I
Iamasick
man
man....Iamaspiteful
man
man.Iamanunattractive
man
man.Ibelievemyliverisdiseased.
However,I
weet
knownothingatallaboutmydisease,en
anddonotknowforcertainwhatailsmij
me.Idon’tconsulta
dokter
doctorforit,andneverheb
have,thoughIhavearespectformedicineen
anddoctors.Besides,Iamextremelysuperstitious,sufficientlysotorespectmedicine,
ieder geval
anyway(Iamwell-educatedenoughnottobesuperstitious,maar
butIamsuperstitious).No,Irefusetoconsult
een
adoctorfromspite.Thatyou
waarschijnlijk
probablywillnotunderstand.Well,I
begrijp
understandit,though.Ofcourse,Ican’texplainwhoitispreciselythatIammortifyingin
dit
thiscasebymyspite:Iamperfectly
goed
wellawarethatIcannot“payout”de
thedoctorsbynotconsultinghen
them;Iknowbetterthan
niemand
anyonethatbyallthisIamalleen
onlyinjuringmyselfandnooneelse.Maar
Butstill,ifIdon’tconsultadokter
doctoritisfromspite.Myliveris
slecht
bad,well—letitgetworse!Ihavebeen
ga
goingonlikethatforeen
alongtime—twentyyears.NowIamforty.
Iusedtobein
de
thegovernmentservice,butamnolonger.Iwas
een
aspitefulofficial.Iwasrude
en
andtookpleasureinbeingso.Ididnot
nam
takebribes,yousee,soIwasboundtovinden
findarecompenseinthat,atleast.(Apoorjest,
maar
butIwillnotscratchitout.I
schreef
wroteitthinkingitwouldklinken
soundverywitty;butnow
dat
thatIhaveseenmyselfdat
thatIonlywantedtoshowoffineen
adespicableway,Iwillnotscratchitoutonpurpose!)Whenpetitionersusedto
kwamen
comeforinformationtothetableatwhichIzat
sat,Iusedtogrindmyteethathen
them,andfeltintenseenjoymentwhenIsucceededinmaken
makinganybodyunhappy.Ialmostdidsucceed.
For
het
themostparttheywerealltimidpeople—ofnatuurlijk
course,theywerepetitioners.Butoftheuppishones
er
therewasoneofficerinparticularIkon
couldnotendure.Hesimplywouldnotbehumble,
en
andclankedhisswordineen
adisgustingway.Icarriedon
een
afeudwithhimforeighteenmonthsoverdat
thatsword.AtlastIgotthebetterof
hem
him.Heleftoffclankingit.
Dat
Thathappenedinmyyouth,though.Maar
Butdoyouknow,gentlemen,whatwashet
thechiefpointaboutmyspite?Waarom
Why,thewholepoint,theechte
realstingofitlayinthefeit
factthatcontinually,eveninthemoment
momentoftheacutestspleen,Iwasinwardlyconsciousmet
withshamethatIwasnotalleen
onlynotaspitefulbutnotzelfs
evenanembitteredman,thatIwassimplyscaringsparrowsatrandomen
andamusingmyselfbyit.Imightfoamatthemouth,
maar
butbringmeadolltospelen
playwith,givemeacupofteamet
withsugarinit,andmaybeImoet
shouldbeappeased.Imight
zelfs
evenbegenuinelytouched,thoughwaarschijnlijk
probablyIshouldgrindmyteethatmyselfafterwardsen
andlieawakeatnightwithshameformonthsna
after.Thatwasmyway.
Iwas
loog
lyingwhenIsaidjustnowdat
thatIwasaspitefulofficial.Iwas
loog
lyingfromspite.Iwassimplyamusingmyself
met
withthepetitionersandwithde
theofficer,andinrealityInooit
nevercouldbecomespiteful.Iwasconscious
elk
everymomentinmyselfofveel
many,verymanyelementsabsolutelyoppositetodie
that.Ifeltthempositivelyswarmingin
mij
me,theseoppositeelements.I
wist
knewthattheyhadbeenswarminginmeallmyleven
lifeandcravingsomeoutletfrommij
me,butIwouldnotlaten
letthem,wouldnotletthem,purposelywouldnotlaten
letthemcomeout.TheytormentedmetillIwasashamed:
theydrovemetoconvulsionsand—sickened
me
me,atlast,howtheysickenedme
me!Now,arenotyoufancying,gentlemen,
dat
thatIamexpressingremorseforiets
somethingnow,thatIamvraag
askingyourforgivenessforsomething?Iam
zeker
sureyouarefancyingthat...However,IassureyouIdonot
schelen
careifyouare....Itwasnot
alleen
onlythatIcouldnotworden
becomespiteful,Ididnotwist
knowhowtobecomeanything;neitherspitefulnor
vriendelijke
kind,neitherarascalnoranhonestman
man,neitheraheronoraninsect.Nu
Now,Iamlivingoutmylifeinmycorner,tauntingmyselfmet
withthespitefulanduselessconsolationdat
thatanintelligentmancannotworden
becomeanythingseriously,anditisalleen
onlythefoolwhobecomesanything.Ja
Yes,amaninthenineteenthcenturymusten
andmorallyoughttobepre-eminentlyeen
acharacterlesscreature;amanofcharacter,anactive
man
manispre-eminentlyalimitedcreature.Dat
Thatismyconvictionoffortyyears.Iamfortyyears
oud
oldnow,andyouknowfortyyearsiseen
awholelifetime;youknowitisextremeoldage.
To
leven
livelongerthanfortyyearsisslecht
badmanners,isvulgar,immoral.Wie
Whodoeslivebeyondforty?Antwoord
Answerthat,sincerelyandhonestlyIzal
willtellyouwhodo:fools
en
andworthlessfellows.Itellall
oude
oldmenthattotheirgezicht
face,allthesevenerableoldmen,allthesesilver-haireden
andreverendseniors!Itellthe
hele
wholeworldthattoitsgezicht
face!Ihavearightto
zeggen
sayso,forIshallgoonleven
livingtosixtymyself.Toseventy!
Toeighty!
Blijf
Stay,letmetakebreath...Youimagine
geen
nodoubt,gentlemen,thatIwil
wanttoamuseyou.Youaremistakeninthat,too.
Iambynomeanssuchamirthful
persoon
personasyouimagine,orasyoumayimagine;however,irritatedby
al
allthisbabble(andIvoel
feelthatyouareirritated)youthinkfittovragen
askmewhoIam—thenmyantwoord
answeris,Iamacollegiateassessor.Iwasin
de
theservicethatImighthaveiets
somethingtoeat(andsolelyfordie
thatreason),andwhenlastjaar
yearadistantrelationleftmesixthousandroublesinhiswillIimmediatelyretiredfromde
theserviceandsettleddowninmycorner.Iusedto
woonde
liveinthiscornerbefore,maar
butnowIhavesettleddowninit.My
kamer
roomisawretched,horridoneinde
theoutskirtsofthetown.Myservantisan
oude
oldcountry-woman,ill-naturedfromstupidity,en
and,moreover,thereisalwaysanastysmellover
abouther.Iamtold
dat
thatthePetersburgclimateisslecht
badforme,andthatmet
withmysmallmeansitiserg
veryexpensivetoliveinPetersburg.I
weet
knowallthatbetterthanal
allthesesageandexperiencedcounsellorsen
andmonitors....ButIamremaininginPetersburg;
Iamnot
ga
goingawayfromPetersburg!Iamnot
ga
goingawaybecause...ech!
Why,itisabsolutelynomatterwhetherIamgoingawayornotgoingaway.
Maar
Butwhatcanadecentman
manspeakofwithmostpleasure?Antwoord
Answer:Ofhimself.
II
I
wilt
wantnowtotellyou,gentlemen,whetheryoucaretohoren
hearitornot,whyIkon
couldnotevenbecomeaninsect.I
zeg
tellyousolemnly,thatIheb
havemanytimestriedtoworden
becomeaninsect.ButIwasnotequal
zelfs
eventothat.Iswear,gentlemen,
dat
thattobetooconsciousiseen
anillness—arealthorough-goingillness.Forman’severydayneeds,it
zou
wouldhavebeenquiteenoughtohebben
havetheordinaryhumanconsciousness,thatis,helft
halforaquarteroftheamountwhichvalt
fallstothelotofacultivatedmanofourunhappynineteenthcentury,especiallyonewhohasthefatalill-lucktoinhabitPetersburg,themeest
mosttheoreticalandintentionaltownonthehele
wholeterrestrialglobe.(Thereareintentional
en
andunintentionaltowns.)Itwould
hebben
havebeenquiteenough,forinstance,tohebben
havetheconsciousnessbywhichalle
allso-calleddirectpersonsandmenofactionleven
live.IbetyouthinkIam
schrijf
writingallthisfromaffectation,tobewittyattheexpenseofmenofaction;en
andwhatismore,thatfromill-bredaffectation,Iamclankingeen
aswordlikemyofficer.Maar
But,gentlemen,whoevercanpridehimselfonhisdiseasesen
andevenswaggeroverthem?Though,afterall,
iedereen
everyonedoesdothat;peopledopridethemselvesontheirdiseases,
en
andIdo,maybe,meer
morethananyone.Wewillnotdispute
het
it;mycontentionwasabsurd.
ButyetIamfirmlypersuaded
dat
thatagreatdealofconsciousness,elke
everysortofconsciousness,infact,iseen
adisease.Isticktothat.
Letusleave
dat
that,too,foraminute.Zeg
Tellmethis:whydoesit
gebeurt
happenthatatthevery,ja
yes,attheverymomentswhenIammeest
mostcapableoffeelingeveryrefinementofalldat
thatis“sublimeandbeautiful,”astheyusedtosayatonetime,itzou
would,asthoughofdesign,gebeurt
happentomenotonlytovoelen
feelbuttodosuchuglythings,zulke
suchthat...Well,inshort,actions
die
thatall,perhaps,commit;butwhich,asthoughpurposely,occurredtomeat
het
theverytimewhenIwasmeest
mostconsciousthattheyoughtnottobecommitted.The
meer
moreconsciousIwasofgoodnessen
andofallthatwas“sublimeen
andbeautiful,”themoredeeplyIsankintomymireen
andthemorereadyIwastosinkinitaltogether.Maar
Butthechiefpointwasdat
thatallthiswas,asitwere,notaccidentalinmij
me,butasthoughitwereboundtobeso.Itwasasthoughitweremy
meest
mostnormalcondition,andnotintheleastdiseaseof
ordepravity,sothatatlastalle
alldesireinmetostruggletegen
againstthisdepravitypassed.Itendedbymy
bijna
almostbelieving(perhapsactuallybelieving)dat
thatthiswasperhapsmynormalcondition.Maar
Butatfirst,inthebeginning,whatagoniesIenduredindie
thatstruggle!Ididnot
geloofde
believeitwasthesamemet
withotherpeople,andallmyleven
lifeIhidthisfactover
aboutmyselfasasecret.Iwasashamed(even
nu
now,perhaps,Iamashamed):Igottothe
punt
pointoffeelingasortofsecretabnormal,despicableenjoymentinterugkeren
returninghometomycorneronsomedisgustingPetersburgnacht
night,acutelyconsciousthatthatdag
dayIhadcommittedaloathsomeactionweer
again,thatwhatwasdonekon
couldneverbeundone,andsecretly,inwardlygnawing,gnawingatmyselfforit,tearingen
andconsumingmyselftillatlastthebitternessturnedintoeen
asortofshamefulaccursedsweetness,en
andatlast—intopositiverealenjoyment!Ja
Yes,intoenjoyment,intoenjoyment!Iinsistuponthat.
I
heb
havespokenofthisbecauseIkeepwil
wantingtoknowforafactwhetherandere
otherpeoplefeelsuchenjoyment?I
zal
willexplain;theenjoymentwas
gewoon
justfromthetoointenseconsciousnessofone’seigen
owndegradation;itwasfrom
gevoel
feelingoneselfthatonehadreachedthelaatste
lastbarrier,thatitwashorrible,maar
butthatitcouldnotbeotherwise;dat
thattherewasnoescapeforyou;dat
thatyounevercouldbecomeeen
adifferentman;thateven
als
iftimeandfaithwerestillleftyoutoveranderen
changeintosomethingdifferentyouzou
wouldmostlikelynotwishtoveranderen
change;orifyoudid
willen
wishto,eventhenyouzou
woulddonothing;becauseperhapsinreality
er
therewasnothingforyoutoveranderen
changeinto.Andtheworstofitwas,
en
andtherootofitall,thatitwasallinaccordmet
withthenormalfundamentallawsofover-acuteconsciousness,en
andwiththeinertiathatwasthedirectresultofthoselaws,en
andthatconsequentlyonewasnotalleen
onlyunabletochangebutkon
coulddoabsolutelynothing.Thusit
zou
wouldfollow,astheresultofacuteconsciousness,dat
thatoneisnottoblameinbeingascoundrel;asthough
dat
thatwereanyconsolationtode
thescoundreloncehehascometorealisedat
thatheactuallyisascoundrel.Maar
Butenough....Ech,Ihavetalkeda
veel
lotofnonsense,butwhatheb
haveIexplained?Howisenjoymentinthistobeexplained?
Maar
ButIwillexplainit.I
zal
willgettothebottomofit!ThatiswhyI
heb
havetakenupmypen....Ik
I,forinstance,haveagreatdealofamourpropre.Iamassuspicious
en
andpronetotakeoffenceaseen
ahumpbackoradwarf.Maar
ButuponmywordIsoms
sometimeshavehadmomentswhenifIhadhappenedtobeslappedinthegezicht
faceIshould,perhaps,havebeenpositivelygladofit.I
zeg
say,inearnest,thatIshouldwaarschijnlijk
probablyhavebeenabletodiscoverzelfs
eveninthatapeculiarsoort
sortofenjoyment—theenjoyment,ofnatuurlijk
course,ofdespair;butindespair
er
therearethemostintenseenjoyments,especiallyals
whenoneisveryacutelyconsciousofde
thehopelessnessofone’sposition.En
Andwhenoneisslappedinhet
theface—whythentheconsciousnessofbeingrubbedintoapulpzou
wouldpositivelyoverwhelmone.Theworstofit
is
is,lookatitwhichwaymen
onewill,itstillturnsoutdat
thatIwasalwaysthemosttoblameinalles
everything.Andwhatismosthumiliatingofall,toblamefor
geen
nofaultofmyownmaar
but,sotosay,throughthelawsofnature.In
de
thefirstplace,toblameomdat
becauseIamclevererthananyofde
thepeoplesurroundingme.(I
heb
havealwaysconsideredmyselfclevererdan
thananyofthepeoplesurroundingme
me,andsometimes,wouldyougeloven
believeit,havebeenpositivelyashamedofit.Atanyrate,I
heb
haveallmylife,asitwere,turnedmyeyesawayen
andnevercouldlookpeoplestraightinthegezicht
face.)Toblame,finally,because
zelfs
evenifIhadhadmagnanimity,Ishouldalleen
onlyhavehadmoresufferingfromthesenseofitsuselessness.Ishouldcertainly
hebben
haveneverbeenabletodoen
doanythingfrombeingmagnanimous—neithertoforgive,formyassailantzou
wouldperhapshaveslappedmefromde
thelawsofnature,andmen
onecannotforgivethelawsofnature;norto
vergeten
forget,forevenifitwereowingtothelawsofnature,itisinsultingallthesame.Finally,
zelfs
evenifIhadwantedtobeiets
anythingbutmagnanimous,haddesiredonhet
thecontrarytorevengemyselfonmyassailant,Ikunnen
couldnothaverevengedmyselfonanyoneforiets
anythingbecauseIshouldcertainlynooit
neverhavemadeupmymindtodoen
doanything,evenifIhadbeenablete
to.WhyshouldInot
had
havemadeupmymind?III
Met
Withpeoplewhoknowhowtorevengethemselvesen
andtostandupforthemselvesingeneral,hoe
howisitdone?Why,
als
whentheyarepossessed,letussuppose,bythegevoel
feelingofrevenge,thenforthetijd
timethereisnothingelsebutdat
thatfeelingleftintheirhele
wholebeing.Suchagentlemansimplydashesstraightforhisobject
als
likeaninfuriatedbullwithitshornsdown,en
andnothingbutawallzal
willstophim.(Bytheway:
facing
de
thewall,suchgentlemen—thatis,de
the“direct”personsandmenofaction—aregenuinelynonplussed.Forthemawallisnotanevasion,asforus
mensen
peoplewhothinkandconsequentlydoen
donothing;itisnotan
excuus
excuseforturningaside,anexcuus
excuseforwhichwearealtijd
alwaysveryglad,thoughwescarcelygeloven
believeinitourselves,asarule.Nee
No,theyarenonplussedinalle
allsincerity.Thewallhasforthem
iets
somethingtranquillising,morallysoothing,final—maybezelfs
evensomethingmysterious...butof
de
thewalllater.)Well,suchadirect
persoon
personIregardastheechte
realnormalman,ashistendermoeder
mothernaturewishedtoseehimwhenshegraciouslybracht
broughthimintobeingonde
theearth.Ienvysucha
man
mantillIamgreeninhet
theface.Heisstupid.
Iamnotdisputing
dat
that,butperhapsthenormalman
manshouldbestupid,howdoyouweet
know?Perhapsitisvery
mooi
beautiful,infact.AndIamthe
meer
morepersuadedofthatsuspicion,ifonekan
cancallitso,bythefeit
factthatifyoutake,forinstance,theantithesisofthenormalman,thatis
is,themanofacuteconsciousness,whohasgekomen
come,ofcourse,notoutofthelapofnaturemaar
butoutofaretort(thisisbijna
almostmysticism,gentlemen,butIsuspectthis,te
too),thisretort-mademanissoms
sometimessononplussedinthepresenceofhisantithesisthatmet
withallhisexaggeratedconsciousnesshegenuinelydenkt
thinksofhimselfasamouseen
andnotaman.It
kan
maybeanacutelyconsciousmouse,maar
yetitisamouse,terwijl
whiletheotherisaman
man,andtherefore,etcaetera,etcaetera.En
Andtheworstofitis
is,hehimself,hisveryeigen
ownself,looksonhimselfaseen
amouse;nooneaskshimto
doen
doso;andthatis
een
animportantpoint.Nowletus
kijken
lookatthismouseinaction.Laten
Letussuppose,forinstance,dat
thatitfeelsinsulted,tooEn
(anditalmostalwaysdoesvoelt
feelinsulted),andwantstorevengeitself,too.Er
Theremayevenbeagreateraccumulationofspiteinitdan
thaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.Thebase
en
andnastydesiretoventdie
thatspiteonitsassailantranklesmisschien
perhapsevenmorenastilyinitdan
thaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.For
door
throughhisinnatestupiditythelatterlooksuponhisrevengeasjusticepureen
andsimple;whileinconsequenceofhisacuteconsciousness
de
themousedoesnotbelieveinde
thejusticeofit.To
komen
comeatlasttothedeeditself,tode
theveryactofrevenge.Apartfrom
de
theonefundamentalnastinessthelucklessmousesucceedsincreatingarounditsomanyandere
othernastinessesintheformofdoubtsen
andquestions,addstotheonevraag
questionsomanyunsettledquestionsthater
thereinevitablyworksuparounditasoort
sortoffatalbrew,astinkingmess,madeupofitsdoubts,emotions,en
andofthecontemptspatuponitbyde
thedirectmenofactionwhostaan
standsolemnlyaboutitasjudgesen
andarbitrators,laughingatittilltheirhealthysidesache.Of
natuurlijk
coursetheonlythingleftforitistodismissalldat
thatwithawaveofitspaw,en
and,withasmileofassumedcontemptinwaarin
whichitdoesnotevenitselfgeloven
believe,creepignominiouslyintoitsmouse-hole.Daar
Thereinitsnasty,stinking,undergroundthuis
homeourinsulted,crushedandridiculedmousepromptlywordt
becomesabsorbedincold,malignanten
and,aboveall,everlastingspite.Forfortyyearstogetherit
zal
willrememberitsinjurydowntothesmallest,meest
mostignominiousdetails,andeverykeer
timewilladd,ofitself,detailsstillmeer
moreignominious,spitefullyteasingandtormentingitselfmet
withitsownimagination.It
zal
willitselfbeashamedofitsimaginings,butyetitzal
willrecallitall,itzal
willgooverandoverelk
everydetail,itwillinventunheardofthingstegen
againstitself,pretendingthatthosethingskunnen
mighthappen,andwillforgiveniets
nothing.Maybeitwillbegintorevengeitself,too,
maar
but,asitwere,piecemeal,intrivialways,fromachter
behindthestove,incognito,withoutgeloven
believingeitherinitsownrecht
righttovengeance,orinthesuccessofitsrevenge,knowingdat
thatfromallitseffortsatrevengeitzal
willsufferahundredtimesmeer
morethanheonwhomitrevengesitself,terwijl
whilehe,Idaresay,willnoteens
evenscratchhimself.Onitsdeathbedit
zal
willrecallitalloveropnieuw
again,withinterestaccumulatedoveralltheyearsen
and...Butitisjustinthat
koude
cold,abominablehalfdespair,halfbelief,inthatconsciousburyingoneselflevend
aliveforgriefintheunderworldforfortyyears,inthatacutelyrecogniseden
andyetpartlydoubtfulhopelessnessofone’sposition,inthathel
hellofunsatisfieddesiresturnedinward,inthatfeverofoscillations,ofresolutionsdeterminedforeveren
andrepentedofagainaminuut
minutelater—thatthesavourofthatstrangeenjoymentofwhichIheb
havespokenlies.Itissosubtle,sodifficultofanalysis,thatpersonswhoare
een
alittlelimited,orevensimplypersonsofstrongnerves,zullen
willnotunderstandasingleatomofhet
it.“Possibly,”youwilladdonyour
eigen
ownaccountwithagrin,“peoplezullen
willnotunderstanditeitherwhohaveneverreceivedaslapintheface,”en
andinthatwayyouzullen
willpolitelyhinttomethatIk
I,too,perhaps,havehadtheexperienceofaslapinthegezicht
faceinmylife,andsoIspreek
speakasonewhoknows.Ibet
dat
thatyouarethinkingthat.Maar
Butsetyourmindsatrust
rest,gentlemen,Ihavenotreceivedeen
aslapintheface,thoughitisabsolutelyeen
amatterofindifferencetomewhatyoumaydenkt
thinkaboutit.Possibly,I
zelfs
evenregret,myself,thatIheb
havegivensofewslapsinhet
thefaceduringmylife.Maar
Butenough...notanother
woord
wordonthatsubjectofsuchextremeinteresttoyou.I
zal
willcontinuecalmlyconcerningpersonsmet
withstrongnerveswhodonotbegrijpen
understandacertainrefinementofenjoyment.Thoughincertaincircumstancesthesegentlemenbellowtheirloudestlikebulls,thoughthis,
laten
letussuppose,doesthemthegreatestcredit,toch
yet,asIhavesaidal
already,confrontedwiththeimpossibletheysubsideatonce.Theimpossible
betekent
meansthestonewall!Whatstonewall?
Why,of
natuurlijk
course,thelawsofnature,de
thedeductionsofnaturalscience,mathematics.