Notes from the Underground | Progressively Translated Dutch A1 Books

Notes from the Underground | Progressively Translated Dutch A1 Books

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I
Iamasick
man
man...
.
Iamaspiteful
man
man
.
Iamanunattractive
man
man
.
Ibelievemyliverisdiseased.
However,I
weet
know
nothingatallaboutmydisease,
en
and
donotknowforcertainwhatails
mij
me
.
Idon’tconsulta
dokter
doctor
forit,andnever
heb
have
,thoughIhavearespectformedicine
en
and
doctors.
Besides,Iamextremelysuperstitious,sufficientlysotorespectmedicine,
ieder geval
anyway
(Iamwell-educatedenoughnottobesuperstitious,
maar
but
Iamsuperstitious).
No,Irefusetoconsult
een
a
doctorfromspite.
Thatyou
waarschijnlijk
probably
willnotunderstand.
Well,I
begrijp
understand
it,though.
Ofcourse,Ican’texplainwhoitispreciselythatIammortifyingin
dit
this
casebymyspite:
Iamperfectly
goed
well
awarethatIcannot“payout”
de
the
doctorsbynotconsulting
hen
them
;
Iknowbetterthan
niemand
anyone
thatbyallthisIam
alleen
only
injuringmyselfandnooneelse.
Maar
But
still,ifIdon’tconsulta
dokter
doctor
itisfromspite.
Myliveris
slecht
bad
,well—letitgetworse!
Ihavebeen
ga
going
onlikethatfor
een
a
longtime—twentyyears.
NowIamforty.
Iusedtobein
de
the
governmentservice,butamnolonger.
Iwas
een
a
spitefulofficial.
Iwasrude
en
and
tookpleasureinbeingso.
Ididnot
nam
take
bribes,yousee,soIwasboundto
vinden
find
arecompenseinthat,atleast.
(Apoorjest,
maar
but
Iwillnotscratchitout.
I
schreef
wrote
itthinkingitwould
klinken
sound
verywitty;
butnow
dat
that
Ihaveseenmyself
dat
that
Ionlywantedtoshowoffin
een
a
despicableway,Iwillnotscratchitoutonpurpose!)
Whenpetitionersusedto
kwamen
come
forinformationtothetableatwhichI
zat
sat
,Iusedtogrindmyteethat
hen
them
,andfeltintenseenjoymentwhenIsucceededin
maken
making
anybodyunhappy.
Ialmostdidsucceed.
For
het
the
mostparttheywerealltimidpeople—of
natuurlijk
course
,theywerepetitioners.
Butoftheuppishones
er
there
wasoneofficerinparticularI
kon
could
notendure.
Hesimplywouldnotbehumble,
en
and
clankedhisswordin
een
a
disgustingway.
Icarriedon
een
a
feudwithhimforeighteenmonthsover
dat
that
sword.
AtlastIgotthebetterof
hem
him
.
Heleftoffclankingit.
Dat
That
happenedinmyyouth,though.
Maar
But
doyouknow,gentlemen,whatwas
het
the
chiefpointaboutmyspite?
Waarom
Why
,thewholepoint,the
echte
real
stingofitlayinthe
feit
fact
thatcontinually,eveninthe
moment
moment
oftheacutestspleen,Iwasinwardlyconscious
met
with
shamethatIwasnot
alleen
only
notaspitefulbutnot
zelfs
even
anembitteredman,thatIwassimplyscaringsparrowsatrandom
en
and
amusingmyselfbyit.
Imightfoamatthemouth,
maar
but
bringmeadollto
spelen
play
with,givemeacupoftea
met
with
sugarinit,andmaybeI
moet
should
beappeased.
Imight
zelfs
even
begenuinelytouched,though
waarschijnlijk
probably
Ishouldgrindmyteethatmyselfafterwards
en
and
lieawakeatnightwithshameformonths
na
after
.
Thatwasmyway.
Iwas
loog
lying
whenIsaidjustnow
dat
that
Iwasaspitefulofficial.
Iwas
loog
lying
fromspite.
Iwassimplyamusingmyself
met
with
thepetitionersandwith
de
the
officer,andinrealityI
nooit
never
couldbecomespiteful.
Iwasconscious
elk
every
momentinmyselfof
veel
many
,verymanyelementsabsolutelyoppositeto
die
that
.
Ifeltthempositivelyswarmingin
mij
me
,theseoppositeelements.
I
wist
knew
thattheyhadbeenswarminginmeallmy
leven
life
andcravingsomeoutletfrom
mij
me
,butIwouldnot
laten
let
them,wouldnotletthem,purposelywouldnot
laten
let
themcomeout.
TheytormentedmetillIwasashamed:
theydrovemetoconvulsionsand—sickened
me
me
,atlast,howtheysickened
me
me
!
Now,arenotyoufancying,gentlemen,
dat
that
Iamexpressingremorsefor
iets
something
now,thatIam
vraag
asking
yourforgivenessforsomething?
Iam
zeker
sure
youarefancyingthat...
However,IassureyouIdonot
schelen
care
ifyouare....
Itwasnot
alleen
only
thatIcouldnot
worden
become
spiteful,Ididnot
wist
know
howtobecomeanything;
neitherspitefulnor
vriendelijke
kind
,neitherarascalnoranhonest
man
man
,neitheraheronoraninsect.
Nu
Now
,Iamlivingoutmylifeinmycorner,tauntingmyself
met
with
thespitefulanduselessconsolation
dat
that
anintelligentmancannot
worden
become
anythingseriously,anditis
alleen
only
thefoolwhobecomesanything.
Ja
Yes
,amaninthenineteenthcenturymust
en
and
morallyoughttobepre-eminently
een
a
characterlesscreature;
amanofcharacter,anactive
man
man
ispre-eminentlyalimitedcreature.
Dat
That
ismyconvictionoffortyyears.
Iamfortyyears
oud
old
now,andyouknowfortyyearsis
een
a
wholelifetime;
youknowitisextremeoldage.
To
leven
live
longerthanfortyyearsis
slecht
bad
manners,isvulgar,immoral.
Wie
Who
doeslivebeyondforty?
Antwoord
Answer
that,sincerelyandhonestlyI
zal
will
tellyouwhodo:
fools
en
and
worthlessfellows.
Itellall
oude
old
menthattotheir
gezicht
face
,allthesevenerableoldmen,allthesesilver-haired
en
and
reverendseniors!
Itellthe
hele
whole
worldthattoits
gezicht
face
!
Ihavearightto
zeggen
say
so,forIshallgoon
leven
living
tosixtymyself.
Toseventy!
Toeighty!
Blijf
Stay
,letmetakebreath...
Youimagine
geen
no
doubt,gentlemen,thatI
wil
want
toamuseyou.
Youaremistakeninthat,too.
Iambynomeanssuchamirthful
persoon
person
asyouimagine,orasyoumayimagine;
however,irritatedby
al
all
thisbabble(andI
voel
feel
thatyouareirritated)youthinkfitto
vragen
ask
mewhoIam—thenmy
antwoord
answer
is,Iamacollegiateassessor.
Iwasin
de
the
servicethatImighthave
iets
something
toeat(andsolelyfor
die
that
reason),andwhenlast
jaar
year
adistantrelationleftmesixthousandroublesinhiswillIimmediatelyretiredfrom
de
the
serviceandsettleddowninmycorner.
Iusedto
woonde
live
inthiscornerbefore,
maar
but
nowIhavesettleddowninit.
My
kamer
room
isawretched,horridonein
de
the
outskirtsofthetown.
Myservantisan
oude
old
country-woman,ill-naturedfromstupidity,
en
and
,moreover,thereisalwaysanastysmell
over
about
her.
Iamtold
dat
that
thePetersburgclimateis
slecht
bad
forme,andthat
met
with
mysmallmeansitis
erg
very
expensivetoliveinPetersburg.
I
weet
know
allthatbetterthan
al
all
thesesageandexperiencedcounsellors
en
and
monitors....
ButIamremaininginPetersburg;
Iamnot
ga
going
awayfromPetersburg!
Iamnot
ga
going
awaybecause...
ech!
Why,itisabsolutelynomatterwhetherIamgoingawayornotgoingaway.
Maar
But
whatcanadecent
man
man
speakofwithmostpleasure?
Antwoord
Answer
:
Ofhimself.
II
I
wilt
want
nowtotellyou,gentlemen,whetheryoucareto
horen
hear
itornot,whyI
kon
could
notevenbecomeaninsect.
I
zeg
tell
yousolemnly,thatI
heb
have
manytimestriedto
worden
become
aninsect.
ButIwasnotequal
zelfs
even
tothat.
Iswear,gentlemen,
dat
that
tobetooconsciousis
een
an
illness—arealthorough-goingillness.
Forman’severydayneeds,it
zou
would
havebeenquiteenoughto
hebben
have
theordinaryhumanconsciousness,thatis,
helft
half
oraquarteroftheamountwhich
valt
falls
tothelotofacultivatedmanofourunhappynineteenthcentury,especiallyonewhohasthefatalill-lucktoinhabitPetersburg,the
meest
most
theoreticalandintentionaltownonthe
hele
whole
terrestrialglobe.
(Thereareintentional
en
and
unintentionaltowns.)
Itwould
hebben
have
beenquiteenough,forinstance,to
hebben
have
theconsciousnessbywhich
alle
all
so-calleddirectpersonsandmenofaction
leven
live
.
IbetyouthinkIam
schrijf
writing
allthisfromaffectation,tobewittyattheexpenseofmenofaction;
en
and
whatismore,thatfromill-bredaffectation,Iamclanking
een
a
swordlikemyofficer.
Maar
But
,gentlemen,whoevercanpridehimselfonhisdiseases
en
and
evenswaggeroverthem?
Though,afterall,
iedereen
everyone
doesdothat;
peopledopridethemselvesontheirdiseases,
en
and
Ido,maybe,
meer
more
thananyone.
Wewillnotdispute
het
it
;
mycontentionwasabsurd.
ButyetIamfirmlypersuaded
dat
that
agreatdealofconsciousness,
elke
every
sortofconsciousness,infact,is
een
a
disease.
Isticktothat.
Letusleave
dat
that
,too,foraminute.
Zeg
Tell
methis:
whydoesit
gebeurt
happen
thatatthevery,
ja
yes
,attheverymomentswhenIam
meest
most
capableoffeelingeveryrefinementofall
dat
that
is“sublimeandbeautiful,”astheyusedtosayatonetime,it
zou
would
,asthoughofdesign,
gebeurt
happen
tomenotonlyto
voelen
feel
buttodosuchuglythings,
zulke
such
that...
Well,inshort,actions
die
that
all,perhaps,commit;
butwhich,asthoughpurposely,occurredtomeat
het
the
verytimewhenIwas
meest
most
consciousthattheyoughtnottobecommitted.
The
meer
more
consciousIwasofgoodness
en
and
ofallthatwas“sublime
en
and
beautiful,”themoredeeplyIsankintomymire
en
and
themorereadyIwastosinkinitaltogether.
Maar
But
thechiefpointwas
dat
that
allthiswas,asitwere,notaccidentalin
mij
me
,butasthoughitwereboundtobeso.
Itwasasthoughitweremy
meest
most
normalcondition,andnotintheleastdisease
of
or
depravity,sothatatlast
alle
all
desireinmetostruggle
tegen
against
thisdepravitypassed.
Itendedbymy
bijna
almost
believing(perhapsactuallybelieving)
dat
that
thiswasperhapsmynormalcondition.
Maar
But
atfirst,inthebeginning,whatagoniesIenduredin
die
that
struggle!
Ididnot
geloofde
believe
itwasthesame
met
with
otherpeople,andallmy
leven
life
Ihidthisfact
over
about
myselfasasecret.
Iwasashamed(even
nu
now
,perhaps,Iamashamed):
Igottothe
punt
point
offeelingasortofsecretabnormal,despicableenjoymentin
terugkeren
returning
hometomycorneronsomedisgustingPetersburg
nacht
night
,acutelyconsciousthatthat
dag
day
Ihadcommittedaloathsomeaction
weer
again
,thatwhatwasdone
kon
could
neverbeundone,andsecretly,inwardlygnawing,gnawingatmyselfforit,tearing
en
and
consumingmyselftillatlastthebitternessturnedinto
een
a
sortofshamefulaccursedsweetness,
en
and
atlast—intopositiverealenjoyment!
Ja
Yes
,intoenjoyment,intoenjoyment!
Iinsistuponthat.
I
heb
have
spokenofthisbecauseIkeep
wil
wanting
toknowforafactwhether
andere
other
peoplefeelsuchenjoyment?
I
zal
will
explain;
theenjoymentwas
gewoon
just
fromthetoointenseconsciousnessofone’s
eigen
own
degradation;
itwasfrom
gevoel
feeling
oneselfthatonehadreachedthe
laatste
last
barrier,thatitwashorrible,
maar
but
thatitcouldnotbeotherwise;
dat
that
therewasnoescapeforyou;
dat
that
younevercouldbecome
een
a
differentman;
thateven
als
if
timeandfaithwerestillleftyouto
veranderen
change
intosomethingdifferentyou
zou
would
mostlikelynotwishto
veranderen
change
;
orifyoudid
willen
wish
to,eventhenyou
zou
would
donothing;
becauseperhapsinreality
er
there
wasnothingforyouto
veranderen
change
into.
Andtheworstofitwas,
en
and
therootofitall,thatitwasallinaccord
met
with
thenormalfundamentallawsofover-acuteconsciousness,
en
and
withtheinertiathatwasthedirectresultofthoselaws,
en
and
thatconsequentlyonewasnot
alleen
only
unabletochangebut
kon
could
doabsolutelynothing.
Thusit
zou
would
follow,astheresultofacuteconsciousness,
dat
that
oneisnottoblameinbeingascoundrel;
asthough
dat
that
wereanyconsolationto
de
the
scoundreloncehehascometorealise
dat
that
heactuallyisascoundrel.
Maar
But
enough....
Ech,Ihavetalkeda
veel
lot
ofnonsense,butwhat
heb
have
Iexplained?
Howisenjoymentinthistobeexplained?
Maar
But
Iwillexplainit.
I
zal
will
gettothebottomofit!
ThatiswhyI
heb
have
takenupmypen....
Ik
I
,forinstance,haveagreatdealofamourpropre.
Iamassuspicious
en
and
pronetotakeoffenceas
een
a
humpbackoradwarf.
Maar
But
uponmywordI
soms
sometimes
havehadmomentswhenifIhadhappenedtobeslappedinthe
gezicht
face
Ishould,perhaps,havebeenpositivelygladofit.
I
zeg
say
,inearnest,thatIshould
waarschijnlijk
probably
havebeenabletodiscover
zelfs
even
inthatapeculiar
soort
sort
ofenjoyment—theenjoyment,of
natuurlijk
course
,ofdespair;
butindespair
er
there
arethemostintenseenjoyments,especially
als
when
oneisveryacutelyconsciousof
de
the
hopelessnessofone’sposition.
En
And
whenoneisslappedin
het
the
face—whythentheconsciousnessofbeingrubbedintoapulp
zou
would
positivelyoverwhelmone.
Theworstofit
is
is
,lookatitwhichway
men
one
will,itstillturnsout
dat
that
Iwasalwaysthemosttoblamein
alles
everything
.
Andwhatismosthumiliatingofall,toblamefor
geen
no
faultofmyown
maar
but
,sotosay,throughthelawsofnature.
In
de
the
firstplace,toblame
omdat
because
Iamclevererthananyof
de
the
peoplesurroundingme.
(I
heb
have
alwaysconsideredmyselfcleverer
dan
than
anyofthepeoplesurrounding
me
me
,andsometimes,wouldyou
geloven
believe
it,havebeenpositivelyashamedofit.
Atanyrate,I
heb
have
allmylife,asitwere,turnedmyeyesaway
en
and
nevercouldlookpeoplestraightinthe
gezicht
face.)
Toblame,finally,because
zelfs
even
ifIhadhadmagnanimity,Ishould
alleen
only
havehadmoresufferingfromthesenseofitsuselessness.
Ishouldcertainly
hebben
have
neverbeenableto
doen
do
anythingfrombeingmagnanimous—neithertoforgive,formyassailant
zou
would
perhapshaveslappedmefrom
de
the
lawsofnature,and
men
one
cannotforgivethelawsofnature;
norto
vergeten
forget
,forevenifitwereowingtothelawsofnature,itisinsultingallthesame.
Finally,
zelfs
even
ifIhadwantedtobe
iets
anything
butmagnanimous,haddesiredon
het
the
contrarytorevengemyselfonmyassailant,I
kunnen
could
nothaverevengedmyselfonanyonefor
iets
anything
becauseIshouldcertainly
nooit
never
havemadeupmymindto
doen
do
anything,evenifIhadbeenable
te
to
.
WhyshouldInot
had
have
madeupmymind?
III
Met
With
peoplewhoknowhowtorevengethemselves
en
and
tostandupforthemselvesingeneral,
hoe
how
isitdone?
Why,
als
when
theyarepossessed,letussuppose,bythe
gevoel
feeling
ofrevenge,thenforthe
tijd
time
thereisnothingelsebut
dat
that
feelingleftintheir
hele
whole
being.
Suchagentlemansimplydashesstraightforhisobject
als
like
aninfuriatedbullwithitshornsdown,
en
and
nothingbutawall
zal
will
stophim.
(Bytheway:
facing
de
the
wall,suchgentlemen—thatis,
de
the
“direct”personsandmenofaction—aregenuinelynonplussed.
Forthemawallisnotanevasion,asforus
mensen
people
whothinkandconsequently
doen
do
nothing;
itisnotan
excuus
excuse
forturningaside,an
excuus
excuse
forwhichweare
altijd
always
veryglad,thoughwescarcely
geloven
believe
initourselves,asarule.
Nee
No
,theyarenonplussedin
alle
all
sincerity.
Thewallhasforthem
iets
something
tranquillising,morallysoothing,final—maybe
zelfs
even
somethingmysterious...
butof
de
the
walllater.)
Well,suchadirect
persoon
person
Iregardasthe
echte
real
normalman,ashistender
moeder
mother
naturewishedtoseehimwhenshegraciously
bracht
brought
himintobeingon
de
the
earth.
Ienvysucha
man
man
tillIamgreenin
het
the
face.
Heisstupid.
Iamnotdisputing
dat
that
,butperhapsthenormal
man
man
shouldbestupid,howdoyou
weet
know
?
Perhapsitisvery
mooi
beautiful
,infact.
AndIamthe
meer
more
persuadedofthatsuspicion,ifone
kan
can
callitso,bythe
feit
fact
thatifyoutake,forinstance,theantithesisofthenormalman,that
is
is
,themanofacuteconsciousness,whohas
gekomen
come
,ofcourse,notoutofthelapofnature
maar
but
outofaretort(thisis
bijna
almost
mysticism,gentlemen,butIsuspectthis,
te
too)
,thisretort-mademanis
soms
sometimes
sononplussedinthepresenceofhisantithesisthat
met
with
allhisexaggeratedconsciousnesshegenuinely
denkt
thinks
ofhimselfasamouse
en
and
notaman.
It
kan
may
beanacutelyconsciousmouse,
maar
yet
itisamouse,
terwijl
while
theotherisa
man
man
,andtherefore,etcaetera,etcaetera.
En
And
theworstofit
is
is
,hehimself,hisvery
eigen
own
self,looksonhimselfas
een
a
mouse;
nooneaskshimto
doen
do
so;
andthatis
een
an
importantpoint.
Nowletus
kijken
look
atthismouseinaction.
Laten
Let
ussuppose,forinstance,
dat
that
itfeelsinsulted,too
En
(and
italmostalwaysdoes
voelt
feel
insulted),andwantstorevengeitself,too.
Er
There
mayevenbeagreateraccumulationofspiteinit
dan
than
inl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.
Thebase
en
and
nastydesiretovent
die
that
spiteonitsassailantrankles
misschien
perhaps
evenmorenastilyinit
dan
than
inl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.
For
door
through
hisinnatestupiditythelatterlooksuponhisrevengeasjusticepure
en
and
simple;
whileinconsequenceofhisacuteconsciousness
de
the
mousedoesnotbelievein
de
the
justiceofit.
To
komen
come
atlasttothedeeditself,to
de
the
veryactofrevenge.
Apartfrom
de
the
onefundamentalnastinessthelucklessmousesucceedsincreatingarounditsomany
andere
other
nastinessesintheformofdoubts
en
and
questions,addstotheone
vraag
question
somanyunsettledquestionsthat
er
there
inevitablyworksuparoundita
soort
sort
offatalbrew,astinkingmess,madeupofitsdoubts,emotions,
en
and
ofthecontemptspatuponitby
de
the
directmenofactionwho
staan
stand
solemnlyaboutitasjudges
en
and
arbitrators,laughingatittilltheirhealthysidesache.
Of
natuurlijk
course
theonlythingleftforitistodismissall
dat
that
withawaveofitspaw,
en
and
,withasmileofassumedcontemptin
waarin
which
itdoesnotevenitself
geloven
believe
,creepignominiouslyintoitsmouse-hole.
Daar
There
initsnasty,stinking,underground
thuis
home
ourinsulted,crushedandridiculedmousepromptly
wordt
becomes
absorbedincold,malignant
en
and
,aboveall,everlastingspite.
Forfortyyearstogetherit
zal
will
rememberitsinjurydowntothesmallest,
meest
most
ignominiousdetails,andevery
keer
time
willadd,ofitself,detailsstill
meer
more
ignominious,spitefullyteasingandtormentingitself
met
with
itsownimagination.
It
zal
will
itselfbeashamedofitsimaginings,butyetit
zal
will
recallitall,it
zal
will
gooverandover
elk
every
detail,itwillinventunheardofthings
tegen
against
itself,pretendingthatthosethings
kunnen
might
happen,andwillforgive
niets
nothing
.
Maybeitwillbegintorevengeitself,too,
maar
but
,asitwere,piecemeal,intrivialways,from
achter
behind
thestove,incognito,without
geloven
believing
eitherinitsown
recht
right
tovengeance,orinthesuccessofitsrevenge,knowing
dat
that
fromallitseffortsatrevengeit
zal
will
sufferahundredtimes
meer
more
thanheonwhomitrevengesitself,
terwijl
while
he,Idaresay,willnot
eens
even
scratchhimself.
Onitsdeathbedit
zal
will
recallitallover
opnieuw
again
,withinterestaccumulatedoveralltheyears
en
and
...
Butitisjustinthat
koude
cold
,abominablehalfdespair,halfbelief,inthatconsciousburyingoneself
levend
alive
forgriefintheunderworldforfortyyears,inthatacutelyrecognised
en
and
yetpartlydoubtfulhopelessnessofone’sposition,inthat
hel
hell
ofunsatisfieddesiresturnedinward,inthatfeverofoscillations,ofresolutionsdeterminedforever
en
and
repentedofagaina
minuut
minute
later—thatthesavourofthatstrangeenjoymentofwhichI
heb
have
spokenlies.
Itissosubtle,sodifficultofanalysis,thatpersonswhoare
een
a
littlelimited,orevensimplypersonsofstrongnerves,
zullen
will
notunderstandasingleatomof
het
it
.
“Possibly,”youwilladdonyour
eigen
own
accountwithagrin,“people
zullen
will
notunderstanditeitherwhohaveneverreceivedaslapintheface,”
en
and
inthatwayyou
zullen
will
politelyhinttomethat
Ik
I
,too,perhaps,havehadtheexperienceofaslapinthe
gezicht
face
inmylife,andsoI
spreek
speak
asonewhoknows.
Ibet
dat
that
youarethinkingthat.
Maar
But
setyourmindsat
rust
rest
,gentlemen,Ihavenotreceived
een
a
slapintheface,thoughitisabsolutely
een
a
matterofindifferencetomewhatyoumay
denkt
think
aboutit.
Possibly,I
zelfs
even
regret,myself,thatI
heb
have
givensofewslapsin
het
the
faceduringmylife.
Maar
But
enough...
notanother
woord
word
onthatsubjectofsuchextremeinteresttoyou.
I
zal
will
continuecalmlyconcerningpersons
met
with
strongnerveswhodonot
begrijpen
understand
acertainrefinementofenjoyment.
Thoughincertaincircumstancesthesegentlemenbellowtheirloudestlikebulls,thoughthis,
laten
let
ussuppose,doesthemthegreatestcredit,
toch
yet
,asIhavesaid
al
already
,confrontedwiththeimpossibletheysubsideatonce.
Theimpossible
betekent
means
thestonewall!
Whatstonewall?
Why,of
natuurlijk
course
,thelawsofnature,
de
the
deductionsofnaturalscience,mathematics.