I
Iamasickman....
Iamaspitefulman.
Iamanunattractiveman.
Ibelievemyliverisdiseased.
Cependant
However,Iknownothingatallaboutmydisease,anddonotknowforcertainwhatailsme.Idon’tconsultadoctorforit,andneverhave,thoughIhavea
respect
respectformedicineanddoctors.Besides,Iamextremelysuperstitious,sufficientlysoto
respecter
respectmedicine,anyway(Iamwell-educatedenoughnottobesuperstitious,butIamsuperstitious).No,Irefusetoconsultadoctorfromspite.
Thatyouprobablywillnotunderstand.
Well,Iunderstandit,though.
Ofcourse,Ican’t
expliquer
explainwhoitispreciselythatIammortifyinginthiscasebymyspite:IamperfectlywellawarethatIcannot“payout”thedoctorsbynotconsultingthem;
IknowbetterthananyonethatbyallthisIamonlyinjuringmyselfandnooneelse.
Butstill,ifIdon’tconsultadoctoritisfromspite.
Myliverisbad,well—letitgetworse!
Ihavebeengoingonlikethatforalongtime—twentyyears.
NowIamforty.
Iusedtobeinthe
gouvernement
governmentservice,butamnolonger.Iwasaspitefulofficial.
Iwasrudeandtook
plaisir
pleasureinbeingso.Ididnottakebribes,yousee,soIwasboundtofindarecompenseinthat,atleast.
(Apoorjest,butIwillnotscratchitout.
Iwroteitthinkingitwouldsoundverywitty;
butnowthatIhaveseenmyselfthatIonlywantedtoshowoffinadespicableway,Iwillnotscratchitoutonpurpose!)
Whenpetitionersusedtocomefor
informations
informationtothetableatwhichIsat,Iusedtogrindmyteethatthem,andfeltintenseenjoymentwhenIsucceededinmakinganybodyunhappy.Ialmostdidsucceed.
Forthemostparttheywerealltimidpeople—ofcourse,theywerepetitioners.
Butoftheuppishonestherewasone
officier
officerinparticularIcouldnotendure.Hesimplywouldnotbehumble,andclankedhisswordinadisgustingway.
Icarriedonafeudwithhimforeighteenmonthsoverthatsword.
AtlastIgotthebetterofhim.
Heleftoffclankingit.
Thathappenedinmyyouth,though.
Butdoyouknow,gentlemen,whatwasthe
principal
chiefpointaboutmyspite?Why,thewholepoint,therealstingofitlayinthefactthatcontinually,eveninthemomentoftheacutestspleen,Iwasinwardlyconsciouswith
honte
shamethatIwasnotonlynotaspitefulbutnotevenanembitteredman,thatIwassimplyscaringsparrowsatrandomandamusingmyselfbyit.Imightfoamatthe
bouche
mouth,butbringmeadolltoplaywith,givemeatasse
cupofteawithsugarinit,andmaybeIshouldbeappeased.Imightevenbegenuinelytouched,thoughprobablyIshouldgrindmyteethatmyselfafterwardsandlieawakeatnightwith
honte
shameformonthsafter.Thatwasmyway.
IwaslyingwhenIsaidjustnowthatIwasaspitefulofficial.
Iwaslyingfromspite.
Iwassimplyamusingmyselfwiththepetitionersandwiththeofficer,andinrealityInevercouldbecomespiteful.
Iwasconsciouseverymomentinmyselfofmany,verymanyelements
absolument
absolutelyoppositetothat.Ifeltthempositivelyswarminginme,theseoppositeelements.
Iknewthattheyhadbeenswarminginmeallmylifeandcravingsomeoutletfromme,butIwouldnotletthem,wouldnotletthem,purposelywouldnotletthemcomeout.
TheytormentedmetillIwasashamed:
theydrovemetoconvulsionsand—sickenedme,atlast,howtheysickenedme!
Now,arenotyoufancying,gentlemen,thatIamexpressingremorseforsomethingnow,thatIamaskingyourforgivenessforsomething?
Iamsureyouarefancyingthat...
Cependant
However,IassureyouIdonotcareifyouare....ItwasnotonlythatIcouldnotbecomespiteful,Ididnotknowhowtobecomeanything;
neitherspitefulnorkind,neitherarascalnoran
honnête
honestman,neitheraheronoraninsect.Now,Iamlivingoutmylifeinmycorner,tauntingmyselfwiththespitefulanduselessconsolationthatanintelligentmancannotbecomeanything
sérieusement
seriously,anditisonlythefoolwhobecomesanything.Yes,amaninthenineteenthcenturymustandmorallyoughttobepre-eminentlyacharacterlesscreature;
amanofcharacter,anactivemanispre-eminentlyalimitedcreature.
Thatismyconvictionoffortyyears.
Iamfortyyearsoldnow,andyouknowfortyyearsisawholelifetime;
youknowitisextremeoldage.
Tolivelongerthanfortyyearsisbadmanners,isvulgar,immoral.
Whodoeslivebeyondforty?
Answerthat,sincerelyandhonestlyIwilltellyouwhodo:
foolsandworthlessfellows.
Itellalloldmenthattotheirface,allthesevenerableoldmen,allthesesilver-hairedandreverendseniors!
Itellthewholeworldthattoitsface!
Ihavearighttosayso,forIshallgoonlivingtosixtymyself.
Toseventy!
Toeighty!
Stay,letmetakebreath...
Youimagineno
doute
doubt,gentlemen,thatIwanttoamuseyou.Youaremistakeninthat,too.
Iambynomeanssuchamirthfulpersonasyou
imaginer
imagine,orasyoumayimaginer
imagine;however,irritatedbyallthisbabble(andIfeelthatyouareirritated)youthinkfittoaskmewhoIam—thenmyansweris,Iamacollegiateassessor.
Iwasinthe
service
servicethatImighthavesomethingtoeat(andsolelyforthatreason),andwhenlastyearadistantrelationleftmesixmille
thousandroublesinhiswillIimmédiatement
immediatelyretiredfromtheserviceandsettleddowninmycorner.Iusedtoliveinthiscornerbefore,butnowIhavesettleddowninit.
Myroomisawretched,horridoneintheoutskirtsofthetown.
Myservantisanoldcountry-woman,ill-naturedfromstupidity,and,moreover,thereisalwaysanasty
odeur
smellabouther.IamtoldthatthePetersburgclimateisbadforme,andthatwithmysmallmeansitisveryexpensivetoliveinPetersburg.
Iknowallthatbetterthanallthesesageandexperiencedcounsellorsandmonitors....
ButIamremaininginPetersburg;
IamnotgoingawayfromPetersburg!
Iamnotgoingawaybecause...
ech!
Why,itis
absolument
absolutelynomatterwhetherIamgoingawayornotgoingaway.Butwhatcanadecentmanspeakofwithmost
plaisir
pleasure?Answer:
Ofhimself.
II
Iwantnowtotellyou,gentlemen,whetheryoucaretohearitornot,whyIcouldnotevenbecomeaninsect.
Itellyousolemnly,thatIhavemanytimestriedtobecomeaninsect.
ButIwasnotequaleventothat.
I
jure
swear,gentlemen,thattobetooconsciousisanillness—arealthorough-goingillness.Forman’severydayneeds,itwouldhavebeenquiteenoughtohavetheordinaryhumanconsciousness,thatis,halforaquarteroftheamountwhichfallstothelotofacultivatedmanofourunhappynineteenthcentury,
surtout
especiallyonewhohasthefatalill-lucktoinhabitPetersburg,themosttheoreticalandintentionaltownonthewholeterrestrialglobe.(Thereareintentionalandunintentionaltowns.)
Itwouldhavebeenquiteenough,forinstance,tohavetheconsciousnessbywhichallso-calleddirectpersonsandmenofactionlive.
I
parie
betyouthinkIamwritingallthisfromaffectation,tobewittyattheexpenseofmenofaction;andwhatismore,thatfromill-bredaffectation,Iamclankingaswordlikemy
officier
officer.But,gentlemen,whoevercanpridehimselfonhisdiseasesandevenswaggeroverthem?
Though,afterall,everyonedoesdothat;
peopledopridethemselvesontheirdiseases,andIdo,maybe,morethananyone.
Wewillnotdisputeit;
mycontentionwasabsurd.
ButyetIamfirmlypersuadedthatagreatdealofconsciousness,everysortofconsciousness,infact,isadisease.
I
tiens
sticktothat.Letusleavethat,too,foraminute.
Tellmethis:
whydoesithappenthatatthevery,yes,attheverymomentswhenIammostcapableoffeelingeveryrefinementofallthatis“sublimeandbeautiful,”astheyusedtosayatonetime,itwould,asthoughofdesign,happentomenotonlytofeelbuttodosuchuglythings,suchthat...
Well,in
bref
short,actionsthatall,perhaps,commit;butwhich,asthoughpurposely,occurredtomeattheverytimewhenIwasmostconsciousthattheyoughtnottobecommitted.
ThemoreconsciousIwasofgoodnessandofallthatwas“sublimeandbeautiful,”themoredeeplyIsankintomymireandthemorereadyIwastosinkinitaltogether.
Butthe
principal
chiefpointwasthatallthiswas,asitwere,notaccidentalinme,butasthoughitwereboundtobeso.Itwasasthoughitweremymost
normal
normalcondition,andnotintheleastdiseaseordepravity,sothatatlastalldesireinmetostruggleagainstthisdepravitypassed.Itendedbymyalmostbelieving(perhapsactuallybelieving)thatthiswasperhapsmy
normal
normalcondition.Butatfirst,inthe
début
beginning,whatagoniesIenduredinthatstruggle!Ididnotbelieveitwasthesamewithotherpeople,andallmylifeI
caché
hidthisfactaboutmyselfasasecret
secret.Iwasashamed(evennow,perhaps,Iamashamed):
Igottothepointoffeelingasortof
secret
secretabnormal,despicableenjoymentinreturninghometomycorneronsomedisgustingPetersburgnight,acutelyconsciousthatthatdayIhadcommittedaloathsomeaction
actionagain,thatwhatwasdonecouldneverbeundone,andsecretly,inwardlygnawing,gnawingatmyselfforit,tearingandconsumingmyselftillatlastthebitternessturnedintoasortofshamefulaccursedsweetness,andatlast—intopositiverealenjoyment!Yes,intoenjoyment,intoenjoyment!
Iinsistuponthat.
IhavespokenofthisbecauseIkeepwantingtoknowforafact
si
whetherotherpeoplefeelsuchenjoyment?Iwillexplain;
theenjoymentwasjustfromthetoointenseconsciousnessofone’sowndegradation;
itwasfromfeelingoneselfthatonehad
atteint
reachedthelastbarrier,thatitwashorrible,butthatitcouldnotbeautrement
otherwise;thattherewasnoescapeforyou;
thatyounevercouldbecomeadifferentman;
thateveniftimeand
foi
faithwerestillleftyoutochangeintosomethingdifferentyouwouldmostlikelynotwishtochange;orifyoudidwishto,eventhenyouwoulddonothing;
becauseperhapsinrealitytherewasnothingforyoutochangeinto.
Andthe
pire
worstofitwas,andtherootofitall,thatitwasallinaccordwiththenormalfundamentallawsofover-acuteconsciousness,andwiththeinertiathatwasthedirectresultofthoselaws,andthatconsequentlyonewasnotonlyunabletochangebutcoulddoabsolutelynothing.Thusitwouldfollow,astheresultofacuteconsciousness,thatoneisnotto
blâmer
blameinbeingascoundrel;asthoughthatwereanyconsolationtothescoundreloncehehascometorealisethatheactuallyisascoundrel.
Butenough....
Ech,Ihavetalkedalotofnonsense,butwhathaveI
expliqué
explained?Howisenjoymentinthistobe
expliquer
explained?ButIwillexplainit.
Iwillgettothebottomofit!
ThatiswhyIhavetakenupmypen....
I,forinstance,haveagreatdealofamourpropre.
Iamassuspiciousandpronetotakeoffenceasahumpbackoradwarf.
ButuponmywordIsometimeshavehadmomentswhenifIhadhappenedtobeslappedinthefaceIshould,perhaps,havebeenpositively
heureux
gladofit.Isay,inearnest,thatIshouldprobablyhavebeenabletodiscovereveninthatapeculiarsortofenjoyment—theenjoyment,ofcourse,ofdespair;
butindespairtherearethemostintenseenjoyments,
surtout
especiallywhenoneisveryacutelyconsciousofthehopelessnessofone’sposition
position.Andwhenoneisslappedintheface—whythentheconsciousnessofbeingrubbedintoapulpwouldpositivelyoverwhelmone.
The
pire
worstofitis,lookatitwhichwayonewill,itstillturnsoutthatIwasalwaysthemosttoblâmer
blameineverything.Andwhatismosthumiliatingofall,to
blâmé
blamefornofaultofmyownbut,sotosay,throughthelawsofnature
nature.Inthefirstplace,to
blâmer
blamebecauseIamclevererthananyofthepeoplesurroundingme.(Ihavealwaysconsideredmyselfclevererthananyofthepeoplesurroundingme,andsometimes,wouldyoubelieveit,havebeenpositivelyashamedofit.
Atanyrate,Ihaveallmylife,asitwere,turnedmyeyesawayandnevercouldlookpeoplestraightintheface.)
To
blâmer
blame,finally,becauseevenifIhadhadmagnanimity,Ishouldonlyhavehadmoresufferingfromthesentiment
senseofitsuselessness.Ishould
certainement
certainlyhaveneverbeenabletodoanythingfrombeingmagnanimous—neithertopardonner
forgive,formyassailantwouldperhapshaveslappedmefromthelawsofnature
nature,andonecannotforgivethelawsofnature
nature;nortoforget,forevenifitwere
dû
owingtothelawsofnature
nature,itisinsultingallthesame.Enfin
Finally,evenifIhadwantedtobeanythingbutmagnanimous,haddesiredonthecontrarytorevengemyselfonmyassailant,IcouldnothaverevengedmyselfonanyoneforanythingbecauseIshouldcertainement
certainlyneverhavemadeupmymindtodoanything,evenifIhadbeenableto.WhyshouldInothavemadeupmymind?
III
Withpeoplewhoknowhowtorevengethemselvesandtostandupforthemselvesin
général
general,howisitdone?Why,whentheyarepossessed,letus
supposons
suppose,bythefeelingofrevenge,thenforthetimethereisnothingelsebutthatfeelingleftintheirwholebeing.Suchagentlemansimplydashesstraightforhisobjectlikeaninfuriatedbullwithitshornsdown,andnothingbuta
mur
wallwillstophim.(Bytheway:
facingthe
mur
wall,suchgentlemen—thatis,the“direct”personsandmenofaction—aregenuinelynonplussed.Forthema
mur
wallisnotanevasion,asforuspeoplewhothinkandconsequentlydonothing;itisnotanexcuseforturningaside,anexcuseforwhichwearealwaysvery
heureux
glad,thoughwescarcelybelieveinitourselves,asarègle
rule.No,theyarenonplussedinallsincerity.
The
mur
wallhasforthemsomethingtranquillising,morallysoothing,final—maybeevensomethingmysterious...butofthe
mur
walllater.)Well,suchadirectpersonIregardasthereal
normal
normalman,ashistendermothernature
naturewishedtoseehimwhenshegraciouslybroughthimintobeingontheearth.IenvysuchamantillIam
vert
greenintheface.Heisstupid.
Iamnotdisputingthat,butperhapsthe
normal
normalmanshouldbestupid,howdoyouknow?Perhapsitisverybeautiful,infact.
AndIamthemorepersuadedofthatsuspicion,ifonecancallitso,bythefactthatifyoutake,forinstance,theantithesisofthe
normal
normalman,thatis,themanofacuteconsciousness,whohascome,ofcourse,notoutofthelapofnature
naturebutoutofaretort(thisisalmostmysticism,gentlemen,butIsuspectthis,too),thisretort-mademanissometimessononplussedinthepresenceofhisantithesisthatwithallhisexaggeratedconsciousnesshegenuinelythinksofhimselfasamouseandnotaman.Itmaybeanacutelyconsciousmouse,yetitisamouse,whiletheotherisaman,andtherefore,etcaetera,etcaetera.
Andthe
pire
worstofitis,hehimself,hisveryownself,looksonhimselfasamouse;nooneaskshimtodoso;
andthatisanimportantpoint.
Nowletuslookatthismousein
action
action.Letussuppose,forinstance,thatitfeelsinsulted,too(anditalmostalwaysdoesfeelinsulted),andwantstorevengeitself,too.
Theremayevenbeagreateraccumulationofspiteinitthaninl’hommedela
nature
natureetdelavérité.Thebaseandnastydesiretoventthatspiteonitsassailantranklesperhapsevenmorenastilyinitthaninl’hommedela
nature
natureetdelavérité.Forthroughhisinnatestupiditythelatterlooksuponhisrevengeasjusticepureandsimple;
whileinconsequenceofhisacuteconsciousnessthemousedoesnotbelieveinthejusticeofit.
Tocomeatlasttothedeeditself,totheveryactofrevenge.
Apartfromtheonefundamentalnastinessthelucklessmousesucceedsincreatingarounditsomanyothernastinessesinthe
forme
formofdoubtsandquestions,addstotheonequestionsomanyunsettledquestionsthatthereinevitablyworksuparounditasortoffatalbrew,astinkingdésordre
mess,madeupofitsdoubts,emotions,andofthecontemptspatuponitbythedirectmenofactionwhostandsolemnlyaboutitasjudgesandarbitrators,laughingatittilltheirhealthysidesache.Ofcoursetheonlythingleftforitistodismissallthatwithawaveofitspaw,and,witha
sourire
smileofassumedcontemptinwhichitdoesnotevenitselfbelieve,creepignominiouslyintoitsmouse-hole.Thereinitsnasty,stinking,undergroundhomeourinsulted,crushedandridiculedmousepromptlybecomesabsorbedincold,malignantand,aboveall,everlastingspite.
Forfortyyearstogetheritwillrememberitsinjurydowntothesmallest,mostignominiousdetails,andeverytimewilladd,ofitself,detailsstillmoreignominious,spitefullyteasingandtormentingitselfwithitsownimagination.
Itwillitselfbeashamedofitsimaginings,butyetitwillrecallitall,itwillgooverandovereverydetail,itwillinventunheardofthingsagainstitself,pretendingthatthosethingsmighthappen,andwill
pardonnera
forgivenothing.Maybeitwill
commencera
begintorevengeitself,too,but,asitwere,piecemeal,intrivialways,frombehindthestove,incognito,withoutbelievingeitherinitsownrighttovengeance,orinthesuccessofitsrevenge,knowingthatfromallitseffortsatrevengeitwillsufferacent
hundredtimesmorethanheonwhomitrevengesitself,whilehe,Idaresay,willnotevenscratchhimself.Onitsdeathbeditwillrecallitalloveragain,withinterestaccumulatedoveralltheyearsand...
Butitisjustinthatcold,abominablehalfdespair,halfbelief,inthatconsciousburyingoneselfaliveforgriefintheunderworldforfortyyears,inthatacutelyrecognisedandyetpartlydoubtfulhopelessnessofone’s
position
position,inthathellofunsatisfieddesiresturnedinward,inthatfeverofoscillations,ofresolutionsdeterminedforeverandrepentedofagainaminutelater—thatthesavourofthatétrange
strangeenjoymentofwhichIhavespokenlies.Itissosubtle,so
difficile
difficultofanalysis,thatpersonswhoarealittlelimited,orevensimplypersonsofstrongnerves,willnotunderstandaseul
singleatomofit.“Possibly,”youwilladdonyourownaccountwithagrin,“peoplewillnotunderstanditeitherwhohaveneverreceivedaslapintheface,”andinthatwayyouwillpolitelyhinttomethatI,too,perhaps,havehadtheexperienceofaslapinthefaceinmylife,andsoIspeakasonewhoknows.
I
parie
betthatyouarethinkingthat.Butsetyourmindsatrest,gentlemen,Ihavenotreceivedaslapintheface,thoughitis
absolument
absolutelyamatterofindifferencetomewhatyoumaythinkaboutit.Possibly,Ievenregret,myself,thatIhavegivensofewslapsinthefaceduringmylife.
Butenough...
notanotherwordonthatsubjectofsuchextreme
intérêt
interesttoyou.Iwill
continuerai
continuecalmlyconcerningpersonswithstrongnerveswhodonotunderstandacertainrefinementofenjoyment.Thoughincertaincircumstancesthesegentlemenbellowtheirloudestlikebulls,thoughthis,letus
supposons
suppose,doesthemthegreatestcredit,yet,asIhavesaidalready,confrontedwiththeimpossibletheysubsideatonce.Theimpossiblemeansthestone
mur
wall!Whatstonewall?
Why,ofcourse,thelawsof
nature
nature,thedeductionsofnaturalscience,mathematics.