I
Iamasick
homme
man....Iamaspiteful
homme
man.Iamanunattractive
homme
man.Ibelievemyliverisdiseased.
However,I
sais
knownothingatallaboutmydisease,et
anddonotknowforcertainwhatailsme.Idon’tconsulta
médecin
doctorforit,andneverhave,thoughIhavearespectformedicineet
anddoctors.Besides,Iamextremelysuperstitious,sufficientlysotorespectmedicine,anyway
Je
(Iamwell-educatedenoughnottobesuperstitious,mais
butIamsuperstitious).No,Irefusetoconsult
un
adoctorfromspite.Thatyou
probablement
probablywillnotunderstand.Well,I
comprends
understandit,though.Ofcourse,Ican’texplainwhoitispreciselythatIammortifyingin
ce
thiscasebymyspite:Iamperfectlywellaware
que
thatIcannot“payout”thedoctorsbynotconsultingthem;I
sais
knowbetterthananyonethatbytout
allthisIamonlyinjuringmyselfet
andnooneelse.Butstill,
si
ifIdon’tconsultamédecin
doctoritisfromspite.Myliveris
mal
bad,well—letitgetworse!Ihavebeengoingon
comme
likethatforalongtime—twentyyears.Maintenant
NowIamforty.Iusedtobein
le
thegovernmentservice,butamnolonger.Iwas
un
aspitefulofficial.Iwasrude
et
andtookpleasureinbeingso.Ididnot
pris
takebribes,yousee,soIwasboundtotrouver
findarecompenseinthat,atmoins
least.(Apoorjest,butI
vais
willnotscratchitout.I
écrit
wroteitthinkingitwouldsonnerait
soundverywitty;butnow
que
thatIhaveseenmyselfque
thatIonlywantedtomontrer
showoffinadespicablemanière
way,Iwillnotscratchitoutonpurpose!)Quand
Whenpetitionersusedtocomeforinformationtola
thetableatwhichIassis
sat,Iusedtogrindmyteethateux
them,andfeltintenseenjoymentquand
whenIsucceededinmakingquelqu'un
anybodyunhappy.Ialmostdidsucceed.
For
la
themostparttheyweretous
alltimidpeople—ofcourse,theywerepetitioners.Mais
Butoftheuppishonestherewasun
oneofficerinparticularIpouvais
couldnotendure.Hesimplywouldnotbehumble,
et
andclankedhisswordinadisgustingmanière
way.Icarriedonafeud
avec
withhimforeighteenmonthsoverthatsword.AtlastIgotthebetterofhim.
Heleftoffclankingit.
That
arrivé
happenedinmyyouth,though.Mais
Butdoyouknow,gentlemen,whatwasle
thechiefpointaboutmyspite?Why,thewholepoint,the
véritable
realstingofitlayinthefait
factthatcontinually,eveninthemomentoftheacutestspleen,Iwasinwardlyconsciousavec
withshamethatIwasnotonlynotaspitefulmais
butnotevenanembitteredhomme
man,thatIwassimplyscaringsparrowsatrandomet
andamusingmyselfbyit.Imightfoamat
la
themouth,butbringmeune
adolltoplaywith,donnez
givemeacupofteaavec
withsugarinit,andpeut-être
maybeIshouldbeappeased.I
pourrais
mightevenbegenuinelytouched,thoughprobablement
probablyIshouldgrindmyteethatmyselfafterwardset
andlieawakeatnightavec
withshameformonthsafter.Thatwasmy
façon
way.IwaslyingwhenI
disais
saidjustnowthatIwasun
aspitefulofficial.Iwas
mentais
lyingfromspite.Iwassimplyamusingmyself
avec
withthepetitionersandwithles
theofficer,andinrealityIjamais
nevercouldbecomespiteful.Iwasconscious
chaque
everymomentinmyselfofnombreux
many,verymanyelementsabsolutelyoppositetothat.I
sentais
feltthempositivelyswarminginmoi
me,theseoppositeelements.I
savais
knewthattheyhadbeenswarminginmeallmyvie
lifeandcravingsomeoutletfrommoi
me,butIwouldnotlaissais
letthem,wouldnotletles
them,purposelywouldnotletthemcomesortir
out.TheytormentedmetillIwasashamed:
they
conduit
drovemetoconvulsionsand—sickenedme,atlast,comment
howtheysickenedme!Now,arenotyoufancying,gentlemen,
que
thatIamexpressingremorseforquelque chose
somethingnow,thatIamdemande
askingyourforgivenessforsomething?Iam
sûr
sureyouarefancyingthat...However,IassureyouIdonotcare
si
ifyouare....Itwasnotonly
que
thatIcouldnotbecomespiteful,Ididnotsavais
knowhowtobecomeanything;neitherspitefulnorkind,neitherarascalnoranhonest
homme
man,neitheraheronoraninsect.Maintenant
Now,Iamlivingoutmylifeinmycorner,tauntingmyselfavec
withthespitefulanduselessconsolationthatanintelligenthomme
mancannotbecomeanythingseriously,et
anditisonlythefoolwhobecomesanything.Oui
Yes,amaninthenineteenthcenturymustet
andmorallyoughttobepre-eminentlyacharacterlesscreature;a
homme
manofcharacter,anactivehomme
manispre-eminentlyalimitedcreature.Thatismyconvictionoffortyyears.
Iamfortyyearsold
maintenant
now,andyouknowfortyyearsisune
awholelifetime;youknowitisextremeoldage.
To
vivre
livelongerthanfortyyearsisbadmanners,isvulgar,immoral.Qui
Whodoeslivebeyondforty?Répondez
Answerthat,sincerelyandhonestlyIvais
willtellyouwhodo:fools
et
andworthlessfellows.Itell
tous
alloldmenthattotheirface,tous
allthesevenerableoldmen,tous
allthesesilver-hairedandreverendseniors!I
dis
tellthewholeworldthattoitsface!Ihavea
droit
righttosayso,forIshallgoonvivrai
livingtosixtymyself.Toseventy!
Toeighty!
Restez
Stay,letmetakebreath...Youimagine
aucun
nodoubt,gentlemen,thatIveux
wanttoamuseyou.Youaremistakeninthat,
aussi
too.Iambynomeanssuch
une
amirthfulpersonasyouimagine,ou
orasyoumayimagine;however,irritatedby
tout
allthisbabble(andIsens
feelthatyouareirritated)youpensez
thinkfittoaskmewhoIam—thenmyréponse
answeris,Iamacollegiateassessor.Iwasin
le
theservicethatImightavoir
havesomethingtoeat(andsolelyforthatreason),et
andwhenlastyearadistantrelationlaissé
leftmesixthousandroublesinhissuis
willIimmediatelyretiredfromle
theserviceandsettleddowninmycorner.Iusedtolivein
ce
thiscornerbefore,butnowIhavesettleddowninit.Myroomisawretched,horridonein
la
theoutskirtsofthetown.Myservantisanoldcountry-woman,ill-naturedfromstupidity,
et
and,moreover,thereisalwaysanastysmellsur
abouther.Iamtold
que
thatthePetersburgclimateismauvais
badforme,andthatwithmysmallmeansitistrès
veryexpensivetoliveinPetersburg.I
sais
knowallthatbetterthanallces
thesesageandexperiencedcounsellorset
andmonitors....ButIamremaininginPetersburg;
Iamnot
vais
goingawayfromPetersburg!Iamnot
vais
goingawaybecause...ech!
Why,itisabsolutely
pas
nomatterwhetherIamvais
goingawayornotgoingaway.Mais
Butwhatcanadecenthomme
manspeakofwithmostpleasure?Réponse
Answer:Ofhimself.
II
I
veux
wantnowtotellyou,gentlemen,whetheryoucaretohearitou
ornot,whyIcouldnotmême
evenbecomeaninsect.I
dis
tellyousolemnly,thatIhavemanytimesessayé
triedtobecomeaninsect.Mais
ButIwasnotequalmême
eventothat.Iswear,gentlemen,thattobe
trop
tooconsciousisanillness—arealthorough-goingillness.Forman’severydayneeds,it
été
wouldhavebeenquiteenoughtohavetheordinaryhumanconsciousness,thatest
is,halforaquarteroftheamountwhichtombe
fallstothelotofacultivatedhomme
manofourunhappynineteenthcentury,especiallycelui
onewhohasthefatalill-lucktoinhabitPetersburg,theplus
mosttheoreticalandintentionaltownonthetout
wholeterrestrialglobe.(Thereareintentional
et
andunintentionaltowns.)Itwouldhavebeenquiteenough,forinstance,tohavetheconsciousnessby
laquelle
whichallso-calleddirectpersonset
andmenofactionlive.Ibetyou
pensez
thinkIamwritingallcela
thisfromaffectation,tobewittyattheexpenseofmenofaction;et
andwhatismore,thatfromill-bredaffectation,Iamclankingune
aswordlikemyofficer.Mais
But,gentlemen,whoevercanpridehimselfonhisdiseaseset
andevenswaggeroverthem?Though,
après
afterall,everyonedoesdoque
that;peopledopridethemselvesontheirdiseases,
et
andIdo,maybe,plus
morethananyone.Wewillnotdisputeit;
mycontentionwasabsurd.
Mais
ButyetIamfirmlypersuadedthatune
agreatdealofconsciousness,everysorte
sortofconsciousness,infact,isune
adisease.Isticktothat.
Laissons
Letusleavethat,too,forune
aminute.Tellmethis:
pourquoi
whydoesithappenthatatle
thevery,yes,attheverymomentswhenIamplus
mostcapableoffeelingeveryrefinementoftout
allthatis“sublimeandbeautiful,”astheyusedtodisait
sayatonetime,itsuis
would,asthoughofdesign,arrive
happentomenotonlytoressentir
feelbuttodosuchuglythings,suchthat...Well,inshort,actions
que
thatall,perhaps,commit;butwhich,as
si
thoughpurposely,occurredtomeatle
theverytimewhenIwasplus
mostconsciousthattheyoughtnottobecommitted.La
ThemoreconsciousIwasofgoodnesset
andofallthatwas“sublimeet
andbeautiful,”themoredeeplyIsankintomymireet
andthemorereadyIwastosinkinitaltogether.Mais
Butthechiefpointwasthattout
allthiswas,asitwere,notaccidentalinmoi
me,butasthoughitwereboundtobeso.Itwasas
si
thoughitweremymostnormalcondition,et
andnotintheleastdiseaseou
ordepravity,sothatatlasttout
alldesireinmetostrugglecontre
againstthisdepravitypassed.Itendedbymy
presque
almostbelieving(perhapsactuallybelieving)que
thatthiswasperhapsmynormalcondition.Mais
Butatfirst,inthebeginning,whatagoniesIenduredinthatstruggle!I
fait
didnotbelieveitwasthemême
samewithotherpeople,andallmyvie
lifeIhidthisfactsur
aboutmyselfasasecret.Iwasashamed(even
maintenant
now,perhaps,Iamashamed):Igottothe
point
pointoffeelingasortofsecretabnormal,despicableenjoymentinreturninghometomycorneronsomedisgustingPetersburgnuit
night,acutelyconsciousthatthatdayIhadcommittedune
aloathsomeactionagain,thatwhatwasfait
donecouldneverbeundone,et
andsecretly,inwardlygnawing,gnawingatmyselfforit,tearinget
andconsumingmyselftillatlastthebitternesstransforme
turnedintoasortofshamefulaccursedsweetness,et
andatlast—intopositiverealenjoyment!Oui
Yes,intoenjoyment,intoenjoyment!Iinsistuponthat.
Ihave
parlé
spokenofthisbecauseIkeepvouloir
wantingtoknowforafactwhetherotherpersonnes
peoplefeelsuchenjoyment?I
vais
willexplain;theenjoymentwas
juste
justfromthetoointenseconsciousnessofone’spropre
owndegradation;itwasfrom
sentir
feelingoneselfthatonehadreachedla
thelastbarrier,thatitwashorrible,mais
butthatitcouldnotbeotherwise;thattherewas
pas
noescapeforyou;thatyou
jamais
nevercouldbecomeadifferenthomme
man;thateveniftime
et
andfaithwerestillleftyoutochanger
changeintosomethingdifferentyouvoudriez
wouldmostlikelynotwishtochanger
change;orifyoudid
vouliez
wishto,eventhenyouvouliez
woulddonothing;becauseperhapsinreality
il
therewasnothingforyoutochangeinto.Et
Andtheworstofitwas,et
andtherootofittout
all,thatitwasallinaccordavec
withthenormalfundamentallawsofover-acuteconsciousness,et
andwiththeinertiathatwasthedirectresultofces
thoselaws,andthatconsequentlyonewasnotonlyunabletochanger
changebutcoulddoabsolutelyrien
nothing.Thusitwouldfollow,astheresultofacuteconsciousness,thatoneisnottoblameinbeingascoundrel;
as
si
thoughthatwereanyconsolationtole
thescoundreloncehehascometorealisethatheen fait
actuallyisascoundrel.Butenough....
Ech,Ihavetalkeda
beaucoup
lotofnonsense,butwhathaveIexplained?Comment
Howisenjoymentinthistobeexplained?Mais
ButIwillexplainit.Iwillgettothebottomofit!
Que
ThatiswhyIhavepris
takenupmypen....I,forinstance,haveagreatdealofamourpropre.
Iamassuspicious
et
andpronetotakeoffenceasahumpbackou
oradwarf.Butuponmy
parole
wordIsometimeshavehadmomentswhensi
ifIhadhappenedtobeslappedinthevisage
faceIshould,perhaps,havebeenpositivelygladofit.I
dis
say,inearnest,thatIshouldprobablement
probablyhavebeenabletodiscovermême
eveninthatapeculiarsorte
sortofenjoyment—theenjoyment,ofsûr
course,ofdespair;butindespairtherearethe
plus
mostintenseenjoyments,especiallywhenoneistrès
veryacutelyconsciousofthehopelessnessofone’sposition.Et
Andwhenoneisslappedinla
theface—whythentheconsciousnessofbeingrubbedintoapulpwouldpositivelyoverwhelmone.Le
Theworstofitis,regarde
lookatitwhichwayoneété
will,itstillturnsoutque
thatIwasalwaystheplus
mosttoblameineverything.Et
Andwhatismosthumiliatingoftout
all,toblamefornofaultofmypropre
ownbut,sotosay,par
throughthelawsofnature.In
les
thefirstplace,toblameparce que
becauseIamclevererthananyofles
thepeoplesurroundingme.(I
eu
havealwaysconsideredmyselfclevererque
thananyofthepeoplesurroundingme
me,andsometimes,wouldyoucroyez
believeit,havebeenpositivelyashamedofit.At
toute
anyrate,Ihaveallmyvie
life,asitwere,turnedmyeyesawayet
andnevercouldlookpeoplestraightinles
theface.)Toblame,finally,
parce que
becauseevenifIhadeu
hadmagnanimity,Ishouldonlyeu
havehadmoresufferingfromla
thesenseofitsuselessness.Ishouldcertainlyhave
jamais
neverbeenabletodoanythingfrombeingmagnanimous—neithertoforgive,formyassailantwouldpeut-être
perhapshaveslappedmefromthelawsofnature,et
andonecannotforgivethelawsofnature;nortoforget,foreven
si
ifitwereowingtola
thelawsofnature,itisinsultingallla
thesame.Finally,evenifIhad
voulu
wantedtobeanythingbutmagnanimous,haddesiredonle
thecontrarytorevengemyselfonmyassailant,Ipu
couldnothaverevengedmyselfonanyoneforrien
anythingbecauseIshouldcertainlyjamais
neverhavemadeupmymindtofaire
doanything,evenifIhadbeenpu
ableto.WhyshouldInothavemadeupmymind?
III
Avec
Withpeoplewhoknowhowtorevengethemselveset
andtostandupforthemselvesingeneral,comment
howisitdone?Why,
quand
whentheyarepossessed,letussuppose,byle
thefeelingofrevenge,thenforle
thetimethereisnothingelsebutque
thatfeelingleftintheirtout
wholebeing.Suchagentlemansimplydashesstraightforhisobject
comme
likeaninfuriatedbullwithitshornsdown,et
andnothingbutawallwillstophim.(Bytheway:
facing
les
thewall,suchgentlemen—thatis,les
the“direct”personsandmenofaction—aregenuinelynonplussed.Forthemawallisnotanevasion,asforus
gens
peoplewhothinkandconsequentlyne
donothing;itisnotan
excuse
excuseforturningaside,anexcuse
excuseforwhichwearetoujours
alwaysveryglad,thoughwescarcelycroyions
believeinitourselves,asarule.No,theyarenonplussedinallsincerity.
Le
Thewallhasforthemquelque chose
somethingtranquillising,morallysoothing,final—maybemême
evensomethingmysterious...butofthewalllater.)
Well,such
une
adirectpersonIregardastheréel
realnormalman,ashistendermère
mothernaturewishedtoseehimquand
whenshegraciouslybroughthimintobeingontheterre
earth.Ienvysucha
homme
mantillIamgreeninthevisage
face.Heisstupid.
Iamnotdisputing
que
that,butperhapsthenormalmandevrait
shouldbestupid,howdoyousais
know?Perhapsitisvery
beau
beautiful,infact.AndIamthe
plus
morepersuadedofthatsuspicion,si
ifonecancallitso,bythefactthatsi
ifyoutake,forinstance,theantithesisofthenormalhomme
man,thatis,themanofacuteconsciousness,whohasvenu
come,ofcourse,notoutofthelapofnaturemais
butoutofaretort(thisispresque
almostmysticism,gentlemen,butIsuspectthis,too),thisretort-madehomme
manissometimessononplussedinthepresenceofhisantithesisthatwithallhisexaggeratedconsciousnesshegenuinelypense
thinksofhimselfasamouseet
andnotaman.It
peut
maybeanacutelyconsciousmouse,yetitisamouse,tandis que
whiletheotherisahomme
man,andtherefore,etcaetera,etcaetera.Et
Andtheworstofitis,hehimself,hisveryownself,looksonhimselfasune
amouse;nooneaskshimto
faire
doso;andthatis
un
animportantpoint.Nowletus
regardons
lookatthismouseinaction.Letussuppose,forinstance,thatitfeelsinsulted,
aussi
too(anditalmostalwaysdoesfeelinsulted),et
andwantstorevengeitself,aussi
too.Theremayevenbe
une
agreateraccumulationofspiteinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.Thebase
et
andnastydesiretoventthatspiteonitsassailantranklespeut-être
perhapsevenmorenastilyinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.For
par
throughhisinnatestupiditythelatterlooksuponhisrevengeasjusticepureet
andsimple;whileinconsequenceofhisacuteconsciousness
la
themousedoesnotbelieveinla
thejusticeofit.To
arriver
comeatlasttothedeeditself,totheveryactofrevenge.Apartfromtheonefundamentalnastinessthelucklessmousesucceedsincreating
autour
arounditsomanyothernastinessesintheformofdoubtset
andquestions,addstotheonequestion
questionsomanyunsettledquestionsthaty
thereinevitablyworksuparounditasorte
sortoffatalbrew,astinkingmess,madeupofitsdoubts,emotions,et
andofthecontemptspatuponitbythedirectmenofactionwhotiennent
standsolemnlyaboutitasjudgeset
andarbitrators,laughingatittilltheirhealthysidesache.Of
sûr
coursetheonlythingleftforitistodismisstout
allthatwithawaveofitspaw,et
and,withasmileofassumedcontemptinwhichitdoesnotmême
evenitselfbelieve,creepignominiouslyintoitsmouse-hole.Thereinitsnasty,stinking,underground
maison
homeourinsulted,crushedandridiculedmousepromptlybecomesabsorbedincold,malignantet
and,aboveall,everlastingspite.Forfortyyears
ensemble
togetheritwillrememberitsinjurydowntoles
thesmallest,mostignominiousdetails,et
andeverytimewilladd,ofitself,detailsstillmoreignominious,spitefullyteasinget
andtormentingitselfwithitspropre
ownimagination.Itwillitselfbeashamedofitsimaginings,
mais
butyetitwillrecallittout
all,itwillgooveret
andovereverydetail,itwillinventunheardofthingscontre
againstitself,pretendingthatthosethingspourraient
mighthappen,andwillforgiverien
nothing.Maybeitwillbegintorevengeitself,
aussi
too,but,asitwere,piecemeal,intrivialways,fromderrière
behindthestove,incognito,withoutcroire
believingeitherinitsowndroit
righttovengeance,orinthesuccessofitsrevenge,sachant
knowingthatfromallitseffortsatrevengeitêtre
willsufferahundredtimesplus
morethanheonwhomitrevengesitself,whilehe,Idaresay,être
willnotevenscratchhimself.Onitsdeathbeditwillrecallit
tout
alloveragain,withinterestaccumulatedovertout
alltheyearsand...Mais
Butitisjustinque
thatcold,abominablehalfdespair,demi
halfbelief,inthatconsciousburyingoneselfvivant
aliveforgriefintheunderworldforfortyyears,inque
thatacutelyrecognisedandyetpartlydoubtfulhopelessnessofone’sposition,inque
thathellofunsatisfieddesiresturnedinward,inque
thatfeverofoscillations,ofresolutionsdeterminedforeveret
andrepentedofagainaminute
minutelater—thatthesavourofque
thatstrangeenjoymentofwhichIhaveparlé
spokenlies.Itissosubtle,sodifficultofanalysis,that
personnes
personswhoarealittlelimited,ou
orevensimplypersonsofstrongnerves,willnotcomprendront
understandasingleatomofil
it.“Possibly,”youwilladdonyour
propre
ownaccountwithagrin,“peopleêtre
willnotunderstanditeitherwhoeu
haveneverreceivedaslapinle
theface,”andinthatfaçon
wayyouwillpolitelyhinttomethatJe
I,too,perhaps,havehadle
theexperienceofaslapinle
thefaceinmylife,et
andsoIspeakasonewhosait
knows.Ibetthatyouare
pensez
thinkingthat.Butsetyourmindsatrest,gentlemen,Ihavenotreceivedaslapinthe
visage
face,thoughitisabsolutelyamatterofindifferencetomewhatyoumaypensez
thinkaboutit.Possibly,I
même
evenregret,myself,thatIhavedonné
givensofewslapsinla
thefaceduringmylife.Mais
Butenough...notanother
mot
wordonthatsubjectoftel
suchextremeinteresttoyou.Iwillcontinuecalmlyconcerning
personnes
personswithstrongnerveswhone
donotunderstandacertainrefinementofenjoyment.Thoughincertaincircumstances
ces
thesegentlemenbellowtheirloudestlikebulls,thoughcela
this,letussuppose,doesthemle
thegreatestcredit,yet,asIhavedit
saidalready,confrontedwiththeimpossibletheysubsideatonce.Le
Theimpossiblemeansthestonewall!Whatstonewall?
Pourquoi
Why,ofcourse,thelawsofnature,thedeductionsofnaturalscience,mathematics.