CHAPTERI
Ifithadnotrainedon
egy
acertainMaymorningValancyStirling’segész
wholelifewouldhavebeenteljesen
entirelydifferent.Shewouldhavegone,withthe
többi
restofherclan,toNéni
AuntWellington’sengagementpicnicandDr.Trentwouldvolna
havegonetoMontreal.Butitdidrain
és
andyoushallhearwhattörtént
happenedtoherbecauseofit.Valancywakened
korán
early,inthelifeless,hopelesshourjustprecedinghajnal
dawn.Shehadnotsleptvery
jól
well.Onedoesnotsleep
jól
well,sometimes,whenoneistwenty-nineonthemorrow,és
andunmarried,inacommunityés
andconnectionwheretheunmarriedareegyszerűen
simplythosewhohavefailedtogetaember
man.DeerwoodandtheStirlings
már
hadlongsincerelegatedValancytoreménytelen
hopelessoldmaidenhood.ButValancyherselfhadneverquiterelinquishedacertain
szánalmas
pitiful,shamed,littlehopethatRomancewouldcomeherwayyet—never,amíg
untilthiswet,horriblemorning,amikor
whenshewakenedtothefactthatshewastwenty-nineés
andunsoughtbyanyman.Ay,
ott
therelaythesting.Valancydidnotmindsomuchbeingan
öreg
oldmaid.Afterall,she
gondolta
thought,beinganoldmaidcouldn’tpossiblybeasszörnyű
dreadfulasbeingmarriedtoegy
anUncleWellingtonoranUncleBenjamin,vagy
orevenanUncleHerbert.Whathurtherwas
amit
thatshehadneverhadachancetobeanythingbutanöreg
oldmaid.Nomanhadeverdesiredher.
Thetearscameintohereyesasshelay
ott
therealoneinthefaintlygreyingdarkness.She
merte
darednotletherselfcryashardassheakarta
wantedto,fortworeasons.Shewas
félt
afraidthatcryingmightbringonanotherattackofthatpainaroundtheszív
heart.Shehadhada
varázslat
spellofitaftershevolt
hadgotintobed—ratherworsemint
thananyshehadhadmég
yet.Andshewasafraidher
anyja
motherwouldnoticeherredeyesatreggeli
breakfastandkeepatherwithperc
minute,persistent,mosquito-likequestionsregardingtheoka
causethereof.“Suppose,”thoughtValancywith
egy
aghastlygrin,“Iansweredwiththeegyszerű
plaintruth,‘Iamcryingmert
becauseIcannotgetmarried.’Milyen
HowhorrifiedMotherwouldbe—thoughsheisashamedminden
everydayofherlifeofheröreg
oldmaiddaughter.”Butof
természetesen
courseappearancesshouldbekeptup.“Itisnot,”Valancycouldhearhermother’sprim,dictatorialvoiceasserting,“itisnotmaidenlytothinkaboutmen.”
Thethoughtofhermother’sexpressionmadeValancylaugh—forshe
volt
hadasenseofhumoursenki sem
nobodyinherclansuspected.For
amit
thatmatter,therewereagoodsok
manythingsaboutValancythatsenki sem
nobodysuspected.Butherlaughterwas
nagyon
verysuperficialandpresentlyshelayott
there,ahuddled,futilelittlealak
figure,listeningtotherainpouringdownoutsideés
andwatching,withasickdistaste,thehideg
chill,mercilesslightcreepingintohercsúnya
ugly,sordidroom.Sheknewtheuglinessofthatroombyheart—knewit
és
andhatedit.Theyellow-painted
padló
floor,withonehideous,“hooked”szőnyeg
rugbythebed,withagroteszk
grotesque,“hooked”dogonit,mindig
alwaysgrinningatherwhensheawoke;a
thefaded,dark-redpaper;the
mennyezet
ceilingdiscolouredbyoldleaksés
andcrossedbycracks;thenarrow,pinched
kis
littlewashstand;thebrown-paperlambrequinwith
lila
purplerosesonit;thespotted
régi
oldlooking-glasswiththecrackacrossit,proppedupontheinadequatedressing-table;thejarof
ősi
ancientpotpourrimadebyheranyja
motherinhermythicalhoneymoon;theshell-covered
doboz
box,withoneburstcorner,whichCousinStickleshadmadeinherugyanolyan
equallymythicalgirlhood;thebeadedpincushionwithhalfitsbeadfringegone;
az
theonestiff,yellowchair;the
elhalványult
fadedoldmotto,“Gonebutnotforgotten,”dolgozott
workedincolouredyarnsaboutGreat-grand-motherStirling’sgrimoldface;az
theoldphotographsofancientrelativeslongbanishedfromaz
theroomsbelow.Therewere
csak
onlytwopicturesthatwerenotofrelatives.One,an
öreg
oldchromoofapuppyül
sittingonarainydoorstep.That
kép
picturealwaysmadeValancyunhappy.Thatforlorn
kis
littledogcrouchedontheküszöbön
doorstepinthedrivingrain!Miért
Whydidn’tsomeoneopenaz
thedoorandlethimin?The
másik
otherpicturewasafaded,passe-partoutedengravingofQueenLouisecomingdownegy
astairway,whichAuntWellingtonhadlavishlyadott
givenheronhertenthbirthday.Fornineteenyearsshehadlookedatit
és
andhatedit,beautiful,smug,self-satisfiedQueenLouise.De
Butsheneverdareddestroyitvagy
orremoveit.Motherand
Unokatestvére
CousinStickleswouldhavebeenaghast,vagy
or,asValancyirreverentlyexpresseditinherthoughts,wouldvolna
havehadafit.Everyroominthe
ház
housewasugly,ofcourse.De
Butdownstairsappearanceswerekeptupsomewhat.Therewasno
pénz
moneyforroomsnobodyeverlátott
saw.Valancysometimesfeltthatshecould
volna
havedonesomethingforherroomherself,evennélkül
withoutmoney,ifsheweremegengedték volna
permitted.Buthermotherhadnegatived
minden
everytimidsuggestionandValancydidnotpersist.Valancyneverpersisted.
Shewas
félt
afraidto.Hermothercouldnotbrookopposition.
Mrs.Stirlingwouldsulkfordays
ha
ifoffended,withtheairsofegy
aninsultedduchess.Theonly
dolog
thingValancylikedaboutherroomwasamit
thatshecouldbealoneott
thereatnighttocryha
ifshewantedto.But,afterall,whatdidit
számít
matterifaroom,whichyouusedfornothingexceptaludni
sleepinganddressingin,werecsúnya
ugly?Valancywasneverpermittedto
maradjon
stayaloneinherroomforanymás
otherpurpose.Peoplewhowantedtobe
egyedül
alone,soMrs.FrederickStirlingés
andCousinSticklesbelieved,couldcsak
onlywanttobealoneforvalamilyen
somesinisterpurpose.Butherroominthe
Kék
BlueCastlewaseverythingaroomkell
shouldbe.Valancy,socowed
és
andsubduedandoverriddenandsnubbedinreallife,waswonttoletherselfmenni
gorathersplendidlyinherday-dreams.NobodyintheStirlingclan,
vagy
oritsramifications,suspectedthis,legkevésbé
leastofallhermotherés
andCousinStickles.Theynever
tudták
knewthatValancyhadtwohomes—thecsúnya
uglyredbrickboxofegy
ahome,onElmStreet,és
andtheBlueCastleinSpain.Valancyhad
élt
livedspirituallyintheBlueCastleeversinceshecouldemlékszik
remember.Shehadbeena
nagyon
verytinychildwhenshefoundherselfpossessedofit.Mindig
Always,whensheshuthereyes,shecouldseeitplainly,withitsturretsés
andbannersonthepine-cladhegy
mountainheight,wrappedinitshalvány
faint,blueloveliness,againstthenaplemente
sunsetskiesofafairés
andunknownland.Everythingwonderful
és
andbeautifulwasinthatcastle.Jewelsthatqueensmight
volna
haveworn;robesofmoonlight
és
andfire;couchesofroses
és
andgold;longflightsof
sekély
shallowmarblesteps,withgreat,fehér
whiteurns,andwithslender,mist-cladmaidensmentek
goingupanddownthem;courts,marble-pillared,
ahol
whereshimmeringfountainsfellandnightingalessangközött
amongthemyrtles;hallsofmirrorsthat
tükröztek
reflectedonlyhandsomeknightsandlovelywomen—herselftheloveliestofall,forakinek
whoseglancemendied.All
hogy
thatsupportedherthroughtheboredomofherdayswastheremény
hopeofgoingonadreamspreeatéjszaka
night.Most,ifnotall,oftheStirlingswould
volna
havediedofhorroriftheyvolna
hadknownhalfthethingsValancycsinált
didinherBlueCastle.Foronethingshe
volt
hadquiteafewloversinit.Oh,
csak
onlyoneatatime.One
aki
whowooedherwithalltheromantikus
romanticardouroftheageofchivalryés
andwonherafterlongodaadás
devotionandmanydeedsofderring-do,és
andwasweddedtoherwithpompés
andcircumstanceinthegreat,banner-hungchapeloftheKék
BlueCastle.Attwelve,this
szerető
loverwasafairladwitharany
goldencurlsandheavenlyblueeyes.Atfifteen,hewas
magas
tallanddarkandpale,de
butstillnecessarilyhandsome.Attwenty,hewasascetic,
álmodozó
dreamy,spiritual.Attwenty-five,he
volt
hadaclean-cutjaw,slightlygrim,és
andafacestrongandruggedratherthanjóképű
handsome.Valancynevergrewolder
mint
thantwenty-fiveinherBlueCastle,de
butrecently—veryrecently—herherohadvolt
hadreddish,tawnyhair,atwistedsmileés
andamysteriouspast.Idon’t
mondom
sayValancydeliberatelymurderedtheseloversassheoutgrewthem.Egyik
Onesimplyfadedawayasmásik
anothercame.Thingsareveryconvenientinthis
tekintetben
respectinBlueCastles.But,on
ezen
thismorningofherdayoffate,Valancycouldnottalálta
findthekeyofherKék
BlueCastle.Realitypressedonher
túl
toohardly,barkingatherheelsmint
likeamaddeninglittledog.Shewastwenty-nine,
magányos
lonely,undesired,ill-favoured—theonlyhomelylány
girlinahandsomeclan,withnomúlt
pastandnofuture.Asfarasshe
tudott
couldlookback,lifewasdrabés
andcolourless,withnotonesinglecrimsonvagy
orpurplespotanywhere.Asfarasshe
tudott
couldlookforwarditseemedcertaintobecsak
justthesameuntilshewassemmi
nothingbutasolitary,littlewitheredlevél
leafclingingtoawintrybough.Themoment
amikor
whenawomanrealisesthatshehasnothingtoélnie
livefor—neitherlove,duty,purposesem
norhope—holdsforherthebitternessofhalál
death.“AndIjusthavetogoon
élnem
livingbecauseIcan’tstop.Imay
kell
havetoliveeightyyears,”gondolta
thoughtValancy,inakindofpanic.“We’reallhorriblylong-lived.
Itsickensmeto
gondolok
thinkofit.”Shewasgladitwasraining—or
inkább
rather,shewasdrearilysatisfiedhogy
thatitwasraining.There
lesz
wouldbenopicnicthatnapon
day.Thisannualpicnic,whereby
Néni
AuntandUncleWellington—onealwaysgondoltunk
thoughtoftheminthatsuccession—inevitablycelebratedtheirengagementategy
apicnicthirtyyearsbefore,volt
hadbeen,oflateyears,egy
averitablenightmaretoValancy.By
egy
animpishcoincidenceitwasa
thesamedayasherbirthdayés
and,aftershehadpassedtwenty-five,senki sem
nobodyletherforgetit.Muchasshehatedgoingto
a
thepicnic,itwouldnevervolna
haveoccurredtohertorebelagainstit.Thereseemedtobe
semmi
nothingoftherevolutionaryinhernature.És
Andsheknewexactlywhateveryonewouldsaytoheratthepicnic.Bácsi
UncleWellington,whomshedislikedés
anddespisedeventhoughhehadfulfilledthehighestStirlingaspiration,“marryingmoney,”wouldmondta
saytoherinapig’swhisper,“Notgondolsz
thinkingofgettingmarriedyet,mydear?ӎs
andthengooffintothebellowofnevetés
laughterwithwhichheinvariablyconcludedhisunalmas
dullremarks.AuntWellington,ofwhomValancystoodinabjectawe,wouldtellheraboutOlive’s
új
newchiffondressandCecil’sutolsó
lastdevotedletter.Valancywould
volna
havetolookaspleasedés
andinterestedasiftheruha
dressandletterhadbeenhersorelseNéni
AuntWellingtonwouldbeoffended.És
AndValancyhadlongagodöntött
decidedthatshewouldratheroffendIsten
GodthanAuntWellington,becauseIsten
GodmightforgiveherbutAuntWellingtonneverwould.Néni
AuntAlberta,enormouslyfat,withanamiableszokás
habitofalwaysreferringtoherhusbandas“he,”asifheweretheegyetlen
onlymalecreatureintheworld,aki
whocouldneverforgetthatshevolt
hadbeenagreatbeautyinheryouth,wouldcondolewithValancyonhersallowskin—.“Idon’t
tudom
knowwhyallthegirlsoftodayaresosunburned.WhenIwasagirlmyskinwasroses
és
andcream.IwascountedtheprettiestgirlinCanada,mydear.”
Talán
PerhapsUncleHerbertwouldn’tsayanything—ortalán
perhapshewouldremarkjocularly,“Howkövér
fatyou’regetting,Doss!”Andthen
mindenki
everybodywouldlaughovertheexcessivelyhumorousideaofszegény
poor,scrawnylittleDossgettingkövér
fat.Handsome,solemnUncleJames,whomValancydisliked
de
butrespectedbecausehewasreputedtobenagyon
verycleverandwasthereforetheklán
clanoracle—brainsbeingnonetooplentifulintheStirlingconnection—wouldvalószínűleg
probablyremarkwiththeowl-likesarcasmthatvolt
hadwonhimhisreputation,“Isupposeyou’reelfoglalt
busywithyourhope-chestthesedays?Ӄs
AndUncleBenjaminwouldasknéhány
someofhisabominableconundrums,között
betweenwheezychuckles,andanswerthemhimself.“Whatisthe
különbség
differencebetweenDossandaegér
mouse?“Themousewishestoharmthe
sajtot
cheeseandDosswishestocharmthehe’s.”Valancy
már
hadheardhimaskthatrejtvényt
riddlefiftytimesandeveryalkalommal
timeshewantedtothrowsomethingatneki
him.Butsheneverdid.
Inthe
először
firstplace,theStirlingssimplydidnotthrowthings;inthesecondplace,
Nagybátyja
UncleBenjaminwasawealthyés
andchildlessoldwidowerandValancyvolt
hadbeenbroughtupinthefearés
andadmonitionofhismoney.Ha
Ifsheoffendedhimhewouldcutheroutofhiswill—supposingshewereinit.Valancydidnot
akarta
wanttobecutoutofBácsi
UncleBenjamin’swill.Shehadbeen
szegény
poorallherlifeandknewthegallingbitternessofit.Sosheenduredhisriddles
és
andevensmiledtorturedlittlemosolygott
smilesoverthem.AuntIsabel,downright
és
anddisagreeableasaneastszél
wind,wouldcriticiseherinvalamilyen
someway—Valancycouldnotpredictjusthogyan
how,forAuntIsabelneverrepeatedacriticism—shetalált
foundsomethingnewwithwhichtojabyouminden
everytime.AuntIsabelpridedherselfonsayingwhatshethought,
de
butdidn’tlikeitsowellha
whenotherpeoplesaidwhattheythoughttoneki
her.Valancyneversaidwhatshe
gondol
thought.CousinGeorgiana—namedafterhergreat-great-grand-mother,who
lesz
hadbeennamedafterGeorgetheFourth—wouldrecountdolorouslythenamesofösszes
allrelativesandfriendswholesz
haddiedsincethelastpiknik
picnicandwonder“whichofuslesz
willbethefirsttomegy
gonext.”Oppressivelycompetent,AuntMildredwouldtalkendlesslyofherhusband
és
andherodiousprodigiesofbabiestoValancy,mert
becauseValancywouldbetheonlyoneshecouldtalált
findtoputupwithit.Forthesame
okból
reason,CousinGladys—reallyFirstCousinGladysegyszer
onceremoved,accordingtotheszigorú
strictwayinwhichtheStirlingstabulatedrelationship—amagas
tall,thinladywhoadmittedshehadegy
asensitivedisposition,woulddescribeminutelythetorturesofherneuritis.És
AndOlive,thewondergirloftheegész
wholeStirlingclan,whohadeverythingValancyvolt
hadnot—beauty,popularity,love,—wouldshowoffherszépség
beautyandpresumeonherpopularityés
andflauntherdiamondinsigniaofszerelem
loveinValancy’sdazzled,enviouseyes.Nem
Therewouldbenoneofallthisma
today.Andtherewouldbenopackingupofteaspoons.
Thepackingupwas
mindig
alwaysleftforValancyandCousinStickles.És
Andonce,sixyearsago,egy
asilverteaspoonfromAuntWellington’sesküvői
weddingsethadbeenlost.Valancyneverheard
az
thelastofthatsilverteaspoon.Its
szellem
ghostappearedBanquo-likeateverysubsequentfamilyfeast.Oh,
igen
yes,Valancyknewexactlywhatthepiknik
picnicwouldbelikeandsheblessedtheesőt
rainthathadsavedherfromit.There
lesz
wouldbenopicnicthisévben
year.IfAuntWellingtoncouldnotcelebrateonthe
szent
sacreddayitselfshewouldhavenem
nocelebrationatall.Thankwhatevergodstherewerefor
hogy
that.Sincetherewouldbeno
piknik
picnic,Valancymadeuphermindthat,ha
iftherainheldupinthedélután
afternoon,shewouldgouptothelibraryés
andgetanotherofJohnFoster’sbooks.Valancywasnever
engedték
allowedtoreadnovels,butJohnFoster’sbookswerenotnovels.Theywere“naturebooks”—sothe
könyvtáros
librariantoldMrs.FrederickStirling—“allaboutthewoodsés
andbirdsandbugsandthingslikethat,youknow.”SoValancywasallowedtoreadthem—under
tiltakozás
protest,foritwasonlytoonyilvánvaló
evidentthatsheenjoyedthemtoomuch.Itwaspermissible,
sőt
evenlaudable,toreadtoimproveyourmindés
andyourreligion,butakönyv
bookthatwasenjoyablewasveszélyes
dangerous.Valancydidnotknow
hogy
whetherhermindwasbeingimprovedvagy
ornot;butshefelt
bizonytalanul
vaguelythatifshehadcomeacrossJohnFoster’sbooksyearsezelőtt
agolifemighthavebeenamás
differentthingforher.Theyseemedtohertoyieldglimpsesof
egy
aworldintowhichshemightegyszer
oncehaveentered,thoughtheajtó
doorwasforeverbarredtohermost
now.Itwasonlywithinthe
elmúlt
lastyearthatJohnFoster’sbooksvoltak
hadbeenintheDeerwoodlibrary,bár
thoughthelibrariantoldValancyhogy
thathehadbeenawell-knowníró
writerforseveralyears.“Wheredoeshelive?”
Valancyhadasked.
“Nobody
tudja
knows.FromhisbookshemustbeaCanadian,
de
butnomoreinformationcanbehad.Hispublisherswon’tsay
egy
aword.QuitelikelyJohnFosteris
egy
anomdeplume.Hisbooksaresopopularwecan’tkeeptheminatall,
bár
thoughIreallycan’tseewhatemberek
peoplefindinthemtoraveover.”“I
hiszem
thinkthey’rewonderful,”saidValancy,timidly.“Oh—well—”
Miss
MissClarksonsmiledinapatronisingfashionthatrelegatedValancy’sopinionstolimbo,“Ican’tsayIcaresokat
muchforbugsmyself.ButcertainlyFosterseemstoknowallthereistoknowaboutthem.”
Valancydidn’t
tudta
knowwhethershecaredmuchforbugseither.ItwasnotJohnFoster’suncannyknowledgeof
vadon élő
wildcreaturesandinsectlifethatenthralledőt
her.Shecouldhardlysaywhatitwas—sometantalisinglureof
egy
amysteryneverrevealed—somehintofegy
agreatsecretjustakicsit
littlefurtheron—somefaint,elusivevisszhang
echooflovely,forgottenthings—JohnFoster’smagicwasindefinable.Igen
Yes,shewouldgetaúj
newFosterbook.Itwas
egy
amonthsinceshehadThistleHarvest,sobiztosan
surelyMothercouldnotobject.Valancyhadreaditfourtimes—she
tudott
knewwholepassagesoffbyheart.And—she
majdnem
almostthoughtshewouldgoés
andseeDr.Trentabouthogy
thatqueerpainaroundtheszív
heart.Ithadcomerather
gyakran
oftenlately,andthepalpitationswerebecomingbosszantó
annoying,nottospeakofanalkalmi
occasionaldizzymomentandaqueershortnessofbreath.De
Butcouldshegotoseehimwithouttellinganyone?Itwas
egy
amostdaringthought.NoneoftheStirlingseverconsultedadoctorwithoutholdingafamilycouncil
és
andgettingUncleJames’approval.Then,theywenttoDr.AmbroseMarshof
Port
PortLawrence,whohadmarriedMásodik
SecondCousinAdelaideStirling.ButValancydislikedDr.Ambrose
Marsh
Marsh.And,besides,shecouldnotgetto
Port
PortLawrence,fifteenmilesaway,withoutbeingtakenthere.Shedidnot
akarta
wantanyonetoknowaboutherheart.Therewouldbe
olyan
suchafussmadeandminden
everymemberofthefamilywouldcomedownés
andtalkitoverandtanácsot
adviseherandcautionherés
andwarnherandtellherszörnyű
horribletalesofgreat-auntsandcousinsfortytimeseltávolítottak
removedwhohadbeen“justlikethat”és
and“droppeddeadwithoutamoment’sfigyelmeztetés
warning,mydear.”AuntIsabelwould
emlékszik
rememberthatshehadalwaysmondta
saidDosslookedlikealány
girlwhowouldhavehearttrouble—“sopinchedés
andpeakedalways”;andUncleWellingtonwouldtakeitasa
személyes
personalinsult,when“noStirlingevervolt
hadheartdiseasebefore”;andGeorgianawouldforebodein
tökéletesen
perfectlyaudibleasidesthat“poor,drága
dearlittleDossisn’tlongforezen
thisworld,I’mafraid”;andCousinGladys
legyen
wouldsay,“Why,myhearthasbeenlikethatforyears,”inatonethatimpliednincs
nooneelsehadanybusinesseventomár
haveaheart;andOlive—Olivewouldmerelylookbeautiful
és
andsuperioranddisgustinglyhealthy,asiftosay,“Whyallthisfelhajtás
fussoverafadedsuperfluitylikeDossamikor
whenyouhaveme?”Valancyfeltthatshecouldn’ttellanybody
hacsak
unlessshehadto.Shefeltquite
biztos
suretherewasnothingatösszes
allseriouslywrongwithherheartés
andnoneedofallthepotherhogy
thatwouldensueifshementionedit.Shewould
csak
justslipupquietlyandseeDr.Trentthatverynapon
day.Asforhisbill,she
volt
hadthetwohundreddollarsamit
thatherfatherhadputinthebankforherthedayshewasborn.Shewasneverallowedtouseeventheinterestof
e
this,butshewouldsecretlytakeki
outenoughtopayDr.Trent.Dr.
Trentwas
egy
agruff,outspoken,absent-mindedoldfickó
fellow,buthewasaelismert
recognisedauthorityonheartdisease,evenha
ifhewereonlyaáltalános
generalpractitionerinout-of-the-worldDeerwood.Dr.Trentwasoverseventy
és
andtherehadbeenrumoursthathemeanttonyugdíjba
retiresoon.NoneoftheStirlingclanhadever
ment
gonetohimsincehehadtoldCousinGladys,tíz
tenyearsbefore,thatherneuritiswasallképzeletbeli
imaginaryandthatsheenjoyedit.Youcouldn’tpatroniseadoctor
aki
whoinsultedyourfirst-cousin-once-removedlikethat—nottobeszélve
mentionthathewasaPresbyterianamikor
whenalltheStirlingswenttoaz
theAnglicanchurch.CHAPTERII
Amikor
WhenCousinSticklesknockedatherdoor,Valancytudta
knewitwashalf-pastsevenés
andshemustgetup.Aslongasshecould
emlékszik
remember,CousinStickleshadknockedatherdoorathalf-pastseven.CousinStickles
és
andMrs.FrederickStirlinghadbeenupsincehét
seven,butValancywasallowedtolieabedfél
halfanhourlongerbecauseofafamilyhagyomány
traditionthatshewasdelicate.Valancygotup,
bár
thoughshehatedgettinguptöbb
morethismorningthanevershevolt
hadbefore.