Notes from the Underground | Progressive French B1 Translation Books

Notes from the Underground | Progressive French B1 Translation Books

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I
Iamasickman....
Iamaspitefulman.
Iamanunattractiveman.
Ibelievemyliverisdiseased.
However,Iknownothingatallaboutmy
maladie
disease
,anddonotknowforcertainwhatailsme.
Idon’tconsultadoctorforit,andneverhave,thoughIhavearespectfor
médecine
medicine
anddoctors.
Besides,Iam
extrêmement
extremely
superstitious,sufficientlysotorespect
médecine
medicine
,anyway(Iamwell-educatedenoughnottobesuperstitious,butIamsuperstitious).
No,I
refuse
refuse
toconsultadoctorfromspite.
Thatyouprobablywillnotunderstand.
Well,Iunderstandit,though.
Ofcourse,Ican’texplainwhoitispreciselythatIammortifyinginthiscasebymyspite:
Iam
parfaitement
perfectly
wellawarethatIcannot“payout”thedoctorsbynotconsultingthem;
IknowbetterthananyonethatbyallthisIamonlyinjuringmyselfandnooneelse.
Butstill,ifIdon’tconsultadoctoritisfromspite.
Myliverisbad,well—letitgetworse!
Ihavebeengoingonlikethatforalongtime—twentyyears.
NowIamforty.
Iusedtobeinthegovernmentservice,butamnolonger.
Iwasaspiteful
fonctionnaire
official
.
Iwasrudeandtookpleasureinbeingso.
Ididnottakebribes,yousee,soIwasboundtofindarecompenseinthat,atleast.
(Apoorjest,butIwillnotscratchitout.
Iwroteitthinkingitwouldsoundverywitty;
butnowthatIhaveseenmyselfthatIonlywantedtoshowoffinadespicableway,Iwillnot
gratterai
scratch
itoutonpurpose!)
WhenpetitionersusedtocomeforinformationtothetableatwhichIsat,Iusedtogrindmyteethatthem,andfeltintenseenjoymentwhenIsucceededinmakinganybody
malheureux
unhappy
.
Ialmostdidsucceed.
Forthemostparttheywerealltimidpeople—ofcourse,theywerepetitioners.
Butoftheuppishonestherewasoneofficerin
particulier
particular
Icouldnotendure.
Hesimplywouldnotbehumble,andclankedhis
épée
sword
inadisgustingway.
Icarriedonafeudwithhimforeighteenmonthsoverthat
épée
sword
.
AtlastIgotthebetterofhim.
Heleftoffclankingit.
Thathappenedinmy
jeunesse
youth
,though.
Butdoyouknow,gentlemen,whatwasthechiefpointaboutmyspite?
Why,thewholepoint,therealstingofitlayinthefactthatcontinually,eveninthemomentoftheacutestspleen,IwasinwardlyconsciouswithshamethatIwasnotonlynotaspitefulbutnotevenanembitteredman,thatIwassimplyscaringsparrowsatrandomandamusingmyselfbyit.
Imightfoamatthemouth,butbringmea
poupée
doll
toplaywith,givemeacupofteawith
sucre
sugar
init,andmaybeIshouldbeappeased.
Imightevenbegenuinelytouched,thoughprobablyIshouldgrindmyteethatmyselfafterwardsandlie
éveillé
awake
atnightwithshameformonthsafter.
Thatwasmyway.
IwaslyingwhenIsaidjustnowthatIwasaspiteful
fonctionnaire
official
.
Iwaslyingfromspite.
Iwassimplyamusingmyselfwiththepetitionersandwiththeofficer,andinrealityInevercouldbecomespiteful.
Iwasconsciouseverymomentinmyselfofmany,verymanyelementsabsolutelyoppositetothat.
Ifeltthempositivelyswarminginme,theseoppositeelements.
Iknewthattheyhadbeenswarminginmeallmylifeandcravingsomeoutletfromme,butIwouldnotletthem,wouldnotletthem,purposelywouldnotletthemcomeout.
TheytormentedmetillIwas
honte
ashamed
:
theydrovemetoconvulsionsand—sickenedme,atlast,howtheysickenedme!
Now,arenotyoufancying,gentlemen,thatIamexpressingremorseforsomethingnow,thatIamaskingyourforgivenessforsomething?
Iamsureyouarefancyingthat...
However,IassureyouIdonotcareifyouare....
ItwasnotonlythatIcouldnotbecomespiteful,Ididnotknowhowtobecomeanything;
neitherspitefulnorkind,neitherarascalnoranhonestman,neitheraheronoraninsect.
Now,Iamlivingoutmylifeinmy
coin
corner
,tauntingmyselfwiththespitefuland
inutile
useless
consolationthatanintelligentmancannotbecomeanythingseriously,anditisonlythefoolwhobecomesanything.
Yes,amaninthenineteenth
siècle
century
mustandmorallyoughttobepre-eminentlyacharacterless
créature
creature
;
amanofcharacter,anactivemanispre-eminentlyalimited
créature
creature
.
Thatismyconvictionoffortyyears.
Iamfortyyearsoldnow,andyouknowfortyyearsisawhole
vie
lifetime
;
youknowitisextremeoldage.
Tolivelongerthanfortyyearsisbadmanners,isvulgar,immoral.
Whodoeslivebeyondforty?
Answerthat,sincerelyand
honnêtement
honestly
Iwilltellyouwhodo:
foolsandworthlessfellows.
Itellalloldmenthattotheirface,allthesevenerableoldmen,allthesesilver-hairedandreverendseniors!
Itellthewholeworldthattoitsface!
Ihavearighttosayso,forIshallgoonlivingtosixtymyself.
Toseventy!
Toeighty!
Stay,letmetakebreath...
Youimaginenodoubt,gentlemen,thatIwanttoamuseyou.
Youaremistakeninthat,too.
Iambynomeanssuchamirthfulpersonasyouimagine,orasyoumayimagine;
however,irritatedbyallthisbabble(andIfeelthatyouareirritated)youthinkfittoaskmewhoIam—thenmyansweris,Iamacollegiateassessor.
IwasintheservicethatImighthavesomethingtoeat(andsolelyforthatreason),andwhenlastyearadistantrelationleftmesixthousandroublesinhiswillIimmediatelyretiredfromtheserviceand
installé
settled
downinmycorner.
Iusedtoliveinthis
coin
corner
before,butnowIhave
installé
settled
downinit.
Myroomisawretched,horridoneintheoutskirtsofthetown.
Myservantisanoldcountry-woman,ill-naturedfromstupidity,and,moreover,thereisalwaysanastysmellabouther.
IamtoldthatthePetersburgclimateisbadforme,andthatwithmysmallmeansitisvery
cher
expensive
toliveinPetersburg.
Iknowallthatbetterthanallthesesageandexperiencedcounsellorsandmonitors....
ButIamremaininginPetersburg;
IamnotgoingawayfromPetersburg!
Iamnotgoingawaybecause...
ech!
Why,itisabsolutelynomatterwhetherIamgoingawayornotgoingaway.
Butwhatcana
décent
decent
manspeakofwithmostpleasure?
Answer:
Ofhimself.
II
Iwantnowtotellyou,gentlemen,whetheryoucaretohearitornot,whyIcouldnotevenbecomeaninsect.
Itellyousolemnly,thatIhavemanytimestriedtobecomeaninsect.
ButIwasnotequaleventothat.
Iswear,gentlemen,thattobetooconsciousisanillness—arealthorough-goingillness.
Forman’severydayneeds,itwouldhavebeenquiteenoughtohavetheordinaryhumanconsciousness,thatis,halfora
quart
quarter
oftheamountwhichfallstothelotofacultivatedmanofour
malheureux
unhappy
nineteenthcentury,especiallyonewhohasthefatalill-lucktoinhabitPetersburg,themosttheoreticalandintentionaltownonthewholeterrestrialglobe.
(Thereareintentionalandunintentionaltowns.)
Itwouldhavebeenquiteenough,forinstance,tohavetheconsciousnessbywhichallso-calleddirectpersonsandmenofactionlive.
IbetyouthinkIamwritingallthisfromaffectation,tobewittyattheexpenseofmenofaction;
andwhatismore,thatfromill-bredaffectation,Iamclankinga
épée
sword
likemyofficer.
But,gentlemen,whoevercanpridehimselfonhisdiseasesandevenswaggeroverthem?
Though,afterall,everyonedoesdothat;
peopledopridethemselvesontheirdiseases,andIdo,maybe,morethananyone.
Wewillnotdisputeit;
mycontentionwasabsurd.
ButyetIamfirmlypersuadedthatagreatdealofconsciousness,everysortofconsciousness,infact,isa
maladie
disease
.
Isticktothat.
Letusleavethat,too,foraminute.
Tellmethis:
whydoesithappenthatatthevery,yes,attheverymomentswhenIammost
capable
capable
offeelingeveryrefinementofallthatis“sublimeandbeautiful,”astheyusedtosayatonetime,itwould,asthoughofdesign,happentomenotonlytofeelbuttodosuchuglythings,suchthat...
Well,inshort,actionsthatall,perhaps,
commettent
commit
;
butwhich,asthoughpurposely,occurredtomeattheverytimewhenIwasmostconsciousthattheyoughtnottobe
commis
committed
.
ThemoreconsciousIwasof
bonté
goodness
andofallthatwas“sublimeandbeautiful,”themore
profondément
deeply
IsankintomymireandthemorereadyIwastosinkinitaltogether.
Butthechiefpointwasthatallthiswas,asitwere,notaccidentalinme,butasthoughitwereboundtobeso.
Itwasasthoughitweremymostnormal
état
condition
,andnotintheleast
maladie
disease
ordepravity,sothatatlastall
désir
desire
inmetostruggleagainstthisdepravitypassed.
Itendedbymyalmostbelieving(perhapsactuallybelieving)thatthiswasperhapsmynormal
état
condition
.
Butatfirst,inthebeginning,whatagoniesIenduredinthat
lutte
struggle
!
Ididnotbelieveitwasthesamewithotherpeople,andallmylifeIhidthisfactaboutmyselfasasecret.
Iwas
honte
ashamed
(evennow,perhaps,Iam
honte
ashamed)
:
Igottothepointoffeelingasortofsecretabnormal,despicableenjoymentinreturninghometomy
coin
corner
onsomedisgustingPetersburgnight,acutelyconsciousthatthatdayIhad
commis
committed
aloathsomeactionagain,thatwhatwasdonecouldneverbeundone,andsecretly,inwardlygnawing,gnawingatmyselfforit,
déchirant
tearing
andconsumingmyselftillatlastthebitternessturnedintoasortofshamefulaccursedsweetness,andatlast—intopositiverealenjoyment!
Yes,intoenjoyment,intoenjoyment!
Iinsistuponthat.
IhavespokenofthisbecauseIkeepwantingtoknowforafactwhetherotherpeoplefeelsuchenjoyment?
Iwillexplain;
theenjoymentwasjustfromthetoointenseconsciousnessofone’sowndegradation;
itwasfromfeelingoneselfthatonehadreachedthelastbarrier,thatitwas
horrible
horrible
,butthatitcouldnotbeotherwise;
thattherewasnoescapeforyou;
thatyounevercouldbecomeadifferentman;
thateveniftimeandfaithwerestillleftyoutochangeintosomethingdifferentyouwouldmost
probablement
likely
notwishtochange;
orifyoudidwishto,eventhenyouwoulddonothing;
becauseperhapsinrealitytherewasnothingforyoutochangeinto.
Andtheworstofitwas,andtherootofitall,thatitwasallinaccordwiththenormalfundamentallawsofover-acuteconsciousness,andwiththeinertiathatwasthe
direct
direct
resultofthoselaws,andthatconsequentlyonewasnotonlyunabletochangebutcoulddoabsolutelynothing.
Thusitwouldfollow,asthe
résultat
result
ofacuteconsciousness,thatoneisnottoblameinbeingascoundrel;
asthoughthatwereanyconsolationtothescoundreloncehehascometorealisethatheactuallyisascoundrel.
Butenough....
Ech,Ihavetalkedalotof
bêtises
nonsense
,butwhathaveIexplained?
Howisenjoymentinthistobeexplained?
ButIwillexplainit.
Iwillgettothe
fond
bottom
ofit!
ThatiswhyIhavetakenupmy
plume
pen...
.
I,forinstance,haveagreatdealofamourpropre.
Iamassuspiciousandpronetotakeoffenceasahumpbackoradwarf.
ButuponmywordIsometimeshavehadmomentswhenifIhadhappenedtobeslappedinthefaceIshould,perhaps,havebeenpositivelygladofit.
Isay,inearnest,thatIshouldprobablyhavebeenabletodiscovereveninthatapeculiarsortofenjoyment—theenjoyment,ofcourse,ofdespair;
butindespairtherearethemostintenseenjoyments,especiallywhenoneisveryacutelyconsciousofthehopelessnessofone’sposition.
Andwhenoneisslappedintheface—whythentheconsciousnessofbeingrubbedintoapulpwouldpositivelyoverwhelmone.
Theworstofitis,lookatitwhichwayonewill,itstillturnsoutthatIwasalwaysthemosttoblameineverything.
Andwhatismosthumiliatingofall,toblamefornofaultofmyownbut,sotosay,throughthelawsofnature.
Inthefirstplace,toblamebecauseIamclevererthananyofthepeoplesurroundingme.
(Ihavealways
considéré
considered
myselfclevererthananyofthepeoplesurroundingme,andsometimes,wouldyoubelieveit,havebeenpositively
honte
ashamed
ofit.
Atanyrate,Ihaveallmylife,asitwere,turnedmyeyesawayandnevercouldlookpeoplestraightintheface.)
Toblame,finally,becauseevenifIhadhadmagnanimity,Ishouldonlyhavehadmoresufferingfromthesenseofitsuselessness.
Ishouldcertainlyhaveneverbeenabletodoanythingfrombeingmagnanimous—neithertoforgive,formyassailantwouldperhapshaveslappedmefromthelawsofnature,andonecannotforgivethelawsofnature;
nortoforget,forevenifitwereowingtothelawsofnature,itisinsultingallthesame.
Finally,evenifIhadwantedtobeanythingbutmagnanimous,haddesiredonthecontraryto
venger
revenge
myselfonmyassailant,Icouldnothave
venger
revenged
myselfonanyoneforanythingbecauseIshouldcertainlyneverhavemadeupmymindtodoanything,evenifIhadbeenableto.
WhyshouldInothavemadeupmymind?
III
Withpeoplewhoknowhowto
venger
revenge
themselvesandtostandupforthemselvesingeneral,howisitdone?
Why,whentheyarepossessed,letussuppose,bythefeelingof
vengeance
revenge
,thenforthetimethereisnothingelsebutthatfeelingleftintheirwholebeing.
Sucha
gentleman
gentleman
simplydashesstraightforhis
objet
object
likeaninfuriatedbullwithitshornsdown,andnothingbutawallwillstophim.
(Bytheway:
facingthewall,suchgentlemen—thatis,the“direct”personsandmenofaction—aregenuinelynonplussed.
Forthemawallisnotanevasion,asforuspeoplewhothinkandconsequentlydonothing;
itisnotanexcuseforturningaside,anexcuseforwhichwearealwaysveryglad,thoughwescarcelybelieveinitourselves,asarule.
No,theyarenonplussedinallsincerity.
Thewallhasforthemsomethingtranquillising,morallysoothing,final—maybeevensomethingmysterious...
butofthewalllater.)
Well,suchadirectpersonIregardastherealnormalman,ashistendermothernaturewishedtoseehimwhenshegraciouslybroughthimintobeingontheearth.
IenvysuchamantillIamgreenintheface.
Heisstupid.
Iamnotdisputingthat,butperhapsthenormalmanshouldbestupid,howdoyouknow?
Perhapsitisverybeautiful,infact.
AndIamthemorepersuadedofthatsuspicion,ifonecancallitso,bythefactthatifyoutake,forinstance,theantithesisofthenormalman,thatis,themanofacuteconsciousness,whohascome,ofcourse,notoutofthelapofnaturebutoutofaretort(thisisalmostmysticism,gentlemen,butI
soupçonne
suspect
this,too),thisretort-mademanissometimessononplussedinthe
présence
presence
ofhisantithesisthatwithallhisexaggeratedconsciousnesshegenuinelythinksofhimselfasa
souris
mouse
andnotaman.
Itmaybeanacutelyconscious
souris
mouse
,yetitisa
souris
mouse
,whiletheotherisaman,and
donc
therefore
,etcaetera,etcaetera.
Andtheworstofitis,hehimself,hisveryownself,looksonhimselfasa
souris
mouse
;
nooneaskshimtodoso;
andthatisanimportantpoint.
Nowletuslookatthis
souris
mouse
inaction.
Letussuppose,forinstance,thatitfeelsinsulted,too(anditalmostalwaysdoesfeelinsulted),andwantsto
venger
revenge
itself,too.
Theremayevenbea
plus
greater
accumulationofspiteinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.
Thebaseand
méchant
nasty
desiretoventthatspiteonitsassailantranklesperhapsevenmorenastilyinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.
Forthroughhisinnatestupiditythelatterlooksuponhis
vengeance
revenge
asjusticepureandsimple;
whileinconsequenceofhisacuteconsciousnessthe
souris
mouse
doesnotbelieveinthe
justice
justice
ofit.
Tocomeatlasttothedeeditself,totheveryactof
vengeance
revenge
.
Apartfromtheonefundamentalnastinesstheluckless
souris
mouse
succeedsincreatingarounditsomanyothernastinessesintheformofdoubtsandquestions,
ajoute
adds
totheonequestionsomanyunsettledquestionsthatthereinevitablyworksuparounditasortoffatalbrew,astinkingmess,madeupofitsdoubts,emotions,andofthecontempt
crachent
spat
uponitbythedirectmenofactionwhostandsolemnlyaboutitasjudgesandarbitrators,laughingatittilltheirhealthysidesache.
Ofcoursetheonlythingleftforitistodismissallthatwithawaveofitspaw,and,withasmileof
supposé
assumed
contemptinwhichitdoesnotevenitselfbelieve,creepignominiouslyintoitsmouse-hole.
Thereinitsnasty,stinking,undergroundhomeourinsulted,crushedandridiculed
souris
mouse
promptlybecomesabsorbedincold,malignantand,aboveall,everlastingspite.
Forfortyyearstogetheritwillrememberitsinjurydowntothesmallest,mostignominiousdetails,andeverytimewill
ajoutera
add
,ofitself,detailsstillmoreignominious,spitefullyteasingandtormentingitselfwithitsown
imagination
imagination
.
Itwillitselfbe
honte
ashamed
ofitsimaginings,butyetitwillrecallitall,itwillgooverandovereverydetail,itwillinventunheardofthingsagainstitself,
prétendant
pretending
thatthosethingsmighthappen,andwillforgivenothing.
Maybeitwillbegintorevengeitself,too,but,asitwere,piecemeal,intrivialways,frombehindthestove,incognito,withoutbelievingeitherinitsownrighttovengeance,orinthe
succès
success
ofitsrevenge,knowingthatfromallitseffortsatrevengeitwill
souffrira
suffer
ahundredtimesmorethanheonwhomitrevengesitself,whilehe,Idaresay,willnoteven
grattera
scratch
himself.
Onitsdeathbeditwillrecallitalloveragain,withinterestaccumulatedoveralltheyearsand...
Butitisjustinthatcold,abominablehalfdespair,halfbelief,inthatconsciousburyingoneselfaliveforgriefintheunderworldforfortyyears,inthatacutelyrecognisedandyetpartlydoubtfulhopelessnessofone’sposition,inthathellofunsatisfieddesiresturnedinward,inthat
fièvre
fever
ofoscillations,ofresolutionsdeterminedforeverandrepentedofagainaminutelater—thatthesavourofthatstrangeenjoymentofwhichIhavespokenlies.
Itissosubtle,sodifficultofanalysis,thatpersonswhoarealittlelimited,orevensimplypersonsofstrongnerves,willnotunderstandasingleatomofit.
“Possibly,”youwill
ajouterez
add
onyourownaccountwithagrin,“peoplewillnotunderstanditeitherwhohavenever
reçu
received
aslapintheface,”andinthatwayyouwillpolitelyhinttomethatI,too,perhaps,havehadtheexperienceofaslapinthefaceinmylife,andsoIspeakasonewhoknows.
Ibetthatyouarethinkingthat.
Butsetyourmindsatrest,gentlemen,Ihavenot
reçu
received
aslapintheface,thoughitisabsolutelyamatterofindifferencetomewhatyoumaythinkaboutit.
Peut-être
Possibly
,Ievenregret,myself,thatIhavegivensofewslapsinthefaceduringmylife.
Butenough...
notanotherwordonthat
sujet
subject
ofsuchextremeinteresttoyou.
Iwillcontinuecalmlyconcerningpersonswithstrongnerveswhodonotunderstandacertainrefinementofenjoyment.
Thoughincertaincircumstancesthesegentlemenbellowtheirloudestlikebulls,thoughthis,letussuppose,doesthemthe
plus
greatest
credit,yet,asIhavesaidalready,confrontedwiththeimpossibletheysubsideatonce.
Theimpossiblemeansthe
pierre
stone
wall!
Whatstonewall?
Why,ofcourse,thelawsofnature,thedeductionsofnaturalscience,mathematics.