CHAPTERI
IfithadnotrainedonacertainMay
jutra
morningValancyStirling’swholelifewouldhavebeenentirelydrugačiji
different.Shewouldhavegone,
sa
withtherestofherclan,toAuntWellington’sengagementpicnica
andDr.TrentwouldhavegonetoMontreal.Ali
Butitdidrainandyoushallčuti
hearwhathappenedtoherbecauseofit.Valancywakenedearly,inthelifeless,hopeless
satu
hourjustprecedingdawn.Shehadnotsleptvery
dobro
well.Onedoesnotsleep
dobro
well,sometimes,whenoneistwenty-nineonthemorrow,i
andunmarried,inacommunityi
andconnectionwheretheunmarriedaresimplyoni
thosewhohavefailedtodobiti
getaman.DeerwoodandtheStirlingshadlongsincerelegatedValancytohopelessoldmaidenhood.
Ali
ButValancyherselfhadneverquiterelinquishedje
acertainpitiful,shamed,littlenade
hopethatRomancewouldcomeherputu
wayyet—never,untilthiswet,horriblejutra
morning,whenshewakenedtona
thefactthatshewastwenty-ninei
andunsoughtbyanyman.Ay,
tu
therelaythesting.Valancydidnotmindsomuchbeingan
stara
oldmaid.Afterall,shethought,beingan
stara
oldmaidcouldn’tpossiblybeasdreadfulasbeingudana
marriedtoanUncleWellingtonili
oranUncleBenjamin,orčak
evenanUncleHerbert.Whathurtherwasthatshehadneverhad
je
achancetobeanythingbutanstara
oldmaid.Nomanhadeverdesiredher.
Thetearscameintohereyesasshelaythere
sama
aloneinthefaintlygreyingdarkness.Shedarednotletherselfcryashardasshewanted
da
to,fortworeasons.Shewas
bojala
afraidthatcryingmightbringonanotherattackofda
thatpainaroundtheheart.Shehadhad
je
aspellofitaftershehadgotintobed—ratherworsethanbilo
anyshehadhadyet.I
Andshewasafraidhermajka
motherwouldnoticeherredeyesatbreakfasti
andkeepatherwithminute,persistent,mosquito-likequestionsregardingthecausethereof.“Suppose,”thoughtValancy
s
withaghastlygrin,“Ianswereds
withtheplaintruth,‘Iamcryingjer
becauseIcannotgetmarried.’Kako
HowhorrifiedMotherwouldbe—thoughsheisashamedsvaki
everydayofherlifeofherstare
oldmaiddaughter.”Butof
naravno
courseappearancesshouldbekeptup.“Itisnot,”Valancycould
čuti
hearhermother’sprim,dictatorialvoiceasserting,“itisnotmaidenlytorazmišljati
thinkaboutmen.”Thethoughtofhermother’sexpressionmadeValancylaugh—forshehad
je
asenseofhumournobodyinherclansuspected.For
koje
thatmatter,therewereagoodmnogo
manythingsaboutValancythatnitko
nobodysuspected.Butherlaughterwas
vrlo
verysuperficialandpresentlyshelaytamo
there,ahuddled,futilelittlefigure,listeningtotherainpouringdownvani
outsideandwatching,withasickdistaste,thechill,mercilesssvjetlo
lightcreepingintoherugly,sordidsobu
room.Sheknewtheuglinessofthatroombyheart—knewit
i
andhatedit.Theyellow-paintedfloor,
sa
withonehideous,“hooked”rugbythebed,sa
withagrotesque,“hooked”dogonit,uvijek
alwaysgrinningatherwhensheawoke;thefaded,dark-redpaper;
theceilingdiscolouredbyoldleaks
i
andcrossedbycracks;thenarrow,pinched
mali
littlewashstand;thebrown-paperlambrequin
s
withpurplerosesonit;thespotted
stari
oldlooking-glasswiththecrackacrossit,proppedupontheinadequatedressing-table;thejarofancientpotpourrimadebyher
majke
motherinhermythicalhoneymoon;theshell-coveredbox,
sa
withoneburstcorner,whichCousinStickleshadmadeinherequallymythicalgirlhood;thebeadedpincushion
s
withhalfitsbeadfringegone;the
jedna
onestiff,yellowchair;thefaded
stari
oldmotto,“Gonebutnotforgotten,”workedincolouredyarnso
aboutGreat-grand-motherStirling’sgrimoldface;the
stare
oldphotographsofancientrelativeslongbanishedfromtheroomsbelow.Therewere
samo
onlytwopicturesthatwerenotofrelatives.One,an
stari
oldchromoofapuppysittingonarainydoorstep.Thatpicture
uvijek
alwaysmadeValancyunhappy.Thatforlorn
mali
littledogcrouchedonthedoorstepinthedrivingrain!Zašto
Whydidn’tsomeoneopenthedoori
andlethimin?The
druga
otherpicturewasafaded,passe-partoutedengravingofQueenLouisecomingniz
downastairway,whichAuntWellingtonhadlavishlygivenheronhertenthbirthday.Fornineteenyearsshehadlookedatit
i
andhatedit,beautiful,smug,self-satisfiedQueenLouise.Ali
Butsheneverdareddestroyitili
orremoveit.MotherandCousinStickleswouldhavebeenaghast,
ili
or,asValancyirreverentlyexpresseditinherthoughts,wouldhavehadje
afit.Everyroominthe
kući
housewasugly,ofcourse.Ali
Butdownstairsappearanceswerekeptupsomewhat.Therewasno
novca
moneyforroomsnobodyeversaw.Valancy
ponekad
sometimesfeltthatshecouldhavedonenešto
somethingforherroomherself,čak
evenwithoutmoney,ifshewerepermitted.Ali
Buthermotherhadnegativedsvaki
everytimidsuggestionandValancydidnotpersist.Valancyneverpersisted.
Shewas
bojala
afraidto.Hermothercouldnotbrookopposition.
Mrs.Stirlingwouldsulkfordays
ako
ifoffended,withtheairsofaninsultedduchess.The
jedina
onlythingValancylikedabouthersobi
roomwasthatshecouldbesama
alonethereatnighttocryako
ifshewantedto.But,afterall,whatdiditmatter
ako
ifaroom,whichyouusedforništa
nothingexceptsleepinganddressingin,wereugly?Valancywasneverpermittedtostay
sama
aloneinherroomforbilo
anyotherpurpose.Peoplewhowantedtobe
sami
alone,soMrs.FrederickStirlingi
andCousinSticklesbelieved,couldsamo
onlywanttobealoneforneke
somesinisterpurpose.Buther
soba
roomintheBlueCastlewassve
everythingaroomshouldbe.Valancy,socowed
i
andsubduedandoverriddenandsnubbedinstvarnom
reallife,waswonttoletherselfgorathersplendidlyinherday-dreams.Nitko
NobodyintheStirlingclan,ili
oritsramifications,suspectedthis,leastofallhermajka
motherandCousinStickles.They
nikada
neverknewthatValancyhaddvije
twohomes—theuglyredbrickboxofje
ahome,onElmStreet,i
andtheBlueCastleinSpain.ValancyhadlivedspirituallyintheBlueCastleever
otkad
sinceshecouldremember.Shehadbeen
je
averytinychildwhenshefoundherselfpossessedofit.Uvijek
Always,whensheshuthereyes,shecouldseeitplainly,s
withitsturretsandbannersonthepine-cladmountainheight,wrappedinitsfaint,blueloveliness,againstthesunsetskiesofje
afairandunknownland.Sve
Everythingwonderfulandbeautifulwasinthatcastle.Jewels
koje
thatqueensmighthaveworn;robesofmoonlight
i
andfire;couchesofroses
i
andgold;longflightsofshallowmarblesteps,withgreat,whiteurns,
i
andwithslender,mist-cladmaidensgoinggore
upanddownthem;courts,marble-pillared,
gdje
whereshimmeringfountainsfellandnightingalessangamongthemyrtles;hallsofmirrors
koja
thatreflectedonlyhandsomeknightsi
andlovelywomen—herselftheloveliestofsvih
all,forwhoseglancemendied.Sve
Allthatsupportedherthroughtheboredomofherdayswasthenada
hopeofgoingonasanjati
dreamspreeatnight.Most,
ako
ifnotall,oftheStirlingswouldhavediedofhorrorako
iftheyhadknownhalfthethingsValancydidinherBlueCastle.For
jednu
onethingshehadquiteje
afewloversinit.Oh,
samo
onlyoneatatime.One
koji
whowooedherwithalltheromanticardouroftheageofchivalryi
andwonherafterlongdevotioni
andmanydeedsofderring-do,i
andwasweddedtoherwithpompi
andcircumstanceinthegreat,banner-hungchapeloftheBlueCastle.Attwelve,
ovaj
thisloverwasafairladsa
withgoldencurlsandheavenlyblueeyes.Atfifteen,hewastall
i
anddarkandpale,butstillnecessarilyhandsome.Attwenty,hewasascetic,dreamy,spiritual.
Attwenty-five,hehad
je
aclean-cutjaw,slightlygrim,andje
afacestrongandruggedratherthanhandsome.Valancynevergrewolder
od
thantwenty-fiveinherBlueCastle,ali
butrecently—veryrecently—herherohadhadreddish,tawnykosu
hair,atwistedsmileandje
amysteriouspast.Idon’t
kažem
sayValancydeliberatelymurderedtheseloversassheoutgrewih
them.Onesimplyfadedawayas
drugi
anothercame.ThingsareveryconvenientinthisrespectinBlueCastles.
Ali
But,onthismorningofherdana
dayoffate,Valancycouldnotnaći
findthekeyofherBlueCastle.Realitypressedonher
previše
toohardly,barkingatherheelskao
likeamaddeninglittledog.Shewastwenty-nine,lonely,undesired,ill-favoured—the
jedina
onlyhomelygirlinahandsomeclan,withbez
nopastandnofuture.Asfarasshecouldlookback,
život
lifewasdrabandcolourless,withnotonesinglecrimsonili
orpurplespotanywhere.Asfarasshecouldlookforwarditseemedcertaintobe
baš
justthesameuntilshewasništa
nothingbutasolitary,littlewitheredleafclingingtoje
awintrybough.Themoment
kada
whenawomanrealisesthatshehasništa
nothingtolivefor—neitherlove,duty,purposenorhope—holdsforherthebitternessofsmrti
death.“AndIjusthavetogoonliving
jer
becauseIcan’tstop.I
možda
mayhavetoliveeightyyears,”thoughtValancy,inje
akindofpanic.“We’re
svi
allhorriblylong-lived.Itsickensmetothinkofit.”
Shewasgladitwasraining—orrather,shewasdrearilysatisfiedthatitwasraining.
Therewouldbenopicnicthat
dana
day.Thisannualpicnic,wherebyAunt
i
andUncleWellington—onealwaysthoughtoftheminthatsuccession—inevitablycelebratedtheirengagementatje
apicnicthirtyyearsbefore,hadbeen,oflateyears,je
averitablenightmaretoValancy.Byanimpishcoincidenceitwasthe
isti
samedayasherbirthdayi
and,aftershehadpassedtwenty-five,nitko
nobodyletherforgetit.Muchasshehatedgoingto
na
thepicnic,itwouldneverhaveoccurredtohertorebelprotiv
againstit.Thereseemedtobe
ništa
nothingoftherevolutionaryinhernature.I
Andsheknewexactlywhateveryonewouldreći
saytoheratthepicnic.Ujak
UncleWellington,whomshedislikedi
anddespisedeventhoughhehadfulfilledthehighestStirlingaspiration,“marryingmoney,”wouldsaytoherinje
apig’swhisper,“Notthinkingofgettingbraku
marriedyet,mydear?”andthen
otići
gooffintothebellowoflaughters
withwhichheinvariablyconcludedhisdullremarks.AuntWellington,ofwhomValancystoodinabjectawe,wouldtellher
o
aboutOlive’snewchiffondressi
andCecil’slastdevotedletter.Valancywould
su
havetolookaspleasedi
andinterestedasifthedressi
andletterhadbeenhersorelseAuntWellingtonwouldbeoffended.A
AndValancyhadlongagodecidedda
thatshewouldratheroffendGodnego
thanAuntWellington,becauseGodmightforgiveherali
butAuntWellingtonneverwould.AuntAlberta,enormouslyfat,
s
withanamiablehabitofuvijek
alwaysreferringtoherhusbandas“he,”asifheweretheonlymalecreatureinthesvijetu
world,whocouldneverforgetthatshehadbeenje
agreatbeautyinheryouth,wouldcondoles
withValancyonhersallowskin—.“Idon’t
znam
knowwhyallthegirlsoftodayaresosunburned.Kad
WhenIwasagirlmyskinwasrosesi
andcream.Iwascountedtheprettiest
djevojka
girlinCanada,mydear.”Možda
PerhapsUncleHerbertwouldn’tsayanything—ormožda
perhapshewouldremarkjocularly,“Howfatyou’regetting,Doss!”I
Andtheneverybodywouldlaughovertheexcessivelyhumorousideaofjadni
poor,scrawnylittleDossgettingfat.Handsome,solemn
Ujak
UncleJames,whomValancydislikedali
butrespectedbecausehewasreputedtobevrlo
verycleverandwasthereforetheclanoracle—brainsbeingnonepreviše
tooplentifulintheStirlingconnection—wouldvjerojatno
probablyremarkwiththeowl-likesarcasmthathadwonhimhisreputation,“Isupposeyou’rebusysa
withyourhope-chestthesedays?”And
Ujak
UncleBenjaminwouldasksomeofhisabominableconundrums,između
betweenwheezychuckles,andanswerthemhimself.“Whatisthedifference
između
betweenDossandamouse?“Themousewishestoharmthecheese
a
andDosswishestocharmthehe’s.”Valancyhadheardhim
pitati
askthatriddlefiftytimesi
andeverytimeshewantedtothrownešto
somethingathim.Butsheneverdid.
In
na
thefirstplace,theStirlingssimplydidnotthrowthings;inthesecondplace,
Ujak
UncleBenjaminwasawealthyandchildlessoldwidowerandValancyhadbeenbroughtupinthefearandadmonitionofhisnovca
money.Ifsheoffendedhimhewouldcutheroutofhiswill—supposingshewereinit.
Valancydidnotwanttobecutoutof
Ujaka
UncleBenjamin’swill.Shehadbeenpoorallher
život
lifeandknewthegallingbitternessofto
it.Sosheenduredhisriddles
i
andevensmiledtorturedlittlesmilesnad
overthem.AuntIsabel,downright
i
anddisagreeableasaneastwind,wouldcriticiseherinneki
someway—Valancycouldnotpredictjustkako
how,forAuntIsabelneverrepeatedje
acriticism—shefoundsomethingnews
withwhichtojabyousvaki
everytime.AuntIsabelpridedherselfonsayingwhatshethought,
ali
butdidn’tlikeitsowellkad
whenotherpeoplesaidwhattheythoughttojoj
her.Valancyneversaidwhatshethought.
CousinGeorgiana—namedafterhergreat-great-grand-mother,whohadbeennamedafterGeorgetheFourth—wouldrecountdolorouslythenamesof
svih
allrelativesandfriendswhohaddiedsincethelastpicnicandwonder“whichofusće
willbethefirsttoići
gonext.”Oppressivelycompetent,AuntMildredwouldtalkendlesslyofher
mužu
husbandandherodiousprodigiesofbabiestoValancy,jer
becauseValancywouldbethejedini
onlyoneshecouldfindtoputupwithto
it.Forthesamereason,CousinGladys—really
Prva
FirstCousinGladysonceremoved,accordingtona
thestrictwayinwhichna
theStirlingstabulatedrelationship—atall,thindama
ladywhoadmittedshehadje
asensitivedisposition,woulddescribeminutelyna
thetorturesofherneuritis.AndOlive,thewonder
djevojka
girlofthewholeStirlingclan,whohadsve
everythingValancyhadnot—beauty,popularity,love,—wouldshowoffherbeautyandpresumeonherpopularityandflauntherdiamondinsigniaofljubav
loveinValancy’sdazzled,enviouseyes.Therewouldbenoneofallthis
danas
today.Andtherewouldbe
ne
nopackingupofteaspoons.Thepackingupwas
uvijek
alwaysleftforValancyandCousinStickles.A
Andonce,sixyearsago,je
asilverteaspoonfromAuntWellington’sweddingsethadbeenlost.Valancyneverheardthelastofthatsilverteaspoon.
ItsghostappearedBanquo-likeateverysubsequentfamilyfeast.
Oh,yes,Valancyknew
točno
exactlywhatthepicnicwouldbelikei
andsheblessedtherainthathadsavedherfromit.Therewouldbenopicnicthis
godine
year.IfAuntWellingtoncouldnotcelebrateonthesacred
dan
dayitselfshewouldhavene
nocelebrationatall.Thankwhatevergodstherewereforthat.
Budući
Sincetherewouldbenopicnic,Valancymadeuphermindthat,ako
iftherainheldupintheafternoon,shewouldotići
gouptothelibraryi
andgetanotherofJohnFoster’sbooks.Valancywasneverallowedtoreadnovels,
ali
butJohnFoster’sbookswerenotnovels.Theywere“naturebooks”—sothelibrariantoldMrs.FrederickStirling—“all
o
aboutthewoodsandbirdsi
andbugsandthingsliketo
that,youknow.”SoValancywasallowedtoreadthem—underprotest,foritwasonly
previše
tooevidentthatsheenjoyedthempreviše
toomuch.Itwaspermissible,
čak
evenlaudable,toreadtoimproveyourum
mindandyourreligion,butje
abookthatwasenjoyablewasdangerous.Valancydidnotknowwhetherher
um
mindwasbeingimprovedornot;ali
butshefeltvaguelythatifshehadcomeacrossJohnFoster’sbooksyearsprije
agolifemighthavebeenje
adifferentthingforher.Theyseemedtohertoyieldglimpsesof
je
aworldintowhichshemightjednom
oncehaveentered,thoughthevrata
doorwasforeverbarredtohersada
now.Itwasonlywithinthelastyear
da
thatJohnFoster’sbookshadbeenintheDeerwoodlibrary,iako
thoughthelibrariantoldValancyda
thathehadbeenawell-knownwriterforseveralyears.“Wheredoeshelive?”
Valancyhadasked.
“Nobodyknows.
Fromhisbookshe
mora
mustbeaCanadian,butnema
nomoreinformationcanbehad.Hispublisherswon’t
reći
sayaword.QuitelikelyJohnFosterisanomdeplume.
Hisbooksaresopopularwecan’t
zadržati
keeptheminatall,iako
thoughIreallycan’tseewhatljudi
peoplefindinthemtoraveover.”“Ithinkthey’rewonderful,”saidValancy,timidly.
“Oh—well—”
MissClarksonsmiledin
je
apatronisingfashionthatrelegatedValancy’sopinionstolimbo,“Ican’treći
sayIcaremuchforbugsmyself.Ali
ButcertainlyFosterseemstoznati
knowallthereistoznati
knowaboutthem.”Valancydidn’tknowwhethershecaredmuchforbugseither.
ItwasnotJohnFoster’suncannyknowledgeofwildcreatures
i
andinsectlifethatenthralledher.Shecouldhardly
reći
saywhatitwas—sometantalisinglureofje
amysteryneverrevealed—somehintofje
agreatsecretjustamalo
littlefurtheron—somefaint,elusiveechooflovely,forgottenthings—JohnFoster’smagicwasindefinable.Da
Yes,shewouldgetanewFosterbook.Itwas
je
amonthsinceshehadThistleHarvest,sosurelyMajka
Mothercouldnotobject.Valancyhadreadit
četiri
fourtimes—sheknewwholepassagesoffbyheart.And—she
skoro
almostthoughtshewouldgoandseeDr.Trentaboutda
thatqueerpainaroundthesrca
heart.Ithadcomeratheroftenlately,andthepalpitationswerebecomingannoying,nottospeakofanoccasionaldizzy
trenutak
momentandaqueershortnessofbreath.Ali
Butcouldshegotovidi
seehimwithouttellinganyone?Itwas
je
amostdaringthought.NoneoftheStirlingseverconsultedadoctor
bez
withoutholdingafamilycouncili
andgettingUncleJames’approval.Then,theywenttoDr.AmbroseMarshofPortLawrence,
koji
whohadmarriedSecondCousinAdelaideStirling.Ali
ButValancydislikedDr.AmbroseMarsh.I
And,besides,shecouldnotdoći
gettoPortLawrence,fifteenmilesdaleko
away,withoutbeingtakenthere.Shedidnotwantanyonetoknowabouther
srce
heart.Therewouldbesuch
je
afussmadeandeverymemberofthefamilywouldcomedowni
andtalkitoverandadviseheri
andcautionherandwarnheri
andtellherhorribletalesofgreat-auntsi
andcousinsfortytimesremovedwhohadbeen“justlikethat”i
and“droppeddeadwithoutamoment’swarning,mydear.”AuntIsabelwould
sjetiti
rememberthatshehadalwayssaidDosslookedkao
likeagirlwhowouldhavehearttrouble—“sopinchedi
andpeakedalways”;andUncleWellingtonwouldtakeitasapersonalinsult,
kada
when“noStirlingeverhadheartdiseasebefore”;a
andGeorgianawouldforebodeinperfectlyaudibleasidesda
that“poor,dearlittleDossisn’tdugo
longforthisworld,I’mafraid”;andCousinGladyswouldsay,“Why,my
srce
hearthasbeenlikethatforyears,”inje
atonethatimpliednooneelsehadbilo
anybusinesseventohaveje
aheart;andOlive—Olivewouldmerelylookbeautifulandsuperioranddisgustinglyhealthy,asiftosay,“Whyall
ovaj
thisfussoverafadedsuperfluitylikeDosskad
whenyouhaveme?”Valancyfeltthatshecouldn’t
reći
tellanybodyunlessshehadto.Shefelt
sasvim
quitesuretherewasnothingatsvim
allseriouslywrongwithherhearti
andnoneedofallthepotherthatwouldensueako
ifshementionedit.Shewould
samo
justslipupquietlyandvidjeti
seeDr.Trentthatverydan
day.Asforhisbill,shehad
na
thetwohundreddollarsthatherotac
fatherhadputinthebankforherna
thedayshewasborn.Shewasneverallowedtouseeventheinterestofthis,
ali
butshewouldsecretlytakeoutdovoljno
enoughtopayDr.Trent.Dr.
Trentwas
je
agruff,outspoken,absent-mindedoldfellow,ali
buthewasarecognisedauthorityonheartdisease,čak
evenifhewereonlyje
ageneralpractitionerinout-of-the-worldDeerwood.Dr.Trentwas
preko
overseventyandtherehadbeenrumoursthathemeanttoretireuskoro
soon.NoneoftheStirlingclanhadevergonetohim
otkad
sincehehadtoldCousinGladys,deset
tenyearsbefore,thatherneuritiswasallimaginaryi
andthatsheenjoyedit.Youcouldn’tpatronise
je
adoctorwhoinsultedyourfirst-cousin-once-removedlikethat—nottomentionthathewasje
aPresbyterianwhenalltheStirlingswenttotheAnglicanchurch.CHAPTERII
Kad
WhenCousinSticklesknockedathervrata
door,Valancyknewitwashalf-pastseveni
andshemustgetup.Aslongasshecould
sjetiti
remember,CousinStickleshadknockedathervrata
doorathalf-pastseven.CousinStickles
i
andMrs.FrederickStirlinghadbeenupsinceseven,ali
butValancywasallowedtolieabedpola
halfanhourlongerbecauseofje
afamilytraditionthatshewasdelicate.Valancygotup,
iako
thoughshehatedgettingupviše
morethismorningthanevershehadprije
before.