I
Iamasickman....
Iamaspitefulman.
Iamanunattractiveman.
Ibelievemy
lever
liverisdiseased.However,Iknownothingatallaboutmydisease,anddonotknowforcertainwhatailsme.
Idon’t
konsulterer
consultadoctorforit,andneverhave,thoughIhavearespectformedicineanddoctors.Besides,Iamextremely
overtroisk
superstitious,sufficientlysotorespectmedicine,anyway(Iamwell-educatedenoughnottobeovertroisk
superstitious,butIamsuperstitious).No,Irefuseto
konsultere
consultadoctorfromspite.Thatyouprobablywillnotunderstand.
Well,Iunderstandit,though.
Ofcourse,Ican’texplainwhoitispreciselythatIammortifyinginthiscasebymyspite:
IamperfectlywellawarethatIcannot“payout”thedoctorsbynotconsultingthem;
IknowbetterthananyonethatbyallthisIamonly
skader
injuringmyselfandnooneelse.Butstill,ifIdon’t
konsulterer
consultadoctoritisfromspite.My
lever
liverisbad,well—letitgetworse!Ihavebeengoingonlikethatforalongtime—twentyyears.
NowIamforty.
Iusedtobeinthegovernmentservice,butamnolonger.
Iwasaspitefulofficial.
Iwasrudeandtookpleasureinbeingso.
Ididnottakebribes,yousee,soIwasboundtofindarecompenseinthat,atleast.
(Apoorjest,butIwillnotscratchitout.
Iwroteitthinkingitwouldsoundvery
vittig
witty;butnowthatIhaveseenmyselfthatIonlywantedtoshowoffinadespicableway,Iwillnotscratchitoutonpurpose!)
WhenpetitionersusedtocomeforinformationtothetableatwhichIsat,Iusedtogrindmyteethatthem,andfelt
intens
intenseenjoymentwhenIsucceededinmakinganybodyunhappy.Ialmostdidsucceed.
Forthemostparttheywerealltimidpeople—ofcourse,theywerepetitioners.
ButoftheuppishonestherewasoneofficerinparticularIcouldnot
udholde
endure.Hesimplywouldnotbe
ydmyg
humble,andclankedhisswordinadisgustingway.Icarriedonafeudwithhimforeighteenmonthsoverthatsword.
AtlastIgotthebetterofhim.
Heleftoffclankingit.
Thathappenedinmyyouth,though.
Butdoyouknow,gentlemen,whatwasthechiefpointaboutmyspite?
Why,thewholepoint,therealstingofitlayinthefactthat
hele tiden
continually,eveninthemomentoftheacutestmilt
spleen,IwasinwardlyconsciouswithshamethatIwasnotonlynotaspitefulbutnotevenanembitteredman,thatIwassimplyscaringsparrowsatrandomandamusingmyselfbyit.Imight
skum
foamatthemouth,butbringmeadolltoplaywith,givemeacupofteawithsugarinit,andmaybeIshouldbeappeased.Imightevenbe
oprigtigt
genuinelytouched,thoughprobablyIshouldgrindmyteethatmyselfafterwardsandlieawakeatnightwithshameformonthsafter.Thatwasmyway.
IwaslyingwhenIsaidjustnowthatIwasaspitefulofficial.
Iwaslyingfromspite.
Iwassimply
underholdende
amusingmyselfwiththepetitionersandwiththeofficer,andinrealityInevercouldbecomespiteful.Iwas
bevidst
consciouseverymomentinmyselfofmany,verymanyelementsabsolutelyoppositetothat.Ifeltthempositivelyswarminginme,theseoppositeelements.
Iknewthattheyhadbeenswarminginmeallmylifeandcravingsomeoutletfromme,butIwouldnotletthem,wouldnotletthem,purposelywouldnotletthemcomeout.
TheytormentedmetillIwasashamed:
theydrovemetoconvulsionsand—sickenedme,atlast,howtheysickenedme!
Now,arenotyoufancying,gentlemen,thatIamexpressing
anger
remorseforsomethingnow,thatIamaskingyourtilgivelse
forgivenessforsomething?Iamsureyouarefancyingthat...
However,I
forsikrer
assureyouIdonotcareifyouare....ItwasnotonlythatIcouldnotbecomespiteful,Ididnotknowhowtobecomeanything;
neitherspitefulnorkind,neithera
slyngel
rascalnoranhonestman,neitheraheronoraninsekt
insect.Now,Iamlivingoutmylifeinmycorner,tauntingmyselfwiththespitefulanduseless
trøst
consolationthatanintelligentmancannotbecomeanythingseriously,anditisonlythefoolwhobecomesanything.Yes,amaninthenineteenthcenturymustand
moralsk
morallyoughttobepre-eminentlyacharacterlesscreature;amanofcharacter,an
aktiv
activemanispre-eminentlyabegrænset
limitedcreature.Thatismy
overbevisning
convictionoffortyyears.Iamfortyyearsoldnow,andyouknowfortyyearsisawholelifetime;
youknowitis
ekstrem
extremeoldage.Tolivelongerthanfortyyearsisbadmanners,isvulgar,
umoralsk
immoral.Whodoeslivebeyondforty?
Answerthat,
oprigtigt
sincerelyandhonestlyIwilltellyouwhodo:foolsand
værdiløse
worthlessfellows.Itellalloldmenthattotheirface,allthesevenerableoldmen,allthesesilver-hairedandreverendseniors!
Itellthewholeworldthattoitsface!
Ihavearighttosayso,forIshallgoonlivingtosixtymyself.
Toseventy!
Toeighty!
Stay,letmetakebreath...
Youimaginenodoubt,gentlemen,thatIwantto
underholde
amuseyou.Youaremistakeninthat,too.
Iambynomeanssuchamirthfulpersonasyouimagine,orasyoumayimagine;
however,
irriteret
irritatedbyallthisbabble(andIfeelthatyouareirriteret
irritated)youthinkfittoaskmewhoIam—thenmyansweris,Iamacollegiateassessor.IwasintheservicethatImighthavesomethingtoeat(and
udelukkende
solelyforthatreason),andwhenlastyearafjern
distantrelationleftmesixthousandroublesinhiswillIimmediatelyretiredfromtheserviceandsettleddowninmycorner.Iusedtoliveinthiscornerbefore,butnowIhavesettleddowninit.
Myroomisawretched,horridoneinthe
udkanten
outskirtsofthetown.Myservantisanoldcountry-woman,ill-naturedfrom
dumhed
stupidity,and,moreover,thereisalwaysanastysmellabouther.IamtoldthatthePetersburgclimateisbadforme,andthatwithmysmallmeansitisveryexpensivetoliveinPetersburg.
Iknowallthatbetterthanallthesesageandexperiencedcounsellorsandmonitors....
ButIamremaininginPetersburg;
IamnotgoingawayfromPetersburg!
Iamnotgoingawaybecause...
ech!
Why,itisabsolutelynomatterwhetherIamgoingawayornotgoingaway.
Butwhatcanadecentmanspeakofwithmostpleasure?
Answer:
Ofhimself.
II
Iwantnowtotellyou,gentlemen,whetheryoucaretohearitornot,whyIcouldnotevenbecomean
insekt
insect.Itellyousolemnly,thatIhavemanytimestriedtobecomean
insekt
insect.ButIwasnot
lige
equaleventothat.Iswear,gentlemen,thattobetoo
bevidst
consciousisanillness—arealthorough-goingsygdom
illness.Forman’severydayneeds,itwouldhavebeenquiteenoughtohavetheordinaryhuman
bevidsthed
consciousness,thatis,halforaquarteroftheamountwhichfallstothelotofakultiveret
cultivatedmanofourunhappynineteenthcentury,especiallyonewhohasthefatalill-lucktoinhabitPetersburg,themosttheoreticalandintentionaltownonthewholeterrestrialglobe.(Thereareintentionalandunintentionaltowns.)
Itwouldhavebeenquiteenough,for
eksempel
instance,tohavetheconsciousnessbywhichallso-calleddirectpersonsandmenofactionlive.IbetyouthinkIamwritingallthisfromaffectation,tobe
vittig
wittyattheexpenseofmenofaction;andwhatismore,thatfromill-bredaffectation,Iamclankingaswordlikemyofficer.
But,gentlemen,whoevercanpridehimselfonhisdiseasesandevenswaggeroverthem?
Though,afterall,everyonedoesdothat;
peopledopridethemselvesontheirdiseases,andIdo,maybe,morethananyone.
Wewillnot
bestride
disputeit;mycontentionwas
absurd
absurd.ButyetIam
fast
firmlypersuadedthatagreatdealofbevidsthed
consciousness,everysortofconsciousness,infact,isadisease.Isticktothat.
Letusleavethat,too,foraminute.
Tellmethis:
whydoesithappenthatatthevery,yes,attheverymomentswhenIammostcapableoffeelingeveryrefinementofallthatis“sublimeandbeautiful,”astheyusedtosayatonetime,itwould,asthoughofdesign,happentomenotonlytofeelbuttodosuchuglythings,suchthat...
Well,inshort,actionsthatall,perhaps,commit;
butwhich,asthoughpurposely,occurredtomeattheverytimewhenIwasmostconsciousthattheyoughtnottobecommitted.
Themore
bevidst
consciousIwasofgoodnessandofallthatwas“sublimeandbeautiful,”themoredeeplyIsankintomymireandthemorereadyIwastosynke
sinkinitaltogether.Butthechiefpointwasthatallthiswas,asitwere,notaccidentalinme,butasthoughitwereboundtobeso.
Itwasasthoughitweremymostnormalcondition,andnotintheleastdiseaseordepravity,sothatatlastalldesireinmetostruggleagainstthisdepravitypassed.
Itendedbymyalmostbelieving(perhapsactuallybelieving)thatthiswasperhapsmynormalcondition.
Butatfirst,inthebeginning,whatagoniesIenduredinthatstruggle!
Ididnotbelieveitwasthesamewithotherpeople,andallmylifeIhidthisfactaboutmyselfasasecret.
Iwasashamed(evennow,perhaps,Iamashamed):
Igottothepointoffeelingasortofsecret
unormal
abnormal,despicableenjoymentinreturninghometomycorneronsomedisgustingPetersburgnight,acutelybevidst
consciousthatthatdayIhadcommittedaloathsomeactionagain,thatwhatwasdonecouldneverbeundone,andhemmeligt
secretly,inwardlygnawing,gnawingatmyselfforit,tearingandforbruge
consumingmyselftillatlastthebitternessturnedintoasortofshamefulaccursedsødme
sweetness,andatlast—intopositiverealnydelse
enjoyment!Yes,intoenjoyment,into
nydelse
enjoyment!Iinsistuponthat.
IhavespokenofthisbecauseIkeepwantingtoknowforafactwhetherotherpeoplefeelsuch
nydelse
enjoyment?Iwillexplain;
theenjoymentwasjustfromthetoointense
bevidsthed
consciousnessofone’sowndegradation;itwasfromfeelingoneselfthatonehadreachedthelast
barriere
barrier,thatitwashorrible,butthatitcouldnotbeotherwise;thattherewasnoescapeforyou;
thatyounevercouldbecomeadifferentman;
thateveniftimeandfaithwerestillleftyoutochangeintosomethingdifferentyouwouldmostlikelynotwishtochange;
orifyoudidwishto,eventhenyouwoulddonothing;
becauseperhapsinrealitytherewasnothingforyoutochangeinto.
Andtheworstofitwas,andthe
roden
rootofitall,thatitwasallinaccordwiththenormalgrundlæggende
fundamentallawsofover-acuteconsciousness,andwiththeinertiathatwasthedirectresultofthoselaws,andthatfølgelig
consequentlyonewasnotonlyunabletochangebutcoulddoabsolutelynothing.Thusitwouldfollow,astheresultof
akut
acuteconsciousness,thatoneisnottoblameinbeingaslyngel
scoundrel;asthoughthatwereany
trøst
consolationtothescoundreloncehehascometoindse
realisethatheactuallyisascoundrel.Butenough....
Ech,Ihavetalkedalotofnonsense,butwhathaveIexplained?
Howisenjoymentinthistobeexplained?
ButIwillexplainit.
Iwillgettothebottomofit!
ThatiswhyIhavetakenupmypen....
I,for
eksempel
instance,haveagreatdealofamourpropre.Iamassuspiciousandpronetotakeoffenceasahumpbackora
dværg
dwarf.ButuponmywordIsometimeshavehadmomentswhenifIhadhappenedtobeslappedinthefaceIshould,perhaps,havebeen
positivt
positivelygladofit.Isay,inearnest,thatIshouldprobablyhavebeenableto
opdage
discovereveninthatapeculiarsortofenjoyment—thenydelse
enjoyment,ofcourse,ofdespair;butin
fortvivlelse
despairtherearethemostintenseenjoyments,especiallywhenoneisveryacutelybevidst
consciousofthehopelessnessofone’sposition.Andwhenoneisslappedintheface—whythentheconsciousnessofbeingrubbedintoapulpwould
positivt
positivelyoverwhelmone.Theworstofitis,lookatitwhichwayonewill,itstillturnsoutthatIwasalwaysthemosttoblameineverything.
Andwhatismosthumiliatingofall,toblamefornofaultofmyownbut,sotosay,throughthelawsofnature.
Inthefirstplace,toblamebecauseIamclevererthananyofthepeople
omgiver
surroundingme.(Ihavealwaysconsideredmyselfclevererthananyofthepeople
omgiver
surroundingme,andsometimes,wouldyoubelieveit,havebeenpositivt
positivelyashamedofit.Atanyrate,Ihaveallmylife,asitwere,turnedmyeyesawayandnevercouldlookpeoplestraightintheface.)
Toblame,finally,becauseevenifIhadhadmagnanimity,Ishouldonlyhavehadmoresufferingfromthesenseofitsuselessness.
Ishouldcertainlyhaveneverbeenabletodoanythingfrombeingmagnanimous—neithertoforgive,formyassailantwouldperhapshaveslappedmefromthelawsofnature,andonecannotforgivethelawsofnature;
nortoforget,forevenifitwereowingtothelawsofnature,itisinsultingallthesame.
Finally,evenifIhadwantedtobeanythingbutmagnanimous,haddesiredonthe
modsætning
contrarytorevengemyselfonmyassailant,IcouldnothaverevengedmyselfonanyoneforanythingbecauseIshouldcertainlyneverhavemadeupmymindtodoanything,evenifIhadbeenableto.WhyshouldInothavemadeupmymind?
III
Withpeoplewhoknowhowtorevengethemselvesandtostandupforthemselvesingeneral,howisitdone?
Why,whentheyarepossessed,letussuppose,bythefeelingofrevenge,thenforthetimethereisnothingelsebutthatfeelingleftintheirwholebeing.
Suchagentlemansimplydashesstraightforhisobjectlikeaninfuriatedbullwithitshornsdown,andnothingbutawallwillstophim.
(Bytheway:
facingthewall,suchgentlemen—thatis,the“direct”personsandmenofaction—are
virkelig
genuinelynonplussed.Forthemawallisnotanevasion,asforuspeoplewhothinkand
derfor
consequentlydonothing;itisnotanexcuseforturningaside,anexcuseforwhichwearealwaysveryglad,thoughwe
næppe
scarcelybelieveinitourselves,asarule.No,theyarenonplussedinall
oprigtighed
sincerity.Thewallhasforthemsomethingtranquillising,
moralsk
morallysoothing,final—maybeevensomethingmystisk
mysterious...butofthewalllater.)
Well,suchadirectpersonI
betragter
regardastherealnormalman,ashistendermothernaturewishedtoseehimwhenshegraciouslybroughthimintobeingontheearth.I
misunder
envysuchamantillIamgreenintheface.Heisstupid.
Iamnot
bestrider
disputingthat,butperhapsthenormalmanshouldbestupid,howdoyouknow?Perhapsitisverybeautiful,infact.
AndIamthemorepersuadedofthat
mistanke
suspicion,ifonecancallitso,bythefactthatifyoutake,foreksempel
instance,theantithesisofthenormalman,thatis,themanofacutebevidsthed
consciousness,whohascome,ofcourse,notoutoftheskød
lapofnaturebutoutofaretort(thisisalmostmysticism,gentlemen,butIsuspectthis,too),thisretort-mademanissometimessononplussedinthepresenceofhisantithesisthatwithallhisexaggeratedbevidsthed
consciousnesshegenuinelythinksofhimselfasamouseandnotaman.Itmaybeanacutely
bevidst
consciousmouse,yetitisamouse,whiletheotherisaman,andtherefore,etcaetera,etcaetera.Andtheworstofitis,hehimself,hisveryownself,looksonhimselfasamouse;
nooneaskshimtodoso;
andthatisanimportantpoint.
Nowletuslookatthismouseinaction.
Letussuppose,for
eksempel
instance,thatitfeelsinsulted,too(anditalmostalwaysdoesfeelfornærmet
insulted),andwantstorevengeitself,too.Theremayevenbeagreateraccumulationofspiteinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.
Thebaseandnastydesiretoventthatspiteonitsassailantranklesperhapsevenmorenastilyinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.
Forthroughhisinnate
dumhed
stupiditythelatterlooksuponhisrevengeasjusticepureandsimple;whilein
følge
consequenceofhisacuteconsciousnessthemousedoesnotbelieveinthejusticeofit.Tocomeatlasttothedeeditself,totheveryactofrevenge.
Apartfromtheone
grundlæggende
fundamentalnastinessthelucklessmouselykkes
succeedsincreatingarounditsomanyothernastinessesintheformofdoubtsandquestions,addstotheonequestionsomanyunsettledquestionsthatthereuundgåeligt
inevitablyworksuparounditasortofdødelig
fatalbrew,astinkingmess,madeupofitsdoubts,emotions,andoftheforagt
contemptspatuponitbythedirectmenofactionwhostandhøjtideligt
solemnlyaboutitasjudgesandarbitrators,laughingatittilltheirhealthysidessmerte
ache.Ofcoursetheonlythingleftforitisto
afvise
dismissallthatwithawaveofitspote
paw,and,withasmileofassumedforagt
contemptinwhichitdoesnotevenitselfbelieve,krybe
creepignominiouslyintoitsmouse-hole.Thereinitsnasty,stinking,undergroundhomeour
fornærmede
insulted,crushedandridiculedmousepromptlybecomesoptaget
absorbedincold,malignantand,aboveall,everlastingspite.Forfortyyearstogetheritwillrememberits
skade
injurydowntothesmallest,mostignominiousdetails,andeverytimewilladd,ofitself,detailsstillmoreignominious,spitefullydrille
teasingandtormentingitselfwithitsownimagination.Itwillitselfbeashamedofitsimaginings,butyetitwill
huske
recallitall,itwillgooverandovereverydetalje
detail,itwillinventunheardofthingsagainstitself,pretendingthatthosethingsmighthappen,andwillforgivenothing.Maybeitwillbegintorevengeitself,too,but,asitwere,piecemeal,in
trivielle
trivialways,frombehindtheovnen
stove,incognito,withoutbelievingeitherinitsownrighttovengeance,orinthesuccessofitsrevenge,knowingthatfromallitseffortsatrevengeitwillsufferahundredtimesmorethanheonwhomitrevengesitself,whilehe,Idaresay,willnotevenscratchhimself.Onitsdeathbeditwill
huske
recallitalloveragain,withinterestaccumulatedoveralltheyearsand...Butitisjustinthatcold,
afskyelige
abominablehalfdespair,halfbelief,inthatconsciousburyingoneselfaliveforsorg
griefintheunderworldforfortyyears,inthatacutelyanerkendte
recognisedandyetpartlydoubtfulhopelessnessofone’sposition,inthathellofunsatisfieddesiresturnedinward,inthatfeverofoscillations,ofresolutionsbestemt
determinedforeverandrepentedofagainaminutelater—thatthesavourofthatstrangenydelse
enjoymentofwhichIhavespokenlies.Itissosubtle,sodifficultofanalysis,thatpersonswhoarealittle
begrænsede
limited,orevensimplypersonsofstrongnerves,willnotunderstandasingleatom
atomofit.“Possibly,”youwilladdonyourownaccountwitha
grin
grin,“peoplewillnotunderstanditeitherwhohaveneverreceivedaslapintheface,”andinthatwayyouwillhøfligt
politelyhinttomethatI,too,perhaps,havehadtheexperienceofaslapinthefaceinmylife,andsoIspeakasonewhoknows.Ibetthatyouarethinkingthat.
Butsetyourmindsatrest,gentlemen,Ihavenotreceivedaslapintheface,thoughitisabsolutelyamatterofindifferencetomewhatyoumaythinkaboutit.
Possibly,Ievenregret,myself,thatIhavegivensofewslapsinthefaceduringmylife.
Butenough...
notanotherwordonthatsubjectofsuch
ekstrem
extremeinteresttoyou.Iwillcontinue
roligt
calmlyconcerningpersonswithstrongnerveswhodonotunderstandacertainrefinementofnydelse
enjoyment.Thoughincertaincircumstancesthesegentlemenbellowtheirloudestlikebulls,thoughthis,letussuppose,doesthemthegreatestcredit,yet,asIhavesaidalready,
konfronteret
confrontedwiththeimpossibletheysubsideatonce.Theimpossiblemeansthestonewall!
Whatstonewall?
Why,ofcourse,thelawsofnature,thedeductionsofnaturalscience,mathematics.