I
Iamasickman....
Iamaspitefulman.
Iamanunattractiveman.
Ibelievemy
leveren
liverisdiseased.However,Iknownothingatallaboutmydisease,anddonotknowforcertainwhatailsme.
Idon’t
konsulterer
consultadoctorforit,andneverhave,thoughIhavearespectformedicineanddoctors.Besides,Iamextremely
overtroisk
superstitious,sufficientlysotorespectmedicine,anyway(Iamwell-educatedenoughnottobeovertroisk
superstitious,butIamsuperstitious).No,Irefuseto
konsultere
consultadoctorfromspite.Thatyouprobablywillnotunderstand.
Well,Iunderstandit,though.
Ofcourse,Ican’texplainwhoitis
nøyaktig
preciselythatIammortifyinginthiscasebymyspite:IamperfectlywellawarethatIcannot“payout”thedoctorsbynot
konsultere
consultingthem;IknowbetterthananyonethatbyallthisIamonly
skader
injuringmyselfandnooneelse.Butstill,ifIdon’t
konsulterer
consultadoctoritisfromspite.My
leveren
liverisbad,well—letitgetworse!Ihavebeengoingonlikethatforalongtime—twentyyears.
NowIamforty.
Iusedtobeinthegovernmentservice,butamnolonger.
Iwasaspitefulofficial.
Iwasrudeandtookpleasureinbeingso.
Ididnottakebribes,yousee,soIwasboundtofindarecompenseinthat,atleast.
(Apoorjest,butIwillnotscratchitout.
Iwroteitthinkingitwouldsoundvery
vittig
witty;butnowthatIhaveseenmyselfthatIonlywantedtoshowoffinadespicableway,Iwillnotscratchitoutonpurpose!)
WhenpetitionersusedtocomeforinformationtothetableatwhichIsat,Iusedtogrindmyteethatthem,andfelt
intens
intenseenjoymentwhenIsucceededinmakinganybodyunhappy.Ialmostdid
lyktes
succeed.Forthemostparttheywerealltimidpeople—ofcourse,theywerepetitioners.
ButoftheuppishonestherewasoneofficerinparticularIcouldnot
tåle
endure.Hesimplywouldnotbe
ydmyk
humble,andclankedhisswordinadisgustingway.Icarriedonafeudwithhimforeighteenmonthsoverthatsword.
AtlastIgotthebetterofhim.
Heleftoffclankingit.
Thathappenedinmyyouth,though.
Butdoyouknow,gentlemen,whatwasthechiefpointaboutmyspite?
Why,thewholepoint,therealstingofitlayinthefactthat
kontinuerlig
continually,eveninthemomentoftheacutestspleen,Iwasinwardlybevisst
consciouswithshamethatIwasnotonlynotaspitefulbutnotevenanembitteredman,thatIwassimplyscaringsparrowsattilfeldig
randomandamusingmyselfbyit.Imight
skum
foamatthemouth,butbringmeadolltoplaywith,givemeacupofteawithsugarinit,andmaybeIshouldbeappeased.Imightevenbe
oppriktig
genuinelytouched,thoughprobablyIshouldgrindmyteethatmyselfafterwardsandlieawakeatnightwithshameformonthsafter.Thatwasmyway.
IwaslyingwhenIsaidjustnowthatIwasaspitefulofficial.
Iwaslyingfromspite.
Iwassimplyamusingmyselfwiththepetitionersandwiththeofficer,andinrealityInevercouldbecomespiteful.
Iwas
bevisst
consciouseverymomentinmyselfofmany,verymanyelementsabsolutelyoppositetothat.Ifeltthem
positivt
positivelyswarminginme,theseoppositeelements.Iknewthattheyhadbeenswarminginmeallmylifeandcravingsome
utløp
outletfromme,butIwouldnotletthem,wouldnotletthem,purposelywouldnotletthemcomeout.TheytormentedmetillIwasashamed:
theydrovemetoconvulsionsand—sickenedme,atlast,howtheysickenedme!
Now,arenotyoufancying,gentlemen,thatIamexpressing
anger
remorseforsomethingnow,thatIamaskingyourtilgivelse
forgivenessforsomething?Iamsureyouarefancyingthat...
However,I
forsikrer
assureyouIdonotcareifyouare....ItwasnotonlythatIcouldnotbecomespiteful,Ididnotknowhowtobecomeanything;
neitherspitefulnorkind,neitherarascalnoranhonestman,neitheraheronoran
insekt
insect.Now,Iamlivingoutmylifeinmycorner,tauntingmyselfwiththespitefulanduseless
trøst
consolationthatanintelligentmancannotbecomeanythingseriously,anditisonlythefoolwhobecomesanything.Yes,amaninthenineteenthcenturymustand
moralsk
morallyoughttobepre-eminentlyacharacterlesscreature;amanofcharacter,an
aktiv
activemanispre-eminentlyabegrenset
limitedcreature.Thatismy
overbevisning
convictionoffortyyears.Iamfortyyearsoldnow,andyouknowfortyyearsisawholelifetime;
youknowitis
ekstrem
extremeoldage.Tolivelongerthanfortyyearsisbadmanners,is
vulgært
vulgar,immoral.Whodoeslivebeyondforty?
Answerthat,sincerelyandhonestlyIwilltellyouwhodo:
foolsandworthlessfellows.
Itellalloldmenthattotheirface,allthesevenerableoldmen,allthesesilver-hairedandreverendseniors!
Itellthewholeworldthattoitsface!
Ihavearighttosayso,forIshallgoonlivingtosixtymyself.
Toseventy!
Toeighty!
Stay,letmetakebreath...
Youimaginenodoubt,gentlemen,thatIwantto
underholde
amuseyou.Youaremistakeninthat,too.
Iambynomeanssuchamirthfulpersonasyouimagine,orasyoumayimagine;
however,
irritert
irritatedbyallthisbabble(andIfeelthatyouareirritert
irritated)youthinkfittoaskmewhoIam—thenmyansweris,Iamacollegiateassessor.IwasintheservicethatImighthavesomethingtoeat(and
utelukkende
solelyforthatreason),andwhenlastyearafjern
distantrelationleftmesixthousandroublesinhiswillIimmediatelypensjonert
retiredfromtheserviceandsettleddowninmycorner.Iusedtoliveinthiscornerbefore,butnowIhavesettleddowninit.
Myroomisawretched,horridoneinthe
utkanten
outskirtsofthetown.My
tjener
servantisanoldcountry-woman,ill-naturedfromdumhet
stupidity,and,moreover,thereisalwaysanastysmellabouther.IamtoldthatthePetersburgclimateisbadforme,andthatwithmysmallmeansitisveryexpensivetoliveinPetersburg.
Iknowallthatbetterthanallthesesageandexperiencedcounsellorsandmonitors....
ButIamremaininginPetersburg;
IamnotgoingawayfromPetersburg!
Iamnotgoingawaybecause...
ech!
Why,itisabsolutelynomatterwhetherIamgoingawayornotgoingaway.
Butwhatcanadecentmanspeakofwithmostpleasure?
Answer:
Ofhimself.
II
Iwantnowtotellyou,gentlemen,whetheryoucaretohearitornot,whyIcouldnotevenbecomean
insekt
insect.Itellyousolemnly,thatIhavemanytimestriedtobecomean
insekt
insect.ButIwasnot
lik
equaleventothat.Iswear,gentlemen,thattobetoo
bevisst
consciousisanillness—arealthorough-goingsykdom
illness.Forman’severydayneeds,itwouldhavebeenquiteenoughtohavetheordinaryhumanconsciousness,thatis,halforaquarteroftheamountwhichfallstothelotofa
kultivert
cultivatedmanofourunhappynineteenthcentury,especiallyonewhohasthefatalill-lucktoinhabitPetersburg,themosttheoreticalandintentionaltownonthewholeterrestrialjordkloden
globe.(Thereareintentionalandunintentionaltowns.)
Itwouldhavebeenquiteenough,for
eksempel
instance,tohavetheconsciousnessbywhichallso-calleddirectpersonsandmenofactionlive.IbetyouthinkIamwritingallthisfromaffectation,tobe
vittig
wittyattheexpenseofmenofaction;andwhatismore,thatfromill-bredaffectation,Iamclankingaswordlikemyofficer.
But,gentlemen,whoevercanpridehimselfonhisdiseasesandevenswaggeroverthem?
Though,afterall,everyonedoesdothat;
peopledopridethemselvesontheirdiseases,andIdo,maybe,morethananyone.
Wewillnot
bestride
disputeit;mycontentionwas
absurd
absurd.ButyetIam
fast
firmlypersuadedthatagreatdealofbevissthet
consciousness,everysortofconsciousness,infact,isadisease.Isticktothat.
Letusleavethat,too,foraminute.
Tellmethis:
whydoesithappenthatatthevery,yes,attheverymomentswhenIammostcapableoffeelingeveryrefinementofallthatis“sublimeandbeautiful,”astheyusedtosayatonetime,itwould,asthoughofdesign,happentomenotonlytofeelbuttodosuchuglythings,suchthat...
Well,inshort,actionsthatall,perhaps,commit;
butwhich,asthoughpurposely,occurredtomeattheverytimewhenIwasmost
bevisst
consciousthattheyoughtnottobecommitted.Themore
bevisst
consciousIwasofgoodnessandofallthatwas“sublimeandbeautiful,”themoredeeplyIsankintomymireandthemorereadyIwastosynke
sinkinitaltogether.Butthechiefpointwasthatallthiswas,asitwere,not
tilfeldig
accidentalinme,butasthoughitwereboundtobeso.Itwasasthoughitweremymostnormalcondition,andnotintheleastdiseaseordepravity,sothatatlastalldesireinmetostruggleagainstthisdepravitypassed.
Itendedbymyalmostbelieving(perhapsactuallybelieving)thatthiswasperhapsmynormalcondition.
Butatfirst,inthebeginning,whatagoniesI
utholdt
enduredinthatstruggle!Ididnotbelieveitwasthesamewithotherpeople,andallmylifeIhidthisfactaboutmyselfasasecret.
Iwasashamed(evennow,perhaps,Iamashamed):
Igottothepointoffeelingasortofsecret
unormal
abnormal,despicableenjoymentinreturninghometomycorneronsomedisgustingPetersburgnight,acutelybevisst
consciousthatthatdayIhadcommittedaloathsomeactionagain,thatwhatwasdonecouldneverbeundone,andsecretly,inwardlygnawing,gnawingatmyselfforit,tearingandkonsumere
consumingmyselftillatlastthebitterhet
bitternessturnedintoasortofshamefulaccursedsweetness,andatlast—intopositiverealglede
enjoyment!Yes,intoenjoyment,into
nytelse
enjoyment!Iinsistuponthat.
IhavespokenofthisbecauseIkeepwantingtoknowforafactwhetherotherpeoplefeelsuch
glede
enjoyment?Iwillexplain;
theenjoymentwasjustfromthetoointenseconsciousnessofone’sowndegradation;
itwasfromfeelingoneselfthatonehadreachedthelastbarrier,thatitwashorrible,butthatitcouldnotbeotherwise;
thattherewasnoescapeforyou;
thatyounevercouldbecomeadifferentman;
thateveniftimeandfaithwerestillleftyoutochangeintosomethingdifferentyouwouldmostlikelynotwishtochange;
orifyoudidwishto,eventhenyouwoulddonothing;
becauseperhapsinrealitytherewasnothingforyoutochangeinto.
Andtheworstofitwas,andthe
roten
rootofitall,thatitwasallinsamsvar
accordwiththenormalfundamentallawsofover-acutebevissthet
consciousness,andwiththeinertiathatwasthedirectresultofthoselaws,andthatfølgelig
consequentlyonewasnotonlystand
unabletochangebutcoulddoabsolutelynothing.Thusitwouldfollow,astheresultof
akutt
acuteconsciousness,thatoneisnottoblameinbeingascoundrel;asthoughthatwereany
trøst
consolationtothescoundreloncehehascometoinnse
realisethatheactuallyisascoundrel.Butenough....
Ech,Ihavetalkedalotofnonsense,butwhathaveIexplained?
Howisenjoymentinthistobeexplained?
ButIwillexplainit.
Iwillgettothebottomofit!
ThatiswhyIhavetakenupmypen....
I,for
eksempel
instance,haveagreatdealofamourpropre.Iamas
mistenkelig
suspiciousandpronetotakeoffenceasahumpbackoradverg
dwarf.ButuponmywordIsometimeshavehadmomentswhenifIhadhappenedtobeslappedinthefaceIshould,perhaps,havebeen
positivt
positivelygladofit.Isay,in
alvor
earnest,thatIshouldprobablyhavebeenabletooppdage
discovereveninthatamerkelig
peculiarsortofenjoyment—theenjoyment,ofcourse,offortvilelse
despair;butindespairtherearethemostintenseenjoyments,especiallywhenoneisveryacutely
bevisst
consciousofthehopelessnessofone’sposition.Andwhenoneisslappedintheface—whythentheconsciousnessofbeing
gnidd
rubbedintoapulpwouldpositivt
positivelyoverwhelmone.Theworstofitis,lookatitwhichwayonewill,itstillturnsoutthatIwasalwaysthemosttoblameineverything.
Andwhatismosthumiliatingofall,toblamefornofaultofmyownbut,sotosay,throughthelawsofnature.
Inthefirstplace,toblamebecauseIamclevererthananyofthepeoplesurroundingme.
(Ihavealwaysconsideredmyselfclevererthananyofthepeoplesurroundingme,andsometimes,wouldyoubelieveit,havebeen
positivt
positivelyashamedofit.Atanyrate,Ihaveallmylife,asitwere,turnedmyeyesawayandnevercouldlookpeoplestraightintheface.)
Toblame,finally,becauseevenifIhadhadmagnanimity,Ishouldonlyhavehadmoresufferingfromthesenseofitsuselessness.
Ishouldcertainlyhaveneverbeenabletodoanythingfrombeingmagnanimous—neithertoforgive,formyassailantwouldperhapshaveslappedmefromthelawsofnature,andonecannotforgivethelawsofnature;
nortoforget,forevenifitwereowingtothelawsofnature,itisinsultingallthesame.
Finally,evenifIhadwantedtobeanythingbutmagnanimous,haddesiredonthecontrarytorevengemyselfonmyassailant,IcouldnothaverevengedmyselfonanyoneforanythingbecauseIshouldcertainlyneverhavemadeupmymindtodoanything,evenifIhadbeenableto.
WhyshouldInothavemadeupmymind?
III
Withpeoplewhoknowhowtorevengethemselvesandtostandupforthemselvesingeneral,howisitdone?
Why,whentheyare
besatt
possessed,letussuppose,bythefeelingofrevenge,thenforthetimethereisnothingelsebutthatfeelingleftintheirwholebeing.Suchagentlemansimplydashesstraightforhisobjectlikeaninfuriatedbullwithitshornsdown,andnothingbutawallwillstophim.
(Bytheway:
facingthewall,suchgentlemen—thatis,the“direct”personsandmenofaction—aregenuinelynonplussed.
Forthemawallisnotanevasion,asforuspeoplewhothinkand
følgelig
consequentlydonothing;itisnotanexcuseforturningaside,anexcuseforwhichwearealwaysveryglad,thoughwe
knapt
scarcelybelieveinitourselves,asarule.No,theyarenonplussedinall
oppriktighet
sincerity.Thewallhasforthemsomethingtranquillising,
moralsk
morallysoothing,final—maybeevensomethingmystisk
mysterious...butofthewalllater.)
Well,suchadirectpersonI
betrakter
regardastherealnormalman,ashisøm
tendermothernaturewishedtoseehimwhenshegraciouslybroughthimintobeingontheearth.I
misunner
envysuchamantillIamgreenintheface.Heisstupid.
Iamnot
bestrider
disputingthat,butperhapsthenormalmanshouldbestupid,howdoyouknow?Perhapsitisverybeautiful,infact.
AndIamthemorepersuadedofthatsuspicion,ifonecancallitso,bythefactthatifyoutake,for
eksempel
instance,theantithesisofthenormalman,thatis,themanofakutt
acuteconsciousness,whohascome,ofcourse,notoutofthelapofnaturebutoutofaretort(thisisalmostmysticism,gentlemen,butIsuspectthis,too),thisretort-mademanissometimessononplussedinthepresenceofhisantithesisthatwithallhisexaggeratedbevissthet
consciousnesshegenuinelythinksofhimselfasamouseandnotaman.Itmaybeanacutely
bevisst
consciousmouse,yetitisamouse,whiletheotherisaman,andtherefore,etcaetera,etcaetera.Andtheworstofitis,hehimself,hisveryownself,looksonhimselfasamouse;
nooneaskshimtodoso;
andthatisanimportantpoint.
Nowletuslookatthismouseinaction.
Letussuppose,for
eksempel
instance,thatitfeelsinsulted,too(anditalmostalwaysdoesfeelfornærmet
insulted),andwantstorevengeitself,too.Theremayevenbeagreateraccumulationofspiteinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.
Thebaseandnastydesiretoventthatspiteonitsassailantranklesperhapsevenmorenastilyinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.
Forthroughhisinnate
dumhet
stupiditythelatterlooksuponhisrevengeasjusticepureandsimple;whileinconsequenceofhisacute
bevissthet
consciousnessthemousedoesnotbelieveinthejusticeofit.Tocomeatlasttothedeeditself,totheveryactofrevenge.
Apartfromtheone
grunnleggende
fundamentalnastinessthelucklessmouselykkes
succeedsincreatingarounditsomanyothernastinessesintheformofdoubtsandquestions,addstotheonequestionsomanyunsettledquestionsthatthereuunngåelig
inevitablyworksuparounditasortofdødelig
fatalbrew,astinkingmess,madeupofitsdoubts,emotions,andoftheforakt
contemptspatuponitbythedirectmenofactionwhostandhøytidelig
solemnlyaboutitasjudgesandarbitrators,laughingatittilltheirhealthysidesvondt
ache.Ofcoursetheonlythingleftforitisto
avvise
dismissallthatwithawaveofitspote
paw,and,withasmileofassumedforakt
contemptinwhichitdoesnotevenitselfbelieve,krype
creepignominiouslyintoitsmouse-hole.Thereinitsnasty,stinking,
underjordiske
undergroundhomeourinsulted,crushedandridiculedmousepromptlybecomesabsorbert
absorbedincold,malignantand,aboveall,everlastingspite.Forfortyyearstogetheritwillrememberits
skade
injurydowntothesmallest,mostignominiousdetails,andeverytimewilladd,ofitself,detailsstillmoreignominious,spitefullyteasingandtormentingitselfwithitsownimagination.Itwillitselfbeashamedofitsimaginings,butyetitwill
huske
recallitall,itwillgooverandovereverydetalj
detail,itwillinventunheardofthingsagainstitself,pretendingthatthosethingsmighthappen,andwillforgivenothing.Maybeitwillbegintorevengeitself,too,but,asitwere,piecemeal,intrivialways,frombehindthestove,incognito,withoutbelievingeitherinitsownrighttovengeance,orinthesuccessofitsrevenge,knowingthatfromallitseffortsatrevengeitwillsufferahundredtimesmorethanheonwhomitrevengesitself,whilehe,Idaresay,willnotevenscratchhimself.
Onitsdeathbeditwill
huske
recallitalloveragain,withinterestaccumulatedoveralltheyearsand...Butitisjustinthatcold,
avskyelige
abominablehalfdespair,halfbelief,inthatconsciousburyingoneselfaliveforsorg
griefintheunderworldforfortyyears,inthatacutelyanerkjente
recognisedandyetpartlydoubtfulhopelessnessofone’sposition,inthathellofunsatisfieddesiresturnedinward,inthatfeverofoscillations,ofresolutionsbestemt
determinedforeverandrepentedofagainaminutelater—thatthesavourofthatstrangeenjoymentofwhichIhavespokenlies.Itissosubtle,sodifficultofanalysis,thatpersonswhoarealittle
begrenset
limited,orevensimplypersonsofstrongnerves,willnotunderstandasingleatom
atomofit.“Possibly,”youwilladdonyourownaccountwitha
smil
grin,“peoplewillnotunderstanditeitherwhohaveneverreceivedaslapintheface,”andinthatwayyouwillhøflig
politelyhinttomethatI,too,perhaps,havehadtheexperienceofaslapinthefaceinmylife,andsoIspeakasonewhoknows.Ibetthatyouarethinkingthat.
Butsetyourmindsatrest,gentlemen,Ihavenotreceivedaslapintheface,thoughitisabsolutelyamatterofindifferencetomewhatyoumaythinkaboutit.
Possibly,Ievenregret,myself,thatIhavegivensofewslapsinthefaceduringmylife.
Butenough...
notanotherwordonthatsubjectofsuch
ekstrem
extremeinteresttoyou.Iwillcontinue
rolig
calmlyconcerningpersonswithstrongnerveswhodonotunderstandacertainrefinementofnytelse
enjoyment.Thoughincertaincircumstancesthesegentlemenbellowtheirloudestlikebulls,thoughthis,letussuppose,doesthemthegreatestcredit,yet,asIhavesaidalready,
konfrontert
confrontedwiththeimpossibletheysubsideatonce.Theimpossiblemeansthestonewall!
Whatstonewall?
Why,ofcourse,thelawsofnature,thedeductionsofnaturalscience,mathematics.