I
Iama
beteg
sickman....Iamaspiteful
ember
man.Iamanunattractive
férfi
man.Ibelievemyliverisdiseased.
However,I
tudom
knownothingatallaboutmydisease,és
anddonotknowforcertainwhatailsengem
me.Idon’tconsultadoctorforit,
és
andneverhave,thoughIhavearespectformedicineés
anddoctors.Besides,Iamextremelysuperstitious,sufficientlysotorespectmedicine,
amúgy
anyway(Iamwell-educatedenoughnottobesuperstitious,de
butIamsuperstitious).No,Irefusetoconsultadoctorfromspite.
Amit
Thatyouprobablywillnotmegérteni
understand.Well,Iunderstandit,though.
Of
természetesen
course,Ican’texplainwhoitispreciselyhogy
thatIammortifyinginthisesetben
casebymyspite:Iamperfectlywellaware
hogy
thatIcannot“payout”az
thedoctorsbynotconsultingthem;I
tudom
knowbetterthananyonethatbyallthisIamcsak
onlyinjuringmyselfandnooneelse.De
Butstill,ifIdon’tconsultadoctoritisfromspite.Myliveris
rossz
bad,well—letitgetworse!I
már
havebeengoingonlikethatforalongtime—twentyyears.NowIamforty.
Iusedtobeinthegovernmentservice,
de
butamnolonger.Iwasaspitefulofficial.
Iwasrude
és
andtookpleasureinbeingso.Ididnottakebribes,yousee,soIwasboundtofindarecompenseinthat,atleast.
(A
szegény
poorjest,butIwillnotscratchitout.Iwroteit
gondoltam
thinkingitwouldsoundverywitty;de
butnowthatIhaveláttam
seenmyselfthatIonlyakartam
wantedtoshowoffinadespicablemódon
way,Iwillnotscratchitoutonpurpose!)Amikor
WhenpetitionersusedtocomeforinformationtothetableatwhichIültem
sat,Iusedtogrindmyteethatrájuk
them,andfeltintenseenjoymentamikor
whenIsucceededinmakinganybodyunhappy.I
majdnem
almostdidsucceed.Forthemostparttheywerealltimidpeople—of
persze
course,theywerepetitioners.Butoftheuppishones
nem
therewasoneofficerinparticularItudtam
couldnotendure.Hesimply
lenni
wouldnotbehumble,andclankedhisswordinadisgustingmódon
way.Icarriedonafeudwithhimforeighteenmonthsoverthatsword.
AtlastIgotthebetterofhim.
Heleftoffclankingit.
That
történt
happenedinmyyouth,though.De
Butdoyouknow,gentlemen,whatwasa
thechiefpointaboutmyspite?Why,the
egész
wholepoint,therealstingofitlayinthefacthogy
thatcontinually,eveninthemomentoftheacutestspleen,Iwasinwardlyconsciouswithshamehogy
thatIwasnotonlynotaspitefulhanem
butnotevenanembitteredember
man,thatIwassimplyscaringsparrowsatrandomés
andamusingmyselfbyit.Imightfoamatthemouth,
de
butbringmeadolltoplaywith,adj
givemeacupofteawithsugarinit,és
andmaybeIshouldbeappeased.Imightevenbegenuinelytouched,
bár
thoughprobablyIshouldgrindmyteethatmyselfafterwardsés
andlieawakeatnightwithshameformonthsafter.Thatwasmyway.
Iwaslying
amikor
whenIsaidjustnowhogy
thatIwasaspitefulofficial.Iwaslyingfromspite.
Iwassimplyamusingmyselfwiththepetitioners
és
andwiththeofficer,andinrealityIneverlehetett
couldbecomespiteful.Iwasconscious
minden
everymomentinmyselfofsok
many,verymanyelementsabsolutelyoppositetothat.Ifeltthempositivelyswarminginme,
ezek
theseoppositeelements.Iknew
hogy
thattheyhadbeenswarminginmeallmylifeés
andcravingsomeoutletfromme,de
butIwouldnotletőket
them,wouldnotletthem,purposelywouldnotletthemcomeout.TheytormentedmetillIwasashamed:
theydrovemetoconvulsionsand—sickenedme,atlast,howtheysickenedme!
Most
Now,arenotyoufancying,gentlemen,hogy
thatIamexpressingremorseforsomethingmost
now,thatIamaskingyourforgivenessforsomething?Iam
biztos
sureyouarefancyingthat...However,IassureyouIdonot
érdekel
careifyouare....Itwasnot
csak
onlythatIcouldnotbecomespiteful,Ididnottudtam
knowhowtobecomeanything;neitherspitefulnor
kedves
kind,neitherarascalnoranhonestman,neitheraheronoraninsect.Most
Now,Iamlivingoutmylifeinmycorner,tauntingmyselfwiththespitefulés
anduselessconsolationthatanintelligentember
mancannotbecomeanythingseriously,és
anditisonlythefoolwhobecomesbármi
anything.Yes,amaninthenineteenthcentury
kell
mustandmorallyoughttobepre-eminentlyacharacterlesscreature;a
ember
manofcharacter,anactiveember
manispre-eminentlyalimitedcreature.Thatismyconvictionoffortyyears.
Iamfortyyearsoldnow,
és
andyouknowfortyyearsisegy
awholelifetime;youknowitisextremeoldage.
To
élni
livelongerthanfortyyearsisrossz
badmanners,isvulgar,immoral.Ki
Whodoeslivebeyondforty?Answerthat,sincerely
és
andhonestlyIwilltellyouki
whodo:foolsandworthlessfellows.
I
mondom
tellalloldmenthattotheirface,minden
allthesevenerableoldmen,minden
allthesesilver-hairedandreverendseniors!I
mondom
tellthewholeworldthattoitsface!I
van
havearighttosayso,forIshallgoonlivingtosixtymyself.Toseventy!
Toeighty!
Stay,
hadd
letmetakebreath...Youimaginenodoubt,gentlemen,thatI
akarom
wanttoamuseyou.Youaremistakeninthat,too.
Iamby
nem
nomeanssuchamirthfulember
personasyouimagine,orasyoumayimagine;however,irritatedbyallthisbabble(andI
érzem
feelthatyouareirritated)yougondolod
thinkfittoaskmeki
whoIam—thenmyansweraz
is,Iamacollegiateassessor.IwasintheservicethatImighthavesomethingto
enni
eat(andsolelyforthatreason),és
andwhenlastyearadistantrelationhagyott
leftmesixthousandroublesinhislegyen
willIimmediatelyretiredfromtheserviceés
andsettleddowninmycorner.Iusedto
éltem
liveinthiscornerbefore,de
butnowIhavesettleddowninit.Myroomisawretched,horridoneintheoutskirtsofthe
város
town.Myservantisan
öreg
oldcountry-woman,ill-naturedfromstupidity,és
and,moreover,thereisalwaysanastysmellabouther.Iam
mondják
toldthatthePetersburgclimateisrossz
badforme,andthatwithmykis
smallmeansitisveryexpensivetoélni
liveinPetersburg.Iknowallthat
jobban
betterthanallthesesageés
andexperiencedcounsellorsandmonitors....De
ButIamremaininginPetersburg;Iamnot
megyek
goingawayfromPetersburg!Iamnot
megyek
goingawaybecause...ech!
Why,itisabsolutely
nem
nomatterwhetherIammegyek
goingawayornotgoingaway.De
Butwhatcanadecentember
manspeakofwithmostpleasure?Válasz
Answer:Ofhimself.
II
Iwant
most
nowtotellyou,gentlemen,whetheryouérdekli
caretohearitornot,miért
whyIcouldnotevenválni
becomeaninsect.Itellyousolemnly,thatIhavemanytimes
megpróbáltam
triedtobecomeaninsect.De
ButIwasnotequalmég
eventothat.Iswear,gentlemen,thattobetooconsciousis
egy
anillness—arealthorough-goingillness.Forman’severydayneeds,itwould
volna
havebeenquiteenoughtovolna
havetheordinaryhumanconsciousness,thatis,fele
halforaquarteroftheamountami
whichfallstothelotofacultivatedember
manofourunhappynineteenthcentury,especiallyoneaki
whohasthefatalill-lucktoinhabitPetersburg,themosttheoreticalés
andintentionaltownonthewholeterrestrialglobe.Nem
(Thereareintentionalandunintentionaltowns.)Itwould
volna
havebeenquiteenough,forinstance,tovolna
havetheconsciousnessbywhichallso-calleddirectszemélyek
personsandmenofactionélnek
live.IbetyouthinkIam
írom
writingallthisfromaffectation,tobewittyattheexpenseofmenofaction;és
andwhatismore,thatfromill-bredaffectation,Iamclankingaswordmint
likemyofficer.But,gentlemen,whoever
tud
canpridehimselfonhisdiseasesandevenswaggeroverthem?Bár
Though,afterall,everyonedoescsinálja
dothat;peopledopridethemselvesontheirdiseases,
és
andIdo,maybe,moremint
thananyone.Wewillnotdisputeit;
mycontentionwasabsurd.
ButyetIamfirmlypersuaded
hogy
thatagreatdealofconsciousness,everysortofconsciousness,invalójában
fact,isadisease.Isticktothat.
Letus
hagyjuk
leavethat,too,foraminute.Tellme
ezt
this:whydoesithappenthatatthevery,yes,attheverymoments
amikor
whenIammostcapableoférezni
feelingeveryrefinementofallthatis“sublimeés
andbeautiful,”astheyusedtomondták
sayatonetime,itwould,asthoughofdesign,történik
happentomenotonlytoérezni
feelbuttodosuchuglythings,ilyen
suchthat...Well,inshort,actionsthatall,
talán
perhaps,commit;butwhich,asthoughpurposely,occurredtomeat
az
theverytimewhenIwasleginkább
mostconsciousthattheyoughtnottobecommitted.ThemoreconsciousIwasofgoodness
és
andofallthatwas“sublimeés
andbeautiful,”themoredeeplyIsankintomymireés
andthemorereadyIwastosinkinitaltogether.Butthechiefpointwasthatallthiswas,asitwere,notaccidentalinme,butasthoughitwereboundtobeso.
Itwasasthoughitweremymostnormalcondition,
és
andnotintheleastdiseasevagy
ordepravity,sothatatlastminden
alldesireinmetostruggleellen
againstthisdepravitypassed.Itendedbymy
majdnem
almostbelieving(perhapsactuallybelieving)hogy
thatthiswasperhapsmynormalcondition.De
Butatfirst,inthebeginning,whatagoniesIenduredinthatstruggle!Ididnotbelieveitwasthe
ugyanaz
samewithotherpeople,andallmylifeIhidthistényt
factaboutmyselfasasecret.Iwasashamed
Is
(evennow,perhaps,Iamashamed):Igottothepointoffeeling
egy
asortofsecretabnormal,despicableenjoymentinreturninghometomycorneronsomedisgustingPetersburgnight,acutelyconsciousamit
thatthatdayIhadcommittedegy
aloathsomeactionagain,thatwhatwasdonelehet
couldneverbeundone,andsecretly,inwardlygnawing,gnawingatmyselfforit,tearingés
andconsumingmyselftillatlastthebitternessturnedintoegy
asortofshamefulaccursedsweetness,és
andatlast—intopositiverealenjoyment!Igen
Yes,intoenjoyment,intoenjoyment!Iinsistuponthat.
Ihavespokenof
e
thisbecauseIkeepwantingtotudni
knowforafactwhethermás
otherpeoplefeelsuchenjoyment?Iwillexplain;
theenjoymentwas
csak
justfromthetoointenseconsciousnessofone’ssaját
owndegradation;itwasfromfeelingoneself
hogy
thatonehadreachedtheutolsó
lastbarrier,thatitwashorrible,de
butthatitcouldnotbeotherwise;hogy
thattherewasnoescapeforyou;hogy
thatyounevercouldbecomeamás
differentman;thatevenif
idő
timeandfaithwerestillleftyoutochangeintovalami
somethingdifferentyouwouldmostlikelynotwishtochange;vagy
orifyoudidwishto,is
eventhenyouwoulddonothing;mert
becauseperhapsinrealitytherewassemmi
nothingforyoutochangeinto.És
Andtheworstofitwas,és
andtherootofitall,amely
thatitwasallinaccordwiththenormalfundamentallawsofover-acuteconsciousness,és
andwiththeinertiathatwasthedirectresultofthoselaws,és
andthatconsequentlyonewasnotonlyunabletováltoztatni
changebutcoulddoabsolutelynothing.Thusitwouldfollow,astheresultofacuteconsciousness,thatoneisnottoblameinbeingascoundrel;
asthoughthatwereanyconsolationto
a
thescoundreloncehehascometorealisethathevalójában
actuallyisascoundrel.But
elég
enough....Ech,Ihavetalkeda
sok
lotofnonsense,butwhathaveIexplained?Hogyan
Howisenjoymentinthistobeexplained?De
ButIwillexplainit.Iwillgettothebottomofit!
ThatiswhyIhavetaken
fel
upmypen....I,forinstance,haveagreatdealofamourpropre.
Iamassuspicious
és
andpronetotakeoffenceasegy
ahumpbackoradwarf.De
ButuponmywordInéha
sometimeshavehadmomentswhenifIhadvéletlenül
happenedtobeslappedinthefaceIshould,talán
perhaps,havebeenpositivelygladofit.I
mondom
say,inearnest,thatIshouldvalószínűleg
probablyhavebeenabletodiscovereveninthategy
apeculiarsortofenjoyment—theenjoyment,oftermészetesen
course,ofdespair;butindespairtherearethemostintenseenjoyments,especially
ha
whenoneisveryacutelyconsciousofthehopelessnessofone’sposition.És
Andwhenoneisslappedintheface—whythentheconsciousnessofbeingrubbedintoapulpwouldpositivelyoverwhelmone.Theworstofitis,lookatitwhichwayonewill,itstillturnsoutthatIwasalwaysthemosttoblameineverything.
És
Andwhatismosthumiliatingofall,toblamefornem
nofaultofmyownhanem
but,sotosay,throughthelawsofnature.Inthefirstplace,toblame
mert
becauseIamclevererthananyoftheemberek
peoplesurroundingme.(Ihavealwaysconsideredmyselfcleverer
mint
thananyofthepeoplesurroundingme,és
andsometimes,wouldyoubelieveit,havebeenpositivelyashamedofit.Atanyrate,I
volna
haveallmylife,asitwere,turnedmyeyesawayés
andnevercouldlookpeoplestraightintheface.)Toblame,finally,
mert
becauseevenifIhadhadmagnanimity,Ishouldcsak
onlyhavehadmoresufferingfromthesenseofitsuselessness.Ishouldcertainly
volna
haveneverbeenabletodosemmit
anythingfrombeingmagnanimous—neithertoforgive,formyassailantwouldtalán
perhapshaveslappedmefromthelawsofnature,és
andonecannotforgivethelawsofnature;norto
elfelejteni
forget,forevenifitwereowingtothelawsofnature,itisinsultingallthesame.Finally,even
ha
ifIhadwantedtobebármi
anythingbutmagnanimous,haddesiredonthecontrarytorevengemyselfonmyassailant,Icouldnotvolna
haverevengedmyselfonanyoneforbármi
anythingbecauseIshouldcertainlynevervolna
havemadeupmymindtodobármi
anything,evenifIhadbeenképes
ableto.WhyshouldInot
volna
havemadeupmymind?III
Withpeoplewho
tudják
knowhowtorevengethemselvesés
andtostandupforthemselvesingeneral,hogyan
howisitdone?Why,
ha
whentheyarepossessed,letussuppose,bythefeelingofrevenge,thenforthetimenem
thereisnothingelsebutthatfeelingleftintheiregész
wholebeing.Suchagentlemansimplydashesstraightforhisobject
mint
likeaninfuriatedbullwithitshornslefelé
down,andnothingbutawallwillstophim.(Bytheway:
facingthewall,
ilyen
suchgentlemen—thatis,the“direct”személyek
personsandmenofaction—aregenuinelynonplussed.Forthemawallisnotanevasion,asforuspeople
akik
whothinkandconsequentlydonothing;itisnotan
mentség
excuseforturningaside,anmentség
excuseforwhichwearemindig
alwaysveryglad,thoughwescarcelybelieveinitourselves,asarule.Nem
No,theyarenonplussedinallsincerity.Thewall
van
hasforthemsomethingtranquillising,morallysoothing,final—maybeevenvalami
somethingmysterious...butofthewall
később
later.)Well,suchadirectpersonIregardasthe
igazi
realnormalman,ashistenderanyja
mothernaturewishedtoseehimamikor
whenshegraciouslybroughthimintobeingontheearth.Ienvy
ilyen
suchamantillIamgreeninaz
theface.Heisstupid.
Iamnotdisputingthat,
de
butperhapsthenormalmankell
shouldbestupid,howdoyoutudod
know?Perhapsitisvery
szép
beautiful,infact.AndIamthemorepersuadedof
hogy
thatsuspicion,ifonecancallitso,bythefacthogy
thatifyoutake,forinstance,theantithesisofthenormalember
man,thatis,themanofacuteconsciousness,aki
whohascome,ofcourse,notoutofthelapofnaturebutoutofaretort(thisismajdnem
almostmysticism,gentlemen,butIsuspectthis,is
too),thisretort-mademanisnéha
sometimessononplussedinthepresenceofhisantithesishogy
thatwithallhisexaggeratedconsciousnesshegenuinelygondolja
thinksofhimselfasamouseés
andnotaman.Itmaybeanacutelyconsciousmouse,
mégis
yetitisamouse,míg
whiletheotherisaember
man,andtherefore,etcaetera,etcaetera.És
Andtheworstofitis,hehimself,hisverymaga
ownself,looksonhimselfasamouse;nooneaskshimtodoso;
és
andthatisanimportantpont
point.Nowletuslookat
ezt
thismouseinaction.Letussuppose,forinstance,thatit
érzi
feelsinsulted,too(anditszinte
almostalwaysdoesfeelinsulted),és
andwantstorevengeitself,is
too.Theremayevenbeagreateraccumulationofspiteinit
mint
thaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.Thebase
és
andnastydesiretoventthatspiteonitsassailantranklestalán
perhapsevenmorenastilyinitmint
thaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.Forthroughhisinnatestupiditythelatterlooksuponhisrevengeasjusticepure
és
andsimple;whileinconsequenceofhisacuteconsciousness
az
themousedoesnotbelieveinaz
thejusticeofit.Tocomeatlasttothedeeditself,totheveryactofrevenge.
Apartfromtheonefundamentalnastinessthelucklessmousesucceedsincreatingarounditso
sok
manyothernastinessesintheformofdoubtsés
andquestions,addstotheonequestionsosok
manyunsettledquestionsthatthereinevitablyworksuparounditasortoffatalbrew,astinkingmess,hogy
madeupofitsdoubts,emotions,és
andofthecontemptspatuponitbythedirectmenofactionakik
whostandsolemnlyaboutitasjudgesés
andarbitrators,laughingatittilltheirhealthysidesache.Of
természetesen
coursetheonlythingleftforitistodismissallthatwithegy
awaveofitspaw,és
and,withasmileofassumedcontemptinami
whichitdoesnotevenitselfbelieve,creepignominiouslyintoitsmouse-hole.Ott
Thereinitsnasty,stinking,undergroundhomeourinsulted,crushedés
andridiculedmousepromptlybecomesabsorbedinhideg
cold,malignantand,aboveall,everlastingspite.Forfortyyears
együtt
togetheritwillrememberitsinjurydowntothesmallest,mostignominiousdetails,és
andeverytimewilladd,ofitself,detailsmég
stillmoreignominious,spitefullyteasingés
andtormentingitselfwithitssaját
ownimagination.Itwillitselfbeashamedofitsimaginings,butyetitwillrecallitall,itwill
menni
gooverandovereverydetail,itwillinventunheardofthingsszemben
againstitself,pretendingthatthosethingsmightmegtörténhetnének
happen,andwillforgivenothing.Lehet
Maybeitwillbegintorevengeitself,too,de
but,asitwere,piecemeal,intrivialways,frombehindthestove,incognito,withoutbelievingeitherinitsownrighttovengeance,orinthesuccessofitsrevenge,knowingthatfromallitseffortsatrevengeitfog
willsufferahundredtimesmorethanheonwhomitrevengesitself,míg
whilehe,Idaresay,willnotevenscratchhimself.Onitsdeathbedit
fog
willrecallitalloverújra
again,withinterestaccumulatedoveralltheyearsés
and...Butitisjustinthat
hideg
cold,abominablehalfdespair,halfbelief,inthatconsciousburyingoneselfélve
aliveforgriefintheunderworldforfortyyears,inthatacutelyrecognisedés
andyetpartlydoubtfulhopelessnessofone’sposition,inthathellofunsatisfieddesiresturnedinward,inthatfeverofoscillations,ofresolutionsdeterminedforeverés
andrepentedofagainaminutelater—thatthesavourofthatstrangeenjoymentofwhichIhavespokenlies.Itissosubtle,sodifficultofanalysis,
hogy
thatpersonswhoareakicsit
littlelimited,orevensimplyszemélyek
personsofstrongnerves,willnotmegérteni
understandasingleatomofit.“Possibly,”youwilladdonyour
saját
ownaccountwithagrin,“peoplewillnotmegérteni
understanditeitherwhohaveneverreceivedaslapintheface,ӎs
andinthatwayyouwillpolitelyhinttomethatI,is
too,perhaps,havehadtheexperienceofaslapinthefaceinmylife,és
andsoIspeakasonewhotudja
knows.Ibetthatyouare
gondolsz
thinkingthat.Butsetyourmindsatrest,gentlemen,Ihavenotreceivedaslapintheface,
bár
thoughitisabsolutelyamatterofindifferencetomewhatyoumaygondolnak
thinkaboutit.Possibly,I
is
evenregret,myself,thatIhaveadtam
givensofewslapsinaz
thefaceduringmylife.De
Butenough...notanother
szót
wordonthatsubjectofsuchextremeinteresttoyou.Iwillcontinuecalmlyconcerningpersonswithstrongnerves
akik
whodonotunderstandacertainrefinementofenjoyment.Thoughincertaincircumstancesthesegentlemenbellowtheirloudestlikebulls,though
ez
this,letussuppose,doesthemthegreatestcredit,yet,asIhavesaidalready,confrontedwiththeimpossibletheysubsideatonce.A
Theimpossiblemeansthestonewall!Whatstonewall?
Why,of
természetesen
course,thelawsofnature,thedeductionsofnaturalscience,mathematics.