I
Iama
malato
sickman....Iamaspiteful
uomo
man.Iamanunattractive
uomo
man.Ibelievemyliverisdiseased.
However,I
so
knownothingatallaboutmydisease,e
anddonotknowforcertainwhatailsme.Idon’tconsult
un
adoctorforit,andneverho
have,thoughIhavearespectformedicinee
anddoctors.Besides,Iamextremelysuperstitious,sufficientlysotorespectmedicine,anyway(Iamwell-educated
abbastanza
enoughnottobesuperstitious,ma
butIamsuperstitious).No,Irefusetoconsult
un
adoctorfromspite.Thatyou
probabilmente
probablywillnotunderstand.Well,I
capisco
understandit,though.Ofcourse,Ican’texplainwhoitispreciselythatIammortifyingin
questo
thiscasebymyspite:Iamperfectlywellaware
che
thatIcannot“payout”i
thedoctorsbynotconsultingthem;I
so
knowbetterthananyonethatbytutto
allthisIamonlyinjuringmyselfe
andnooneelse.Butstill,
se
ifIdon’tconsultadottore
doctoritisfromspite.Myliveris
cattivo
bad,well—letitgetworse!Ihavebeengoingonlikethatfora
molto tempo
longtime—twentyyears.NowIamforty.
Iusedtobeinthegovernmentservice,
ma
butamnolonger.Iwas
un
aspitefulofficial.Iwasrude
e
andtookpleasureinbeingso.Ididnot
preso
takebribes,yousee,soIwasboundtotrovare
findarecompenseinthat,atalmeno
least.(Apoorjest,butIwillnotscratchitout.
Iwroteit
pensando
thinkingitwouldsoundverywitty;ma
butnowthatIhavevisto
seenmyselfthatIonlywantedtomostra
showoffinadespicablemodo
way,Iwillnotscratchitoutonpurpose!)Quando
Whenpetitionersusedtocomeforinformationtoi
thetableatwhichIsedevo
sat,Iusedtogrindmyteethatloro
them,andfeltintenseenjoymentquando
whenIsucceededinmakingqualcuno
anybodyunhappy.Ialmostdidsucceed.
For
la
themostparttheyweretutti
alltimidpeople—ofcourse,theywerepetitioners.Ma
Butoftheuppishonestherewasun
oneofficerinparticularIcouldnotendure.Hesimplywouldnotbehumble,
e
andclankedhisswordinadisgustingmodo
way.Icarriedonafeudwithhimforeighteenmonthsoverthatsword.
AtlastIgotthebetterofhim.
Heleftoffclankingit.
That
successo
happenedinmyyouth,though.Ma
Butdoyouknow,gentlemen,whatwasil
thechiefpointaboutmyspite?Why,thewhole
punto
point,therealstingofitlayinthefatto
factthatcontinually,eveninthemomento
momentoftheacutestspleen,Iwasinwardlyconsciouswithshameche
thatIwasnotonlynotaspitefulma
butnotevenanembittereduomo
man,thatIwassimplyscaringsparrowsatrandome
andamusingmyselfbyit.I
potrei
mightfoamatthemouth,ma
butbringmeadolltogiocare
playwith,givemeacupofteawithsugarinit,e
andmaybeIshouldbeappeased.I
potrei
mightevenbegenuinelytouched,anche se
thoughprobablyIshouldgrindmyteethatmyselfafterwardse
andlieawakeatnightwithshameformonthsafter.Thatwasmy
modo
way.IwaslyingwhenI
detto
saidjustnowthatIwasun
aspitefulofficial.Iwas
mentendo
lyingfromspite.Iwassimplyamusingmyselfwith
i
thepetitionersandwiththeofficer,e
andinrealityInevercoulddiventare
becomespiteful.Iwasconscious
ogni
everymomentinmyselfofmolti
many,verymanyelementsabsolutelyoppositetothat.I
sentivo
feltthempositivelyswarminginme
me,theseoppositeelements.I
sapevo
knewthattheyhadbeenswarminginmeallmyvita
lifeandcravingsomeoutletfromme
me,butIwouldnotletli
them,wouldnotletthem,purposelywouldnotletthemcomeuscire
out.TheytormentedmetillIwasashamed:
theydrovemetoconvulsionsand—sickened
mi
me,atlast,howtheysickenedmi
me!Now,arenotyoufancying,gentlemen,
che
thatIamexpressingremorseforqualcosa
somethingnow,thatIamchiedendo
askingyourforgivenessforsomething?Iam
sicuro
sureyouarefancyingthat...However,IassureyouIdonotcare
se
ifyouare....Itwasnot
solo
onlythatIcouldnotdiventare
becomespiteful,Ididnotsapevo
knowhowtobecomeanything;neitherspitefulnorkind,neitherarascalnoranhonestman,neitheraheronoraninsect.
Ora
Now,Iamlivingoutmylifeinmycorner,tauntingmyselfwiththespitefule
anduselessconsolationthatanintelligentuomo
mancannotbecomeanythingseriously,e
anditisonlythefoolwhobecomesqualcosa
anything.Yes,amaninthenineteenthcentury
deve
mustandmorallyoughttobepre-eminentlyacharacterlesscreature;a
uomo
manofcharacter,anactiveuomo
manispre-eminentlyalimitedcreature.Thatismyconvictionoffortyyears.
Iamfortyyearsold
ora
now,andyouknowfortyyearsisun
awholelifetime;youknowitisextremeoldage.
To
vivere
livelongerthanfortyyearsiscattivo
badmanners,isvulgar,immoral.Chi
Whodoeslivebeyondforty?Rispondi
Answerthat,sincerelyandhonestlyIwilldirò
tellyouwhodo:fools
e
andworthlessfellows.Itell
tutti
alloldmenthattotheirfaccia
face,allthesevenerableoldmen,tutti
allthesesilver-hairedandreverendseniors!I
dico
tellthewholeworldthattoitsfaccia
face!Ihavearighttosayso,forIshallgoon
vivere
livingtosixtymyself.Toseventy!
Toeighty!
Resta
Stay,letmetakebreath...Youimaginenodoubt,gentlemen,
che
thatIwanttoamuseyou.Youaremistakeninthat,too.
Iamby
non
nomeanssuchamirthfulpersonasyouimagine,o
orasyoumayimagine;however,irritatedby
tutte
allthisbabble(andIfeelthatyouareirritated)youthinkfittoaskmewhoIam—thenmyrisposta
answeris,Iamacollegiateassessor.IwasintheservicethatImight
avere
havesomethingtoeat(andsolelyforthatreason),e
andwhenlastyearadistantrelationlasciò
leftmesixthousandroublesinhiswillIimmediatelyretiredfromtheservicee
andsettleddowninmycorner.Iusedto
vivevo
liveinthiscornerbefore,ma
butnowIhavesettleddowninit.Myroomisawretched,horridonein
la
theoutskirtsofthetown.Myservantisanoldcountry-woman,ill-naturedfromstupidity,
e
and,moreover,thereisalwaysanastysmellsu
abouther.Iamtold
che
thatthePetersburgclimateiscattivo
badforme,andthatwithmysmalldetto
meansitisveryexpensivetovivere
liveinPetersburg.Iknow
tutti
allthatbetterthanallthesesagee
andexperiencedcounsellorsandmonitors....Ma
ButIamremaininginPetersburg;Iamnot
andrò
goingawayfromPetersburg!Iamnot
vado
goingawaybecause...ech!
Perché
Why,itisabsolutelynomatterwhetherIamvado
goingawayornotgoingaway.Ma
Butwhatcanadecentuomo
manspeakofwithmostpleasure?Risposta
Answer:Ofhimself.
II
Iwant
ora
nowtotellyou,gentlemen,whetheryoucaretohearito
ornot,whyIcouldnotnemmeno
evenbecomeaninsect.I
dico
tellyousolemnly,thatIho
havemanytimestriedtodiventare
becomeaninsect.ButIwasnotequal
nemmeno
eventothat.Iswear,gentlemen,
che
thattobetooconsciousisuna
anillness—arealthorough-goingillness.Forman’severydayneeds,itwould
avere
havebeenquiteenoughtoavere
havetheordinaryhumanconsciousness,thatis,metà
halforaquarteroftheamountwhichcade
fallstothelotofacultivateduomo
manofourunhappynineteenthcentury,especiallyonewhohasthefatalill-lucktoinhabitPetersburg,thepiù
mosttheoreticalandintentionaltownonthewholeterrestrialglobe.(Thereareintentional
e
andunintentionaltowns.)Itwould
avere
havebeenquiteenough,forinstance,toavere
havetheconsciousnessbywhichtutte
allso-calleddirectpersonsandmenofactionvivono
live.IbetyouthinkIam
scrivendo
writingallthisfromaffectation,tobewittyattheexpenseofmenofaction;e
andwhatismore,thatfromill-bredaffectation,Iamclankinguna
aswordlikemyofficer.Ma
But,gentlemen,whoevercanpridehimselfonhisdiseasese
andevenswaggeroverthem?Anche se
Though,afterall,everyonedoesfanno
dothat;peopledopridethemselvesontheirdiseases,
e
andIdo,maybe,moredi
thananyone.Wewillnotdispute
lo
it;mycontentionwasabsurd.
Ma
ButyetIamfirmlypersuadedche
thatagreatdealofconsciousness,ogni
everysortofconsciousness,inrealtà
fact,isadisease.Isticktothat.
Lasciamo
Letusleavethat,too,forun
aminute.Tellmethis:
perché
whydoesithappenthatatthevery,sì
yes,attheverymomentswhenIampiù
mostcapableoffeelingeveryrefinementoftutto
allthatis“sublimeandbeautiful,”astheyusedtodiceva
sayatonetime,itwould,asthoughofdesign,happentomenotsolo
onlytofeelbuttofare
dosuchuglythings,suchche
that...Well,inshort,actions
che
thatall,perhaps,commit;butwhich,asthoughpurposely,occurredtomeattheverytime
quando
whenIwasmostconsciousthattheyoughtnottobecommitted.The
più
moreconsciousIwasofgoodnesse
andofallthatwas“sublimee
andbeautiful,”themoredeeplyIsankintomymiree
andthemorereadyIwastosinkinitaltogether.Ma
Butthechiefpointwasche
thatallthiswas,asitwere,notaccidentalinme
me,butasthoughitwereboundtobeso.Itwasasthoughitweremy
più
mostnormalcondition,andnotintheleastdiseaseo
ordepravity,sothatatlasttutto
alldesireinmetostrugglecontro
againstthisdepravitypassed.Itendedbymy
quasi
almostbelieving(perhapsactuallybelieving)che
thatthiswasperhapsmynormalcondition.Ma
Butatfirst,inthebeginning,whatagoniesIenduredinche
thatstruggle!Ididnot
credevo
believeitwasthesamedi
withotherpeople,andallmyvita
lifeIhidthisfactaboutmyselfasun
asecret.Iwasashamed(even
ora
now,perhaps,Iamashamed):I
arrivato
gottothepointofsentire
feelingasortofsecretabnormal,despicableenjoymentintornare
returninghometomycorneronsomedisgustingPetersburgnotte
night,acutelyconsciousthatthatgiorno
dayIhadcommittedaloathsomeactiondi nuovo
again,thatwhatwasdonecouldneverbeundone,e
andsecretly,inwardlygnawing,gnawingatmyselfforit,tearinge
andconsumingmyselftillatlastthebitternessturnedintoasorta
sortofshamefulaccursedsweetness,e
andatlast—intopositiverealenjoyment!Sì
Yes,intoenjoyment,intoenjoyment!Iinsistuponthat.
I
ho
havespokenofthisbecauseIkeepwantingtosapere
knowforafactwhetherotherpersone
peoplefeelsuchenjoyment?Iwillexplain;
il
theenjoymentwasjustfromil
thetoointenseconsciousnessofone’sowndegradation;itwasfromfeelingoneself
che
thatonehadreachedthelastbarrier,che
thatitwashorrible,butche
thatitcouldnotbeotherwise;che
thattherewasnoescapeforyou;che
thatyounevercouldbecomeun
adifferentman;thateven
se
iftimeandfaithwereancora
stillleftyoutochangeintoqualcosa
somethingdifferentyouwouldmostlikelynotwishtocambiare
change;orifyoudidwishto,eventhenyou
volessi
woulddonothing;becauseperhapsinrealitytherewas
niente
nothingforyoutochangeinto.E
Andtheworstofitwas,e
andtherootofittutto
all,thatitwasallinaccordwiththenormalfundamentallawsofover-acuteconsciousness,e
andwiththeinertiathatwasthedirectresultofthoselaws,e
andthatconsequentlyonewasnotsolo
onlyunabletochangebutcouldfare
doabsolutelynothing.Thusitwould
seguirebbe
follow,astheresultofacuteconsciousness,che
thatoneisnottoblameinbeingascoundrel;asthough
che
thatwereanyconsolationtoil
thescoundreloncehehascometorealiseche
thatheactuallyisascoundrel.Ma
Butenough....Ech,Ihavetalked
un
alotofnonsense,butwhatho
haveIexplained?Howisenjoymentin
questo
thistobeexplained?ButIwillexplain
lo
it.Iwillgetto
il
thebottomofit!ThatiswhyI
ho
havetakenupmypen....Ho
I,forinstance,haveagrande
greatdealofamourpropre.Iamassuspicious
e
andpronetotakeoffenceasun
ahumpbackoradwarf.Ma
ButuponmywordIa volte
sometimeshavehadmomentswhense
ifIhadhappenedtobeslappedinthefaccia
faceIshould,perhaps,havebeenpositivelygladofesso
it.Isay,inearnest,
che
thatIshouldprobablyhavebeenabletodiscovereveninche
thatapeculiarsortofenjoyment—theenjoyment,ofcourse,ofdespair;ma
butindespairtherearei
themostintenseenjoyments,especiallyquando
whenoneisveryacutelyconsciousofi
thehopelessnessofone’sposition.E
Andwhenoneisslappedinla
theface—whythentheconsciousnessofbeingrubbedintoapulpwouldpositivelyoverwhelmone.Il
Theworstofitis,guarda
lookatitwhichwayonewill,itancora
stillturnsoutthatIwassempre
alwaysthemosttoblameintutto
everything.Andwhatismosthumiliatingof
tutto
all,toblamefornofaultofmyownma
but,sotosay,throughle
thelawsofnature.Inthe
primo
firstplace,toblamebecauseIamclevererthanqualsiasi
anyofthepeoplesurroundingme.(Ihave
sempre
alwaysconsideredmyselfclevererthanqualsiasi
anyofthepeoplesurroundingme,e
andsometimes,wouldyoubelieveit,havebeenpositivelyashamedofit.At
ogni
anyrate,Ihaveallmyvita
life,asitwere,turnedmyeyesawaye
andnevercouldlookpeoplestraightintheface.)Toblame,finally,
perché
becauseevenifIhadhadmagnanimity,Ishouldsolo
onlyhavehadmoresufferingfromla
thesenseofitsuselessness.Ishouldcertainly
avrebbe
haveneverbeenabletofare
doanythingfrombeingmagnanimous—neithertoforgive,formyassailantwouldforse
perhapshaveslappedmefromthelawsofnature,e
andonecannotforgivethelawsofnature;norto
dimenticare
forget,forevenifitwereowingtothelawsofnature,itisinsultingallthesame.Finally,even
se
ifIhadwantedtobeanythingbutmagnanimous,haddesiredonthecontrarytorevengemyselfonmyassailant,Icouldnothaverevengedmyselfonanyoneforanythingperché
becauseIshouldcertainlyneverhavefare
madeupmymindtofare
doanything,evenifIhadbeenableto.WhyshouldInot
avrei
havemadeupmymind?III
With
persone
peoplewhoknowhowtorevengethemselvese
andtostandupforthemselvesingeneral,come
howisitdone?Why,
quando
whentheyarepossessed,letussuppose,byil
thefeelingofrevenge,thenforil
thetimethereisnothingelsebutche
thatfeelingleftintheirwholebeing.Tale
Suchagentlemansimplydashesstraightforhisobjectcome
likeaninfuriatedbullwithitshornsdown,e
andnothingbutawallwillfermerà
stophim.(Bytheway:
facing
le
thewall,suchgentlemen—thatis,le
the“direct”personsandmenofaction—aregenuinelynonplussed.Forthemawallisnotanevasion,asforus
persone
peoplewhothinkandconsequentlyfacciamo
donothing;itisnotan
scusa
excuseforturningaside,anscusa
excuseforwhichwearesempre
alwaysveryglad,thoughwescarcelycrediamo
believeinitourselves,asarule.No,theyarenonplussedinallsincerity.
Il
Thewallhasforthemqualcosa
somethingtranquillising,morallysoothing,final—maybeevenqualcosa
somethingmysterious...butofthewalllater.)
Well,such
una
adirectpersonIregardasthevero
realnormalman,ashistendermadre
mothernaturewishedtoseehimquando
whenshegraciouslybroughthimintobeingontheterra
earth.Ienvysucha
uomo
mantillIamgreeninla
theface.Heisstupid.
Iamnotdisputingthat,
ma
butperhapsthenormalmandovrebbe
shouldbestupid,howdoyouknow?Forse
Perhapsitisverybeautiful,infact.E
AndIamthemorepersuadedofthatsuspicion,se
ifonecancallitso,bythefatto
factthatifyoutake,forinstance,theantithesisofthenormaluomo
man,thatis,themanofacuteconsciousness,whohasvenuto
come,ofcourse,notoutofthelapofnaturema
butoutofaretortQuesto
(thisisalmostmysticism,gentlemen,ma
butIsuspectthis,too),questo
thisretort-mademanissometimessononplussedinthepresenceofhisantithesisthatwithallhisexaggeratedconsciousnesshegenuinelypensa
thinksofhimselfasamousee
andnotaman.Itmaybeanacutelyconsciousmouse,yetitisamouse,
mentre
whiletheotherisauomo
man,andtherefore,etcaetera,etcaetera.E
Andtheworstofitè
is,hehimself,hisveryownself,looksonhimselfasun
amouse;nooneaskshimtodoso;
e
andthatisanimportantpunto
point.Nowletuslookat
questo
thismouseinaction.Letussuppose,forinstance,
che
thatitfeelsinsulted,tooE
(anditalmostalwaysdoesfeelinsulted),e
andwantstorevengeitself,too.Theremayevenbe
un
agreateraccumulationofspiteinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.Il
Thebaseandnastydesiretoventthatspiteonitsassailantranklesforse
perhapsevenmorenastilyinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.For
attraverso
throughhisinnatestupiditythelatterlooksuponhisrevengeasjusticepuree
andsimple;whileinconsequenceofhisacuteconsciousness
il
themousedoesnotbelieveinil
thejusticeofit.Tocomeatlasttothedeeditself,totheveryactofrevenge.
Apartfromtheonefundamentalnastinessthelucklessmousesucceedsincreating
attorno
arounditsomanyothernastinessesintheformofdoubtse
andquestions,addstotheonedomanda
questionsomanyunsettledquestionsthatthereinevitablyworksupattorno
arounditasortoffatalbrew,astinkingmess,madeupofitsdoubts,emotions,e
andofthecontemptspatuponitbythedirectmenofactionwhostanno
standsolemnlyaboutitasjudgese
andarbitrators,laughingatittilltheirhealthysidesache.Ofcoursetheonly
cosa
thingleftforitistodismisstutto
allthatwithawaveofitspaw,e
and,withasmileofassumedcontemptinwhichitdoesnotnemmeno
evenitselfbelieve,creepignominiouslyintoitsmouse-hole.Thereinitsnasty,stinking,underground
casa
homeourinsulted,crushedandridiculedmousepromptlydiventa
becomesabsorbedincold,malignante
and,aboveall,everlastingspite.Forfortyyears
insieme
togetheritwillrememberitsinjurydowntothesmallest,mostignominiousdetails,e
andeverytimewilladd,ofitself,detailsancora
stillmoreignominious,spitefullyteasinge
andtormentingitselfwithitsownimagination.Itwillitselfbeashamedofitsimaginings,
ma
butyetitwillrecallittutto
all,itwillgoovere
andovereverydetail,itwillinventunheardofthingscontro
againstitself,pretendingthatthosethingspossano
mighthappen,andwillforgivenulla
nothing.Maybeitwillbegintorevengeitself,too,
ma
but,asitwere,piecemeal,intrivialways,fromdietro
behindthestove,incognito,withoutcredere
believingeitherinitsowndiritto
righttovengeance,orinthesuccessofitsrevenge,sapendo
knowingthatfromallitseffortsatrevengeitwillsufferahundredtimespiù
morethanheonwhomitrevengesitself,mentre
whilehe,Idaresay,willnotnemmeno
evenscratchhimself.Onitsdeathbeditwillrecallitallover
di nuovo
again,withinterestaccumulatedoveralltheyearse
and...Butitis
proprio
justinthatcold,abominablemetà
halfdespair,halfbelief,inthatconsciousburyingoneselfaliveforgriefinil
theunderworldforfortyyears,inthatacutelyrecognisede
andyetpartlydoubtfulhopelessnessofone’sposition,inthathellofunsatisfieddesiresturnedinward,inthatfeverofoscillations,ofresolutionsdeterminedforevere
andrepentedofagainaminuto
minutelater—thatthesavourofthatstrangeenjoymentofwhichIho
havespokenlies.Itissosubtle,sodifficultofanalysis,that
persone
personswhoarealittlelimited,o
orevensimplypersonsofstrongnerves,willnotcapiranno
understandasingleatomofit.“Possibly,”youwilladdonyourownaccountwithagrin,“peoplewillnotunderstanditeitherwhohaveneverreceivedaslapintheface,”
e
andinthatwayyouwillpolitelyhinttomethatI,too,perhaps,havehadtheexperienceofaslapinthefaccia
faceinmylife,andsoIparlo
speakasonewhoknows.Ibet
che
thatyouarethinkingthat.Ma
Butsetyourmindsatstate
rest,gentlemen,Ihavenotreceiveduna
aslapintheface,anche se
thoughitisabsolutelyaquestione
matterofindifferencetomewhatyoumaypensare
thinkaboutit.Possibly,Ievenregret,myself,thatIhave
dato
givensofewslapsinla
thefaceduringmylife.Ma
Butenough...notanother
parola
wordonthatsubjectoftale
suchextremeinteresttoyou.Iwillcontinuecalmlyconcerning
persone
personswithstrongnerveswhodonotcapiscono
understandacertainrefinementofenjoyment.Thoughincertaincircumstancesthesegentlemenbellowtheirloudestlikebulls,though
questo
this,letussuppose,doesthemil
thegreatestcredit,yet,asIho
havesaidalready,confrontedwithil
theimpossibletheysubsideatonce.Il
Theimpossiblemeansthestonewall!Whatstonewall?
Perché
Why,ofcourse,thelawsofnature,thedeductionsofnaturalscience,mathematics.