I
Iamasickman....
Iamaspitefulman.
Iamanunattractiveman.
Ibelievemyliverisdiseased.
Jedoch
However,Iknownothingatallaboutmydisease,anddonotknowforcertainwhatailsme.Idon’tconsultadoctorforit,andneverhave,thoughIhavea
respekt
respectformedicineanddoctors.Besides,Iamextremelysuperstitious,sufficientlysoto
respektieren
respectmedicine,anyway(Iamwell-educatedenoughnottobesuperstitious,butIamsuperstitious).No,Irefusetoconsultadoctorfromspite.
Thatyouprobablywillnotunderstand.
Well,Iunderstandit,though.
Ofcourse,Ican’t
erklären
explainwhoitispreciselythatIammortifyinginthiscasebymyspite:IamperfectlywellawarethatIcannot“payout”thedoctorsbynotconsultingthem;
IknowbetterthananyonethatbyallthisIamonlyinjuringmyselfandnooneelse.
Butstill,ifIdon’tconsultadoctoritisfromspite.
Myliverisbad,well—letitget
schlimmer
worse!Ihavebeengoingonlikethatforalongtime—twentyyears.
NowIamforty.
Iusedtobeinthegovernmentservice,butamnolonger.
Iwasaspitefulofficial.
Iwasrudeandtookpleasureinbeingso.
Ididnottakebribes,yousee,soIwasboundtofindarecompenseinthat,atleast.
(Apoorjest,butIwillnotscratchitout.
Iwroteitthinkingitwouldsoundverywitty;
butnowthatIhaveseenmyselfthatIonlywantedtoshowoffinadespicableway,Iwillnotscratchitoutonpurpose!)
Whenpetitionersusedtocomefor
informationen
informationtothetableatwhichIsat,Iusedtogrindmyteethatthem,andfeltintenseenjoymentwhenIsucceededinmakinganybodyunhappy.Ialmostdidsucceed.
Forthemostparttheywerealltimidpeople—ofcourse,theywerepetitioners.
Butoftheuppishonestherewasone
offizier
officerinparticularIcouldnotendure.He
einfach
simplywouldnotbehumble,andclankedhisswordinadisgustingway.Icarriedonafeudwithhimforeighteenmonthsoverthatsword.
AtlastIgotthebetterofhim.
Heleftoffclankingit.
Thathappenedinmyyouth,though.
Butdoyouknow,gentlemen,whatwasthechiefpointaboutmyspite?
Why,thewholepoint,therealstingofit
lag
layinthefactthatcontinually,eveninthemomentoftheacutestspleen,Iwasinwardlyconsciouswithscham
shamethatIwasnotonlynotaspitefulbutnotevenanembitteredman,thatIwaseinfach
simplyscaringsparrowsatrandomandamusingmyselfbyit.Imightfoamatthe
mund
mouth,butbringmeadolltoplaywith,givemeatasse
cupofteawithsugarinit,andmaybeIshouldbeappeased.Imightevenbegenuinelytouched,thoughprobablyIshouldgrindmyteethatmyselfafterwardsand
liegen
lieawakeatnightwithscham
shameformonthsafter.Thatwasmyway.
IwaslyingwhenIsaidjustnowthatIwasaspitefulofficial.
Iwaslyingfromspite.
Iwas
einfach
simplyamusingmyselfwiththepetitionersandwiththeoffizier
officer,andinrealityInevercouldbecomespiteful.Iwasconsciouseverymomentinmyselfofmany,verymanyelements
absolut
absolutelyoppositetothat.Ifeltthempositivelyswarminginme,theseoppositeelements.
Iknewthattheyhadbeenswarminginmeallmylifeandcravingsomeoutletfromme,butIwouldnotletthem,wouldnotletthem,purposelywouldnotletthemcomeout.
TheytormentedmetillIwasashamed:
theydrovemetoconvulsionsand—sickenedme,atlast,howtheysickenedme!
Now,arenotyoufancying,gentlemen,thatIamexpressingremorseforsomethingnow,thatIamaskingyourforgivenessforsomething?
Iamsureyouarefancyingthat...
Jedoch
However,IassureyouIdonotcareifyouare....ItwasnotonlythatIcouldnotbecomespiteful,Ididnotknowhowtobecomeanything;
weder
neitherspitefulnorkind,neitherarascalnoranhonestman,weder
neitheraheronoraninsect.Now,Iamlivingoutmylifeinmycorner,tauntingmyselfwiththespitefulanduselessconsolationthatanintelligentmancannotbecomeanythingseriously,anditisonlythefoolwhobecomesanything.
Yes,amaninthenineteenthcenturymustandmorallyoughttobepre-eminentlyacharacterlesscreature;
amanofcharacter,anactivemanispre-eminentlyalimitedcreature.
Thatismyconvictionoffortyyears.
Iamfortyyearsoldnow,andyouknowfortyyearsisawholelifetime;
youknowitisextremeold
alter
age.Tolivelongerthanfortyyearsisbadmanners,isvulgar,immoral.
Whodoeslivebeyondforty?
Answerthat,sincerelyandhonestlyIwilltellyouwhodo:
foolsandworthlessfellows.
Itellalloldmenthattotheirface,allthesevenerableoldmen,allthesesilver-hairedandreverendseniors!
Itellthewholeworldthattoitsface!
Ihavearighttosayso,forIshallgoonlivingtosixtymyself.
Toseventy!
Toeighty!
Stay,letmetakebreath...
Youimagineno
zweifel
doubt,gentlemen,thatIwanttoamuseyou.Youaremistakeninthat,too.
Iambynomeanssuchamirthfulpersonasyou
vorstellen
imagine,orasyoumayvorstellen
imagine;however,irritatedbyallthisbabble(andIfeelthatyouareirritated)youthinkfittoaskmewhoIam—thenmyansweris,Iamacollegiateassessor.
Iwasinthe
dienst
servicethatImighthavesomethingtoeat(andsolelyforthatreason),andwhenlastyearadistantrelationleftmesixthousandroublesinhiswillIsofort
immediatelyretiredfromtheserviceandsettleddowninmycorner.Iusedtoliveinthiscornerbefore,butnowIhavesettleddowninit.
Myroomisawretched,horridoneintheoutskirtsofthetown.
Myservantisanoldcountry-woman,ill-naturedfromstupidity,and,moreover,thereisalwaysanastysmellabouther.
IamtoldthatthePetersburgclimateisbadforme,andthatwithmysmallmeansitisveryexpensivetoliveinPetersburg.
Iknowallthatbetterthanallthesesageandexperiencedcounsellorsandmonitors....
ButIamremaininginPetersburg;
IamnotgoingawayfromPetersburg!
Iamnotgoingawaybecause...
ech!
Why,itis
absolut
absolutelynomatterwhetherIamgoingawayornotgoingaway.Butwhatcanadecentmanspeakofwithmost
vergnügen
pleasure?Answer:
Ofhimself.
II
Iwantnowtotellyou,gentlemen,
ob
whetheryoucaretohearitornot,whyIcouldnotevenbecomeaninsect.Itellyousolemnly,thatIhavemanytimestriedtobecomeaninsect.
ButIwasnotequaleventothat.
Iswear,gentlemen,thattobetooconsciousisanillness—arealthorough-goingillness.
Forman’severydayneeds,itwouldhavebeenquiteenoughtohavetheordinaryhumanconsciousness,thatis,halforaquarteroftheamountwhichfallstothelotofacultivatedmanofourunhappynineteenthcentury,
besonders
especiallyonewhohasthefatalill-lucktoinhabitPetersburg,themosttheoreticalandintentionaltownonthewholeterrestrialglobe.(Thereareintentionalandunintentionaltowns.)
Itwouldhavebeenquiteenough,forinstance,tohavetheconsciousnessbywhichallso-calleddirectpersonsandmenofactionlive.
I
wette
betyouthinkIamschreibe
writingallthisfromaffectation,tobewittyattheexpenseofmenofaktion
action;andwhatismore,thatfromill-bredaffectation,Iamclankingaswordlikemy
offizier
officer.But,gentlemen,whoevercanpridehimselfonhisdiseasesandevenswaggeroverthem?
Though,afterall,everyonedoesdothat;
peopledopridethemselvesontheirdiseases,andIdo,maybe,morethananyone.
Wewillnotdisputeit;
mycontentionwasabsurd.
ButyetIamfirmlypersuadedthatagreatdealofconsciousness,everysortofconsciousness,infact,isadisease.
Isticktothat.
Letusleavethat,too,foraminute.
Tellmethis:
whydoesithappenthatatthevery,yes,attheverymomentswhenIammostcapableoffeelingeveryrefinementofallthatis“sublimeandbeautiful,”astheyusedtosayatonetime,itwould,asthoughofdesign,happentomenotonlytofeelbuttodosuchuglythings,suchthat...
Well,in
kurz
short,actionsthatall,perhaps,commit;butwhich,asthoughpurposely,occurredtomeattheverytimewhenIwasmostconsciousthattheyoughtnottobecommitted.
ThemoreconsciousIwasofgoodnessandofallthatwas“sublimeandbeautiful,”themoredeeplyIsankintomymireandthemorereadyIwastosinkinitaltogether.
Butthechiefpointwasthatallthiswas,asitwere,notaccidentalinme,butasthoughitwereboundtobeso.
Itwasasthoughitweremymostnormalcondition,andnotintheleastdiseaseordepravity,sothatatlastalldesireinmetostruggleagainstthisdepravity
vergangen
passed.Itendedbymyalmostbelieving(perhapsactuallybelieving)thatthiswasperhapsmynormalcondition.
Butatfirst,inthe
anfang
beginning,whatagoniesIenduredinthatstruggle!Ididnotbelieveitwasthesamewithotherpeople,andallmylifeIhidthisfactaboutmyselfasa
geheimnis
secret.Iwasashamed(evennow,perhaps,Iamashamed):
Igottothepointoffeelingasortofsecretabnormal,despicableenjoymentinreturninghometomycorneronsomedisgustingPetersburgnight,acutelyconsciousthatthatdayIhadcommittedaloathsomeactionagain,thatwhatwasdonecouldneverbeundone,andsecretly,inwardlygnawing,gnawingatmyselfforit,tearingandconsumingmyselftillatlastthebitternessturnedintoasortofshamefulaccursedsweetness,andatlast—intopositiverealenjoyment!
Yes,intoenjoyment,intoenjoyment!
Iinsistuponthat.
IhavespokenofthisbecauseIkeepwantingtoknowforafact
ob
whetherotherpeoplefeelsuchenjoyment?Iwill
erklären
explain;theenjoymentwasjustfromthetoointenseconsciousnessofone’sowndegradation;
itwasfromfeelingoneselfthatonehadreachedthelastbarrier,thatitwashorrible,butthatitcouldnotbe
anders
otherwise;thattherewasno
flucht
escapeforyou;thatyounevercouldbecomeadifferentman;
thateveniftimeandfaithwerestillleftyoutochangeintosomethingdifferentyouwouldmostlikelynotwishtochange;
orifyoudidwishto,eventhenyouwoulddonothing;
becauseperhapsinrealitytherewasnothingforyoutochangeinto.
Andthe
schlimmste
worstofitwas,andtherootofitall,thatitwasallinaccordwiththenormalen
normalfundamentallawsofover-acuteconsciousness,andwiththeinertiathatwasthedirectresultofthoselaws,andthatconsequentlyonewasnotonlyunabletochangebutcoulddoabsolut
absolutelynothing.Thusitwouldfollow,astheresultofacuteconsciousness,thatoneisnottoblameinbeingascoundrel;
asthoughthatwereanyconsolationtothescoundreloncehehascometorealisethatheactuallyisascoundrel.
Butenough....
Ech,Ihavetalkedalotofnonsense,butwhathaveI
erklärt
explained?Howisenjoymentinthistobe
erklären
explained?ButIwillexplainit.
Iwillgettothebottomofit!
ThatiswhyIhavetakenupmypen....
I,forinstance,haveagreatdealofamourpropre.
Iamassuspiciousandpronetotakeoffenceasahumpbackoradwarf.
ButuponmywordIsometimeshavehadmomentswhenifIhadhappenedtobeslappedinthefaceIshould,perhaps,havebeenpositivelygladofit.
Isay,inearnest,thatIshouldprobablyhavebeenabletodiscovereveninthatapeculiarsortofenjoyment—theenjoyment,ofcourse,ofdespair;
butindespairtherearethemostintenseenjoyments,
besonders
especiallywhenoneisveryacutelyconsciousofthehopelessnessofone’sposition
position.Andwhenoneisslappedintheface—whythentheconsciousnessofbeingrubbedintoapulpwouldpositivelyoverwhelmone.
The
schlimmste
worstofitis,lookatitwhichwayonewill,itstillturnsoutthatIwasalwaysthemosttoschuld
blameineverything.Andwhatismosthumiliatingofall,toblamefornofaultofmyownbut,sotosay,throughthelawsof
natur
nature.Inthefirstplace,toblamebecauseIamclevererthananyofthepeoplesurroundingme.
(Ihavealwaysconsideredmyselfclevererthananyofthepeoplesurroundingme,andsometimes,wouldyoubelieveit,havebeenpositivelyashamedofit.
Atanyrate,Ihaveallmylife,asitwere,turnedmyeyesawayandnevercouldlookpeople
direkt
straightintheface.)To
schuld
blame,finally,becauseevenifIhadhadmagnanimity,Ishouldonlyhavehadmoresufferingfromthesenseofitsuselessness.Ishould
sicherlich
certainlyhaveneverbeenabletodoanythingfrombeingmagnanimous—neithertovergeben
forgive,formyassailantwouldperhapshaveslappedmefromthelawsofnatur
nature,andonecannotforgivethelawsofnatur
nature;nortoforget,forevenifitwere
verdanken
owingtothelawsofnatur
nature,itisinsultingallthesame.Schließlich
Finally,evenifIhadwantedtobeanythingbutmagnanimous,haddesiredonthecontrarytorevengemyselfonmyassailant,IcouldnothaverevengedmyselfonanyoneforanythingbecauseIshouldsicherlich
certainlyneverhavemadeupmymindtodoanything,evenifIhadbeenableto.WhyshouldInothavemadeupmymind?
III
Withpeoplewhoknowhowtorevengethemselvesandtostandupforthemselvesingeneral,howisitdone?
Why,whentheyarepossessed,letus
annehmen
suppose,bythefeelingofrevenge,thenforthetimethereisnothingelsebutthatfeelingleftintheirwholebeing.Suchagentleman
einfach
simplydashesstraightforhisobjectlikeaninfuriatedbullwithitshornsdown,andnothingbutamauer
wallwillstophim.(Bytheway:
facingthewall,suchgentlemen—thatis,the“direct”personsandmenofaction—aregenuinelynonplussed.
Forthema
mauer
wallisnotanevasion,asforuspeoplewhothinkandconsequentlydonothing;itisnotanexcuseforturningaside,anexcuseforwhichwearealwaysveryglad,thoughwescarcelybelieveinitourselves,asa
regel
rule.No,theyarenonplussedinallsincerity.
The
mauer
wallhasforthemsomethingtranquillising,morallysoothing,final—maybeevensomethingmysterious...butofthewalllater.)
Well,suchadirectpersonIregardasthereal
normalen
normalman,ashistendermothernatur
naturewishedtoseehimwhenshegraciouslybroughthimintobeingontheearth.IenvysuchamantillIam
grün
greenintheface.Heisstupid.
Iamnotdisputingthat,butperhapsthenormalmanshouldbestupid,howdoyouknow?
Perhapsitisverybeautiful,infact.
AndIamthemorepersuadedofthatsuspicion,ifonecancallitso,bythefactthatifyoutake,forinstance,theantithesisofthe
normalen
normalman,thatis,themanofacuteconsciousness,whohascome,ofcourse,notoutofthelapofnatur
naturebutoutofaretort(thisisalmostmysticism,gentlemen,butIsuspectthis,too),thisretort-mademanissometimessononplussedinthepresenceofhisantithesisthatwithallhisexaggeratedconsciousnesshegenuinelythinksofhimselfasamouseandnotaman.Itmaybeanacutelyconsciousmouse,yetitisamouse,whiletheotherisaman,andtherefore,etcaetera,etcaetera.
Andthe
schlimmste
worstofitis,hehimself,hisveryownself,looksonhimselfasamouse;nooneaskshimtodoso;
andthatisanimportantpoint.
Nowletuslookatthismousein
aktion
action.Letussuppose,forinstance,thatitfeelsinsulted,too(anditalmostalwaysdoesfeelinsulted),andwantstorevengeitself,too.
Theremayevenbeagreateraccumulationofspiteinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.
Thebaseandnastydesiretoventthatspiteonitsassailantranklesperhapsevenmorenastilyinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.
Forthroughhisinnatestupiditythelatterlooksuponhisrevengeasjusticepureandsimple;
whileinconsequenceofhisacuteconsciousnessthemousedoesnotbelieveinthejusticeofit.
Tocomeatlasttothedeeditself,totheveryactofrevenge.
Apartfromtheonefundamentalnastinessthelucklessmousesucceedsincreatingarounditsomanyothernastinessesinthe
form
formofdoubtsandquestions,addstotheonequestionsomanyunsettledquestionsthatthereinevitablyworksuparounditasortoffatalbrew,astinkingdurcheinander
mess,madeupofitsdoubts,emotions,andofthecontemptspatuponitbythedirectmenofactionwhostandsolemnlyaboutitasjudgesandarbitrators,laughingatittilltheirhealthysidesache.Ofcoursetheonlythingleftforitistodismissallthatwithawaveofitspaw,and,witha
lächeln
smileofassumedcontemptinwhichitdoesnotevenitselfbelieve,creepignominiouslyintoitsmouse-hole.Thereinitsnasty,stinking,undergroundhomeourinsulted,crushedandridiculedmousepromptlybecomesabsorbedincold,malignantand,aboveall,everlastingspite.
Forfortyyearstogetheritwillrememberitsinjurydowntothesmallest,mostignominiousdetails,andeverytimewilladd,ofitself,detailsstillmoreignominious,spitefullyteasingandtormentingitselfwithitsownimagination.
Itwillitselfbeashamedofitsimaginings,butyetitwillrecallitall,itwillgooverandovereverydetail,itwillinventunheardofthingsagainstitself,pretendingthatthosethingsmighthappen,andwill
verzeihen
forgivenothing.Maybeitwillbegintorevengeitself,too,but,asitwere,piecemeal,intrivialways,frombehindthestove,incognito,withoutbelievingeitherinitsownrighttovengeance,orinthesuccessofitsrevenge,knowingthatfromallitseffortsatrevengeitwillsufferahundredtimesmorethanheonwhomitrevengesitself,whilehe,Idaresay,willnotevenscratchhimself.
Onitsdeathbeditwillrecallitalloveragain,with
zinsen
interestaccumulatedoveralltheyearsand...Butitisjustinthatcold,abominablehalfdespair,halfbelief,inthatconsciousburyingoneselfaliveforgriefintheunderworldforfortyyears,inthatacutelyrecognisedandyetpartlydoubtfulhopelessnessofone’s
position
position,inthathellofunsatisfieddesiresturnedinward,inthatfeverofoscillations,ofresolutionsdeterminedforeverandrepentedofagainaminutelater—thatthesavourofthatstrangeenjoymentofwhichIhavespokenliegt
lies.Itissosubtle,sodifficultofanalysis,thatpersonswhoarealittlelimited,oreven
einfach
simplypersonsofstrongnerves,willnotunderstandasingleatomofit.“Possibly,”youwilladdonyourownaccountwithagrin,“peoplewillnotunderstanditeitherwhohaveneverreceivedaslapintheface,”andinthatwayyouwillpolitelyhinttomethatI,too,perhaps,havehadthe
erfahrung
experienceofaslapinthefaceinmylife,andsoIspeakasonewhoknows.I
wette
betthatyouarethinkingthat.Butsetyourmindsatrest,gentlemen,Ihavenotreceivedaslapintheface,thoughitisabsolutelyamatterofindifferencetomewhatyoumaythinkaboutit.
Possibly,Ievenregret,myself,thatIhavegivensofewslapsinthefaceduringmylife.
Butenough...
notanotherwordonthatsubjectofsuchextremeinteresttoyou.
Iwill
weitermachen
continuecalmlyconcerningpersonswithstrongnerveswhodonotunderstandacertainrefinementofenjoyment.Thoughincertaincircumstancesthesegentlemenbellowtheirloudestlikebulls,thoughthis,letus
annehmen
suppose,doesthemthegreatestcredit,yet,asIhavesaidalready,confrontedwiththeimpossibletheysubsideatonce.Theimpossiblemeansthestonewall!
Whatstonewall?
Why,ofcourse,thelawsof
natur
nature,thedeductionsofnaturalscience,mathematics.