CHAPTERI
IfithadnotrainedonacertainMaymorningValancyStirling’swholelifewouldhavebeen
sama sekali
entirelydifferent.Shewouldhavegone,withtherestofherclan,toAuntWellington’s
pertunangan
engagementpicnicandDr.TrentwouldhavegonetoMontreal.Butitdidrainandyoushallhearwhathappenedtoherbecauseofit.
Valancywakenedearly,inthelifeless,hopelesshourjustprecedingdawn.
Shehadnotsleptverywell.
Onedoesnotsleepwell,sometimes,whenoneistwenty-nineonthemorrow,and
belum menikah
unmarried,inacommunityandconnectionwherethebelum menikah
unmarriedaresimplythosewhohavefailedtogetaman.DeerwoodandtheStirlingshadlongsincerelegatedValancytohopelessoldmaidenhood.
ButValancyherselfhadneverquite
melepaskan
relinquishedacertainpitiful,shamed,littlehopethatRomance
Romancewouldcomeherwayyet—never,untilthiswet,horriblemorning,whenshewakenedtothefactthatshewastwenty-nineandunsoughtbyanyman.Ay,therelaythesting.
Valancydidnotmindsomuchbeinganoldmaid.
Afterall,shethought,beinganoldmaidcouldn’tpossiblybeasdreadfulasbeingmarriedtoanUncleWellingtonoranUncleBenjamin,orevenanUncleHerbert.
Whathurtherwasthatshehadneverhadachancetobeanythingbutanoldmaid.
Nomanhadeverdesiredher.
Thetearscameintohereyesasshelaytherealoneinthe
samar
faintlygreyingdarkness.Shedarednotletherselfcryashardasshewantedto,fortworeasons.
Shewasafraidthatcryingmightbringonanotherattackofthatpainaroundtheheart.
Shehadhadaspellofitaftershehadgotintobed—ratherworsethananyshehadhadyet.
Andshewasafraidhermotherwouldnoticeherredeyesatbreakfastandkeepatherwithminute,persistent,mosquito-likequestionsregardingthecausethereof.
“Suppose,”thoughtValancywitha
mengerikan
ghastlygrin,“Iansweredwiththeplaintruth,‘IamcryingbecauseIcannotgetmarried.’HowhorrifiedMotherwouldbe—thoughsheisashamedeverydayofherlifeofheroldmaiddaughter.”Butofcourseappearancesshouldbekeptup.
“Itisnot,”Valancycouldhearhermother’sprim,dictatorialvoice
menegaskan
asserting,“itisnotmaidenlytothinkaboutmen.”Thethoughtofhermother’s
ekspresi
expressionmadeValancylaugh—forshehadasenseofhumournobodyinherclansuspected.Forthatmatter,therewereagoodmanythingsaboutValancythatnobodysuspected.
Butherlaughterwasvery
dangkal
superficialandpresentlyshelaythere,ahuddled,sia
futilelittlefigure,listeningtotherainpouringdownoutsideandwatching,withasickdistaste,thechill,mercilesslightcreepingintoherugly,sordidroom.Sheknewtheuglinessofthatroombyheart—knewitandhatedit.
Theyellow-paintedfloor,withonehideous,“hooked”
karpet
rugbythebed,withagrotesque,“hooked”dogonit,alwaysgrinningatherwhensheawoke;thefaded,dark-redpaper;
the
langit
ceilingdiscolouredbyoldleaksandcrossedbycracks;the
sempit
narrow,pinchedlittlewashstand;thebrown-paperlambrequinwith
ungu
purplerosesonit;thespottedoldlooking-glasswiththecrackacrossit,proppeduponthe
memadai
inadequatedressing-table;thejarofancientpotpourrimadebyhermotherinhermythical
bulan madu
honeymoon;theshell-coveredbox,withone
pecah
burstcorner,whichCousinStickleshadmadeinhersama
equallymythicalgirlhood;thebeadedpincushionwithhalfits
manik
beadfringegone;theone
kaku
stiff,yellowchair;thefadedoldmotto,“Gonebutnotforgotten,”workedincolouredyarnsaboutGreat-grand-motherStirling’s
suram
grimoldface;theoldphotographsofancientrelativeslongbanishedfromtheroomsbelow.
Therewereonlytwopicturesthatwerenotofrelatives.
One,anoldchromoofa
anjing
puppysittingonarainyambang pintu
doorstep.ThatpicturealwaysmadeValancyunhappy.
Thatforlornlittledogcrouchedonthe
ambang pintu
doorstepinthedrivingrain!Whydidn’tsomeoneopenthedoorandlethimin?
Theotherpicturewasafaded,passe-partoutedengravingofQueenLouisecomingdowna
tangga
stairway,whichAuntWellingtonhadlavishlygivenheronhertenthbirthday.Fornineteenyearsshehadlookedatitandhatedit,beautiful,
sombong
smug,self-satisfiedQueenLouise.Butsheneverdareddestroyitorremoveit.
MotherandCousinStickleswouldhavebeenaghast,or,asValancyirreverentlyexpresseditinherthoughts,wouldhavehadafit.
Everyroominthehousewasugly,ofcourse.
Butdownstairsappearanceswerekeptupsomewhat.
Therewasnomoneyforroomsnobodyeversaw.
Valancysometimesfeltthatshecouldhavedonesomethingforherroomherself,evenwithoutmoney,ifshewerepermitted.
Buthermotherhadnegativedevery
pemalu
timidsuggestionandValancydidnotpersist.Valancyneverpersisted.
Shewasafraidto.
Hermothercouldnotbrookopposition.
Mrs.Stirlingwouldsulkfordaysifoffended,withtheairsofaninsultedduchess.
TheonlythingValancylikedaboutherroomwasthatshecouldbealonethereatnighttocryifshewantedto.
But,afterall,whatdiditmatterifaroom,whichyouusedfornothingexceptsleepinganddressingin,wereugly?
Valancywasneverpermittedtostayaloneinherroomforanyotherpurpose.
Peoplewhowantedtobealone,soMrs.FrederickStirlingandCousinSticklesbelieved,couldonlywanttobealoneforsome
jahat
sinisterpurpose.ButherroomintheBlueCastlewaseverythingaroomshouldbe.
Valancy,socowedandsubduedandoverriddenandsnubbedinreallife,waswonttoletherselfgorathersplendidlyinherday-dreams.
NobodyintheStirling
klan
clan,oritsramifications,suspectedthis,leastofallhermotherandCousinStickles.TheyneverknewthatValancyhadtwohomes—theuglyred
bata
brickboxofahome,onElmStreet,andtheBlueCastleinSpain.ValancyhadlivedspirituallyintheBlueCastleeversinceshecouldremember.
Shehadbeenaverytinychildwhenshefoundherselfpossessedofit.
Always,whensheshuthereyes,shecouldseeit
jelas
plainly,withitsturretsandbannersonthepine-cladmountainketinggian
height,wrappedinitsfaint,blueloveliness,againstthematahari terbenam
sunsetskiesofafairandunknownland.Everythingwonderfulandbeautifulwasinthatcastle.
Jewelsthatqueensmighthaveworn;
robesofmoonlightandfire;
couchesofrosesandgold;
longflightsof
dangkal
shallowmarblesteps,withgreat,whiteurns,andwithramping
slender,mist-cladmaidensgoingupanddownthem;courts,marble-pillared,whereshimmeringfountainsfellandnightingalessangamongthemyrtles;
hallsofmirrorsthat
mencerminkan
reflectedonlyhandsomeknightsandlovelywomen—herselftheloveliestofall,forwhoseglancemendied.Allthatsupportedherthroughthe
kebosanan
boredomofherdayswasthehopeofgoingonadreamspreeatnight.Most,ifnotall,oftheStirlingswouldhavediedofhorroriftheyhadknownhalfthethingsValancydidinherBlueCastle.
Foronethingshehadquiteafewloversinit.
Oh,onlyoneatatime.
Onewhowooedherwithalltheromanticardouroftheageofchivalryandwonherafterlong
pengabdian
devotionandmanydeedsofderring-do,andwasweddedtoherwithpompandkeadaan
circumstanceinthegreat,banner-hungkapel
chapeloftheBlueCastle.Attwelve,thisloverwasafairladwithgoldencurlsand
surgawi
heavenlyblueeyes.Atfifteen,hewastallanddarkand
pucat
pale,butstillnecessarilyhandsome.Attwenty,hewasascetic,dreamy,spiritual.
Attwenty-five,hehadaclean-cut
rahang
jaw,slightlygrim,andafacestrongandkasar
ruggedratherthanhandsome.Valancynevergrewolderthantwenty-fiveinherBlueCastle,butrecently—veryrecently—herherohadhadreddish,tawnyhair,atwistedsmileanda
misterius
mysteriouspast.Idon’tsayValancy
sengaja
deliberatelymurderedtheseloversassheoutgrewthem.Onesimplyfadedawayasanothercame.
Thingsarevery
nyaman
convenientinthisrespectinBlueCastles.But,onthismorningofherdayoffate,ValancycouldnotfindthekeyofherBlueCastle.
Realitypressedonhertoohardly,barkingatherheelslikeamaddeninglittledog.
Shewastwenty-nine,lonely,undesired,ill-favoured—theonlyhomelygirlinahandsome
klan
clan,withnopastandnofuture.Asfarasshecouldlookback,lifewasdrabandcolourless,withnotonesinglecrimsonor
ungu
purplespotanywhere.Asfarasshecouldlookforwarditseemedcertaintobejustthesameuntilshewasnothingbutasolitary,littlewithered
daun
leafclingingtoawintrybough.Themomentwhenawoman
menyadari
realisesthatshehasnothingtolivefor—neitherlove,duty,purposenorhope—holdsforherthekepahitan
bitternessofdeath.“AndIjusthavetogoonlivingbecauseIcan’tstop.
Imayhavetoliveeightyyears,”thoughtValancy,inakindofpanic.
“We’reallhorriblylong-lived.
Itsickensmetothinkofit.”
Shewasgladitwasraining—orrather,shewasdrearilysatisfiedthatitwasraining.
Therewouldbeno
piknik
picnicthatday.Thisannual
piknik
picnic,wherebyAuntandUncleWellington—onealwaysthoughtoftheminthatsuccession—inevitablycelebratedtheirpertunangan
engagementatapicnicthirtyyearsbefore,hadbeen,oflateyears,averitablenightmaretoValancy.Byanimpishcoincidenceitwasthesamedayasherbirthdayand,aftershehadpassedtwenty-five,nobodyletherforgetit.
Muchasshehatedgoingtothe
piknik
picnic,itwouldneverhaveterjadi
occurredtohertorebelagainstit.Thereseemedtobenothingofthe
revolusioner
revolutionaryinhernature.Andsheknewexactlywhateveryonewouldsaytoheratthe
piknik
picnic.UncleWellington,whomshedislikedand
membenci
despisedeventhoughhehadmemenuhi
fulfilledthehighestStirlingaspiration,“marryingmoney,”wouldsaytoherinapig’sbisikan
whisper,“Notthinkingofgettingmarriedyet,mydear?”andthengooffintothebellowoflaughterwithwhichheinvariably
menyimpulkan
concludedhisdullremarks.AuntWellington,ofwhomValancystoodinabjectawe,wouldtellheraboutOlive’snewchiffondressandCecil’slastdevotedletter.
ValancywouldhavetolookaspleasedandinterestedasifthedressandletterhadbeenhersorelseAuntWellingtonwouldbeoffended.
AndValancyhadlongagodecidedthatshewouldrather
menyinggung
offendGodthanAuntWellington,becauseGodmightforgiveherbutAuntWellingtonneverwould.AuntAlberta,enormouslyfat,withanamiable
kebiasaan
habitofalwaysreferringtoherhusbandas“he,”asifheweretheonlymalecreatureintheworld,whocouldneverforgetthatshehadbeenagreatbeautyinheryouth,wouldcondolewithValancyonhersallowskin—.“Idon’tknowwhyallthegirlsoftodayaresosunburned.
WhenIwasagirlmyskinwasrosesandcream.
IwascountedtheprettiestgirlinCanada,mydear.”
PerhapsUncleHerbertwouldn’tsayanything—orperhapshewouldremarkjocularly,“Howfatyou’regetting,Doss!”
Andtheneverybodywouldlaughovertheexcessively
lucu
humorousideaofpoor,scrawnylittleDossgettingfat.Handsome,solemnUncleJames,whomValancydislikedbutrespectedbecausehewasreputedtobeverycleverandwasthereforethe
klan
clanoracle—brainsbeingnonetooberlimpah
plentifulintheStirlingconnection—wouldprobablyremarkwiththeowl-likesarkasme
sarcasmthathadwonhimhisreputation,“Isupposeyou’rebusywithyourhope-chestthesedays?”AndUncleBenjaminwouldasksomeofhisabominableconundrums,betweenwheezychuckles,andanswerthemhimself.
“WhatisthedifferencebetweenDossandamouse?
“ThemousewishestoharmthecheeseandDosswishestocharmthehe’s.”
Valancyhadheardhimaskthatriddlefiftytimesandeverytimeshewantedtothrowsomethingathim.
Butsheneverdid.
Inthefirstplace,theStirlingssimplydidnotthrowthings;
inthesecondplace,UncleBenjaminwasa
kaya
wealthyandchildlessoldwidowerandValancyhadbeenbroughtupinthefearandadmonitionofhismoney.Ifsheoffendedhimhewouldcutheroutofhiswill—supposingshewereinit.
ValancydidnotwanttobecutoutofUncleBenjamin’swill.
Shehadbeenpoorallherlifeandknewthegalling
kepahitan
bitternessofit.Soshe
menanggung
enduredhisriddlesandevensmiledtorturedlittlesmilesoverthem.AuntIsabel,downrightanddisagreeableasaneastwind,wouldcriticiseherinsomeway—Valancycouldnot
memprediksi
predictjusthow,forAuntIsabelneverrepeatedacriticism—shefoundsomethingnewwithwhichtojabyoueverytime.AuntIsabelpridedherselfonsayingwhatshethought,butdidn’tlikeitsowellwhenotherpeoplesaidwhattheythoughttoher.
Valancyneversaidwhatshethought.
CousinGeorgiana—namedafterhergreat-great-grand-mother,whohadbeennamedafterGeorgetheFourth—wouldrecountdolorouslythenamesofallrelativesandfriendswhohaddiedsincethelast
piknik
picnicandwonder“whichofuswillbethefirsttogonext.”Oppressively
kompeten
competent,AuntMildredwouldtalkendlesslyofherhusbandandherodiousprodigiesofbabiestoValancy,becauseValancywouldbetheonlyoneshecouldfindtoputupwithit.Forthesamereason,CousinGladys—reallyFirstCousinGladysonceremoved,accordingtothe
ketat
strictwayinwhichtheStirlingstabulatedrelationship—atall,thinladywhoadmittedshehadasensitivedisposisi
disposition,woulddescribeminutelythetorturesofherneuritis.AndOlive,thewondergirlofthewholeStirling
klan
clan,whohadeverythingValancyhadnot—beauty,popularitas
popularity,love,—wouldshowoffherbeautyandmenganggap
presumeonherpopularityandflauntherdiamondinsigniaofloveinValancy’sdazzled,iri
enviouseyes.Therewouldbenoneofallthistoday.
Andtherewouldbenopackingupofteaspoons.
ThepackingupwasalwaysleftforValancyandCousinStickles.
Andonce,sixyearsago,asilverteaspoonfromAuntWellington’sweddingsethadbeenlost.
Valancyneverheardthelastofthatsilverteaspoon.
ItsghostappearedBanquo-likeatevery
berikutnya
subsequentfamilyfeast.Oh,yes,Valancyknewexactlywhatthe
piknik
picnicwouldbelikeandsheblessedtherainthathadsavedherfromit.Therewouldbeno
piknik
picnicthisyear.IfAuntWellingtoncouldnotcelebrateonthe
suci
sacreddayitselfshewouldhavenoperayaan
celebrationatall.Thankwhatevergodstherewereforthat.
Sincetherewouldbeno
piknik
picnic,Valancymadeuphermindthat,iftherainheldupintheafternoon,shewouldgouptothelibraryandgetanotherofJohnFoster’sbooks.Valancywasneverallowedtoreadnovels,butJohnFoster’sbookswerenotnovels.
Theywere“naturebooks”—sothe
pustakawan
librariantoldMrs.FrederickStirling—“allaboutthewoodsandbirdsandbugsandthingslikethat,youknow.”SoValancywasallowedtoreadthem—under
protes
protest,foritwasonlytoojelas
evidentthatsheenjoyedthemtoomuch.Itwaspermissible,evenlaudable,toreadto
meningkatkan
improveyourmindandyourreligion,butabookthatwasmenyenangkan
enjoyablewasdangerous.Valancydidnotknowwhetherhermindwasbeingimprovedornot;
butshefelt
samar
vaguelythatifshehadcomeacrossJohnFoster’sbooksyearsagolifemighthavebeenadifferentthingforher.Theyseemedtoherto
menghasilkan
yieldglimpsesofaworldintowhichshemightoncehaveentered,thoughthedoorwasforeverbarredtohernow.ItwasonlywithinthelastyearthatJohnFoster’sbookshadbeenintheDeerwoodlibrary,thoughthe
pustakawan
librariantoldValancythathehadbeenawell-knownwriterforseveralyears.“Wheredoeshelive?”
Valancyhadasked.
“Nobodyknows.
FromhisbookshemustbeaCanadian,butnomoreinformationcanbehad.
Hispublisherswon’tsayaword.
QuitelikelyJohn
Foster
Fosterisanomdeplume.Hisbooksaresopopularwecan’tkeeptheminatall,thoughIreallycan’tseewhatpeoplefindinthemtoraveover.”
“Ithinkthey’rewonderful,”saidValancy,timidly.
“Oh—well—”
MissClarksonsmiledinapatronisingfashionthatrelegatedValancy’sopinionsto
limbo
limbo,“Ican’tsayIcaremuchforbugsmyself.Butcertainly
Foster
Fosterseemstoknowallthereistoknowaboutthem.”Valancydidn’tknowwhethershecaredmuchforbugseither.
ItwasnotJohnFoster’s
luar biasa
uncannyknowledgeofwildcreaturesandserangga
insectlifethatenthralledher.Shecouldhardlysaywhatitwas—sometantalisinglureofamysteryneverrevealed—some
petunjuk
hintofagreatsecretjustalittlefurtheron—somesamar
faint,elusiveechooflovely,forgottenthings—JohnFoster’smagicwasindefinable.Yes,shewouldgetanew
Foster
Fosterbook.ItwasamonthsinceshehadThistleHarvest,sosurelyMothercouldnotobject.
Valancyhadreaditfourtimes—sheknewwholepassagesoffbyheart.
And—shealmostthoughtshewouldgoandseeDr.Trentaboutthatqueerpainaroundtheheart.
Ithadcomeratheroftenlately,andthepalpitationswerebecoming
menjengkelkan
annoying,nottospeakofansesekali
occasionaldizzymomentandaqueershortnessofbreath.Butcouldshegotoseehimwithouttellinganyone?
Itwasamostdaringthought.
NoneoftheStirlingseverconsultedadoctorwithoutholdingafamilycouncilandgettingUncleJames’
persetujuan
approval.Then,theywenttoDr.Ambrose
Marsh
MarshofPortLawrence,whohadmarriedSecondCousinAdelaideStirling.ButValancy
menyukai
dislikedDr.AmbroseMarsh.And,besides,shecouldnotgetto
Port
PortLawrence,fifteenmilesaway,withoutbeingtakenthere.Shedidnotwantanyonetoknowaboutherheart.
Therewouldbesuchafussmadeandeverymemberofthefamilywouldcomedownandtalkitoverandadviseherandcautionherandwarnherandtellherhorribletalesofgreat-auntsandcousinsfortytimesremovedwhohadbeen“justlikethat”and“droppeddeadwithoutamoment’swarning,mydear.”
AuntIsabelwouldrememberthatshehadalwayssaidDosslookedlikeagirlwhowouldhavehearttrouble—“sopinchedandpeakedalways”;
andUncleWellingtonwouldtakeitasapersonal
penghinaan
insult,when“noStirlingeverhadheartdiseasebefore”;andGeorgianawouldforebodeinperfectly
terdengar
audibleasidesthat“poor,dearlittleDossisn’tlongforthisworld,I’mafraid”;andCousinGladyswouldsay,“Why,myhearthasbeenlikethatforyears,”inatonethat
menyiratkan
impliednooneelsehadanybusinesseventohaveaheart;andOlive—Olivewould
hanya
merelylookbeautifulandsuperioranddisgustinglyhealthy,asiftosay,“WhyallthisfussoverafadedsuperfluitylikeDosswhenyouhaveme?”Valancyfeltthatshecouldn’ttellanybodyunlessshehadto.
Shefeltquitesuretherewasnothingatallseriouslywrongwithherheartandnoneedofallthepotherthatwouldensueifshementionedit.
ShewouldjustslipupquietlyandseeDr.Trentthatveryday.
Asforhisbill,shehadthetwohundreddollarsthatherfatherhadputinthebankforherthedayshewasborn.
Shewasneverallowedtouseeventheinterestofthis,butshewouldsecretlytakeoutenoughtopayDr.Trent.
Dr.
Trentwasagruff,outspoken,absent-mindedoldfellow,buthewasarecognisedauthorityonheartdisease,evenifhewereonlyageneralpractitionerinout-of-the-worldDeerwood.
Dr.Trentwasoverseventyandtherehadbeenrumoursthathemeantto
pensiun
retiresoon.NoneoftheStirling
klan
clanhadevergonetohimsincehehadtoldCousinGladys,tenyearsbefore,thatherneuritiswasallimajiner
imaginaryandthatsheenjoyedit.Youcouldn’tpatroniseadoctorwhoinsultedyourfirst-cousin-once-removedlikethat—nottomentionthathewasaPresbyterianwhenalltheStirlingswenttotheAnglicanchurch.
Bab
CHAPTERIIWhenCousinSticklesknockedatherdoor,Valancyknewitwashalf-pastsevenandshemustgetup.
Aslongasshecouldremember,CousinStickleshadknockedatherdoorathalf-pastseven.
CousinSticklesandMrs.FrederickStirlinghadbeenupsinceseven,butValancywasallowedtolieabedhalfanhourlongerbecauseofafamily
tradisi
traditionthatshewasdelicate.Valancygotup,thoughshehatedgettingupmorethismorningthanevershehadbefore.