I
Iamasickman....
Iamaspitefulman.
Iamanunattractiveman.
Ibelievemyliverisdiseased.
However,Iknownothingatallaboutmy
maladie
disease,anddonotknowforcertainwhatailsme.Idon’tconsultadoctorforit,andneverhave,thoughIhavearespectfor
médecine
medicineanddoctors.Besides,Iam
extrêmement
extremelysuperstitious,sufficientlysotorespectmédecine
medicine,anyway(Iamwell-educatedenoughnottobesuperstitious,butIamsuperstitious).No,I
refuse
refusetoconsultadoctorfromspite.Thatyouprobablywillnotunderstand.
Well,Iunderstandit,though.
Ofcourse,Ican’texplainwhoitispreciselythatIammortifyinginthiscasebymyspite:
Iam
parfaitement
perfectlywellawarethatIcannot“payout”thedoctorsbynotconsultingthem;IknowbetterthananyonethatbyallthisIamonlyinjuringmyselfandnooneelse.
Butstill,ifIdon’tconsultadoctoritisfromspite.
Myliverisbad,well—letitgetworse!
Ihavebeengoingonlikethatforalongtime—twentyyears.
NowIamforty.
Iusedtobeinthegovernmentservice,butamnolonger.
Iwasaspiteful
fonctionnaire
official.Iwasrudeandtookpleasureinbeingso.
Ididnottakebribes,yousee,soIwasboundtofindarecompenseinthat,atleast.
(Apoorjest,butIwillnotscratchitout.
Iwroteitthinkingitwouldsoundverywitty;
butnowthatIhaveseenmyselfthatIonlywantedtoshowoffinadespicableway,Iwillnot
gratterai
scratchitoutonpurpose!)WhenpetitionersusedtocomeforinformationtothetableatwhichIsat,Iusedtogrindmyteethatthem,andfeltintenseenjoymentwhenIsucceededinmakinganybody
malheureux
unhappy.Ialmostdidsucceed.
Forthemostparttheywerealltimidpeople—ofcourse,theywerepetitioners.
Butoftheuppishonestherewasoneofficerin
particulier
particularIcouldnotendure.Hesimplywouldnotbehumble,andclankedhis
épée
swordinadisgustingway.Icarriedonafeudwithhimforeighteenmonthsoverthat
épée
sword.AtlastIgotthebetterofhim.
Heleftoffclankingit.
Thathappenedinmy
jeunesse
youth,though.Butdoyouknow,gentlemen,whatwasthechiefpointaboutmyspite?
Why,thewholepoint,therealstingofitlayinthefactthatcontinually,eveninthemomentoftheacutestspleen,IwasinwardlyconsciouswithshamethatIwasnotonlynotaspitefulbutnotevenanembitteredman,thatIwassimplyscaringsparrowsatrandomandamusingmyselfbyit.
Imightfoamatthemouth,butbringmea
poupée
dolltoplaywith,givemeacupofteawithsucre
sugarinit,andmaybeIshouldbeappeased.Imightevenbegenuinelytouched,thoughprobablyIshouldgrindmyteethatmyselfafterwardsandlie
éveillé
awakeatnightwithshameformonthsafter.Thatwasmyway.
IwaslyingwhenIsaidjustnowthatIwasaspiteful
fonctionnaire
official.Iwaslyingfromspite.
Iwassimplyamusingmyselfwiththepetitionersandwiththeofficer,andinrealityInevercouldbecomespiteful.
Iwasconsciouseverymomentinmyselfofmany,verymanyelementsabsolutelyoppositetothat.
Ifeltthempositivelyswarminginme,theseoppositeelements.
Iknewthattheyhadbeenswarminginmeallmylifeandcravingsomeoutletfromme,butIwouldnotletthem,wouldnotletthem,purposelywouldnotletthemcomeout.
TheytormentedmetillIwas
honte
ashamed:theydrovemetoconvulsionsand—sickenedme,atlast,howtheysickenedme!
Now,arenotyoufancying,gentlemen,thatIamexpressingremorseforsomethingnow,thatIamaskingyourforgivenessforsomething?
Iamsureyouarefancyingthat...
However,IassureyouIdonotcareifyouare....
ItwasnotonlythatIcouldnotbecomespiteful,Ididnotknowhowtobecomeanything;
neitherspitefulnorkind,neitherarascalnoranhonestman,neitheraheronoraninsect.
Now,Iamlivingoutmylifeinmy
coin
corner,tauntingmyselfwiththespitefulandinutile
uselessconsolationthatanintelligentmancannotbecomeanythingseriously,anditisonlythefoolwhobecomesanything.Yes,amaninthenineteenth
siècle
centurymustandmorallyoughttobepre-eminentlyacharacterlesscréature
creature;amanofcharacter,anactivemanispre-eminentlyalimited
créature
creature.Thatismyconvictionoffortyyears.
Iamfortyyearsoldnow,andyouknowfortyyearsisawhole
vie
lifetime;youknowitisextremeoldage.
Tolivelongerthanfortyyearsisbadmanners,isvulgar,immoral.
Whodoeslivebeyondforty?
Answerthat,sincerelyand
honnêtement
honestlyIwilltellyouwhodo:foolsandworthlessfellows.
Itellalloldmenthattotheirface,allthesevenerableoldmen,allthesesilver-hairedandreverendseniors!
Itellthewholeworldthattoitsface!
Ihavearighttosayso,forIshallgoonlivingtosixtymyself.
Toseventy!
Toeighty!
Stay,letmetakebreath...
Youimaginenodoubt,gentlemen,thatIwanttoamuseyou.
Youaremistakeninthat,too.
Iambynomeanssuchamirthfulpersonasyouimagine,orasyoumayimagine;
however,irritatedbyallthisbabble(andIfeelthatyouareirritated)youthinkfittoaskmewhoIam—thenmyansweris,Iamacollegiateassessor.
IwasintheservicethatImighthavesomethingtoeat(andsolelyforthatreason),andwhenlastyearadistantrelationleftmesixthousandroublesinhiswillIimmediatelyretiredfromtheserviceand
installé
settleddowninmycorner.Iusedtoliveinthis
coin
cornerbefore,butnowIhaveinstallé
settleddowninit.Myroomisawretched,horridoneintheoutskirtsofthetown.
Myservantisanoldcountry-woman,ill-naturedfromstupidity,and,moreover,thereisalwaysanastysmellabouther.
IamtoldthatthePetersburgclimateisbadforme,andthatwithmysmallmeansitisvery
cher
expensivetoliveinPetersburg.Iknowallthatbetterthanallthesesageandexperiencedcounsellorsandmonitors....
ButIamremaininginPetersburg;
IamnotgoingawayfromPetersburg!
Iamnotgoingawaybecause...
ech!
Why,itisabsolutelynomatterwhetherIamgoingawayornotgoingaway.
Butwhatcana
décent
decentmanspeakofwithmostpleasure?Answer:
Ofhimself.
II
Iwantnowtotellyou,gentlemen,whetheryoucaretohearitornot,whyIcouldnotevenbecomeaninsect.
Itellyousolemnly,thatIhavemanytimestriedtobecomeaninsect.
ButIwasnotequaleventothat.
Iswear,gentlemen,thattobetooconsciousisanillness—arealthorough-goingillness.
Forman’severydayneeds,itwouldhavebeenquiteenoughtohavetheordinaryhumanconsciousness,thatis,halfora
quart
quarteroftheamountwhichfallstothelotofacultivatedmanofourmalheureux
unhappynineteenthcentury,especiallyonewhohasthefatalill-lucktoinhabitPetersburg,themosttheoreticalandintentionaltownonthewholeterrestrialglobe.(Thereareintentionalandunintentionaltowns.)
Itwouldhavebeenquiteenough,forinstance,tohavetheconsciousnessbywhichallso-calleddirectpersonsandmenofactionlive.
IbetyouthinkIamwritingallthisfromaffectation,tobewittyattheexpenseofmenofaction;
andwhatismore,thatfromill-bredaffectation,Iamclankinga
épée
swordlikemyofficer.But,gentlemen,whoevercanpridehimselfonhisdiseasesandevenswaggeroverthem?
Though,afterall,everyonedoesdothat;
peopledopridethemselvesontheirdiseases,andIdo,maybe,morethananyone.
Wewillnotdisputeit;
mycontentionwasabsurd.
ButyetIamfirmlypersuadedthatagreatdealofconsciousness,everysortofconsciousness,infact,isa
maladie
disease.Isticktothat.
Letusleavethat,too,foraminute.
Tellmethis:
whydoesithappenthatatthevery,yes,attheverymomentswhenIammost
capable
capableoffeelingeveryrefinementofallthatis“sublimeandbeautiful,”astheyusedtosayatonetime,itwould,asthoughofdesign,happentomenotonlytofeelbuttodosuchuglythings,suchthat...Well,inshort,actionsthatall,perhaps,
commettent
commit;butwhich,asthoughpurposely,occurredtomeattheverytimewhenIwasmostconsciousthattheyoughtnottobe
commis
committed.ThemoreconsciousIwasof
bonté
goodnessandofallthatwas“sublimeandbeautiful,”themoreprofondément
deeplyIsankintomymireandthemorereadyIwastosinkinitaltogether.Butthechiefpointwasthatallthiswas,asitwere,notaccidentalinme,butasthoughitwereboundtobeso.
Itwasasthoughitweremymostnormal
état
condition,andnotintheleastmaladie
diseaseordepravity,sothatatlastalldésir
desireinmetostruggleagainstthisdepravitypassed.Itendedbymyalmostbelieving(perhapsactuallybelieving)thatthiswasperhapsmynormal
état
condition.Butatfirst,inthebeginning,whatagoniesIenduredinthat
lutte
struggle!Ididnotbelieveitwasthesamewithotherpeople,andallmylifeIhidthisfactaboutmyselfasasecret.
Iwas
honte
ashamed(evennow,perhaps,Iamhonte
ashamed):Igottothepointoffeelingasortofsecretabnormal,despicableenjoymentinreturninghometomy
coin
corneronsomedisgustingPetersburgnight,acutelyconsciousthatthatdayIhadcommis
committedaloathsomeactionagain,thatwhatwasdonecouldneverbeundone,andsecretly,inwardlygnawing,gnawingatmyselfforit,déchirant
tearingandconsumingmyselftillatlastthebitternessturnedintoasortofshamefulaccursedsweetness,andatlast—intopositiverealenjoyment!Yes,intoenjoyment,intoenjoyment!
Iinsistuponthat.
IhavespokenofthisbecauseIkeepwantingtoknowforafactwhetherotherpeoplefeelsuchenjoyment?
Iwillexplain;
theenjoymentwasjustfromthetoointenseconsciousnessofone’sowndegradation;
itwasfromfeelingoneselfthatonehadreachedthelastbarrier,thatitwas
horrible
horrible,butthatitcouldnotbeotherwise;thattherewasnoescapeforyou;
thatyounevercouldbecomeadifferentman;
thateveniftimeandfaithwerestillleftyoutochangeintosomethingdifferentyouwouldmost
probablement
likelynotwishtochange;orifyoudidwishto,eventhenyouwoulddonothing;
becauseperhapsinrealitytherewasnothingforyoutochangeinto.
Andtheworstofitwas,andtherootofitall,thatitwasallinaccordwiththenormalfundamentallawsofover-acuteconsciousness,andwiththeinertiathatwasthe
direct
directresultofthoselaws,andthatconsequentlyonewasnotonlyunabletochangebutcoulddoabsolutelynothing.Thusitwouldfollow,asthe
résultat
resultofacuteconsciousness,thatoneisnottoblameinbeingascoundrel;asthoughthatwereanyconsolationtothescoundreloncehehascometorealisethatheactuallyisascoundrel.
Butenough....
Ech,Ihavetalkedalotof
bêtises
nonsense,butwhathaveIexplained?Howisenjoymentinthistobeexplained?
ButIwillexplainit.
Iwillgettothe
fond
bottomofit!ThatiswhyIhavetakenupmy
plume
pen....I,forinstance,haveagreatdealofamourpropre.
Iamassuspiciousandpronetotakeoffenceasahumpbackoradwarf.
ButuponmywordIsometimeshavehadmomentswhenifIhadhappenedtobeslappedinthefaceIshould,perhaps,havebeenpositivelygladofit.
Isay,inearnest,thatIshouldprobablyhavebeenabletodiscovereveninthatapeculiarsortofenjoyment—theenjoyment,ofcourse,ofdespair;
butindespairtherearethemostintenseenjoyments,especiallywhenoneisveryacutelyconsciousofthehopelessnessofone’sposition.
Andwhenoneisslappedintheface—whythentheconsciousnessofbeingrubbedintoapulpwouldpositivelyoverwhelmone.
Theworstofitis,lookatitwhichwayonewill,itstillturnsoutthatIwasalwaysthemosttoblameineverything.
Andwhatismosthumiliatingofall,toblamefornofaultofmyownbut,sotosay,throughthelawsofnature.
Inthefirstplace,toblamebecauseIamclevererthananyofthepeoplesurroundingme.
(Ihavealways
considéré
consideredmyselfclevererthananyofthepeoplesurroundingme,andsometimes,wouldyoubelieveit,havebeenpositivelyhonte
ashamedofit.Atanyrate,Ihaveallmylife,asitwere,turnedmyeyesawayandnevercouldlookpeoplestraightintheface.)
Toblame,finally,becauseevenifIhadhadmagnanimity,Ishouldonlyhavehadmoresufferingfromthesenseofitsuselessness.
Ishouldcertainlyhaveneverbeenabletodoanythingfrombeingmagnanimous—neithertoforgive,formyassailantwouldperhapshaveslappedmefromthelawsofnature,andonecannotforgivethelawsofnature;
nortoforget,forevenifitwereowingtothelawsofnature,itisinsultingallthesame.
Finally,evenifIhadwantedtobeanythingbutmagnanimous,haddesiredonthecontraryto
venger
revengemyselfonmyassailant,Icouldnothavevenger
revengedmyselfonanyoneforanythingbecauseIshouldcertainlyneverhavemadeupmymindtodoanything,evenifIhadbeenableto.WhyshouldInothavemadeupmymind?
III
Withpeoplewhoknowhowto
venger
revengethemselvesandtostandupforthemselvesingeneral,howisitdone?Why,whentheyarepossessed,letussuppose,bythefeelingof
vengeance
revenge,thenforthetimethereisnothingelsebutthatfeelingleftintheirwholebeing.Sucha
gentleman
gentlemansimplydashesstraightforhisobjet
objectlikeaninfuriatedbullwithitshornsdown,andnothingbutawallwillstophim.(Bytheway:
facingthewall,suchgentlemen—thatis,the“direct”personsandmenofaction—aregenuinelynonplussed.
Forthemawallisnotanevasion,asforuspeoplewhothinkandconsequentlydonothing;
itisnotanexcuseforturningaside,anexcuseforwhichwearealwaysveryglad,thoughwescarcelybelieveinitourselves,asarule.
No,theyarenonplussedinallsincerity.
Thewallhasforthemsomethingtranquillising,morallysoothing,final—maybeevensomethingmysterious...
butofthewalllater.)
Well,suchadirectpersonIregardastherealnormalman,ashistendermothernaturewishedtoseehimwhenshegraciouslybroughthimintobeingontheearth.
IenvysuchamantillIamgreenintheface.
Heisstupid.
Iamnotdisputingthat,butperhapsthenormalmanshouldbestupid,howdoyouknow?
Perhapsitisverybeautiful,infact.
AndIamthemorepersuadedofthatsuspicion,ifonecancallitso,bythefactthatifyoutake,forinstance,theantithesisofthenormalman,thatis,themanofacuteconsciousness,whohascome,ofcourse,notoutofthelapofnaturebutoutofaretort(thisisalmostmysticism,gentlemen,butI
soupçonne
suspectthis,too),thisretort-mademanissometimessononplussedintheprésence
presenceofhisantithesisthatwithallhisexaggeratedconsciousnesshegenuinelythinksofhimselfasasouris
mouseandnotaman.Itmaybeanacutelyconscious
souris
mouse,yetitisasouris
mouse,whiletheotherisaman,anddonc
therefore,etcaetera,etcaetera.Andtheworstofitis,hehimself,hisveryownself,looksonhimselfasa
souris
mouse;nooneaskshimtodoso;
andthatisanimportantpoint.
Nowletuslookatthis
souris
mouseinaction.Letussuppose,forinstance,thatitfeelsinsulted,too(anditalmostalwaysdoesfeelinsulted),andwantsto
venger
revengeitself,too.Theremayevenbea
plus
greateraccumulationofspiteinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.Thebaseand
méchant
nastydesiretoventthatspiteonitsassailantranklesperhapsevenmorenastilyinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.Forthroughhisinnatestupiditythelatterlooksuponhis
vengeance
revengeasjusticepureandsimple;whileinconsequenceofhisacuteconsciousnessthe
souris
mousedoesnotbelieveinthejustice
justiceofit.Tocomeatlasttothedeeditself,totheveryactof
vengeance
revenge.Apartfromtheonefundamentalnastinesstheluckless
souris
mousesucceedsincreatingarounditsomanyothernastinessesintheformofdoubtsandquestions,ajoute
addstotheonequestionsomanyunsettledquestionsthatthereinevitablyworksuparounditasortoffatalbrew,astinkingmess,madeupofitsdoubts,emotions,andofthecontemptcrachent
spatuponitbythedirectmenofactionwhostandsolemnlyaboutitasjudgesandarbitrators,laughingatittilltheirhealthysidesache.Ofcoursetheonlythingleftforitistodismissallthatwithawaveofitspaw,and,withasmileof
supposé
assumedcontemptinwhichitdoesnotevenitselfbelieve,creepignominiouslyintoitsmouse-hole.Thereinitsnasty,stinking,undergroundhomeourinsulted,crushedandridiculed
souris
mousepromptlybecomesabsorbedincold,malignantand,aboveall,everlastingspite.Forfortyyearstogetheritwillrememberitsinjurydowntothesmallest,mostignominiousdetails,andeverytimewill
ajoutera
add,ofitself,detailsstillmoreignominious,spitefullyteasingandtormentingitselfwithitsownimagination
imagination.Itwillitselfbe
honte
ashamedofitsimaginings,butyetitwillrecallitall,itwillgooverandovereverydetail,itwillinventunheardofthingsagainstitself,prétendant
pretendingthatthosethingsmighthappen,andwillforgivenothing.Maybeitwillbegintorevengeitself,too,but,asitwere,piecemeal,intrivialways,frombehindthestove,incognito,withoutbelievingeitherinitsownrighttovengeance,orinthe
succès
successofitsrevenge,knowingthatfromallitseffortsatrevengeitwillsouffrira
sufferahundredtimesmorethanheonwhomitrevengesitself,whilehe,Idaresay,willnotevengrattera
scratchhimself.Onitsdeathbeditwillrecallitalloveragain,withinterestaccumulatedoveralltheyearsand...
Butitisjustinthatcold,abominablehalfdespair,halfbelief,inthatconsciousburyingoneselfaliveforgriefintheunderworldforfortyyears,inthatacutelyrecognisedandyetpartlydoubtfulhopelessnessofone’sposition,inthathellofunsatisfieddesiresturnedinward,inthat
fièvre
feverofoscillations,ofresolutionsdeterminedforeverandrepentedofagainaminutelater—thatthesavourofthatstrangeenjoymentofwhichIhavespokenlies.Itissosubtle,sodifficultofanalysis,thatpersonswhoarealittlelimited,orevensimplypersonsofstrongnerves,willnotunderstandasingleatomofit.
“Possibly,”youwill
ajouterez
addonyourownaccountwithagrin,“peoplewillnotunderstanditeitherwhohaveneverreçu
receivedaslapintheface,”andinthatwayyouwillpolitelyhinttomethatI,too,perhaps,havehadtheexperienceofaslapinthefaceinmylife,andsoIspeakasonewhoknows.Ibetthatyouarethinkingthat.
Butsetyourmindsatrest,gentlemen,Ihavenot
reçu
receivedaslapintheface,thoughitisabsolutelyamatterofindifferencetomewhatyoumaythinkaboutit.Peut-être
Possibly,Ievenregret,myself,thatIhavegivensofewslapsinthefaceduringmylife.Butenough...
notanotherwordonthat
sujet
subjectofsuchextremeinteresttoyou.Iwillcontinuecalmlyconcerningpersonswithstrongnerveswhodonotunderstandacertainrefinementofenjoyment.
Thoughincertaincircumstancesthesegentlemenbellowtheirloudestlikebulls,thoughthis,letussuppose,doesthemthe
plus
greatestcredit,yet,asIhavesaidalready,confrontedwiththeimpossibletheysubsideatonce.Theimpossiblemeansthe
pierre
stonewall!Whatstonewall?
Why,ofcourse,thelawsofnature,thedeductionsofnaturalscience,mathematics.