CHAPTERI
IfithadnotrainedonacertainMaymorningValancyStirling’swholelifewouldhavebeenentirelydifferent.
Shewouldhavegone,withtherestofher
clan
clan,toAuntWellington’sengagementpicknick
picnicandDr.TrentwouldhavegonetoMontreal.Butitdidrainandyoushallhearwhathappenedtoherbecauseofit.
Valancywakenedearly,inthe
levenloze
lifeless,hopelesshourjustprecedingdawn.Shehadnotsleptverywell.
Onedoesnotsleepwell,sometimes,whenoneistwenty-nineonthemorrow,andunmarried,inacommunityandconnectionwheretheunmarriedaresimplythosewhohavefailedtogetaman.
DeerwoodandtheStirlingshadlongsincerelegatedValancytohopelessoldmaidenhood.
ButValancyherselfhadneverquiterelinquishedacertainpitiful,shamed,littlehopethatRomancewouldcomeherwayyet—never,untilthiswet,horriblemorning,whenshewakenedtothefactthatshewastwenty-nineandunsoughtbyanyman.
Ay,therelaythesting.
Valancydidnotmindsomuchbeinganoldmaid.
Afterall,shethought,beinganoldmaidcouldn’tpossiblybeas
verschrikkelijk
dreadfulasbeingmarriedtoanUncleWellingtonoranUncleBenjamin,orevenanUncleHerbert.Whathurtherwasthatshehadneverhadachancetobeanythingbutanoldmaid.
Nomanhadeverdesiredher.
Thetearscameintohereyesasshelaytherealoneinthefaintlygreyingdarkness.
Shedarednotletherselfcryashardasshewantedto,fortworeasons.
Shewasafraidthatcryingmightbringonanotherattackofthatpainaroundtheheart.
Shehadhadaspellofitaftershehadgotintobed—ratherworsethananyshehadhadyet.
Andshewasafraidhermotherwouldnoticeherredeyesatbreakfastandkeepatherwithminute,
aanhoudende
persistent,mosquito-likequestionsregardingthecausethereof.“Suppose,”thoughtValancywitha
afschuwelijke
ghastlygrin,“Iansweredwiththeplaintruth,‘IamcryingbecauseIcannotgetmarried.’HowhorrifiedMotherwouldbe—thoughsheisashamedeverydayofherlifeofheroldmaiddaughter.”Butofcourseappearancesshouldbekeptup.
“Itisnot,”Valancycouldhearhermother’sprim,dictatorialvoiceasserting,“itisnotmaidenlytothinkaboutmen.”
Thethoughtofhermother’s
uitdrukking
expressionmadeValancylaugh—forshehadasenseofhumournobodyinherclan
clansuspected.Forthatmatter,therewereagoodmanythingsaboutValancythatnobodysuspected.
Butherlaughterwasvery
oppervlakkig
superficialandpresentlyshelaythere,ahuddled,nutteloos
futilelittlefigure,listeningtotherainpouringdownoutsideandwatching,withasickdistaste,thechill,meedogenloze
mercilesslightcreepingintoherugly,smerige
sordidroom.Sheknewtheuglinessofthatroombyheart—knewitandhatedit.
Theyellow-paintedfloor,withone
afschuwelijk
hideous,“hooked”rugbythebed,withagroteske
grotesque,“hooked”dogonit,alwaysgrinningatherwhensheawoke;the
verbleekte
faded,dark-redpaper;theceilingdiscolouredbyoldleaksandcrossedbycracks;
the
smalle
narrow,pinchedlittlewashstand;thebrown-paperlambrequinwith
paarse
purplerosesonit;thespottedoldlooking-glasswiththecrackacrossit,proppeduponthe
onvoldoende
inadequatedressing-table;thejarofancientpotpourrimadebyhermotherinhermythical
huwelijksreis
honeymoon;theshell-coveredbox,withone
gebarsten
burstcorner,whichCousinStickleshadmadeinherequallymythicalgirlhood;thebeadedpincushionwithhalfits
kralen
beadfringegone;theonestiff,yellowchair;
the
vervaagde
fadedoldmotto,“Gonebutnotforgotten,”workedincolouredyarnsaboutGreat-grand-motherStirling’sgrimoldface;theoldphotographsofancientrelativeslong
verbannen
banishedfromtheroomsbelow.Therewereonlytwopicturesthatwerenotofrelatives.
One,anoldchromoofa
puppy
puppysittingonarainystoep
doorstep.ThatpicturealwaysmadeValancyunhappy.
Thatforlornlittledogcrouchedonthe
stoep
doorstepinthedrivingrain!Whydidn’tsomeoneopenthedoorandlethimin?
Theotherpicturewasa
vervaagde
faded,passe-partoutedengravingofQueenLouisecomingdownatrap
stairway,whichAuntWellingtonhadlavishlygivenheronhertiende
tenthbirthday.Fornineteenyearsshehadlookedatitandhatedit,beautiful,smug,self-satisfiedQueenLouise.
Butsheneverdareddestroyitorremoveit.
MotherandCousinStickleswouldhavebeenaghast,or,asValancyirreverentlyexpresseditinherthoughts,wouldhavehadafit.
Everyroominthehousewasugly,ofcourse.
Butdownstairsappearanceswerekeptupsomewhat.
Therewasnomoneyforroomsnobodyeversaw.
Valancysometimesfeltthatshecouldhavedonesomethingforherroomherself,evenwithoutmoney,ifshewere
toegestaan
permitted.Buthermotherhadnegativedevery
timide
timidsuggestionandValancydidnotvolharden
persist.Valancyneverpersisted.
Shewasafraidto.
Hermothercouldnotbrookopposition.
Mrs.Stirlingwouldsulkfordaysifoffended,withtheairsofaninsulted
hertogin
duchess.TheonlythingValancylikedaboutherroomwasthatshecouldbealonethereatnighttocryifshewantedto.
But,afterall,whatdiditmatterifaroom,whichyouusedfornothingexceptsleepinganddressingin,wereugly?
Valancywasneverpermittedtostayaloneinherroomforanyotherpurpose.
Peoplewhowantedtobealone,soMrs.FrederickStirlingandCousinSticklesbelieved,couldonlywanttobealoneforsome
sinistere
sinisterpurpose.ButherroomintheBlueCastlewaseverythingaroomshouldbe.
Valancy,socowedandsubduedandoverriddenandsnubbedinreallife,waswonttoletherselfgorathersplendidlyinherday-dreams.
NobodyintheStirling
clan
clan,oritsramifications,suspectedthis,leastofallhermotherandCousinStickles.TheyneverknewthatValancyhadtwohomes—theuglyred
bakstenen
brickboxofahome,onElmStreet,andtheBlueCastleinSpain.ValancyhadlivedspirituallyintheBlueCastleeversinceshecouldremember.
Shehadbeenaverytinychildwhenshefoundherself
bezeten
possessedofit.Always,whensheshuthereyes,shecouldseeit
duidelijk
plainly,withitsturretsandbannersonthepine-cladmountainheight,gewikkeld
wrappedinitsfaint,blueloveliness,againstthezonsondergang
sunsetskiesofafairandunknownland.Everythingwonderfulandbeautifulwasinthatcastle.
Jewelsthatqueensmighthaveworn;
robesof
maanlicht
moonlightandfire;couchesofrosesandgold;
longflightsof
ondiepe
shallowmarblesteps,withgreat,whiteurns,andwithslanke
slender,mist-cladmaidensgoingupanddownthem;courts,marble-pillared,whereshimmeringfountainsfellandnightingalessangamongthemyrtles;
hallsofmirrorsthat
weerspiegelden
reflectedonlyhandsomeknightsandlovelywomen—herselftheloveliestofall,forwhoseblik
glancemendied.Allthatsupportedherthroughthe
verveling
boredomofherdayswasthehopeofgoingonadreamspreeatnight.Most,ifnotall,oftheStirlingswouldhavediedof
verschrikking
horroriftheyhadknownhalfthethingsValancydidinherBlueCastle.Foronethingshehadquiteafewloversinit.
Oh,onlyoneatatime.
Onewhowooedherwithalltheromanticardouroftheageofchivalryandwonherafterlong
toewijding
devotionandmanydeedsofderring-do,andwasweddedtoherwithpompandcircumstanceinthegreat,banner-hungkapel
chapeloftheBlueCastle.Attwelve,thisloverwasafair
jongen
ladwithgoldencurlsandhemelse
heavenlyblueeyes.Atfifteen,hewastallanddarkand
bleek
pale,butstillnecessarilyhandsome.Attwenty,hewasascetic,
dromerig
dreamy,spiritual.Attwenty-five,hehadaclean-cut
kaak
jaw,slightlygrim,andafacestrongandruggedratherthanhandsome.Valancynevergrewolderthantwenty-fiveinherBlueCastle,butrecently—veryrecently—herherohadhadreddish,tawnyhair,atwistedsmileanda
mysterieus
mysteriouspast.Idon’tsayValancy
opzettelijk
deliberatelymurderedtheseloversassheoutgrewthem.Onesimply
vervaagde
fadedawayasanothercame.ThingsareveryconvenientinthisrespectinBlueCastles.
But,onthismorningofherdayoffate,ValancycouldnotfindthekeyofherBlueCastle.
Realitypressedonhertoohardly,
blafte
barkingatherheelslikeamaddeninglittledog.Shewastwenty-nine,lonely,undesired,ill-favoured—theonlyhomelygirlinahandsome
clan
clan,withnopastandnofuture.Asfarasshecouldlookback,lifewasdrabandcolourless,withnotonesinglecrimsonor
paarse
purplespotanywhere.Asfarasshecouldlookforwarditseemedcertaintobejustthesameuntilshewasnothingbutasolitary,littlewithered
blad
leafclingingtoawintrybough.Themomentwhenawoman
realiseert
realisesthatshehasnothingtolivefor—neitherlove,duty,purposenorhope—holdsforherthebitterheid
bitternessofdeath.“AndIjusthavetogoonlivingbecauseIcan’tstop.
Imayhavetoliveeightyyears,”thoughtValancy,inakindofpanic.
“We’reall
verschrikkelijk
horriblylong-lived.Itsickensmetothinkofit.”
Shewasgladitwasraining—orrather,shewasdrearilysatisfiedthatitwasraining.
Therewouldbeno
picknick
picnicthatday.Thisannual
picknick
picnic,wherebyAuntandUncleWellington—onealwaysthoughtoftheminthatsuccession—inevitablycelebratedtheirverloving
engagementatapicnicthirtyyearsbefore,hadbeen,oflateyears,averitablenightmaretoValancy.Byanimpishcoincidenceitwasthesamedayasherbirthdayand,aftershehadpassedtwenty-five,nobodyletherforgetit.
Muchasshehatedgoingtothe
picknick
picnic,itwouldneverhaveoccurredtohertorebelagainstit.Thereseemedtobenothingofthe
revolutionaire
revolutionaryinhernature.Andsheknewexactlywhateveryonewouldsaytoheratthe
picknick
picnic.UncleWellington,whomshedislikedand
verachtte
despisedeventhoughhehadvervuld
fulfilledthehighestStirlingaspiration,“marryingmoney,”wouldsaytoherinapig’sfluisteren
whisper,“Notthinkingofgettingmarriedyet,mydear?”andthengooffintothebellowoflaughterwithwhichheinvariablyconcludedhis
saai
dullremarks.AuntWellington,ofwhomValancystoodinabject
ontzag
awe,wouldtellheraboutOlive’snewchiffondressandCecil’slastdevotedletter.ValancywouldhavetolookaspleasedandinterestedasifthedressandletterhadbeenhersorelseAuntWellingtonwouldbe
beledigd
offended.AndValancyhadlongagodecidedthatshewouldrather
beledigen
offendGodthanAuntWellington,becauseGodmightforgiveherbutAuntWellingtonneverwould.AuntAlberta,enormouslyfat,withanamiable
gewoonte
habitofalwaysreferringtoherhusbandas“he,”asifheweretheonlymalecreatureintheworld,whocouldneverforgetthatshehadbeenagreatbeautyinheryouth,wouldcondolewithValancyonhersallowskin—.“Idon’tknowwhyallthegirlsoftodayaresosunburned.
WhenIwasagirlmyskinwasrosesandcream.
IwascountedtheprettiestgirlinCanada,mydear.”
PerhapsUncleHerbertwouldn’tsayanything—orperhapshewouldremarkjocularly,“Howfatyou’regetting,Doss!”
Andtheneverybodywouldlaughovertheexcessivelyhumorousideaofpoor,scrawnylittleDossgettingfat.
Handsome,
plechtige
solemnUncleJames,whomValancydislikedbutrespectedbecausehewasreputedtobeverycleverandwasthereforetheclan
clanoracle—brainsbeingnonetooplentifulintheStirlingconnection—wouldprobablyopmerken
remarkwiththeowl-likesarcasmthathadwonhimhisreputation,“Isupposeyou’rebusywithyourhope-chestthesedays?”AndUncleBenjaminwouldasksomeofhis
afschuwelijke
abominableconundrums,betweenwheezychuckles,andanswerthemhimself.“WhatisthedifferencebetweenDossandamouse?
“ThemousewishestoharmthecheeseandDosswishestocharmthehe’s.”
Valancyhadheardhimaskthat
raadsel
riddlefiftytimesandeverytimeshewantedtothrowsomethingathim.Butsheneverdid.
Inthefirstplace,theStirlingssimplydidnotthrowthings;
inthesecondplace,UncleBenjaminwasa
rijke
wealthyandchildlessoldwidowerandValancyhadbeenbroughtupinthefearandadmonitionofhismoney.Ifshe
beledigde
offendedhimhewouldcutheroutofhiswill—supposingshewereinit.ValancydidnotwanttobecutoutofUncleBenjamin’swill.
Shehadbeenpoorallherlifeandknewthegalling
bitterheid
bitternessofit.Soshe
verdroeg
enduredhisriddlesandevensmiledtorturedlittlesmilesoverthem.AuntIsabel,
ronduit
downrightanddisagreeableasaneastwind,wouldcriticiseherinsomeway—Valancycouldnotvoorspellen
predictjusthow,forAuntIsabelneverrepeatedacriticism—shefoundsomethingnewwithwhichtojabyoueverytime.AuntIsabelpridedherselfonsayingwhatshethought,butdidn’tlikeitsowellwhenotherpeoplesaidwhattheythoughttoher.
Valancyneversaidwhatshethought.
CousinGeorgiana—namedafterhergreat-great-grand-mother,whohadbeennamedafterGeorgetheFourth—wouldrecountdolorouslythenamesofallrelativesandfriendswhohaddiedsincethelast
picknick
picnicandwonder“whichofuswillbethefirsttogonext.”Oppressivelycompetent,AuntMildredwouldtalkendlesslyofherhusbandandherodiousprodigiesofbabiestoValancy,becauseValancywouldbetheonlyoneshecouldfindtoputupwithit.
Forthesamereason,CousinGladys—reallyFirstCousinGladysonceremoved,accordingtothe
strikte
strictwayinwhichtheStirlingstabulatedrelationship—atall,thinladywhoadmittedshehadasensitivedisposition,wouldbeschrijven
describeminutelythetorturesofherneuritis.And
Olive
Olive,thewondergirlofthewholeStirlingclan
clan,whohadeverythingValancyhadnot—beauty,populariteit
popularity,love,—wouldshowoffherbeautyandpresumeonherpopulariteit
popularityandflauntherdiamondinsigniaofloveinValancy’sdazzled,afgunstige
enviouseyes.Therewouldbenoneofallthistoday.
Andtherewouldbenopackingupofteaspoons.
ThepackingupwasalwaysleftforValancyandCousinStickles.
Andonce,sixyearsago,asilverteaspoonfromAuntWellington’sweddingsethadbeenlost.
Valancyneverheardthelastofthatsilverteaspoon.
ItsghostappearedBanquo-likeateverysubsequentfamilyfeast.
Oh,yes,Valancyknewexactlywhatthe
picknick
picnicwouldbelikeandsheblessedtherainthathadsavedherfromit.Therewouldbeno
picknick
picnicthisyear.IfAuntWellingtoncouldnotcelebrateonthe
heilige
sacreddayitselfshewouldhavenoviering
celebrationatall.Thankwhatevergodstherewereforthat.
Sincetherewouldbeno
picknick
picnic,Valancymadeuphermindthat,iftherainheldupintheafternoon,shewouldgouptothelibraryandgetanotherofJohnFoster’sbooks.Valancywasneverallowedtoreadnovels,butJohnFoster’sbookswerenotnovels.
Theywere“naturebooks”—sothe
bibliothecaris
librariantoldMrs.FrederickStirling—“allaboutthewoodsandbirdsandbugsandthingslikethat,youknow.”SoValancywasallowedtoreadthem—under
protest
protest,foritwasonlytooduidelijk
evidentthatsheenjoyedthemtoomuch.Itwaspermissible,evenlaudable,toreadto
verbeteren
improveyourmindandyourreligion,butabookthatwasenjoyablewasdangerous.Valancydidnotknowwhetherhermindwasbeing
verbeterd
improvedornot;butshefeltvaguelythatifshehadcomeacrossJohnFoster’sbooksyearsagolifemighthavebeenadifferentthingforher.
Theyseemedtohertoyieldglimpsesofaworldintowhichshemightoncehaveentered,thoughthedoorwasforeverbarredtohernow.
ItwasonlywithinthelastyearthatJohnFoster’sbookshadbeenintheDeerwoodlibrary,thoughthe
bibliothecaris
librariantoldValancythathehadbeenawell-knownwriterforseveralyears.“Wheredoeshelive?”
Valancyhadasked.
“Nobodyknows.
FromhisbookshemustbeaCanadian,butnomoreinformationcanbehad.
Hispublisherswon’tsayaword.
QuitelikelyJohn
Foster
Fosterisanomdeplume.Hisbooksaresopopularwecan’tkeeptheminatall,thoughIreallycan’tseewhatpeoplefindinthemtoraveover.”
“Ithinkthey’rewonderful,”saidValancy,timidly.
“Oh—well—”
MissClarksonsmiledinapatronisingfashionthatrelegatedValancy’sopinionstolimbo,“Ican’tsayIcaremuchforbugsmyself.
Butcertainly
Foster
Fosterseemstoknowallthereistoknowaboutthem.”Valancydidn’tknowwhethershecaredmuchforbugseither.
ItwasnotJohnFoster’suncannyknowledgeofwildcreaturesandinsectlifethatenthralledher.
Shecouldhardlysaywhatitwas—sometantalising
lokmiddel
lureofamysteryneverrevealed—somehint
hintofagreatsecretjustalittlefurtheron—somezwakke
faint,elusiveechooflovely,forgottenthings—JohnFoster’smagicwasindefinable.Yes,shewouldgetanew
Foster
Fosterbook.ItwasamonthsinceshehadThistleHarvest,sosurelyMothercouldnotobject.
Valancyhadreaditfourtimes—sheknewwholepassagesoffbyheart.
And—shealmostthoughtshewouldgoandseeDr.Trentaboutthatqueerpainaroundtheheart.
Ithadcomeratheroftenlately,andthepalpitationswerebecoming
vervelend
annoying,nottospeakofanoccasionalduizelig
dizzymomentandaqueershortnessofbreath.Butcouldshegotoseehimwithouttellinganyone?
Itwasamostdaringthought.
NoneoftheStirlingseverconsultedadoctorwithoutholdingafamilycouncilandgettingUncleJames’
goedkeuring
approval.Then,theywenttoDr.Ambrose
Marsh
MarshofPortLawrence,whohadmarriedSecondCousinAdelaideStirling.ButValancydislikedDr.Ambrose
Marsh
Marsh.And,besides,shecouldnotgettoPortLawrence,fifteenmilesaway,withoutbeingtakenthere.
Shedidnotwantanyonetoknowaboutherheart.
Therewouldbesucha
ophef
fussmadeandeverymemberofthefamilywouldcomedownandtalkitoverandadviseren
adviseherandcautionherandwarnherandtellherhorribletalesofgreat-auntsandcousinsfortytimesremovedwhohadbeen“justlikethat”and“droppeddeadwithoutamoment’swarning,mydear.”AuntIsabelwouldrememberthatshehadalwayssaidDosslookedlikeagirlwhowouldhavehearttrouble—“sopinchedandpeakedalways”;
andUncleWellingtonwouldtakeitasapersonal
belediging
insult,when“noStirlingeverhadheartdiseasebefore”;andGeorgianawouldforebodeinperfectlyaudibleasidesthat“poor,dearlittleDossisn’tlongforthisworld,I’mafraid”;
andCousinGladyswouldsay,“Why,myhearthasbeenlikethatforyears,”inatonethat
impliceerde
impliednooneelsehadanybusinesseventohaveaheart;andOlive—Olivewould
alleen
merelylookbeautifulandsuperioranddisgustinglyhealthy,asiftosay,“Whyallthisophef
fussoverafadedsuperfluitylikeDosswhenyouhaveme?”Valancyfeltthatshecouldn’ttellanybodyunlessshehadto.
Shefeltquitesuretherewasnothingatallseriouslywrongwithherheartandnoneedofallthepotherthatwouldensueifshementionedit.
ShewouldjustslipupquietlyandseeDr.Trentthatveryday.
Asforhisbill,shehadthetwohundreddollarsthatherfatherhadputinthebankforherthedayshewasborn.
Shewasneverallowedtouseeventheinterestofthis,butshewouldsecretlytakeoutenoughtopayDr.Trent.
Dr.
Trentwasagruff,outspoken,absent-mindedoldfellow,buthewasa
erkende
recognisedauthorityonheartdisease,evenifhewereonlyageneralpractitionerinout-of-the-worldDeerwood.Dr.Trentwasoverseventyandtherehadbeenrumoursthathemeantto
pensioen
retiresoon.NoneoftheStirling
clan
clanhadevergonetohimsincehehadtoldCousinGladys,tenyearsbefore,thatherneuritiswasalldenkbeeldig
imaginaryandthatsheenjoyedit.Youcouldn’tpatroniseadoctorwho
beledigde
insultedyourfirst-cousin-once-removedlikethat—nottomentionthathewasaPresbyterianwhenalltheStirlingswenttotheAnglicanchurch.Hoofdstuk
CHAPTERIIWhenCousinSticklesknockedatherdoor,Valancyknewitwashalf-pastsevenandshemustgetup.
Aslongasshecouldremember,CousinStickleshadknockedatherdoorathalf-pastseven.
CousinSticklesandMrs.FrederickStirlinghadbeenupsinceseven,butValancywasallowedtolieabedhalfanhourlongerbecauseofafamilytraditionthatshewasdelicate.
Valancygotup,thoughshehatedgettingupmorethismorningthanevershehadbefore.