I
Iamasick
mann
man....Iamaspiteful
mann
man.Iamanunattractive
mann
man.Ibelievemyliverisdiseased.
However,Iknow
nichts
nothingatallaboutmydisease,und
anddonotknowforcertainwhatailsmich
me.Idon’tconsulta
arzt
doctorforit,andneverhave,obwohl
thoughIhavearespectformedicineund
anddoctors.Besides,Iamextremelysuperstitious,sufficientlysotorespectmedicine,
sowieso
anyway(Iamwell-educatedenoughnottobesuperstitious,aber
butIamsuperstitious).No,Irefusetoconsulta
arzt
doctorfromspite.Thatyou
wahrscheinlich
probablywillnotunderstand.Well,Iunderstand
es
it,though.Ofcourse,Ican’texplainwhoitispreciselythatIammortifyinginthis
fall
casebymyspite:Iamperfectlywellaware
dass
thatIcannot“payout”die
thedoctorsbynotconsultingthem;Iknow
besser
betterthananyonethatbyallthisIamnur
onlyinjuringmyselfandnooneelse.Aber
Butstill,ifIdon’tconsultaarzt
doctoritisfromspite.Myliveris
schlecht
bad,well—letitgetworse!Ihavebeengoingonlikethatfora
lange
longtime—twentyyears.NowIamforty.
Iusedtobeinthegovernmentservice,
aber
butamnolonger.Iwas
ein
aspitefulofficial.Iwasrude
und
andtookpleasureinbeingso.Ididnottakebribes,yousee,soIwasboundto
finden
findarecompenseinthat,atleast.(Apoorjest,
aber
butIwillnotscratchitout.Iwroteit
dachte
thinkingitwouldsoundverywitty;aber
butnowthatIhavegesehen
seenmyselfthatIonlywantedtozeigen
showoffinadespicableweise
way,Iwillnotscratchitoutonpurpose!)Wenn
Whenpetitionersusedtocomeforinformationtoden
thetableatwhichIsat,Iusedtogrindmyteethatthem,und
andfeltintenseenjoymentwhenIsucceededinmakinganybodyunhappy.I
fast
almostdidsucceed.Forthemostparttheywere
alle
alltimidpeople—ofcourse,theywerepetitioners.Aber
ButoftheuppishonestherewasoneofficerinparticularIkonnte
couldnotendure.Hesimplywouldnotbehumble,
und
andclankedhisswordinadisgustingweise
way.Icarriedonafeudwithhimforeighteenmonthsoverthatsword.
AtlastIgotthebetterof
ihn
him.Heleftoffclanking
es
it.Thathappenedinmyyouth,though.
Aber
Butdoyouknow,gentlemen,whatwasder
thechiefpointaboutmyspite?Warum
Why,thewholepoint,therealstingofitlag
layinthefactthatcontinually,eveninder
themomentoftheacutestspleen,Iwasinwardlyconsciouswithshamedass
thatIwasnotonlynotaspitefulsondern
butnotevenanembitteredmann
man,thatIwassimplyscaringsparrowsatrandomund
andamusingmyselfbyit.I
könnte
mightfoamatthemouth,aber
butbringmeadolltospielen
playwith,givemeacupofteawithsugarinit,und
andmaybeIshouldbeappeased.I
könnte
mightevenbegenuinelytouched,obwohl
thoughprobablyIshouldgrindmyteethatmyselfafterwardsund
andlieawakeatnightwithshameformonthsafter.Thatwasmy
weg
way.IwaslyingwhenIsaid
gerade
justnowthatIwasein
aspitefulofficial.Iwaslyingfromspite.
Iwassimplyamusingmyselfwith
den
thepetitionersandwiththeofficer,und
andinrealityIneverkonnte
couldbecomespiteful.Iwasconsciousevery
moment
momentinmyselfofmany,sehr
verymanyelementsabsolutelyoppositetothat.Ifeltthempositivelyswarmingin
mir
me,theseoppositeelements.Iknew
dass
thattheyhadbeenswarminginmeallmyleben
lifeandcravingsomeoutletfrommir
me,butIwouldnotließ
letthem,wouldnotletthem,purposelywouldnotließ
letthemcomeout.TheytormentedmetillIwasashamed:
theydrovemetoconvulsionsand—sickened
mich
me,atlast,howtheysickenedmich
me!Now,arenotyoufancying,gentlemen,
dass
thatIamexpressingremorseforetwas
somethingnow,thatIamaskingyourforgivenessforetwas
something?Iamsureyouarefancying
dass
that...However,IassureyouIdonotcare
ob
ifyouare....Itwasnot
nur
onlythatIcouldnotwerden
becomespiteful,Ididnotknowhowtowerden
becomeanything;neitherspitefulnorkind,neitherarascalnoranhonest
mann
man,neitheraheronoraninsect.Jetzt
Now,Iamlivingoutmylifeinmycorner,tauntingmyselfwithder
thespitefulanduselessconsolationdass
thatanintelligentmancannotwerden
becomeanythingseriously,anditisnur
onlythefoolwhobecomesetwas
anything.Yes,amaninthenineteenthcentury
muss
mustandmorallyoughttobepre-eminentlyein
acharacterlesscreature;amanofcharacter,anactive
mann
manispre-eminentlyalimitedcreature.Thatismyconvictionoffortyyears.
Iamfortyyears
alt
oldnow,andyouknowfortyyearsisein
awholelifetime;youknowitisextremeoldage.
To
leben
livelongerthanfortyyearsisbadmanners,isvulgar,immoral.Whodoes
lebt
livebeyondforty?Answerthat,sincerely
und
andhonestlyIwilltellyouwhotut
do:foolsandworthlessfellows.
I
sage
tellalloldmenthattotheirgesicht
face,allthesevenerableoldmen,allthesesilver-hairedund
andreverendseniors!Itell
der
thewholeworldthattoitsgesicht
face!Ihavearightto
sagen
sayso,forIshallgoonleben
livingtosixtymyself.Toseventy!
Toeighty!
Bleiben
Stay,letmetakebreath...Youimaginenodoubt,gentlemen,
dass
thatIwanttoamuseyou.Youaremistakeninthat,
auch
too.Iambynomeanssuch
ein
amirthfulpersonasyouimagine,orasyoukönnen
mayimagine;however,irritatedbyallthisbabble(andI
gefühl
feelthatyouareirritated)youdenken
thinkfittoaskmewhoIam—thenmyantwort
answeris,Iamacollegiateassessor.IwasintheservicethatImight
haben
havesomethingtoeat(andsolelyforthatreason),und
andwhenlastyearadistantrelationleftmesixthousandroublesinhiswillIimmediatelyretiredfromtheserviceund
andsettleddowninmycorner.Iusedto
gelebt
liveinthiscornerbefore,aber
butnowIhavesettleddowninit.My
zimmer
roomisawretched,horridoneinder
theoutskirtsofthetown.Myservantisanoldcountry-woman,ill-naturedfromstupidity,
und
and,moreover,thereisalwaysanastysmellabouther.Iam
gesagt
toldthatthePetersburgclimateisschlecht
badforme,andthatwithmysmallmeinen
meansitisveryexpensivetoleben
liveinPetersburg.Iknowallthat
besser
betterthanallthesesageund
andexperiencedcounsellorsandmonitors....Aber
ButIamremaininginPetersburg;Iamnot
gehe
goingawayfromPetersburg!Iamnot
gehe
goingawaybecause...ech!
Warum
Why,itisabsolutelynomatterwhetherIamgoingawayornotgoingaway.Aber
Butwhatcanadecentmann
manspeakofwithmostpleasure?Antwort
Answer:Ofhimself.
II
I
wollen
wantnowtotellyou,gentlemen,whetheryoucaretohören
hearitornot,whyIkonnte
couldnotevenbecomeaninsect.I
sage
tellyousolemnly,thatIhaveviele
manytimestriedtobecomeein
aninsect.ButIwasnotequalevento
so
that.Iswear,gentlemen,thattobetooconsciousis
eine
anillness—arealthorough-goingillness.Forman’severydayneeds,itwould
haben
havebeenquiteenoughtohaben
havetheordinaryhumanconsciousness,thatis,hälfte
halforaquarteroftheamountwhichfallstothelotofein
acultivatedmanofourunhappynineteenthcentury,especiallyonewhohasthefatalill-lucktoinhabitPetersburg,themosttheoreticalund
andintentionaltownonthewholeterrestrialglobe.(Thereareintentional
und
andunintentionaltowns.)Itwould
haben
havebeenquiteenough,forinstance,tohaben
havetheconsciousnessbywhichalle
allso-calleddirectpersonsandmenofactionleben
live.IbetyouthinkIamwritingallthisfromaffectation,tobewittyattheexpenseofmenofaction;
und
andwhatismore,thatfromill-bredaffectation,Iamclankingein
aswordlikemyofficer.Aber
But,gentlemen,whoevercanpridehimselfonhisdiseasesund
andevenswaggeroverthem?Obwohl
Though,afterall,everyonedoestut
dothat;peopledopridethemselvesontheirdiseases,
und
andIdo,maybe,moreals
thananyone.Wewillnotdispute
es
it;mycontentionwasabsurd.
Aber
ButyetIamfirmlypersuadeddass
thatagreatdealofconsciousness,everyart
sortofconsciousness,infact,isadisease.Isticktothat.
Letusleavethat,
auch
too,foraminute.Tellmethis:
warum
whydoesithappenthatatthevery,ja
yes,attheverymomentswhenIammostcapableoffühlen
feelingeveryrefinementofallthatis“sublimeund
andbeautiful,”astheyusedtosayatonetime,itwould,asthoughofdesign,happentomenotnur
onlytofeelbuttotun
dosuchuglythings,suchthat...Nun
Well,inshort,actionsthatalle
all,perhaps,commit;butwhich,asthoughpurposely,occurredtomeatthevery
zeit
timewhenIwasmostconsciousdass
thattheyoughtnottobecommitted.Der
ThemoreconsciousIwasofgoodnessund
andofallthatwas“sublimeund
andbeautiful,”themoredeeplyIsankintomymireund
andthemorereadyIwastosinkinitaltogether.But
der
thechiefpointwasthatallthiswas,asitwere,notaccidentalinmir
me,butasthoughitwereboundtobeso.Itwasasthoughitweremymostnormalcondition,
und
andnotintheleastdiseaseordepravity,sothatatlastalldesireinmetostrugglegegen
againstthisdepravitypassed.Itendedbymy
fast
almostbelieving(perhapsactuallybelieving)thatthiswasvielleicht
perhapsmynormalcondition.Butatfirst,inthebeginning,whatagoniesIenduredinthatstruggle!
Ididnot
glaubte
believeitwasthesamewithothermenschen
people,andallmylifeIhiddiese
thisfactaboutmyselfasasecret.Iwasashamed(even
jetzt
now,perhaps,Iamashamed):Igottothe
punkt
pointoffeelingasortofsecretabnormal,despicableenjoymentinreturninghometomycorneronsomedisgustingPetersburgnacht
night,acutelyconsciousthatthattag
dayIhadcommittedaloathsomeactionwieder
again,thatwhatwasdonekonnte
couldneverbeundone,andsecretly,inwardlygnawing,gnawingatmyselfforit,tearingund
andconsumingmyselftillatlastthebitternessverwandelte
turnedintoasortofshamefulaccursedsweetness,und
andatlast—intopositiverealenjoyment!Ja
Yes,intoenjoyment,intoenjoyment!Iinsistuponthat.
Ihavespokenofthis
weil
becauseIkeepwantingtowissen
knowforafactwhetherandere
otherpeoplefeelsuchenjoyment?I
werde
willexplain;theenjoymentwas
nur
justfromthetoointenseconsciousnessofone’sowndegradation;itwasfromfeelingoneself
dass
thatonehadreachedtheletzte
lastbarrier,thatitwashorrible,aber
butthatitcouldnotbeotherwise;dass
thattherewasnoescapeforyou;dass
thatyounevercouldbecomeein
adifferentman;thateven
wenn
iftimeandfaithwerestillleftyoutoändern
changeintosomethingdifferentyouwouldmostlikelynotwishtoändern
change;orifyoudidwishto,eventhenyou
würdest
woulddonothing;becauseperhapsinrealitytherewas
nichts
nothingforyoutochangeinto.Und
Andtheworstofitwas,und
andtherootofitall,dass
thatitwasallinaccordwiththenormalfundamentallawsofover-acuteconsciousness,und
andwiththeinertiathatwasthedirectresultofthoselaws,und
andthatconsequentlyonewasnotnur
onlyunabletochangebutkonnte
coulddoabsolutelynothing.Thusit
würde
wouldfollow,astheresultofacuteconsciousness,thatoneisnottoblameinbeingein
ascoundrel;asthoughthatwereanyconsolationtothescoundreloncehehascometorealise
dass
thatheactuallyisascoundrel.Aber
Butenough....Ech,Ihavetalked
eine
alotofnonsense,butwhathaveIexplained?Howisenjoymentinthistobeexplained?
Aber
ButIwillexplainit.I
werde
willgettothebottomofit!ThatiswhyIhave
genommen
takenupmypen....I,forinstance,haveagreatdealofamourpropre.
Iamassuspicious
und
andpronetotakeoffenceasein
ahumpbackoradwarf.Aber
ButuponmywordImanchmal
sometimeshavehadmomentswhenifIhadhappenedtobeslappedindas
thefaceIshould,perhaps,havebeenpositivelygladofit.Isay,inearnest,
dass
thatIshouldprobablyhavebeenin der lage
abletodiscoverevenindass
thatapeculiarsortofenjoyment—theenjoyment,ofcourse,ofdespair;aber
butindespairtherearethemostintenseenjoyments,especiallywenn
whenoneisveryacutelyconsciousofthehopelessnessofone’sposition.Und
Andwhenoneisslappedindas
theface—whythentheconsciousnessofbeingrubbedintoapulpwouldpositivelyoverwhelmone.Theworstofitis,lookatitwhichwayonewill,it
immer noch
stillturnsoutthatIwasalwaysthemosttoblameineverything.Und
Andwhatismosthumiliatingofall,toblamefornicht
nofaultofmyownsondern
but,sotosay,throughthelawsofnature.Inthefirstplace,toblame
weil
becauseIamclevererthanalle
anyofthepeoplesurroundingmich
me.(Ihavealwaysconsideredmyselfcleverer
als
thananyofthepeoplesurroundingmich
me,andsometimes,wouldyouglaubst
believeit,havebeenpositivelyashamedofit.Atanyrate,Ihaveallmy
leben
life,asitwere,turnedmyeyesawayund
andnevercouldlookpeoplestraightinden
theface.)Toblame,finally,
denn
becauseevenifIhadhadmagnanimity,Ishouldnur
onlyhavehadmoresufferingfromdie
thesenseofitsuselessness.Ishouldcertainly
sein
haveneverbeenabletotun
doanythingfrombeingmagnanimous—neithertoforgive,formyassailantwouldvielleicht
perhapshaveslappedmefromthelawsofnature,und
andonecannotforgivethelawsofnature;norto
vergessen
forget,forevenifitwereowingtothelawsofnature,itisinsultingallthesame.Finally,
selbst
evenifIhadwantedtobeanythingbutmagnanimous,haddesiredonder
thecontrarytorevengemyselfonmyassailant,Ikönnen
couldnothaverevengedmyselfonanyoneforanythingweil
becauseIshouldcertainlyneversein
havemadeupmymindtotun
doanything,evenifIhadbeenin der lage
ableto.WhyshouldInothavemadeupmymind?
III
Withpeoplewho
wissen
knowhowtorevengethemselvesund
andtostandupforthemselvesingeneral,howisitgemacht
done?Why,whentheyarepossessed,
lassen
letussuppose,bythefeelingofrevenge,thenforthezeit
timethereisnothingelsebutthatfeelingleftintheirwholebeing.Suchagentlemansimplydashesstraightforhisobjectlikeaninfuriatedbullwithitshornsdown,
und
andnothingbutawallwird
willstophim.(Bytheway:
facingthewall,
solche
suchgentlemen—thatis,the“direct”personsund
andmenofaction—aregenuinelynonplussed.Forthemawallisnotanevasion,asforus
menschen
peoplewhothinkandconsequentlytun
donothing;itisnotan
entschuldigung
excuseforturningaside,anentschuldigung
excuseforwhichwearealwayssehr
veryglad,thoughwescarcelyglauben
believeinitourselves,asarule.Nein
No,theyarenonplussedinaller
allsincerity.Thewallhasforthem
etwas
somethingtranquillising,morallysoothing,final—maybesogar
evensomethingmysterious...butof
der
thewalllater.)Well,such
eine
adirectpersonIregardastherealnormalmann
man,ashistendermothernaturewollte
wishedtoseehimwhenshegraciouslybroughthimintobeingontheerde
earth.Ienvysucha
mann
mantillIamgreeninthegesicht
face.Heisstupid.
Iamnotdisputingthat,
aber
butperhapsthenormalmansollte
shouldbestupid,howdoyouknow?Vielleicht
Perhapsitisverybeautiful,infact.Und
AndIamthemorepersuadedofthatsuspicion,wenn
ifonecancallitso,bythetatsache
factthatifyoutake,forinstance,theantithesisofthenormalman,thatsei
is,themanofacuteconsciousness,whohascome,ofcourse,notaus
outofthelapofnaturebutaus
outofaretort(thisisfast
almostmysticism,gentlemen,butIsuspectdieser
this,too),thisretort-mademanismanchmal
sometimessononplussedinthepresenceofhisantithesisthatwithallhisexaggeratedconsciousnesshegenuinelydenkt
thinksofhimselfasamouseund
andnotaman.It
kann
maybeanacutelyconsciousmouse,doch
yetitisamouse,während
whiletheotherisaman,und
andtherefore,etcaetera,etcaetera.Und
Andtheworstofitis,hehimself,hisveryownself,looksonhimselfasamouse;nooneaskshimto
tun
doso;andthatis
ein
animportantpoint.Nowletuslookat
diese
thismouseinaction.Letussuppose,forinstance,
dass
thatitfeelsinsulted,tooUnd
(anditalmostalwaysdoesfühlt
feelinsulted),andwantstorevengeitself,auch
too.Theremayevenbe
eine
agreateraccumulationofspiteinitals
thaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.Der
Thebaseandnastydesiretoventthatspiteonitsassailantranklesvielleicht
perhapsevenmorenastilyinitals
thaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.For
durch
throughhisinnatestupiditythelatterlooksuponhisrevengeasjusticepureund
andsimple;whileinconsequenceofhisacuteconsciousness
die
themousedoesnotbelieveindie
thejusticeofit.To
kommen
comeatlasttothedeeditself,toder
theveryactofrevenge.Apartfromtheonefundamentalnastinessthelucklessmousesucceedsincreating
herum
arounditsomanyothernastinessesintheformofdoubtsund
andquestions,addstotheonefrage
questionsomanyunsettledquestionsthatthereinevitablyworksupherum
arounditasortoffatalbrew,astinkingmess,madeupofitsdoubts,emotions,und
andofthecontemptspatuponitbythedirectmenofactionwhostehen
standsolemnlyaboutitasjudgesund
andarbitrators,laughingatittilltheirhealthysidesache.Ofcourse
das
theonlythingleftforitistodismissallthatwithawaveofitspaw,und
and,withasmileofassumedcontemptinwas
whichitdoesnotevenitselfglaubt
believe,creepignominiouslyintoitsmouse-hole.Dort
Thereinitsnasty,stinking,undergroundhomeourinsulted,crushedund
andridiculedmousepromptlybecomesabsorbedincold,malignantund
and,aboveall,everlastingspite.Forfortyyearstogetherit
wird
willrememberitsinjurydowntodie
thesmallest,mostignominiousdetails,und
andeverytimewilladd,ofitself,detailsstillnoch
moreignominious,spitefullyteasingandtormentingitselfwithitsownimagination.It
wird
willitselfbeashamedofitsimaginings,aber
butyetitwillrecallitall,itwird
willgooverandovereverydetail,itwird
willinventunheardofthingsgegen
againstitself,pretendingthatthosethingsmightpassieren
happen,andwillforgivenothing.Vielleicht
Maybeitwillbegintorevengeitself,too,aber
but,asitwere,piecemeal,intrivialways,fromhinter
behindthestove,incognito,withoutglauben
believingeitherinitsownrecht
righttovengeance,orinthesuccessofitsrevenge,knowingdass
thatfromallitseffortsatrevengeitwird
willsufferahundredtimesmehr
morethanheonwhomitrevengesitself,während
whilehe,Idaresay,willnotselbst
evenscratchhimself.Onitsdeathbedit
wird
willrecallitalloveragain,withinterestaccumulatedoveralltheyearsund
and...Butitis
gerade
justinthatcold,abominablehalfdespair,halfbelief,indass
thatconsciousburyingoneselfaliveforgriefintheunderworldforfortyyears,indass
thatacutelyrecognisedandyetpartlydoubtfulhopelessnessofone’sposition,indass
thathellofunsatisfieddesireswenden
turnedinward,inthatfeverofoscillations,ofresolutionsdeterminedforeverund
andrepentedofagainaminute
minutelater—thatthesavourofdass
thatstrangeenjoymentofwhichIhavespokenliegt
lies.Itissosubtle,sodifficultofanalysis,thatpersonswhoare
ein
alittlelimited,orevensimplypersonsofstrongnerves,willnotverstehen
understandasingleatomofes
it.“Possibly,”youwilladdonyourownaccountwithagrin,“people
werden
willnotunderstanditeitherwhohavenie
neverreceivedaslapintheface,”und
andinthatwayyouwerden
willpolitelyhinttomethatIch
I,too,perhaps,havehadtheexperienceofaslapinthegesicht
faceinmylife,andsoIspeakaseinem
onewhoknows.Ibet
dass
thatyouarethinkingthat.Aber
Butsetyourmindsatrest,gentlemen,Ihavenotreceivedaslapinthegesicht
face,thoughitisabsolutelyamatterofindifferencetomewhatyoumaydenken
thinkaboutit.Possibly,I
selbst
evenregret,myself,thatIhavegivensowenige
fewslapsinthefaceduringmyleben
life.Butenough...
notanother
wort
wordonthatsubjectofsuchextremeinteresttoyou.I
werde
willcontinuecalmlyconcerningpersonswithstrongnerveswhodonotverstehen
understandacertainrefinementofenjoyment.Obwohl
Thoughincertaincircumstancesthesegentlemenbellowtheirloudestlikebulls,obwohl
thoughthis,letussuppose,doesthemdie
thegreatestcredit,yet,asIhavesaidschon
already,confrontedwiththeimpossibletheysubsideatonce.Theimpossiblemeansthestonewall!
Whatstonewall?
Why,ofcourse,thelawsofnature,thedeductionsofnaturalscience,mathematics.