I
Iamasickman....
Iamaspitefulman.
Iamanunattractiveman.
Ibelievemyliverisdiseased.
However,Iknownothingatallaboutmy
sykdom
disease,anddonotknowforcertainwhatailsme.Idon’tconsultadoctorforit,andneverhave,thoughIhavearespectfor
medisin
medicineanddoctors.Besides,Iam
ekstremt
extremelysuperstitious,sufficientlysotorespectmedisin
medicine,anyway(Iamwell-educatedenoughnottobesuperstitious,butIamsuperstitious).No,I
nekter
refusetoconsultadoctorfromspite.Thatyouprobablywillnotunderstand.
Well,Iunderstandit,though.
Ofcourse,Ican’texplainwhoitispreciselythatIammortifyinginthiscasebymyspite:
Iam
helt
perfectlywellawarethatIcannot“payout”thedoctorsbynotconsultingthem;IknowbetterthananyonethatbyallthisIamonlyinjuringmyselfandnooneelse.
Butstill,ifIdon’tconsultadoctoritisfromspite.
Myliverisbad,well—letitgetworse!
Ihavebeengoingonlikethatforalongtime—twentyyears.
NowIamforty.
Iusedtobeinthegovernmentservice,butamnolonger.
Iwasaspiteful
tjenestemann
official.Iwasrudeandtookpleasureinbeingso.
Ididnottakebribes,yousee,soIwas
bundet
boundtofindarecompenseinthat,atleast.(Apoorjest,butIwillnotscratchitout.
Iwroteitthinkingitwouldsoundverywitty;
butnowthatIhaveseenmyselfthatIonlywantedtoshowoffinadespicableway,Iwillnotscratchitoutonpurpose!)
WhenpetitionersusedtocomeforinformationtothetableatwhichIsat,Iusedtogrindmyteethatthem,andfeltintenseenjoymentwhenIsucceededinmakinganybody
ulykkelig
unhappy.Ialmostdidsucceed.
Forthemostparttheywerealltimidpeople—ofcourse,theywerepetitioners.
Butoftheuppishonestherewasoneofficerin
spesielt
particularIcouldnotendure.Hesimplywouldnotbehumble,andclankedhisswordina
motbydelig
disgustingway.Icarriedonafeudwithhimforeighteenmonthsoverthatsword.
AtlastIgotthebetterofhim.
Heleftoffclankingit.
Thathappenedinmy
ungdom
youth,though.Butdoyouknow,gentlemen,whatwasthechiefpointaboutmyspite?
Why,thewholepoint,therealstingofitlayinthefactthatcontinually,eveninthemomentoftheacutestspleen,IwasinwardlyconsciouswithshamethatIwasnotonlynotaspitefulbutnotevenanembitteredman,thatIwassimply
skremte
scaringsparrowsatrandomandamusingmyselfbyit.Imightfoamatthemouth,butbringmea
dukke
dolltoplaywith,givemeacupofteawithsukker
sugarinit,andmaybeIshouldbeappeased.Imightevenbegenuinelytouched,thoughprobablyIshouldgrindmyteethatmyself
etterpå
afterwardsandlieawakeatnightwithshameformonthsafter.Thatwasmyway.
IwaslyingwhenIsaidjustnowthatIwasaspiteful
tjenestemann
official.Iwaslyingfromspite.
Iwassimplyamusingmyselfwiththepetitionersandwiththeofficer,andin
virkeligheten
realityInevercouldbecomespiteful.Iwasconsciouseverymomentinmyselfofmany,verymanyelementsabsolutely
motsatt
oppositetothat.Ifeltthempositivelyswarminginme,these
motsatte
oppositeelements.Iknewthattheyhadbeenswarminginmeallmylifeandcravingsomeoutletfromme,butIwouldnotletthem,wouldnotletthem,purposelywouldnotletthemcomeout.
TheytormentedmetillIwasashamed:
theydrovemetoconvulsionsand—sickenedme,atlast,howtheysickenedme!
Now,arenotyoufancying,gentlemen,thatIam
uttrykker
expressingremorseforsomethingnow,thatIamaskingyourforgivenessforsomething?Iamsureyouarefancyingthat...
However,IassureyouIdonotcareifyouare....
ItwasnotonlythatIcouldnotbecomespiteful,Ididnotknowhowtobecomeanything;
neitherspitefulnorkind,neitherarascalnoranhonestman,neitheraheronoraninsect.
Now,Iamlivingoutmylifeinmy
hjørne
corner,tauntingmyselfwiththespitefulanduselessconsolationthatanintelligentmancannotbecomeanythingseriously,anditisonlythefoolwhobecomesanything.Yes,amaninthenineteenth
århundre
centurymustandmorallyoughttobepre-eminentlyacharacterlessskapning
creature;amanofcharacter,anactivemanispre-eminentlyalimited
skapning
creature.Thatismyconvictionoffortyyears.
Iamfortyyearsoldnow,andyouknowfortyyearsisawholelifetime;
youknowitisextremeoldage.
Tolivelongerthanfortyyearsisbadmanners,isvulgar,immoral.
Whodoeslivebeyondforty?
Answerthat,sincerelyandhonestlyIwilltellyouwhodo:
foolsandworthlessfellows.
Itellalloldmenthattotheirface,allthesevenerableoldmen,allthesesilver-hairedandreverendseniors!
Itellthewholeworldthattoitsface!
Ihavearighttosayso,forIshallgoonlivingtosixtymyself.
Toseventy!
Toeighty!
Stay,letmetake
pusten
breath...Youimaginenodoubt,gentlemen,thatIwanttoamuseyou.
Youaremistakeninthat,too.
Iambynomeanssuchamirthfulpersonasyouimagine,orasyoumayimagine;
however,irritatedbyallthisbabble(andIfeelthatyouareirritated)youthinkfittoaskmewhoIam—thenmyansweris,Iamacollegiateassessor.
IwasintheservicethatImighthavesomethingtoeat(andsolelyforthatreason),andwhenlastyearadistantrelationleftmesixthousandroublesinhiswillIimmediatelyretiredfromtheserviceand
bosatte
settleddowninmycorner.Iusedtoliveinthiscornerbefore,butnowIhavesettleddowninit.
Myroomisawretched,horridoneintheoutskirtsofthetown.
Myservantisanoldcountry-woman,ill-naturedfromstupidity,and,moreover,thereisalwaysa
stygg
nastysmellabouther.IamtoldthatthePetersburgclimateisbadforme,andthatwithmysmallmeansitisvery
dyrt
expensivetoliveinPetersburg.Iknowallthatbetterthanallthesesageandexperiencedcounsellorsandmonitors....
ButIam
forblir
remaininginPetersburg;IamnotgoingawayfromPetersburg!
Iamnotgoingawaybecause...
ech!
Why,itisabsolutelynomatterwhetherIamgoingawayornotgoingaway.
Butwhatcana
anstendig
decentmanspeakofwithmostpleasure?Answer:
Ofhimself.
II
Iwantnowtotellyou,gentlemen,whetheryoucaretohearitornot,whyIcouldnotevenbecomeaninsect.
Itellyousolemnly,thatIhavemanytimestriedtobecomeaninsect.
ButIwasnotequaleventothat.
Iswear,gentlemen,thattobetooconsciousisanillness—arealthorough-goingillness.
Forman’severydayneeds,itwouldhavebeenquiteenoughtohavethe
vanlige
ordinaryhumanconsciousness,thatis,halforafjerdedel
quarteroftheamountwhichfallstothelotofacultivatedmanofourunhappynineteenthårhundre
century,especiallyonewhohasthefatalill-lucktoinhabitPetersburg,themosttheoreticalandintentionaltownonthewholeterrestrialglobe.(Thereareintentionalandunintentionaltowns.)
Itwouldhavebeenquiteenough,forinstance,tohavetheconsciousnessbywhichallso-called
direkte
directpersonsandmenofactionlive.IbetyouthinkIamwritingallthisfromaffectation,tobewittyattheexpenseofmenofaction;
andwhatismore,thatfromill-bredaffectation,Iamclankinga
sverd
swordlikemyofficer.But,gentlemen,whoevercanpridehimselfonhisdiseasesandevenswaggeroverthem?
Though,afterall,everyonedoesdothat;
peopledopridethemselvesontheirdiseases,andIdo,maybe,morethananyone.
Wewillnotdisputeit;
mycontentionwasabsurd.
ButyetIamfirmlypersuadedthatagreatdealofconsciousness,everysortofconsciousness,infact,isa
sykdom
disease.Isticktothat.
Letusleavethat,too,foraminute.
Tellmethis:
whydoesithappenthatatthevery,yes,attheverymomentswhenIammostcapableoffeelingeveryrefinementofallthatis“sublimeandbeautiful,”astheyusedtosayatonetime,itwould,asthoughof
design
design,happentomenotonlytofeelbuttodosuchuglythings,suchthat...Well,inshort,actionsthatall,perhaps,
begår
commit;butwhich,asthoughpurposely,occurredtomeattheverytimewhenIwasmostconsciousthattheyoughtnottobe
begått
committed.ThemoreconsciousIwasof
godhet
goodnessandofallthatwas“sublimeandbeautiful,”themoredeeplyIsankintomymireandthemorereadyIwastosinkinitaltogether.Butthechiefpointwasthatallthiswas,asitwere,notaccidentalinme,butasthoughitwere
bundet
boundtobeso.Itwasasthoughitweremymostnormal
tilstand
condition,andnotintheleastsykdom
diseaseordepravity,sothatatlastallønske
desireinmetostruggleagainstthisdepravitypassed.Itendedbymyalmostbelieving(perhapsactuallybelieving)thatthiswasperhapsmynormal
tilstand
condition.Butatfirst,inthebeginning,whatagoniesIenduredinthat
kampen
struggle!Ididnotbelieveitwasthesamewithotherpeople,andallmylifeIhidthisfactaboutmyselfasasecret.
Iwasashamed(evennow,perhaps,Iamashamed):
Igottothepointoffeelingasortofsecretabnormal,despicableenjoymentinreturninghometomy
hjørne
corneronsomedisgustingPetersburgnight,acutelyconsciousthatthatdayIhadbegått
committedaloathsomeactionagain,thatwhatwasdonecouldneverbeundone,andsecretly,inwardlygnawing,gnawingatmyselfforit,rive
tearingandconsumingmyselftillatlastthebitternessturnedintoasortofshamefulaccursedsweetness,andatlast—intopositiverealenjoyment!Yes,intoenjoyment,intoenjoyment!
Iinsistuponthat.
IhavespokenofthisbecauseIkeepwantingtoknowforafactwhetherotherpeoplefeelsuchenjoyment?
Iwillexplain;
theenjoymentwasjustfromthetoointenseconsciousnessofone’sowndegradation;
itwasfromfeelingoneselfthatonehadreachedthelastbarrier,thatitwas
forferdelig
horrible,butthatitcouldnotbeotherwise;thattherewasnoescapeforyou;
thatyounevercouldbecomeadifferentman;
thateveniftimeandfaithwerestillleftyoutochangeintosomethingdifferentyouwouldmostlikelynotwishtochange;
orifyoudidwishto,eventhenyouwoulddonothing;
becauseperhapsin
virkeligheten
realitytherewasnothingforyoutochangeinto.Andtheworstofitwas,andtherootofitall,thatitwasallinaccordwiththenormalfundamentallawsofover-acuteconsciousness,andwiththeinertiathatwasthe
direkte
directresultofthoselaws,andthatconsequentlyonewasnotonlyunabletochangebutcoulddoabsolutelynothing.Thusitwouldfollow,asthe
resultat
resultofacuteconsciousness,thatoneisnottoblameinbeingascoundrel;asthoughthatwereanyconsolationtothescoundreloncehehascometorealisethatheactuallyisascoundrel.
Butenough....
Ech,Ihavetalkedalotofnonsense,butwhathaveIexplained?
Howisenjoymentinthistobeexplained?
ButIwillexplainit.
Iwillgettothe
bunnen
bottomofit!ThatiswhyIhavetakenupmy
pennen
pen....I,forinstance,haveagreatdealofamourpropre.
Iamassuspiciousandpronetotakeoffenceasahumpbackoradwarf.
ButuponmywordIsometimeshavehadmomentswhenifIhadhappenedtobeslappedinthefaceIshould,perhaps,havebeenpositivelygladofit.
Isay,inearnest,thatIshouldprobablyhavebeenabletodiscovereveninthatapeculiarsortofenjoyment—theenjoyment,ofcourse,ofdespair;
butindespairtherearethemostintenseenjoyments,especiallywhenoneisveryacutelyconsciousofthehopelessnessofone’sposition.
Andwhenoneisslappedintheface—whythentheconsciousnessofbeingrubbedintoapulpwouldpositivelyoverwhelmone.
Theworstofitis,lookatitwhichwayonewill,itstillturnsoutthatIwasalwaysthemosttoblameineverything.
Andwhatismosthumiliatingofall,toblamefornofaultofmyownbut,sotosay,throughthelawsofnature.
Inthefirstplace,toblamebecauseIamclevererthananyofthepeoplesurroundingme.
(Ihavealways
betraktet
consideredmyselfclevererthananyofthepeoplesurroundingme,andsometimes,wouldyoubelieveit,havebeenpositivelyashamedofit.Atanyrate,Ihaveallmylife,asitwere,turnedmyeyesawayandnevercouldlookpeoplestraightintheface.)
Toblame,finally,becauseevenifIhadhadmagnanimity,Ishouldonlyhavehadmoresufferingfromthesenseofitsuselessness.
Ishouldcertainlyhaveneverbeenabletodoanythingfrombeingmagnanimous—neithertoforgive,formyassailantwouldperhapshaveslappedmefromthelawsofnature,andonecannotforgivethelawsofnature;
nortoforget,forevenifitwereowingtothelawsofnature,itisinsultingallthesame.
Finally,evenifIhadwantedtobeanythingbutmagnanimous,haddesiredonthecontraryto
hevne
revengemyselfonmyassailant,IcouldnothaverevengedmyselfonanyoneforanythingbecauseIshouldcertainlyneverhavemadeupmymindtodoanything,evenifIhadbeenableto.WhyshouldInothavemadeupmymind?
III
Withpeoplewhoknowhowto
hevne
revengethemselvesandtostandupforthemselvesingeneral,howisitdone?Why,whentheyarepossessed,letussuppose,bythefeelingof
hevn
revenge,thenforthetimethereisnothingelsebutthatfeelingleftintheirwholebeing.Sucha
gentleman
gentlemansimplydashesstraightforhisobjekt
objectlikeaninfuriatedbullwithitshornsdown,andnothingbutawallwillstophim.(Bytheway:
facingthewall,suchgentlemen—thatis,the“direct”personsandmenofaction—aregenuinelynonplussed.
Forthemawallisnotanevasion,asforuspeoplewhothinkandconsequentlydonothing;
itisnotanexcuseforturning
side
aside,anexcuseforwhichwearealwaysveryglad,thoughwescarcelybelieveinitourselves,asarule.No,theyarenonplussedinallsincerity.
Thewallhasforthemsomethingtranquillising,morallysoothing,final—maybeevensomethingmysterious...
butofthewalllater.)
Well,sucha
direkte
directpersonIregardastherealnormalman,ashistendermothernaturewishedtoseehimwhenshegraciouslybroughthimintobeingontheearth.IenvysuchamantillIamgreenintheface.
Heisstupid.
Iamnotdisputingthat,butperhapsthenormalmanshouldbestupid,howdoyouknow?
Perhapsitisverybeautiful,infact.
AndIamthemorepersuadedofthatsuspicion,ifonecancallitso,bythefactthatifyoutake,forinstance,theantithesisofthenormalman,thatis,themanofacuteconsciousness,whohascome,ofcourse,notoutofthelapofnaturebutoutofaretort(thisisalmostmysticism,gentlemen,butI
mistenker
suspectthis,too),thisretort-mademanissometimessononplussedinthenærvær
presenceofhisantithesisthatwithallhisexaggeratedconsciousnesshegenuinelythinksofhimselfasamus
mouseandnotaman.Itmaybeanacutelyconscious
mus
mouse,yetitisamus
mouse,whiletheotherisaman,andderfor
therefore,etcaetera,etcaetera.Andtheworstofitis,hehimself,hisveryownself,looksonhimselfasa
mus
mouse;nooneaskshimtodoso;
andthatisanimportantpoint.
Nowletuslookatthismouseinaction.
Letussuppose,forinstance,thatitfeelsinsulted,too(anditalmostalwaysdoesfeelinsulted),andwantsto
hevne
revengeitself,too.Theremayevenbea
større
greateraccumulationofspiteinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.Thebaseandnasty
ønsket
desiretoventthatspiteonitsassailantranklesperhapsevenmorenastilyinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.Forthroughhisinnatestupiditythelatterlooksuponhis
hevn
revengeasjusticepureandsimple;whileinconsequenceofhisacuteconsciousnessthemousedoesnotbelieveinthejusticeofit.
Tocomeatlasttothedeeditself,totheveryactof
hevn
revenge.Apartfromtheonefundamentalnastinessthelucklessmousesucceedsincreatingarounditsomanyothernastinessesintheformofdoubtsandquestions,
legger
addstotheonequestionsomanyunsettledquestionsthatthereinevitablyworksuparounditasortoffatalbrew,astinkingmess,madeupofitsdoubts,emotions,andofthecontemptspyttet
spatuponitbythedirekte
directmenofactionwhostandsolemnlyaboutitasjudgesandarbitrators,laughingatittilltheirsunne
healthysidesache.Ofcoursetheonlythingleftforitistodismissallthatwitha
bølge
waveofitspaw,and,withasmileofantatt
assumedcontemptinwhichitdoesnotevenitselfbelieve,creepignominiouslyintoitsmouse-hole.Thereinitsnasty,stinking,undergroundhomeourinsulted,crushedandridiculed
mus
mousepromptlybecomesabsorbedincold,malignantand,aboveall,everlastingspite.Forfortyyearstogetheritwillrememberitsinjurydowntothesmallest,mostignominiousdetails,andeverytimewilladd,ofitself,detailsstillmoreignominious,spitefullyteasingandtormentingitselfwithitsown
fantasi
imagination.Itwillitselfbe
skamme
ashamedofitsimaginings,butyetitwillrecallitall,itwillgooverandovereverydetail,itwillinventunheardofthingsagainstitself,late
pretendingthatthosethingsmighthappen,andwillforgivenothing.Maybeitwillbegintorevengeitself,too,but,asitwere,piecemeal,intrivialways,frombehindthestove,incognito,withoutbelievingeitherinitsownrighttovengeance,orinthesuccessofitsrevenge,knowingthatfromallitseffortsatrevengeitwill
lide
sufferahundredtimesmorethanheonwhomitrevengesitself,whilehe,Idaresay,willnotevenklø
scratchhimself.Onitsdeathbeditwillrecallitalloveragain,withinterestaccumulatedoveralltheyearsand...
Butitisjustinthatcold,abominablehalfdespair,halfbelief,inthatconsciousburyingoneselfaliveforgriefintheunderworldforfortyyears,inthatacutelyrecognisedandyetpartlydoubtfulhopelessnessofone’sposition,inthathellofunsatisfieddesiresturnedinward,inthat
feber
feverofoscillations,ofresolutionsdeterminedforeverandrepentedofagainaminutelater—thatthesavourofthatstrangeenjoymentofwhichIhavespokenlies.Itissosubtle,sodifficultofanalysis,thatpersonswhoarealittlelimited,orevensimplypersonsofstrongnerves,willnotunderstandasingleatomofit.
“Possibly,”youwill
legge
addonyourownaccountwithagrin,“peoplewillnotunderstanditeitherwhohaveneverreceivedaslapintheface,”andinthatwayyouwillpolitelyhinttomethatI,too,perhaps,havehadtheexperienceofaslapinthefaceinmylife,andsoIspeakasonewhoknows.Ibetthatyouarethinkingthat.
Butsetyourmindsatrest,gentlemen,Ihavenot
fått
receivedaslapintheface,thoughitisabsolutelyamatterofindifferencetomewhatyoumaythinkaboutit.Muligens
Possibly,Ievenregret,myself,thatIhavegivensofewslapsinthefaceduringmylife.Butenough...
notanotherwordonthat
emnet
subjectofsuchextremeinteresttoyou.Iwillcontinuecalmlyconcerningpersonswithstrongnerveswhodonotunderstandacertainrefinementofenjoyment.
Thoughincertaincircumstancesthesegentlemenbellowtheirloudestlikebulls,thoughthis,letussuppose,doesthemthe
største
greatestcredit,yet,asIhavesaidalready,confrontedwiththeimpossibletheysubsideatonce.Theimpossiblemeansthestonewall!
Whatstonewall?
Why,ofcourse,thelawsofnature,thedeductionsofnaturalscience,mathematics.