I
Iamasickman....
Iamaspitefulman.
Iamanunattractiveman.
Ibelievemyliverisdiseased.
However,Iknownothingatallaboutmy
sygdom
disease,anddonotknowforcertainwhatailsme.Idon’tconsultadoctorforit,andneverhave,thoughIhavearespectfor
medicin
medicineanddoctors.Besides,Iam
yderst
extremelysuperstitious,sufficientlysotorespectmedicin
medicine,anyway(Iamwell-educatedenoughnottobesuperstitious,butIamsuperstitious).No,I
nægter
refusetoconsultadoctorfromspite.Thatyouprobablywillnotunderstand.
Well,Iunderstandit,though.
Ofcourse,Ican’texplainwhoitispreciselythatIammortifyinginthiscasebymyspite:
Iamperfectlywell
klar over
awarethatIcannot“payout”thedoctorsbynotconsultingthem;IknowbetterthananyonethatbyallthisIamonlyinjuringmyselfandnooneelse.
Butstill,ifIdon’tconsultadoctoritisfromspite.
Myliverisbad,well—letitgetworse!
Ihavebeengoingonlikethatforalongtime—twentyyears.
NowIamforty.
Iusedtobeinthegovernmentservice,butamnolonger.
Iwasaspiteful
embedsmand
official.Iwasrudeandtookpleasureinbeingso.
Ididnottakebribes,yousee,soIwasboundtofindarecompenseinthat,atleast.
(Apoorjest,butIwillnotscratchitout.
Iwroteitthinkingitwouldsoundverywitty;
butnowthatIhaveseenmyselfthatIonlywantedtoshowoffinadespicableway,Iwillnotscratchitoutonpurpose!)
WhenpetitionersusedtocomeforinformationtothetableatwhichIsat,Iusedtogrindmyteethatthem,andfeltintenseenjoymentwhenIsucceededinmakinganybody
ulykkelig
unhappy.Ialmostdidsucceed.
Forthemostparttheywerealltimidpeople—ofcourse,theywerepetitioners.
Butoftheuppishonestherewasoneofficerin
særdeleshed
particularIcouldnotendure.Hesimplywouldnotbehumble,andclankedhis
sværd
swordinadisgustingway.Icarriedonafeudwithhimforeighteenmonthsoverthat
sværd
sword.AtlastIgotthebetterofhim.
Heleftoffclankingit.
Thathappenedinmy
ungdom
youth,though.Butdoyouknow,gentlemen,whatwasthechiefpointaboutmyspite?
Why,thewholepoint,therealstingofitlayinthefactthatcontinually,eveninthemomentoftheacutestspleen,IwasinwardlyconsciouswithshamethatIwasnotonlynotaspitefulbutnotevenanembitteredman,thatIwassimply
skræmme
scaringsparrowsatrandomandamusingmyselfbyit.Imightfoamatthemouth,butbringmea
dukke
dolltoplaywith,givemeacupofteawithsukker
sugarinit,andmaybeIshouldbeappeased.Imightevenbegenuinelytouched,thoughprobablyIshouldgrindmyteethatmyself
bagefter
afterwardsandlieawakeatnightwithshameformonthsafter.Thatwasmyway.
IwaslyingwhenIsaidjustnowthatIwasaspiteful
embedsmand
official.Iwaslyingfromspite.
Iwassimplyamusingmyselfwiththepetitionersandwiththeofficer,andin
virkeligheden
realityInevercouldbecomespiteful.Iwasconsciouseverymomentinmyselfofmany,verymanyelementsabsolutely
modsatte
oppositetothat.Ifeltthempositivelyswarminginme,these
modsatte
oppositeelements.Iknewthattheyhadbeenswarminginmeallmylifeandcravingsomeoutletfromme,butIwouldnotletthem,wouldnotletthem,purposelywouldnotletthemcomeout.
TheytormentedmetillIwasashamed:
theydrovemetoconvulsionsand—sickenedme,atlast,howtheysickenedme!
Now,arenotyoufancying,gentlemen,thatIam
udtrykker
expressingremorseforsomethingnow,thatIamaskingyourforgivenessforsomething?Iamsureyouare
lyst
fancyingthat...However,IassureyouIdonotcareifyouare....
ItwasnotonlythatIcouldnotbecomespiteful,Ididnotknowhowtobecomeanything;
neitherspitefulnorkind,neitherarascalnoranhonestman,neitheraheronoraninsect.
Now,Iamlivingoutmylifeinmy
hjørne
corner,tauntingmyselfwiththespitefulanduselessconsolationthatanintelligentmancannotbecomeanythingseriously,anditisonlythefoolwhobecomesanything.Yes,amaninthenineteenth
århundrede
centurymustandmorallyoughttobepre-eminentlyacharacterlessskabning
creature;amanofcharacter,anactivemanispre-eminentlyalimited
væsen
creature.Thatismyconvictionoffortyyears.
Iamfortyyearsoldnow,andyouknowfortyyearsisawholelifetime;
youknowitisextremeoldage.
Tolivelongerthanfortyyearsisbadmanners,isvulgar,immoral.
Whodoeslivebeyondforty?
Answerthat,sincerelyand
ærligt
honestlyIwilltellyouwhodo:foolsandworthlessfellows.
Itellalloldmenthattotheirface,allthesevenerableoldmen,allthesesilver-hairedandreverendseniors!
Itellthewholeworldthattoitsface!
Ihavearighttosayso,forIshallgoonlivingtosixtymyself.
Toseventy!
Toeighty!
Stay,letmetakebreath...
Youimaginenodoubt,gentlemen,thatIwanttoamuseyou.
Youaremistakeninthat,too.
Iambynomeanssuchamirthfulpersonasyouimagine,orasyoumayimagine;
however,irritatedbyallthisbabble(andIfeelthatyouareirritated)youthinkfittoaskmewhoIam—thenmyansweris,Iamacollegiateassessor.
IwasintheservicethatImighthavesomethingtoeat(andsolelyforthatreason),andwhenlastyearadistantrelationleftmesixthousandroublesinhiswillIimmediatelyretiredfromtheserviceand
bosatte
settleddowninmycorner.Iusedtoliveinthis
hjørne
cornerbefore,butnowIhavebosat
settleddowninit.Myroomisawretched,horridoneintheoutskirtsofthetown.
Myservantisanoldcountry-woman,ill-naturedfromstupidity,and,moreover,thereisalwaysanastysmellabouther.
IamtoldthatthePetersburgclimateisbadforme,andthatwithmysmallmeansitisvery
dyrt
expensivetoliveinPetersburg.Iknowallthatbetterthanallthesesageandexperiencedcounsellorsandmonitors....
ButIam
forbliver
remaininginPetersburg;IamnotgoingawayfromPetersburg!
Iamnotgoingawaybecause...
ech!
Why,itisabsolutelynomatterwhetherIamgoingawayornotgoingaway.
Butwhatcana
anstændig
decentmanspeakofwithmostpleasure?Answer:
Ofhimself.
II
Iwantnowtotellyou,gentlemen,whetheryoucaretohearitornot,whyIcouldnotevenbecomeaninsect.
Itellyousolemnly,thatIhavemanytimestriedtobecomeaninsect.
ButIwasnotequaleventothat.
Iswear,gentlemen,thattobetooconsciousisanillness—arealthorough-goingillness.
Forman’s
daglige
everydayneeds,itwouldhavebeenquiteenoughtohavethealmindelige
ordinaryhumanconsciousness,thatis,halforafjerdedel
quarteroftheamountwhichfallstothelotofacultivatedmanofourunhappynineteenthårhundrede
century,especiallyonewhohasthefatalill-lucktoinhabitPetersburg,themosttheoreticalandintentionaltownonthewholeterrestrialglobe.(Thereareintentionalandunintentionaltowns.)
Itwouldhavebeenquiteenough,forinstance,tohavetheconsciousnessbywhichallso-called
direkte
directpersonsandmenofactionlive.IbetyouthinkIamwritingallthisfromaffectation,tobewittyattheexpenseofmenofaction;
andwhatismore,thatfromill-bredaffectation,Iamclankinga
sværd
swordlikemyofficer.But,gentlemen,whoevercanpridehimselfonhisdiseasesandevenswaggeroverthem?
Though,afterall,everyonedoesdothat;
peopledopridethemselvesontheirdiseases,andIdo,maybe,morethananyone.
Wewillnotdisputeit;
mycontentionwasabsurd.
ButyetIamfirmlypersuadedthatagreatdealofconsciousness,everysortofconsciousness,infact,isa
sygdom
disease.Isticktothat.
Letusleavethat,too,foraminute.
Tellmethis:
whydoesithappenthatatthevery,yes,attheverymomentswhenIammost
stand
capableoffeelingeveryrefinementofallthatis“sublimeandbeautiful,”astheyusedtosayatonetime,itwould,asthoughofdesign
design,happentomenotonlytofeelbuttodosuchuglythings,suchthat...Well,inshort,actionsthatall,perhaps,
begår
commit;butwhich,asthoughpurposely,occurredtomeattheverytimewhenIwasmostconsciousthattheyoughtnottobecommitted.
ThemoreconsciousIwasofgoodnessandofallthatwas“sublimeandbeautiful,”themoredeeplyIsankintomymireandthemorereadyIwastosinkinitaltogether.
Butthechiefpointwasthatallthiswas,asitwere,notaccidentalinme,butasthoughitwere
bundet
boundtobeso.Itwasasthoughitweremymostnormal
tilstand
condition,andnotintheleastsygdom
diseaseordepravity,sothatatlastallønske
desireinmetostruggleagainstthisdepravitypassed.Itendedbymyalmostbelieving(perhapsactuallybelieving)thatthiswasperhapsmynormal
tilstand
condition.Butatfirst,inthebeginning,whatagoniesIenduredinthat
kamp
struggle!Ididnotbelieveitwasthesamewithotherpeople,andallmylifeIhidthisfactaboutmyselfasasecret.
Iwas
skammer
ashamed(evennow,perhaps,Iamskammer
ashamed):Igottothepointoffeelingasortofsecretabnormal,despicableenjoymentinreturninghometomy
hjørne
corneronsomedisgustingPetersburgnight,acutelyconsciousthatthatdayIhadcommittedaloathsomeactionagain,thatwhatwasdonecouldneverbeundone,andsecretly,inwardlygnawing,gnawingatmyselfforit,rive
tearingandconsumingmyselftillatlastthebitternessturnedintoasortofshamefulaccursedsweetness,andatlast—intopositiv
positiverealenjoyment!Yes,intoenjoyment,intoenjoyment!
Iinsistuponthat.
IhavespokenofthisbecauseIkeepwantingtoknowforafactwhetherotherpeoplefeelsuchenjoyment?
Iwillexplain;
theenjoymentwasjustfromthetoointenseconsciousnessofone’sowndegradation;
itwasfromfeelingoneselfthatonehadreachedthelastbarrier,thatitwashorrible,butthatitcouldnotbeotherwise;
thattherewasnoescapeforyou;
thatyounevercouldbecomeadifferentman;
thateveniftimeandfaithwerestillleftyoutochangeintosomethingdifferentyouwouldmost
sandsynligt
likelynotwishtochange;orifyoudidwishto,eventhenyouwoulddonothing;
becauseperhapsin
virkeligheden
realitytherewasnothingforyoutochangeinto.Andtheworstofitwas,andtherootofitall,thatitwasallinaccordwiththenormalfundamentallawsofover-acuteconsciousness,andwiththeinertiathatwasthe
direkte
directresultofthoselaws,andthatconsequentlyonewasnotonlyunabletochangebutcoulddoabsolutelynothing.Thusitwouldfollow,astheresultofacuteconsciousness,thatoneisnottoblameinbeingascoundrel;
asthoughthatwereanyconsolationtothescoundreloncehehascometorealisethatheactuallyisascoundrel.
Butenough....
Ech,Ihavetalkedalotof
nonsens
nonsense,butwhathaveIexplained?Howisenjoymentinthistobeexplained?
ButIwillexplainit.
Iwillgettothe
bunden
bottomofit!ThatiswhyIhavetakenupmypen....
I,forinstance,haveagreatdealofamourpropre.
Iamassuspiciousandpronetotakeoffenceasahumpbackoradwarf.
ButuponmywordIsometimeshavehadmomentswhenifIhadhappenedtobeslappedinthefaceIshould,perhaps,havebeenpositivelygladofit.
Isay,inearnest,thatIshouldprobablyhavebeenabletodiscovereveninthatapeculiarsortofenjoyment—theenjoyment,ofcourse,ofdespair;
butindespairtherearethemostintenseenjoyments,especiallywhenoneisveryacutelyconsciousofthehopelessnessofone’sposition.
Andwhenoneisslappedintheface—whythentheconsciousnessofbeingrubbedintoapulpwouldpositivelyoverwhelmone.
Theworstofitis,lookatitwhichwayonewill,itstillturnsoutthatIwasalwaysthemosttoblameineverything.
Andwhatismosthumiliatingofall,toblamefornofaultofmyownbut,sotosay,throughthelawsofnature.
Inthefirstplace,toblamebecauseIamclevererthananyofthepeoplesurroundingme.
(Ihavealways
betragtet
consideredmyselfclevererthananyofthepeoplesurroundingme,andsometimes,wouldyoubelieveit,havebeenpositivelyflov over
ashamedofit.Atanyrate,Ihaveallmylife,asitwere,turnedmyeyesawayandnevercouldlookpeoplestraightintheface.)
Toblame,finally,becauseevenifIhadhadmagnanimity,Ishouldonlyhavehadmoresufferingfromthesenseofitsuselessness.
Ishouldcertainlyhaveneverbeenabletodoanythingfrombeingmagnanimous—neithertoforgive,formyassailantwouldperhapshaveslappedmefromthelawsofnature,andonecannotforgivethelawsofnature;
nortoforget,forevenifitwereowingtothelawsofnature,itisinsultingallthesame.
Finally,evenifIhadwantedtobeanythingbutmagnanimous,haddesiredonthecontraryto
hævne
revengemyselfonmyassailant,IcouldnothaverevengedmyselfonanyoneforanythingbecauseIshouldcertainlyneverhavemadeupmymindtodoanything,evenifIhadbeenableto.WhyshouldInothavemadeupmymind?
III
Withpeoplewhoknowhowto
hævner
revengethemselvesandtostandupforthemselvesingeneral,howisitdone?Why,whentheyarepossessed,letussuppose,bythefeelingof
hævn
revenge,thenforthetimethereisnothingelsebutthatfeelingleftintheirwholebeing.Sucha
gentleman
gentlemansimplydashesstraightforhisobjectlikeaninfuriatedbullwithitshornsdown,andnothingbutawallwillstophim.(Bytheway:
facingthewall,suchgentlemen—thatis,the“direct”personsandmenofaction—aregenuinelynonplussed.
Forthemawallisnotanevasion,asforuspeoplewhothinkandconsequentlydonothing;
itisnotanexcuseforturningaside,anexcuseforwhichwearealwaysveryglad,thoughwescarcelybelieveinitourselves,asarule.
No,theyarenonplussedinallsincerity.
Thewallhasforthemsomethingtranquillising,morallysoothing,final—maybeevensomethingmysterious...
butofthewalllater.)
Well,sucha
direkte
directpersonIregardastherealnormalman,ashistendermothernaturewishedtoseehimwhenshegraciouslybroughthimintobeingontheearth.IenvysuchamantillIamgreenintheface.
Heisstupid.
Iamnotdisputingthat,butperhapsthenormalmanshouldbestupid,howdoyouknow?
Perhapsitisverybeautiful,infact.
AndIamthemorepersuadedofthatsuspicion,ifonecancallitso,bythefactthatifyoutake,forinstance,theantithesisofthenormalman,thatis,themanofacuteconsciousness,whohascome,ofcourse,notoutofthelapofnaturebutoutofaretort(thisisalmostmysticism,gentlemen,butIsuspectthis,too),thisretort-mademanissometimessononplussedinthe
nærvær
presenceofhisantithesisthatwithallhisexaggeratedconsciousnesshegenuinelythinksofhimselfasamus
mouseandnotaman.Itmaybeanacutelyconscious
mus
mouse,yetitisamus
mouse,whiletheotherisaman,andderfor
therefore,etcaetera,etcaetera.Andtheworstofitis,hehimself,hisveryownself,looksonhimselfasa
mus
mouse;nooneaskshimtodoso;
andthatisanimportantpoint.
Nowletuslookatthis
mus
mouseinaction.Letussuppose,forinstance,thatitfeelsinsulted,too(anditalmostalwaysdoesfeelinsulted),andwantsto
hævne
revengeitself,too.Theremayevenbea
større
greateraccumulationofspiteinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.Thebaseand
grimme
nastydesiretoventthatspiteonitsassailantranklesperhapsevenmorenastilyinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelavérité.Forthroughhisinnatestupiditythelatterlooksuponhis
hævn
revengeasjusticepureandsimple;whileinconsequenceofhisacuteconsciousnessthe
musen
mousedoesnotbelieveinthejusticeofit.Tocomeatlasttothedeeditself,totheveryactofrevenge.
Apartfromtheonefundamentalnastinesstheluckless
mus
mousesucceedsincreatingarounditsomanyothernastinessesintheformofdoubtsandquestions,tilføjer
addstotheonequestionsomanyunsettledquestionsthatthereinevitablyworksuparounditasortoffatalbrew,astinkingmess,madeupofitsdoubts,emotions,andofthecontemptspyttet
spatuponitbythedirekte
directmenofactionwhostandsolemnlyaboutitasjudgesandarbitrators,laughingatittilltheirsunde
healthysidesache.Ofcoursetheonlythingleftforitistodismissallthatwitha
bølge
waveofitspaw,and,withasmileofformodet
assumedcontemptinwhichitdoesnotevenitselfbelieve,creepignominiouslyintoitsmouse-hole.Thereinits
grimme
nasty,stinking,undergroundhomeourinsulted,crushedandridiculedmus
mousepromptlybecomesabsorbedincold,malignantand,aboveall,everlastingspite.Forfortyyearstogetheritwillrememberitsinjurydowntothesmallest,mostignominiousdetails,andeverytimewill
tilføje
add,ofitself,detailsstillmoreignominious,spitefullyteasingandtormentingitselfwithitsownfantasi
imagination.Itwillitselfbeashamedofitsimaginings,butyetitwillrecallitall,itwillgooverandovereverydetail,itwillinventunheardofthingsagainstitself,
foregive
pretendingthatthosethingsmighthappen,andwillforgivenothing.Maybeitwillbegintorevengeitself,too,but,asitwere,piecemeal,intrivialways,frombehindthestove,incognito,withoutbelievingeitherinitsownrighttovengeance,orinthesuccessofitsrevenge,knowingthatfromallitseffortsatrevengeitwill
lide
sufferahundredtimesmorethanheonwhomitrevengesitself,whilehe,Idaresay,willnotevenscratchhimself.Onitsdeathbeditwillrecallitalloveragain,withinterestaccumulatedoveralltheyearsand...
Butitisjustinthatcold,abominablehalfdespair,halfbelief,inthatconsciousburyingoneselfaliveforgriefintheunderworldforfortyyears,inthatacutelyrecognisedandyetpartlydoubtfulhopelessnessofone’sposition,inthathellofunsatisfieddesiresturnedinward,inthat
feber
feverofoscillations,ofresolutionsdeterminedforeverandrepentedofagainaminutelater—thatthesavourofthatstrangeenjoymentofwhichIhavespokenlies.Itissosubtle,sodifficultofanalysis,thatpersonswhoarealittlelimited,orevensimplypersonsofstrongnerves,willnotunderstandasingleatomofit.
“Possibly,”youwill
tilføje
addonyourownaccountwithagrin,“peoplewillnotunderstanditeitherwhohaveneverreceivedaslapintheface,”andinthatwayyouwillpolitelyhinttomethatI,too,perhaps,havehadtheexperienceofaslapinthefaceinmylife,andsoIspeakasonewhoknows.Ibetthatyouarethinkingthat.
Butsetyourmindsatrest,gentlemen,Ihavenot
fået
receivedaslapintheface,thoughitisabsolutelyamatterofindifferencetomewhatyoumaythinkaboutit.Muligvis
Possibly,Ievenregret,myself,thatIhavegivensofewslapsinthefaceduringmylife.Butenough...
notanotherwordonthat
emne
subjectofsuchextremeinteresttoyou.Iwillcontinuecalmlyconcerningpersonswithstrongnerveswhodonotunderstandacertainrefinementofenjoyment.
Thoughincertaincircumstancesthesegentlemenbellowtheirloudestlikebulls,thoughthis,letussuppose,doesthemthe
største
greatestcredit,yet,asIhavesaidalready,confrontedwiththeimpossibletheysubsideatonce.Theimpossiblemeansthestonewall!
Whatstonewall?
Why,ofcourse,thelawsofnature,thedeductionsofnaturalscience,mathematics.