailantranklesperhapsevenmorenastilyinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.
Forthroughhisinnate
dumhet
stupidity
thelatterlooksuponhisrevengeasjusticepureandsimple;
whileinconsequenceofhisacute
bevissthet
consciousness
themousedoesnotbelieveinthejusticeofit.
Tocomeatlasttothedeeditself,totheveryactofrevenge.
Apartfromtheone
grunnleggende
fundamental
nastinessthelucklessmouse
lykkes
succeeds
increatingarounditsomanyothernastinessesintheformofdoubtsandquestions,addstotheonequestionsomanyunsettledquestionsthatthere
uunngåelig
inevitably
worksuparounditasortof
dødelig
fatal
brew,astinkingmess,madeupofitsdoubts,emotions,andofthe
forakt
contempt
spatuponitbythedirectmenofactionwhostand
høytidelig
solemnly
aboutitasjudgesandarbitrators,laughingatittilltheirhealthysides
vondt
ache
.
Ofcoursetheonlythingleftforitisto
avvise
dismiss
allthatwithawaveofits
pote
paw
,and,withasmileofassumed
forakt
contempt
inwhichitdoesnotevenitselfbelieve,
krype
creep
ignominiouslyintoitsmouse-hole.
Thereinitsnasty,stinking,
underjordiske
underground
homeourinsulted,crushedandridiculedmousepromptlybecomes
absorbert
absorbed
incold,malignantand,aboveall,everlastingspite.
Forfortyyearstogetheritwillrememberits
skade
injury
downtothesmallest,mostignominiousdetails,andeverytimewilladd,ofitself,detailsstillmoreignominious,spitefullyteasingandtormentingitselfwithitsownimagination.
Itwillitselfbeashamedofitsimaginings,butyetitwill
huske
recall
itall,itwillgooverandoverevery
detalj
detail
,itwillinventunheardofthingsagainstitself,pretendingthatthosethingsmighthappen,andwillforgivenothing.
Maybeitwillbegintorevengeitself,too,but,asitwere,piecemeal,intrivialways,frombehindthestove,incognito,withoutbelievingeitherinitsownrighttovengeance,orinthesuccessofitsrevenge,knowingthatfromallitseffortsatrevengeitwillsufferahundredtimesmorethanheonwhomitrevengesitself,whilehe,Idaresay,willnotevenscratchhimself.
Onitsdeathbeditwill
huske
recall
italloveragain,withinterestaccumulatedoveralltheyearsand...
Butitisjustinthatcold,
avskyelige
abominable
halfdespair,halfbelief,inthatconsciousburyingoneselfalivefor
sorg
grief
intheunderworldforfortyyears,inthatacutely
anerkjente
recognised
andyetpartlydoubtfulhopelessnessofone’sposition,inthathellofunsatisfieddesiresturnedinward,inthatfeverofoscillations,ofresolutions
bestemt
determined
foreverandrepentedofagainaminutelater—thatthesavourofthatstrangeenjoymentofwhichIhavespokenlies.
Itissosubtle,sodifficultofanalysis,thatpersonswhoarealittle
begrenset
limited
,orevensimplypersonsofstrongnerves,willnotunderstandasingle
atom
atom
ofit.
“Possibly,”youwilladdonyourownaccountwitha
smil
grin
,“peoplewillnotunderstanditeitherwhohaveneverreceivedaslapintheface,”andinthatwayyouwill
høflig
politely
hinttomethatI,too,perhaps,havehadtheexperienceofaslapinthefaceinmylife,andsoIspeakasonewhoknows.
Ibetthatyouarethinkingthat.
Butsetyourmindsatrest,gentlemen,Ihavenotreceivedaslapintheface,thoughitisabsolutelyamatterofindifferencetomewhatyoumaythinkaboutit.
Possibly,Ievenregret,myself,thatIhavegivensofewslapsinthefaceduringmylife.
Butenough...
notanotherwordonthatsubjectofsuch
ekstrem
extreme
interesttoyou.
Iwillcontinue
rolig
calmly
concerningpersonswithstrongnerveswhodonotunderstandacertainrefinementof
nytelse
enjoyment
.
Thoughincertaincircumstancesthesegentlemenbellowtheirloudestlikebulls,thoughthis,letussuppose,doesthemthegreatestcredit,yet,asIhavesaidalready,
konfrontert
confronted
withtheimpossibletheysubsideatonce.
Theimpossiblemeansthestonewall!
Whatstonewall?
Why,ofcourse,thelawsofnature,thedeductionsofnaturalscience,mathematics.