I
Iama
syk
sickman....Iamaspiteful
mann
man.Iamanunattractive
mann
man.Ibelievemyliverisdiseased.
However,Iknow
ingenting
nothingatallaboutmydisease,og
anddonotknowforcertainwhatailsme.Idon’tconsult
en
adoctorforit,andaldri
neverhave,thoughIhaveen
arespectformedicineanddoctors.Besides,Iamextremelysuperstitious,sufficientlysotorespectmedicine,anyway
Jeg
(Iamwell-educatedenoughnottobesuperstitious,men
butIamsuperstitious).No,Irefusetoconsult
en
adoctorfromspite.Thatyou
sannsynligvis
probablywillnotunderstand.Well,I
forstår
understandit,though.Ofcourse,Ican’texplain
hvem
whoitispreciselythatIammortifyingindette
thiscasebymyspite:Iamperfectlywellaware
at
thatIcannot“payout”thedoctorsbynotconsultingdem
them;Iknowbetterthan
noen
anyonethatbyallthisIambare
onlyinjuringmyselfandnooneelse.Men
Butstill,ifIdon’tconsulten
adoctoritisfromspite.Myliveris
dårlig
bad,well—letitgetworse!I
har
havebeengoingonlikethatforalongtime—twentyyears.Nå
NowIamforty.I
pleide
usedtobeinthegovernmentservice,men
butamnolonger.Iwas
en
aspitefulofficial.Iwasrude
og
andtookpleasureinbeingso.Ididnot
tok
takebribes,yousee,soIwasboundtofinne
findarecompenseinthat,atleast.(Apoorjest,
men
butIwillnotscratchitut
out.Iwroteitthinkingit
ville
wouldsoundverywitty;but
nå
nowthatIhaveseenmyselfthatIbare
onlywantedtoshowoffinen
adespicableway,Iwillnotscratchitut
outonpurpose!)Whenpetitioners
pleide
usedtocomeforinformationtothetableatder
whichIsat,Iusedtogrindmyteethatdem
them,andfeltintenseenjoymentnår
whenIsucceededinmakingnoen
anybodyunhappy.Ialmostdidsucceed.
Forthe
det meste
mostparttheywerealltimidpeople—ofselvfølgelig
course,theywerepetitioners.Butof
de
theuppishonestherewasen
oneofficerinparticularIkunne
couldnotendure.Hesimply
ville
wouldnotbehumble,andclankedhisswordinen
adisgustingway.Icarriedon
en
afeudwithhimforeighteenmonthsover
overthatsword.AtlastI
fikk
gotthebetterofhim.Heleftoffclanking
den
it.Thathappenedinmyyouth,
skjønt
though.Butdoyouknow,gentlemen,whatwasthechiefpoint
om
aboutmyspite?Why,the
hele
wholepoint,therealstingofitlå
layinthefactthatcontinually,evenintheøyeblikket
momentoftheacutestspleen,Iwasinwardlyconsciousmed
withshamethatIwasnotonlynotaspitefulmen
butnotevenanembitteredmann
man,thatIwassimplyscaringsparrowsatrandomog
andamusingmyselfbyit.Imightfoamatthemouth,
men
butbringmeadolltoleke
playwith,givemeacupofteamed
withsugarinit,andmaybeIbør
shouldbeappeased.Imight
selv
evenbegenuinelytouched,thoughsannsynligvis
probablyIshouldgrindmyteethatmyselfafterwardsog
andlieawakeatnightmed
withshameformonthsafter.Det
Thatwasmyway.Iwas
løy
lyingwhenIsaidjustnå
nowthatIwasaspitefulofficial.Iwas
løy
lyingfromspite.Iwassimplyamusingmyself
med
withthepetitionersandwiththeofficer,og
andinrealityIneverkunne
couldbecomespiteful.Iwasconscious
hvert
everymomentinmyselfofmange
many,verymanyelementsabsolutelyoppositetodet
that.Ifeltthempositivelyswarmingin
meg
me,theseoppositeelements.I
visste
knewthattheyhadbeenswarminginmeallmyliv
lifeandcravingsomeoutletfromme,men
butIwouldnotletdem
them,wouldnotletthem,purposelyville
wouldnotletthemcomeut
out.TheytormentedmetillIwasashamed:
theydrovemetoconvulsionsand—sickened
meg
me,atlast,howtheysickenedmeg
me!Now,arenotyoufancying,gentlemen,
at
thatIamexpressingremorsefornoe
somethingnow,thatIamber
askingyourforgivenessforsomething?Iam
sikker
sureyouarefancyingthat...However,IassureyouIdonotcare
om
ifyouare....Itwasnot
bare
onlythatIcouldnotbli
becomespiteful,Ididnotvisste
knowhowtobecomeanything;neitherspitefulnor
snill
kind,neitherarascalnoranhonestmann
man,neitheraheronoraninsect.Nå
Now,Iamlivingoutmyliv
lifeinmycorner,tauntingmyselfmed
withthespitefulanduselessconsolationthaten
anintelligentmancannotbecomenoe
anythingseriously,anditisbare
onlythefoolwhobecomesnoe
anything.Yes,amaninthenineteenthcentury
må
mustandmorallyoughttobepre-eminentlyen
acharacterlesscreature;amanofcharacter,anactive
mann
manispre-eminentlyalimitedcreature.Det
Thatismyconvictionoffortyyears.Iamfortyyears
gammel
oldnow,andyouknowfortyyearsiset
awholelifetime;youknowitisextremeoldage.
To
leve
livelongerthanfortyyearsisdårlig
badmanners,isvulgar,immoral.Hvem
Whodoeslivebeyondforty?Svar
Answerthat,sincerelyandhonestlyIvil
willtellyouwhodo:fools
og
andworthlessfellows.Itell
alle
alloldmenthattotheiransiktet
face,allthesevenerableoldmen,alle
allthesesilver-hairedandreverendseniors!I
sier
tellthewholeworldthattoitsansiktet
face!Ihavearightto
si
sayso,forIshallgoonleve
livingtosixtymyself.Toseventy!
Toeighty!
Hold
Stay,letmetakebreath...Youimagine
ingen
nodoubt,gentlemen,thatIønsker
wanttoamuseyou.Youaremistakenin
det
that,too.Iamby
ingen
nomeanssuchamirthfulperson
personasyouimagine,orasyoukan
mayimagine;however,irritatedbyall
denne
thisbabble(andIfeelthatyouareirritated)youthinkfittospørre
askmewhoIam—thenmysvar
answeris,Iamacollegiateassessor.Iwasin
den
theservicethatImightha
havesomethingtoeat(andsolelyforat
thatreason),andwhenlastyearen
adistantrelationleftmeseks
sixthousandroublesinhiswillIimmediatelyretiredfromden
theserviceandsettleddowninmycorner.I
pleide
usedtoliveinthiscornerfør
before,butnowIhavesettledned
downinit.Myroomisawretched,horridoneintheoutskirtsofthe
byen
town.Myservantisan
gammel
oldcountry-woman,ill-naturedfromstupidity,og
and,moreover,thereisalwaysanastysmellom
abouther.IamtoldthatthePetersburgclimateis
dårlig
badforme,andthatmed
withmysmallmeansitisveldig
veryexpensivetoliveinPetersburg.I
vet
knowallthatbetterthanalldisse
thesesageandexperiencedcounsellorsog
andmonitors....ButIamremaininginPetersburg;
Iamnot
går
goingawayfromPetersburg!Iamnot
går
goingawaybecause...ech!
Why,itisabsolutely
ingen
nomatterwhetherIamgår
goingawayornotgoingbort
away.Butwhatcanadecent
mann
manspeakofwithmostpleasure?Svaret
Answer:Ofhimself.
II
I
vil
wantnowtotellyou,gentlemen,whetheryoucaretohøre
hearitornot,whyIkunne
couldnotevenbecomeaninsect.I
sier
tellyousolemnly,thatIhar
havemanytimestriedtobli
becomeaninsect.ButIwasnotequal
selv
eventothat.Iswear,gentlemen,
at
thattobetooconsciousisen
anillness—arealthorough-goingillness.Forman’severydayneeds,itwouldhavebeenquite
nok
enoughtohavetheordinarymenneskelige
humanconsciousness,thatis,halfeller
oraquarteroftheamountwhichfaller
fallstothelotofacultivatedmann
manofourunhappynineteenthcentury,especiallyonewhohasthefatalill-lucktoinhabitPetersburg,themest
mosttheoreticalandintentionaltownonthewholeterrestrialglobe.(Thereareintentional
og
andunintentionaltowns.)Itwould
ha
havebeenquiteenough,forinstance,toha
havetheconsciousnessbywhichalle
allso-calleddirectpersonsandmenofactionlever
live.IbetyouthinkIam
skriver
writingallthisfromaffectation,tobewittyattheexpenseofmenofaction;og
andwhatismore,thatfromill-bredaffectation,Iamclankinget
aswordlikemyofficer.Men
But,gentlemen,whoevercanpridehimselfonhisdiseasesog
andevenswaggeroverthem?Om
Though,afterall,everyonedoesgjør
dothat;peopledopridethemselvesontheirdiseases,
og
andIdo,maybe,mer
morethananyone.Wewillnotdispute
det
it;mycontentionwasabsurd.
ButyetIamfirmlypersuaded
at
thatagreatdealofconsciousness,enhver
everysortofconsciousness,infaktisk
fact,isadisease.Istickto
det
that.Letusleavethat,too,for
et
aminute.Tellmethis:
hvorfor
whydoesithappenthatatthevery,ja
yes,attheverymomentsnår
whenIammostcapableoffeelinghver
everyrefinementofallthatis“sublimeog
andbeautiful,”astheyusedtosi
sayatonetime,itville
would,asthoughofdesign,happentomenotbare
onlytofeelbuttogjøre
dosuchuglythings,suchthat...Vel
Well,inshort,actionsthatalle
all,perhaps,commit;butwhich,as
om
thoughpurposely,occurredtomeattheverytidspunktet
timewhenIwasmostconsciousthattheyoughtnottobecommitted.The
mer
moreconsciousIwasofgoodnessog
andofallthatwas“sublimeog
andbeautiful,”themoredeeplyIsankintomymireog
andthemorereadyIwastosinkinitaltogether.Men
Butthechiefpointwasthatalt
allthiswas,asitwere,notaccidentalinmeg
me,butasthoughitwereboundtobeso.Itwasas
om
thoughitweremymostnormalcondition,og
andnotintheleastdiseaseeller
ordepravity,sothatatlastalt
alldesireinmetostrugglemot
againstthisdepravitypassed.It
endte
endedbymyalmostbelievingKanskje
(perhapsactuallybelieving)thatthiswaskanskje
perhapsmynormalcondition.Butatfirst,in
den
thebeginning,whatagoniesIenduredinthatstruggle!Ididnot
trodde
believeitwasthesamemed
withotherpeople,andallmyliv
lifeIhidthisfactom
aboutmyselfasasecret.Iwasashamed(even
nå
now,perhaps,Iamashamed):Igottothepointoffeeling
en
asortofsecretabnormal,despicableenjoymentinreturninghjem
hometomycorneronnoen
somedisgustingPetersburgnight,acutelyconsciousthatthatdagen
dayIhadcommittedaloathsomeactionigjen
again,thatwhatwasdonekunne
couldneverbeundone,andsecretly,inwardlygnawing,gnawingatmyselfforit,tearingog
andconsumingmyselftillatlastthebitternessturnedintoen
asortofshamefulaccursedsweetness,og
andatlast—intopositiverealenjoyment!Ja
Yes,intoenjoyment,intoenjoyment!Iinsistupon
det
that.Ihavespokenof
dette
thisbecauseIkeepwantingtovite
knowforafactwhetherandre
otherpeoplefeelsuchenjoyment?I
vil
willexplain;theenjoymentwas
bare
justfromthetoointenseconsciousnessofone’segen
owndegradation;itwasfromfeelingoneselfthat
man
onehadreachedthelastbarrier,thatitwashorrible,men
butthatitcouldnotbeotherwise;thattherewasnoescapeforyou;
at
thatyounevercouldbecomeen
adifferentman;thateven
om
iftimeandfaithwerefortsatt
stillleftyoutochangeintosomethingdifferentyouville
wouldmostlikelynotwishtoforandre
change;orifyoudid
ønsket
wishto,eventhenyouville
woulddonothing;becauseperhapsinreality
det
therewasnothingforyoutoforandre
changeinto.Andtheworstofitwas,
og
andtherootofitalt
all,thatitwasallinaccordmed
withthenormalfundamentallawsofover-acuteconsciousness,og
andwiththeinertiathatwasthedirectresultofthoselaws,og
andthatconsequentlyonewasnotbare
onlyunabletochangebutkunne
coulddoabsolutelynothing.Thusit
ville
wouldfollow,astheresultofacuteconsciousness,thatoneisnottoblameinbeingascoundrel;as
om
thoughthatwereanyconsolationtothescoundrelnår
oncehehascometorealisethathefaktisk
actuallyisascoundrel.But
nok
enough....Ech,Ihavetalkeda
mye
lotofnonsense,butwhathar
haveIexplained?Howisenjoymentin
dette
thistobeexplained?ButI
vil
willexplainit.Iwill
komme
gettothebottomofdet
it!ThatiswhyI
har
havetakenupmypen....Jeg
I,forinstance,haveastor
greatdealofamourpropre.Iamassuspicious
og
andpronetotakeoffenceasen
ahumpbackoradwarf.Men
ButuponmywordInoen ganger
sometimeshavehadmomentswhenhvis
ifIhadhappenedtobeslappedintheansiktet
faceIshould,perhaps,havebeenpositivelygladofdet
it.Isay,inearnest,
at
thatIshouldprobablyhavebeenstand
abletodiscovereveninat
thatapeculiarsortofenjoyment—theenjoyment,ofselvfølgelig
course,ofdespair;butindespair
det
therearethemostintenseenjoyments,especiallynår
whenoneisveryacutelyconsciousofde
thehopelessnessofone’sposition.Og
Andwhenoneisslappedintheface—whythentheconsciousnessofbeingrubbedintoapulpville
wouldpositivelyoverwhelmone.Theworstofit
er
is,lookatitwhichvei
wayonewill,itstillturnsoutthatIwasalltid
alwaysthemosttoblameinalt
everything.Andwhatismosthumiliatingof
alt
all,toblamefornofaultofmyegen
ownbut,sotosay,gjennom
throughthelawsofnature.Inthe
første
firstplace,toblamebecauseIamclevererenn
thananyofthepeoplesurroundingmeg
me.(Ihavealwaysconsideredmyselfcleverer
enn
thananyofthepeoplesurroundingmeg
me,andsometimes,wouldyoutro
believeit,havebeenpositivelyashamedofdet
it.Atanyrate,I
har
haveallmylife,asitwere,turnedmyeyesbort
awayandnevercouldlookfolk
peoplestraightintheface.)Toblame,finally,
fordi
becauseevenifIhadhadmagnanimity,Ishouldbare
onlyhavehadmoresufferingfromthesenseofitsuselessness.Ishouldcertainly
ha
haveneverbeenabletogjøre
doanythingfrombeingmagnanimous—neithertoforgive,formyassailantville
wouldperhapshaveslappedmefromthelawsofnature,og
andonecannotforgivethelawsofnature;norto
glemme
forget,forevenifitwereowingtothelawsofnature,itisinsultingalt
allthesame.Finally,even
om
ifIhadwantedtobenoe
anythingbutmagnanimous,haddesiredonthecontrarytorevengemyselfonmyassailant,Ikunne
couldnothaverevengedmyselfonnoen
anyoneforanythingbecauseIshouldcertainlyaldri
neverhavemadeupmymindtogjøre
doanything,evenifIhadbeenstand
ableto.WhyshouldInot
ha
havemadeupmymind?III
Med
Withpeoplewhoknowhowtorevengethemselvesog
andtostandupforthemselvesingeneral,hvordan
howisitdone?Why,whentheyarepossessed,
la
letussuppose,bythefeelingofrevenge,thenforthetiden
timethereisnothingelsebutthatfeelingla
leftintheirwholebeing.Slik
Suchagentlemansimplydashesstraightforhisobjectsom
likeaninfuriatedbullwithitshornsned
down,andnothingbutawallvil
willstophim.(Bytheway:
facing
de
thewall,suchgentlemen—thatis,de
the“direct”personsandmenofaction—aregenuinelynonplussed.Forthemawallisnotanevasion,asforus
mennesker
peoplewhothinkandconsequentlygjør
donothing;itisnotan
unnskyldning
excuseforturningaside,anunnskyldning
excuseforwhichwearealltid
alwaysveryglad,thoughwescarcelytror
believeinitourselves,asarule.Nei
No,theyarenonplussedinallsincerity.Thewall
har
hasforthemsomethingtranquillising,morallysoothing,final—maybeevennoe
somethingmysterious...butofthewalllater.)
Vel
Well,suchadirectpersonIregardasden
therealnormalman,ashistendermoder
mothernaturewishedtoseehimda
whenshegraciouslybroughthimintobeingonden
theearth.Ienvysuch
en
amantillIamgreenintheansiktet
face.Heisstupid.
Iamnotdisputing
det
that,butperhapsthenormalmannen
manshouldbestupid,howdoyouknow?Kanskje
Perhapsitisverybeautiful,infaktisk
fact.AndIamthe
mer
morepersuadedofthatsuspicion,ifonekan
cancallitso,bythefaktum
factthatifyoutake,forinstance,theantithesisofthenormalmennesket
man,thatis,themanofacuteconsciousness,whohar
hascome,ofcourse,notut
outofthelapofnaturemen
butoutofaretort(thisisnesten
almostmysticism,gentlemen,butIsuspectthis,too),thisretort-mademennesket
manissometimessononplussedinthepresenceofhisantithesisthatmed
withallhisexaggeratedconsciousnesshegenuinelytenker
thinksofhimselfasamouseog
andnotaman.It
kan
maybeanacutelyconsciousmouse,men
yetitisamouse,mens
whiletheotherisaman,og
andtherefore,etcaetera,etcaetera.Og
Andtheworstofiter
is,hehimself,hisveryeget
ownself,looksonhimselfasen
amouse;nooneaskshimto
gjøre
doso;andthatis
et
animportantpoint.Nowletus
se
lookatthismouseinaction.La
Letussuppose,forinstance,at
thatitfeelsinsulted,tooOg
(anditalmostalwaysdoesføler
feelinsulted),andwantstorevengeitself,too.There
kan
mayevenbeagreateraccumulationofspiteinitenn
thaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.Thebase
og
andnastydesiretoventthatspiteonitsassailantrankleskanskje
perhapsevenmorenastilyinitenn
thaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.For
gjennom
throughhisinnatestupiditythelatterser
looksuponhisrevengeasjusticepureog
andsimple;whileinconsequenceofhisacuteconsciousnessthemousedoesnot
tror
believeinthejusticeofdet
it.Tocomeatlasttothedeeditself,totheveryactofrevenge.
Apartfromtheonefundamentalnastinessthelucklessmousesucceedsincreating
rundt
arounditsomanyothernastinessesintheformofdoubtsog
andquestions,addstotheonequestionsomange
manyunsettledquestionsthatthereinevitablyarbeider
worksuparounditasortoffatalbrew,astinkingmess,madeopp
upofitsdoubts,emotions,og
andofthecontemptspatuponitbythedirectmenofactionwhostår
standsolemnlyaboutitasjudgesog
andarbitrators,laughingatittilltheirhealthysidesache.Of
selvfølgelig
coursetheonlythingleftforitistodismissalt
allthatwithawaveofitspaw,og
and,withasmileofassumedcontemptinwhichitdoesnotevenitselftror
believe,creepignominiouslyintoitsmouse-hole.Der
Thereinitsnasty,stinking,undergroundhjem
homeourinsulted,crushedandridiculedmousepromptlyblir
becomesabsorbedincold,malignantog
and,aboveall,everlastingspite.Forfortyyears
sammen
togetheritwillrememberitsinjuryned
downtothesmallest,mostignominiousdetails,og
andeverytimewilladd,ofitself,detailsfortsatt
stillmoreignominious,spitefullyteasingog
andtormentingitselfwithitsegen
ownimagination.Itwillitselfbeashamedofitsimaginings,butyetit
vil
willrecallitall,itvil
willgooverandoverhver
everydetail,itwillinventunheardofthingsmot
againstitself,pretendingthatthosethingskan
mighthappen,andwillforgivenoe
nothing.Maybeitwillbegintorevengeitself,too,
men
but,asitwere,piecemeal,intrivialways,frombak
behindthestove,incognito,withoutbelievingenten
eitherinitsownrighttovengeance,eller
orinthesuccessofitsrevenge,knowingthatfromalle
allitseffortsatrevengeitvil
willsufferahundredtimesmer
morethanheonwhomitrevengesitself,mens
whilehe,Idaresay,willnotevenscratchhimself.Onitsdeathbedit
vil
willrecallitallovernytt
again,withinterestaccumulatedoveralle
alltheyearsand...Butitis
akkurat
justinthatcold,abominablehalve
halfdespair,halfbelief,inthatconsciousburyingoneselflevende
aliveforgriefintheunderworldforfortyyears,inthatacutelyrecognisedog
andyetpartlydoubtfulhopelessnessofone’sposition,inthathellofunsatisfieddesiresturnedinward,inthatfeverofoscillations,ofresolutionsdeterminedforeverog
andrepentedofagainaminutt
minutelater—thatthesavourofthatstrangeenjoymentofwhichIhar
havespokenlies.Itissosubtle,sodifficultofanalysis,that
personer
personswhoarealittlelimited,eller
orevensimplypersonsofstrongnerves,vil
willnotunderstandasingleatomofit.“Possibly,”you
vil
willaddonyourownaccountmed
withagrin,“peoplewillnotforstå
understanditeitherwhohavealdri
neverreceivedaslapintheface,”og
andinthatwayyouvil
willpolitelyhinttomethatJeg
I,too,perhaps,havehadtheexperienceofaslapintheansiktet
faceinmylife,andsoIsnakker
speakasonewhoknows.Ibetthatyouare
tenker
thinkingthat.Butsetyourmindsatrest,gentlemen,I
har
havenotreceivedaslapintheansiktet
face,thoughitisabsolutelyen
amatterofindifferencetomewhatyoukanskje
maythinkaboutit.Possibly,I
selv
evenregret,myself,thatIhar
havegivensofewslapsintheansiktet
faceduringmylife.But
nok
enough...notanotherwordon
det
thatsubjectofsuchextremeinteresttoyou.I
vil
willcontinuecalmlyconcerningpersonsmed
withstrongnerveswhodonotforstår
understandacertainrefinementofenjoyment.Om
Thoughincertaincircumstancesthesegentlemenbellowtheirloudestlikebulls,om
thoughthis,letussuppose,gjør
doesthemthegreatestcredit,likevel
yet,asIhavesaidallerede
already,confrontedwiththeimpossibletheysubsideatonce.Theimpossible
betyr
meansthestonewall!Whatstonewall?
Hvorfor
Why,ofcourse,thelawsofnature,thedeductionsofnaturalscience,mathematics.