CHAPTERI
IfithadnotrainedonacertainMay
jutra
morningValancyStirling’swholelifewouldhavebeenpotpuno
entirelydifferent.Shewouldhavegone,
sa
withtherestofherclan,toAuntWellington’szaručnički
engagementpicnicandDr.TrentwouldhavegonetoMontreal.Ali
Butitdidrainandyoushallčuti
hearwhathappenedtoherbecauseofit.Valancywakened
rano
early,inthelifeless,hopelesssatu
hourjustprecedingdawn.Shehadnotsleptvery
dobro
well.Onedoesnotsleep
dobro
well,sometimes,whenoneistwenty-nineonthemorrow,i
andunmarried,inacommunityi
andconnectionwheretheunmarriedarejednostavno
simplythosewhohavefailedtodobiti
getaman.DeerwoodandtheStirlingshadlongsincerelegatedValancyto
beznadno
hopelessoldmaidenhood.ButValancyherselfhadneverquiterelinquished
je
acertainpitiful,shamed,littlenade
hopethatRomancewouldcomeherputu
wayyet—never,untilthiswet,horriblejutra
morning,whenshewakenedtona
thefactthatshewastwenty-ninei
andunsoughtbyanyman.Ay,
tu
therelaythesting.Valancydidnotmindsomuchbeingan
stara
oldmaid.Afterall,shethought,beingan
stara
oldmaidcouldn’tpossiblybeasstrašno
dreadfulasbeingmarriedtoanUjaka
UncleWellingtonoranUncleBenjamin,ili
orevenanUncleHerbert.Whathurtherwasthatshehadneverhad
je
achancetobeanythingbutanstara
oldmaid.Nomanhadeverdesiredher.
Thetearscameintohereyesasshelaythere
sama
aloneinthefaintlygreyingdarkness.Shedarednotletherselfcryashardasshewanted
da
to,fortworeasons.Shewas
bojala
afraidthatcryingmightbringonanotherattackofda
thatpainaroundtheheart.Shehadhad
je
aspellofitaftershehadgotintobed—rathergora
worsethananyshehadhadjoš
yet.Andshewasafraidher
majka
motherwouldnoticeherredeyesatbreakfasti
andkeepatherwithminute,persistent,mosquito-likequestionsregardingthecausethereof.“Suppose,”thoughtValancy
s
withaghastlygrin,“Ianswereds
withtheplaintruth,‘Iamcryingjer
becauseIcannotgetmarried.’Kako
HowhorrifiedMotherwouldbe—thoughsheisstidi
ashamedeverydayofherlifeofherstare
oldmaiddaughter.”Butof
naravno
courseappearancesshouldbekeptup.“Itisnot,”Valancycould
čuti
hearhermother’sprim,dictatorialglas
voiceasserting,“itisnotmaidenlytorazmišljati
thinkaboutmen.”Thethoughtofhermother’s
izraz
expressionmadeValancylaugh—forshehadje
asenseofhumournobodyinherclansuspected.For
koje
thatmatter,therewereagoodmnogo
manythingsaboutValancythatnitko
nobodysuspected.Butherlaughterwas
vrlo
verysuperficialandpresentlyshelaytamo
there,ahuddled,futilelittlefigura
figure,listeningtotherainpouringdownvani
outsideandwatching,withasickdistaste,thechill,mercilesssvjetlo
lightcreepingintoherugly,sordidsobu
room.Sheknewtheuglinessofthatroombyheart—knewit
i
andhatedit.Theyellow-paintedfloor,
sa
withonehideous,“hooked”rugbythebed,sa
withagrotesque,“hooked”dogonit,uvijek
alwaysgrinningatherwhensheawoke;thefaded,dark-red
papir
paper;theceilingdiscolouredbyoldleaks
i
andcrossedbycracks;thenarrow,pinched
mali
littlewashstand;thebrown-paperlambrequin
s
withpurplerosesonit;thespotted
stari
oldlooking-glasswiththecrackpreko
acrossit,proppedupontheinadequatedressing-table;thejarofancientpotpourrimadebyher
majke
motherinhermythicalhoneymoon;theshell-covered
kutija
box,withoneburstcorner,whichCousinStickleshadmadeinherjednako
equallymythicalgirlhood;thebeadedpincushion
s
withhalfitsbeadfringegone;the
jedna
onestiff,yellowchair;thefaded
stari
oldmotto,“Gonebutnotforgotten,”workedincolouredyarnso
aboutGreat-grand-motherStirling’sgrimoldface;the
stare
oldphotographsofancientrelativeslongbanishedfromtheroomsispod
below.Therewereonlytwopictures
koje
thatwerenotofrelatives.One,an
stari
oldchromoofapuppysittingonarainypragu
doorstep.ThatpicturealwaysmadeValancyunhappy.
Taj
Thatforlornlittledogcrouchedonthepragu
doorstepinthedrivingrain!Zašto
Whydidn’tsomeoneopenthedoori
andlethimin?The
druga
otherpicturewasafaded,passe-partoutedengravingofQueenLouisecomingniz
downastairway,whichAuntWellingtonhadlavishlygivenheronherdeseti
tenthbirthday.Fornineteenyearsshehadlookedatit
i
andhatedit,beautiful,smug,self-satisfiedQueenLouise.Ali
Butsheneverdareddestroyitili
orremoveit.Motherand
Rođak
CousinStickleswouldhavebeenaghast,ili
or,asValancyirreverentlyexpresseditinherthoughts,wouldhavehadje
afit.Everyroominthe
kući
housewasugly,ofcourse.Ali
Butdownstairsappearanceswerekeptupsomewhat.Therewasno
novca
moneyforroomsnobodyeversaw.Valancy
ponekad
sometimesfeltthatshecouldhavedonenešto
somethingforherroomherself,čak
evenwithoutmoney,ifshewerepermitted.Ali
Buthermotherhadnegativedsvaki
everytimidsuggestionandValancydidnotpersist.Valancyneverpersisted.
Shewas
bojala
afraidto.Hermothercouldnotbrook
protivljenje
opposition.Mrs.Stirlingwouldsulkfordays
ako
ifoffended,withtheairsofaninsultedduchess.The
jedina
onlythingValancylikedabouthersobi
roomwasthatshecouldbesama
alonethereatnighttoplakati
cryifshewantedto.Ali
But,afterall,whatdiditmatterako
ifaroom,whichyouusedforništa
nothingexceptsleepinganddressingin,wereružna
ugly?Valancywasneverpermittedtostay
sama
aloneinherroomforbilo
anyotherpurpose.Peoplewhowantedtobe
sami
alone,soMrs.FrederickStirlingi
andCousinSticklesbelieved,couldsamo
onlywanttobealoneforneke
somesinisterpurpose.Buther
soba
roomintheBlueCastlewassve
everythingaroomshouldbe.Valancy,socowed
i
andsubduedandoverriddenandsnubbedinstvarnom
reallife,waswonttoletherselfgoprilično
rathersplendidlyinherday-dreams.Nitko
NobodyintheStirlingclan,ili
oritsramifications,suspectedthis,leastofallhermajka
motherandCousinStickles.They
nikada
neverknewthatValancyhaddvije
twohomes—theuglyredbrickboxofje
ahome,onElmStreet,i
andtheBlueCastleinSpain.ValancyhadlivedspirituallyintheBlueCastleever
otkad
sinceshecouldremember.Shehadbeen
je
averytinychildwhenshefoundherselfpossessedofit.Uvijek
Always,whensheshuthereyes,shecouldseeitjasno
plainly,withitsturretsandbannersonthepine-cladmountainheight,wrappedinitsfaint,blueloveliness,againstthesunsetskiesofje
afairandunknownland.Sve
Everythingwonderfulandbeautifulwasinthatcastle.Jewels
koje
thatqueensmighthaveworn;robesofmoonlight
i
andfire;couchesofroses
i
andgold;longflightsofshallowmarblesteps,withgreat,whiteurns,
i
andwithslender,mist-cladmaidensgoinggore
upanddownthem;courts,marble-pillared,
gdje
whereshimmeringfountainsfellandnightingalessangmeđu
amongthemyrtles;hallsofmirrors
koja
thatreflectedonlyhandsomeknightsi
andlovelywomen—herselftheloveliestofsvih
all,forwhoseglancemendied.Sve
Allthatsupportedherthroughtheboredomofherdayswasthenada
hopeofgoingonasanjati
dreamspreeatnight.Most,
ako
ifnotall,oftheStirlingswouldhavediedofužasa
horroriftheyhadknownpola
halfthethingsValancydidinherBlueCastle.For
jednu
onethingshehadquiteje
afewloversinit.Oh,
samo
onlyoneatatime.One
koji
whowooedherwithalltheromanticardourofthedoba
ageofchivalryandwonhernakon
afterlongdevotionandmanydeedsofderring-do,i
andwasweddedtoherwithpompi
andcircumstanceinthegreat,banner-hungchapeloftheBlueDvorca
Castle.Attwelve,thisloverwas
je
afairladwithgoldencurlsi
andheavenlyblueeyes.Atfifteen,hewas
visok
tallanddarkandpale,ali
butstillnecessarilyhandsome.Attwenty,hewasascetic,dreamy,
duhovni
spiritual.Attwenty-five,hehad
je
aclean-cutjaw,slightlygrim,andje
afacestrongandruggedratherthanhandsome.Valancynevergrewolder
od
thantwenty-fiveinherBlueCastle,ali
butrecently—veryrecently—herherohadhadreddish,tawnykosu
hair,atwistedsmileandje
amysteriouspast.Idon’t
kažem
sayValancydeliberatelymurderedtheseloversassheoutgrewih
them.Onesimplyfadedawayas
drugi
anothercame.ThingsareveryconvenientinthisrespectinBlueCastles.
Ali
But,onthismorningofherdana
dayoffate,Valancycouldnotnaći
findthekeyofherBlueDvorca
Castle.Realitypressedonher
previše
toohardly,barkingatherheelskao
likeamaddeninglittledog.Shewastwenty-nine,lonely,undesired,ill-favoured—the
jedina
onlyhomelygirlinahandsomeclan,withbez
nopastandnofuture.Asfarasshecouldlookback,
život
lifewasdrabandcolourless,withnotonesinglecrimsonili
orpurplespotanywhere.Asfarasshecouldlook
naprijed
forwarditseemedcertaintobebaš
justthesameuntilshewasništa
nothingbutasolitary,littlewitheredlist
leafclingingtoawintrybough.The
trenutak
momentwhenawomanrealisesthatshehasništa
nothingtolivefor—neitherlove,duty,svrhe
purposenorhope—holdsforherthebitternessofsmrti
death.“AndIjusthavetogoonliving
jer
becauseIcan’tstop.I
možda
mayhavetoliveeightyyears,”thoughtValancy,inje
akindofpanic.“We’re
svi
allhorriblylong-lived.Itsickensmetothinkofit.”
Shewasgladitwasraining—orrather,shewasdrearilysatisfiedthatitwasraining.
Therewouldbenopicnicthat
dana
day.Thisannualpicnic,whereby
Tetka
AuntandUncleWellington—onealwaysthoughtoftheminthatsuccession—inevitablycelebratedtheirengagementatje
apicnicthirtyyearsbefore,hadbeen,oflateyears,je
averitablenightmaretoValancy.Byanimpishcoincidenceitwasthe
isti
samedayasherbirthdayi
and,aftershehadpassedtwenty-five,nitko
nobodyletherforgetit.Muchasshehatedgoingto
na
thepicnic,itwouldneverhaveoccurredtohertorebelprotiv
againstit.Thereseemedtobe
ništa
nothingoftherevolutionaryinhernature.I
Andsheknewexactlywhateveryonewouldreći
saytoheratthepicnic.Ujak
UncleWellington,whomshedislikedi
anddespisedeventhoughhehadfulfilledthehighestStirlingaspiration,“marryingmoney,”wouldsaytoherinje
apig’swhisper,“Notthinkingofgettingbraku
marriedyet,mydear?”andthen
otići
gooffintothebellowoflaughters
withwhichheinvariablyconcludedhisdullremarks.Teta
AuntWellington,ofwhomValancystoodinabjectawe,wouldtellhero
aboutOlive’snewchiffondressi
andCecil’slastdevotedletter.Valancywould
su
havetolookaspleasedi
andinterestedasifthehaljina
dressandletterhadbeenhersorelseTeta
AuntWellingtonwouldbeoffended.A
AndValancyhadlongagodecidedda
thatshewouldratheroffendGodnego
thanAuntWellington,becauseGodmightforgiveherali
butAuntWellingtonneverwould.Teta
AuntAlberta,enormouslyfat,withanamiablehabitofuvijek
alwaysreferringtoherhusbandas“he,”asifheweretheonlymalestvorenje
creatureintheworld,whocouldnikada
neverforgetthatshehadbeenje
agreatbeautyinheryouth,wouldcondoles
withValancyonhersallowkoži
skin—.“Idon’tknowwhy
sve
allthegirlsoftodayaresosunburned.Kad
WhenIwasagirlmykoža
skinwasrosesandcream.Iwascountedtheprettiest
djevojka
girlinCanada,mydear.”Možda
PerhapsUncleHerbertwouldn’tsayanything—ormožda
perhapshewouldremarkjocularly,“Howfatyou’regetting,Doss!”I
Andtheneverybodywouldlaughovertheexcessivelyhumorousideaofjadni
poor,scrawnylittleDossgettingfat.Zgodan
Handsome,solemnUncleJames,whomValancydislikedali
butrespectedbecausehewasreputedtobevrlo
verycleverandwasthereforetheklan
clanoracle—brainsbeingnonetooobilan
plentifulintheStirlingconnection—wouldvjerojatno
probablyremarkwiththeowl-likesarcasmthathadwonhimhisreputaciju
reputation,“Isupposeyou’rebusysa
withyourhope-chestthesedays?”And
Ujak
UncleBenjaminwouldasksomeofhisodvratnih
abominableconundrums,betweenwheezychuckles,andanswerthemhimself.“Whatisthe
razlika
differencebetweenDossandamiša
mouse?“Themousewishesto
naškoditi
harmthecheeseandDosswishestocharmthehe’s.”Valancyhadheardhim
pitati
askthatriddlefiftytimesi
andeverytimeshewantedtobaciti
throwsomethingathim.Butsheneverdid.
In
na
thefirstplace,theStirlingsjednostavno
simplydidnotthrowthings;inthesecondplace,
Ujak
UncleBenjaminwasawealthyandchildlessoldwidowerandValancyhadbeenbroughtupinthefearandadmonitionofhisnovca
money.Ifsheoffendedhimhewouldcutheroutofhiswill—supposingshewereinit.
Valancydidnotwanttobecutoutof
Ujaka
UncleBenjamin’swill.Shehadbeenpoorallher
život
lifeandknewthegallingbitternessofto
it.Sosheenduredhisriddles
i
andevensmiledtorturedlittlesmilesnad
overthem.AuntIsabel,downright
i
anddisagreeableasaneastvjetar
wind,wouldcriticiseherinneki
someway—Valancycouldnotpredictjustkako
how,forAuntIsabelneverrepeatedje
acriticism—shefoundsomethingnews
withwhichtojabyousvaki
everytime.AuntIsabelpridedherselfonsayingwhatshethought,
ali
butdidn’tlikeitsowellkad
whenotherpeoplesaidwhattheythoughttojoj
her.Valancyneversaidwhatshethought.
CousinGeorgiana—namedafterhergreat-great-grand-mother,whohadbeennamedafterGeorgetheFourth—wouldrecountdolorouslythenamesof
svih
allrelativesandfriendswhohaddiedsincethelastpicnicandwonder“whichofusće
willbethefirsttoići
gonext.”Oppressivelycompetent,AuntMildredwouldtalkendlesslyofher
mužu
husbandandherodiousprodigiesofbabiestoValancy,jer
becauseValancywouldbethejedini
onlyoneshecouldfindtoputupwithto
it.Forthesamereason,CousinGladys—really
Prva
FirstCousinGladysonceremoved,prema
accordingtothestrictwayinwhichna
theStirlingstabulatedrelationship—atall,thindama
ladywhoadmittedshehadje
asensitivedisposition,woulddescribeminutelyna
thetorturesofherneuritis.AndOlive,thewonder
djevojka
girlofthewholeStirlingclan,whohadsve
everythingValancyhadnot—beauty,popularity,love,—wouldshowoffherbeautyandpresumeonherpopularnost
popularityandflauntherdiamondinsigniaofljubav
loveinValancy’sdazzled,enviouseyes.Therewouldbenoneofallthis
danas
today.Andtherewouldbe
ne
nopackingupofteaspoons.Thepackingupwas
uvijek
alwaysleftforValancyandCousinStickles.A
Andonce,sixyearsago,je
asilverteaspoonfromAuntWellington’sweddingsethadbeenlost.Valancyneverheardthelastofthatsilverteaspoon.
Its
duh
ghostappearedBanquo-likeateverysubsequentfamilyfeast.Oh,yes,Valancyknew
točno
exactlywhatthepicnicwouldbelikei
andsheblessedtherainthathadsavedherfromit.Therewouldbenopicnicthis
godine
year.IfAuntWellingtoncouldnot
slaviti
celebrateonthesacreddayitselfshewouldhavene
nocelebrationatall.Thankwhatevergodstherewereforthat.
Budući
Sincetherewouldbenopicnic,Valancymadeuphermindthat,ako
iftherainheldupinthepopodne
afternoon,shewouldgouptothelibraryi
andgetanotherofJohnFoster’sbooks.Valancywasneverallowedtoreadnovels,
ali
butJohnFoster’sbookswerenotnovels.Theywere“naturebooks”—sothe
knjižničar
librariantoldMrs.FrederickStirling—“allo
aboutthewoodsandbirdsi
andbugsandthingsliketo
that,youknow.”SoValancywasallowedtoreadthem—underprotest,foritwasonly
previše
tooevidentthatsheenjoyedthempreviše
toomuch.Itwaspermissible,
čak
evenlaudable,toreadtoimproveyourum
mindandyourreligion,butje
abookthatwasenjoyablewasdangerous.Valancydidnotknow
li
whetherhermindwasbeingimprovedili
ornot;butshefelt
nejasno
vaguelythatifshehadcomeacrossJohnFoster’sbooksyearsprije
agolifemighthavebeenje
adifferentthingforher.Theyseemedtohertoyieldglimpsesof
je
aworldintowhichshemightjednom
oncehaveentered,thoughthevrata
doorwasforeverbarredtohersada
now.Itwasonlywithinthelastyear
da
thatJohnFoster’sbookshadbeenintheDeerwoodlibrary,iako
thoughthelibrariantoldValancyda
thathehadbeenawell-knownpisac
writerforseveralyears.“Wheredoeshelive?”
Valancyhadasked.
“Nobodyknows.
Fromhisbookshe
mora
mustbeaCanadian,butnema
nomoreinformationcanbehad.Hispublisherswon’t
reći
sayaword.QuitelikelyJohn
Foster
Fosterisanomdeplume.Hisbooksaresopopularwecan’t
zadržati
keeptheminatall,iako
thoughIreallycan’tseewhatljudi
peoplefindinthemtorave
raveover.”“Ithinkthey’rewonderful,”saidValancy,timidly.
“Oh—well—”
MissClarksonsmiledin
je
apatronisingfashionthatrelegatedValancy’sopinionstolimbo,“Ican’treći
sayIcaremuchforbugsmyself.Ali
ButcertainlyFosterseemstoznati
knowallthereistoznati
knowaboutthem.”Valancydidn’tknow
li
whethershecaredmuchforbugseither.ItwasnotJohnFoster’suncannyknowledgeofwildcreatures
i
andinsectlifethatenthralledher.Shecould
jedva
hardlysaywhatitwas—sometantalisingmamac
lureofamysteryneverrevealed—somenagovještaj
hintofagreatsecretsamo
justalittlefurtheron—someslab
faint,elusiveechooflovely,forgottenthings—JohnFoster’sčarolija
magicwasindefinable.Yes,shewouldgetanewFosterbook.
Itwas
je
amonthsinceshehadThistleŽetvu
Harvest,sosurelyMothercouldnotobject.Valancyhadreadit
četiri
fourtimes—sheknewwholepassagesoffbyheart.And—she
skoro
almostthoughtshewouldgoandseeDr.Trentaboutda
thatqueerpainaroundthesrca
heart.Ithadcomerather
često
oftenlately,andthepalpitationswerebecomingannoying,nottospeakofanoccasionalvrtoglavicu
dizzymomentandaqueershortnessofdah
breath.Butcouldshegoto
vidi
seehimwithouttellinganyone?Itwas
je
amostdaringthought.NoneoftheStirlingseverconsultedadoctor
bez
withoutholdingafamilycouncili
andgettingUncleJames’approval.Then,theywenttoDr.Ambrose
Marsh
MarshofPortLawrence,whohadoženio
marriedSecondCousinAdelaideStirling.Ali
ButValancydislikedDr.AmbroseMarsh
Marsh.And,besides,shecouldnot
doći
gettoPortLawrence,fifteenmilesdaleko
away,withoutbeingtakenthere.Shedidnotwantanyonetoknowabouther
srce
heart.Therewouldbesuch
je
afussmadeandeveryčlan
memberofthefamilywouldcomedowni
andtalkitoverandadviseheri
andcautionherandwarnheri
andtellherhorribletalesofgreat-auntsi
andcousinsfortytimesremovedwhohadbeen“justlikethat”i
and“droppeddeadwithoutamoment’swarning,mydear.”Teta
AuntIsabelwouldrememberthatshehaduvijek
alwayssaidDosslookedlikeje
agirlwhowouldhavehearttrouble—“sopinchedi
andpeakedalways”;andUncleWellingtonwouldtakeitasapersonalinsult,
kada
when“noStirlingeverhadheartdiseasebefore”;a
andGeorgianawouldforebodeinsavršeno
perfectlyaudibleasidesthat“poor,dragi
dearlittleDossisn’tlongforovom
thisworld,I’mafraid”;andCousinGladyswouldsay,“Why,my
srce
hearthasbeenlikethatforyears,”inje
atonethatimpliednooneelsehadbilo
anybusinesseventohaveje
aheart;andOlive—Olivewould
samo
merelylookbeautifulandsuperioranddisgustinglyhealthy,asiftosay,“Whyallovaj
thisfussoverafadedsuperfluitylikeDosskad
whenyouhaveme?”Valancyfeltthatshecouldn’t
reći
tellanybodyunlessshehadto.Shefelt
sasvim
quitesuretherewasnothingatsvim
allseriouslywrongwithherhearti
andnoneedofallthepotherthatwouldensueako
ifshementionedit.Shewould
samo
justslipupquietlyandvidjeti
seeDr.Trentthatverydan
day.Asforhisbill,shehad
na
thetwohundreddollarsthatherotac
fatherhadputinthebanku
bankforherthedayshewasborn.Shewasneverallowedtouseeventheinterestofthis,
ali
butshewouldsecretlytakeoutdovoljno
enoughtopayDr.Trent.Dr.
Trentwas
je
agruff,outspoken,absent-mindedoldmomak
fellow,buthewasarecognisedautoritet
authorityonheartdisease,evenako
ifhewereonlyaopći
generalpractitionerinout-of-the-worldDeerwood.Dr.Trentwas
preko
overseventyandtherehadbeenrumoursthathemeanttomirovinu
retiresoon.NoneoftheStirlingclanhadevergonetohim
otkad
sincehehadtoldCousinGladys,deset
tenyearsbefore,thatherneuritiswasallimaginaryi
andthatsheenjoyedit.Youcouldn’tpatronise
je
adoctorwhoinsultedyourfirst-cousin-once-removedlikethat—nottomentionthathewasje
aPresbyterianwhenalltheStirlingswenttotheAnglicancrkvu
church.CHAPTERII
WhenCousinSticklesknockedather
vrata
door,Valancyknewitwashalf-pastsedam
sevenandshemustgetup.Aslongasshecould
sjetiti
remember,CousinStickleshadknockedathervrata
doorathalf-pastseven.CousinStickles
i
andMrs.FrederickStirlinghadbeenupsinceseven,ali
butValancywasallowedtolieabedpola
halfanhourlongerbecauseofje
afamilytraditionthatshewasdelicate.Valancygotup,
iako
thoughshehatedgettingupviše
morethismorningthanevershehadprije
before.